any advice! desperate for an opinion

[wigton]

 

 

I was recently going out with someone for six months. Although we really had a lot of fun together I started to pick on him for every little thing, like calling me too late or making plans with his friends without telling me first. We started spending less time together because of his traveling for work and the arguing just got worse. I was unhappy all the time because I never saw but when I did see him I wasn't very nice to him. I told him several times that I didn't think things were working out between us but he always wanted to work things out. Then I blew up at him on the street over a comment his sister made and left him standing on the corner while I drove off in a cab. Later that day over the phone, he said he couldn't handle the fighting anymore, that I had walked out on him too many times and that he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. Although we have stayed in contact over email and a bit over the phone, I haven't seen him since. I didn't take this well at all even though I had been telling him I wasn't happy. I became depressed and lost almost eight pounds. It's been a month since we broke up and I've done a lot of thinking. I now know where my anger was coming from and why I'm still so sad. Years ago, I got pregnant and my boyfriend at the time insisted on an abortion even though I wasn't really sure. THen he left me for someone else shortly thereafter and I was left to deal on my own. I've never really gotten over the anger I feel towards the ex and perhaps anger at myself for being treated so badly. In my relationships since then I find myself lashing out at people that I care about for fear of getting hurt again. Even though I really want to be with them, I find myself acting like I don't care or push them away by being negative. But I really care about this last person and want to make it work. Should I tell him my "baggage" and why it cause me to act so unloving towards him? I think it might scare him off-what guy wants to deal with baggage like this? Is it too late to get him back?

[evepm]

Dear wigton:

 

I want to start out by telling you that yes, there may be hope with your current ex. If he does not your whole story then I'm quite sure he has been left guessing as to why you have been unhappy with him.

 

You feelings of mistrust are well founded and it is obvious that you are still deeply hurt by your former ex. I think you need to take sometime to work out your feelings about what happened to you and some of this you have to do on your own. What happened to you is NOT baggage, its life. Everyone has something in thier closet so please don't look at the situation that way.

 

I think that you should share this information with him and you may be surprised. He may be very understanding and want to work things out with you, as well as, help you deal with your mistrust. Two people in a relationship should be able to give each other support, compassion and understanding.

 

Peace and Blessings,

Evepm

[wigton]

Thanks Evepm. I do appreciate it. I've also had ppl. tell me that I shouldn't tell him because my problems had nothing to do with him. I just don't want him to think I'm an angry person for no reason, because I'm really not inside. any guys opinion on this

thx

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey wigton,

 

evepm said it really well. First you should take some time to yourself, to sort through this anger that you're talking about. I think it's great that you've come to this realization, and that it helps to explain to you why you're lashing out at these men that come into your life. Do you really feel though that just by realizing this, you've moved past it and you can move at this point back into a relationship? That's not a question for me to answer, but for you to.

 

From his side, though, I think it might still be too soon for you to approach him with this new information. I do believe there is a time immediately after the breakup when the ex might feel that any new facts you bring to the situation are only a means to manipulate the situation. Though this is an area that I'm not entirely confident about, and I'm sure the timing works differently for different people. But it's something to keep in mind.

 

I agree with evepm about sharing the information with him. From what you've said, he seems like a pretty level-headed and caring guy for whom this information would elicit some sort of response. Who knows whether it would make him want to come back. But for him it might at least make things clearer as to why you acted the way you did. And in that case, it can only increase the chances that at some point in the future (whether that be the immediate future or some months down the road) he should reconsider what you two had, and whatever future he might want to have with you.

 

I think there is a reason to be cautious though. And this I think points to what your friends are saying about it. At this point you're no longer in a relationship together, so he might not really want the information. It all depends on whether he hopes to put this relationship behind him, or whether he's still interested in what you might have to say.

 

I will say that I'm at about a month after the breakup, and I feel I've learned an awful lot about myself, and what I need to do for a future relationship. And I wish so much that I could call my ex and tell her all these wonderful things I've learned. But I'm afraid that she'll think the information is no longer relevant. And so what I've decided to do is just keep it to myself, and know that I am learning what to do with any future relationship I get into. If at any time we end up talking, and then she initiates talk about the relationship, I have a pretty good idea of what I'll have to say. But for now, I'm going to wait until she shows some interest in that subject.

 

Which I guess means, I would suggest to you that this new realization is very significant for your life, but you need to wait and find out whether he's still interested in your life. And that's only going to happen when he brings up something related to it. Meanwhile, if you make contact with him, or, better yet, him with you, you know how and why you can be nicer to him, and not lash out so much. He'll probably notice the difference, as will you. And if things develop from there, you might have the chance to tell him after all.

[wigton]

thanks sparrow, very good advice to heed. I am working on my issues and yes you're right, I need to work on this before I can resume anything with anyone again. So you as a man, would not get too freaked out by this information? I feel for you and admire your insight and I wish you the best.

[a_little_sparrow]

For me, no, I'm not really freaked out. Any time a woman has told me that she had an abortion I've been so quiet and respetful. First of all I recognize what a huge decision this was for her, and then how much she must have trusted me to tell me.

 

I will say that it probaby is different from man to man. It's not really a subject I talk about with any other guy I know, so I can't even start to gage what a general male perspective is. But if you attract and date men like the one you described (ie patient and willing to deal with your reactions to him--someone willing to work with the relationship), then I don't think you need to worry about what his (whoever that future 'his' might be) reaction.

 

Best of luck to you wigton. And thanks for your kind wishes.