Starting to see the light

[Nappyloxs]

Today I really feel as if I am getting over the breakup.

 

Every time I think of my ex. end up thinking of all the crap she put me through and end up asking myself why I want to be with someone like that. Slowly, I have forgotten what I even really love about her. I know I love her and will always care for her but I just see all the bad parts of the relationship now.

 

I know that, although I am not perfect, I deserved so much better than the way I have been treated over the last two years.

 

I have been slipping a little this week in not focusing on myself as much, but have also put a lot of energy in figuring out why would I even want her back.

 

A lot of my thoughts have been about if she ever calls and what would happen. For the first month, it was has she changed at all and just knowing that I would answer the call.

 

Now, it is ignoring the call and even if I answer, why should I even entertain the thoughts of reconciling.

 

All she did was expect me to do things right then and there, even things I don't know how to do, lack of appreciation in the things I did do, in the relationship, and even in the friendship, blatant disrespect, being told I was the bad person, I wasn't good enough, that she deserved better. I was told that I was controlling and manipulating, but it was her who always threatened or did breakup if she did not get her way. She was the one keeping "score" of who paid for what during the relationship and always conveniently forgot the times I paid for things or how much they cost.

 

So know I ask myself why did allow myself to be treated in such a way? I know it was because of my co-dependence and finding validation and self-worth through the relationship. Now I must focus my energy on myself so that I do not allow myself to be in such a relationship again.

[Ryme]

It must feel great to be able to look back at things and know that it wasn't your fault. It sounds like it's been a difficult experience for you, but that it's taught you things that will stand you in good stead in the future. Every cloud has a silver lining, as the saying goes.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks Ryme. It does feel great.

 

We broke up last year around this time for 4 months. During those 4 months, I was heavy depressed. I would cry, drink, think of only how I could change and win her back. I email her all the time without ever getting a response. (until I sent her some money I owed her).

 

This time around has not been like that. I haven't cried once. Only wrote her once. Cut down on drinking and have really done everything opposite this time.

 

Although, I don't think she cheated, some of the stuff she did was just as bad and just so disrespectful.

 

I talked about how one time she was drunk and left me on the dance floor to start dancing with some other guy. Even though I was pissed, she gave me a half-hearted apology saying she did not even remember doing it. Then when I was still pissed about, she was like she apologized and that I need to get over it. She then went on to bring up an incident were I was talking with a girl one time we were out during the first month of our relationship. (In the incident she chose to smack me for just talking and it happened over 3 years ago).

 

Although this is just one of many disrespectful incidents over the years, to have my girlfriend of 3 years just leave me on the dance floor for another guy is just simply ridiculous. I was a very confident guy before her and would never have allowed that before.

 

To allow that and to know that she was not even sorry for it, just speaks volume to how little self-respect I ended up having for myself during the relationship. Love her or not, I must respect myself first.

 

I simply let too much stuff go. I am glad it is over now. I think of her best friend. My ex. is 28. Her best friend is 40. Her best friend has been married for 20 years and cheats on her husband left and right. She volunteers at a place just so she can cheat with the guy who work there. The husband knows about it and still allows it to happen and still lets her be a housewife.

 

If ex. and I would have stayed together, I think she surely would have ended up cheating. Why not, I let her get away with everything else.

 

Luckily, I have gotten out before something that like that would have shattered my world.

[Ryme]

Can I ask something - don't feel you have to answer! Did you realise right after you split up that she'd treated you unfairly, or did you blame yourself for the breakup at first?

 

It's just that I can't imagine ever feeling that my own breakup wasn't largely my fault. He treated me really well - I can think of some minor problems from his side that may have contributed - he was never good at telling me how he felt, for instance - but mostly, it was my own selfishness that led to our breakup. I just don't see how I can stop loving him if I can't see anything bad about him! Yet at the same time, I know that breakups are rarely, if ever, one-sided.

[Nappyloxs]

Well, just remember we broke up twice. Once last year around this time and then last month.

 

The one last year, of course, I blamed myself. I thought it was all my fault and if changed it would be alright. I knew she was partly to blame too, but I thought that if I just fixed myself the relationship would work.

 

So when we reconciled, she became selfish. Although I did change, she "expected" even more from me and would threaten to break up if I did not do what she wanted. She had all the power and tried to use it.

 

This second time around, I see that it was her to blame. She was the one who only cared about herself and what she wanted. She didn't care about me, or the relationship.

 

Yet, this was the same thing that REALLY was the cause of the first breakup too.

 

Her selfishness.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Can I ask something - don't feel you have to answer! Did you realise right after you split up that she'd treated you unfairly, or did you blame yourself for the breakup at first?

 

It's just that I can't imagine ever feeling that my own breakup wasn't largely my fault. He treated me really well - I can think of some minor problems from his side that may have contributed - he was never good at telling me how he felt, for instance - but mostly, it was my own selfishness that led to our breakup. I just don't see how I can stop loving him if I can't see anything bad about him! Yet at the same time, I know that breakups are rarely, if ever, one-sided.

 

Ryme, how long has it been since your separation? I'm asking because it seems to be a "normal" reaction to blame ourselves first, to forget all the pain we felt during the relationship, and to finally remember things later on.

 

That's exactly what happened to me. In the morning I had written to a girlfriend saying that I had to move out, I couldn't take any more. I made appointments to see apartments (it was his house). That night he came home and said he wanted a divorce. And I completely forgot every miserable part of our relationship. Why? I don't know.

 

I honestly didn't remember my own pain. I tried so hard to keep us together but he wasn't interested in me any more. He wanted to move on to someone else as soon as he could. He seems convinced that he'll find perfect love elsewhere - love that doesn't require him to do anything. He's 50. He's been searching for this perfect love his whole life.

 

I blamed myself for not beng perfect, for telling him that I needed more from him throughout our marriage. I blamed myself for not doing everything he wanted me to do in spite of the fact that he rarely told me what he wanted until I didn't do it - then he flung it in my face as yet another failure on my part. I cried buckets of tears and spent many days in bed completely confused and devastated because I wasn't the person he thought I was.

 

It's been 4 months since then. He's done some terrible things that hurt me so badly...I could never get back together with him. I can't remember him now without all the pain, horror, fear, and confusion of our marriage in my head. There are still a TON of things I've forgotten...I started reading back in my journal and emails I'd sent.

 

I had to quit reading, to be honest, because I can't believe how many things he did and how I tried so hard to stop it, to fix our marriage. But it takes 2 people willing to commit, and he wasn't willing. He was incredibly selfish - wanting me to put him first while he put his son and himself first over me. He didn't see a problem with this. He was very jealous of my grown children and tried to make my younget son my enemy while he stayed with us for a few months. He talked about his old girlfriends a lot, and it made me feel very insecure and not wanted. He didn't welcome me into his home, but gave me half of a closet for my things, and complained about me wanting space to do my hobbies.

 

The list goes on, but mainly he was always saying and doing hurtful things to me. I kept forgiving him. I kept trying to express what I needed. I made mistakes, and I've owned them all. I did not break our marriage - and it's possible you didn't break yours either. I don't know....but think back, think with clarity, and see if it was really you.

 

If it was, work on those things. But don't take any more blame than is yours.