My Story. What do you think?

[Cedric]

I have been on this website for a couple of weeks, but have not shared my story yet, so I thought I would. Any Advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

My relationship with my Ex lasted 8 months. It was a great relationship with lots of passion, respect, honesty & caring. There were some downs as well, but as per my thinking this is usually common as 2 people get to know each other. The Chemistry & Connection were instantaneous from our First Date. We found we had the same Morals & Values & Outlook on Life.

 

The Main problem is that she never could get secure in the relationship. She said she was not a dram queen, but that is not the case and I think it is because she is not quite happy with her life or job. IE..Bored.

 

We got back from a cruise which was great but we had an argument on the way home. I held a grudge about it, which I am not proud of and later apologized for. We tried working things out over the 2 weeks, took a break, after the cruise and hung out once and watched a movie. That night you could cut the Sexual Tension with a knife.

 

The next week I said lets get back together and she agreed let's reconcile. As we started to she told me she had been out on a few dates with another guy, but she wasn't feeling it with him and with me wanting to resume she had to get rid of him. So I said "OK" deal with him. This is where everything went off the rails....

 

It took her 3 weeks to end things with this guy and in the mean time I got desperate, needy & turned into a Wussbag to quote the experts.I Showered her with too many Affectionate Words, Flowers... You name it I said it. When the other guy was sent packing I had a romantic weekend getaway set-up for us. It was 2 days before we were suppose to go away and she says "I am not there anymore" - My Neediness & OverAffection & Pressure KILLED the attraction and pushed her away.

 

So I went on the weekend getaway myself. After that weekend I went into NC, she was emailing me daily almost like nothing had happened. I finally emailed her and said "Please understand I cannot remain in contact with you, so you can have the space you desire"

 

2 weeks went by without any contact, then she broke it with a phone call. We talked and it was like old times, but I really had the sense that she wanted to Friend Zone me and was using me to help her get through the guilt & remorse she was feeling. During this phone she was more positive and mentioned a lot of the good times we had, even reversing her thoughts on one time that one time she talked about negatively.

 

She wanted to meet up for Brunch, this would have been the first time seeing each other since she broke up with over email.... yes you read that right...LOL

 

I declined and canceled a Movie we had booked in our Email Calendars.

 

She responded to the Movie cancellation with "That made me feel Sad. Does this mean you don't want to hang out anymore?"

 

In my response to her email I reiterated that there is only one relationship I want with her and that is us together in a loving relationship.. not friendship.. & canceled Brunch.

 

She responded with "I Understand & No worries about the Movie Cancellation"

 

There has been No Contact Since. It will be 2 Months on August 14th.

 

After reading a lot of relationship material on the Internet I get that my actions KILLED the attraction between us. I never thought my actions would have had that effect.I mean I was just being affectionate!

 

So I know that it will be hard for her to come back to me seeing as the Attraction and her Interest are low or totally gone because she only remembers that Needy, Desperate Guy that came out of nowhere.

 

I am thinking the only way to get the attraction back is to get in her face within the next month and show her the attractive, confident man she fell in love with.

 

Thoughts?

[iBroken]

So you tried to win her over while she was "ending" it with the new guy. That killed it for her so she ended it with you and now you want to win her over again? Only with not as many flowers and stuff? Same sh*t different day no?

 

Bad idea.

 

Just leave it. It wasnt you that killed her attraction. It was her attraction to the other guy that killed her attraction to you.

 

Dont settle for being sloppy seconds. Stick with NC and move on to greener pastures

[stu1973]

It's a tricky one Cedric my friend,

 

It seems like there's no clear cut answer to your dilemma.

 

The main thing is you've prevented yourself slipping into the friendzone, good on you.

 

I think all you can do is NC and work on yourself. If she wants you back, she'll come back, if not you'll have to let her go I'm afraid.

 

I'm with you on the whole "killing attraction" thing. Being inexperienced relationship-wise, when I felt it going pear-shaped, I sent flowers, acted needy etc. and killed the attraction stone dead. They should teach us guys at school not to be romantic!

[Maverick44]

Honestly, I don't know that I believe in Friend-Zone.

 

However, I do believe in healing. I believe that you did exactly the right things for what you needed to heal from in dealing with the confusion/emotions and that was taking that space for yourself.

 

I also don't believe you 'killed' attraction. I mean, sheesh - what are you supposed to do - be stoic? Someone else said it was called 'wooing' for a reason.

 

Time and place for it all.

 

She wasn't attracted anymore because sometimes things just turn out that way. It doesn't seem right or fair and honestly, there is no friggin' logic about it. It just is.

 

When you're able to hang out and not expect anything, then hang out. Until then, you're emotionally at a disadvantage. Continue to take the time to heal.

 

You haven't killed the friendship but you do have to take the distance from it.

 

Maverick

[lifeistough75]

you are blaming yourself based on assumptions, and some internet reading. Come on dude! You definitely did the right thing cancelling the brunch and movie. But this girl was gone when she went on the break. Especially when you found out she was dating another guy during such a short time. You acted too weak there, you should have dumped her right there and in there. The affection stuff is definitely not the reason why you are not with her. Don't blame yourself, and believe me, you don't want this girl.

[rapunzel]

I understand your feelings. You, like the rest of us, are trying to figure her out and figure out what happened. I also felt like I killed the attraction with the guy who brought me here by overdoing it on the affection and by being too available. The truth is, I really don't know but next time I meet someone I'm really into I'll be a lot more cautious. I certainly won't be showing all my cards as I did with him. Human nature wants what it cannot have.

 

Agree that when she was still ending things with the other guy you should have disappeared and let her come to you but her actions throughout show that she was wishy washy about him, and she was wishy washy about you. So really - this is all about her and has nothing to do with you.

 

And it's very possible that someday she'll look back and think about how sweet you were, showering her with affection and it will be a positive memory for her, not a negative one. She may get back in touch with you but I agree with the others that you should stay No Contact. You let her know that you wanted a relationship and not a friendship. Her reply of "I Understand & No worries about the Movie Cancellation" and then no word for 2 months clearly shows she was not interested in a relationship at that time. She did want to keep you as a friend but kudos to you for being strong and not settling for crumbs.

 

It's difficult to not take these things personally but I recommend that you try not to. She had her own agenda that had nothing to do with you. Have you read "The Four Agreements"? There is a great chapter on Don't Take Anything Personally.