Do we still have chance to get back together?

[bbkay]

We were together for 6 years. We broke up 2 months ago.

 

Everything has changed when she had a trip with her colleagues (male and female) in last year October. Her attitude has changed. She seems like cold to me.

 

I admit I did control her so tight for the last few years, but I am improving myself when I know what I did on her was not right. I love her that's why I willing to change myself to fit her.

 

One day she told me she accidentally has good feeling with her male colleague during the last trip in October. She told me she cannot control herself thinking of this man. She said this man has same interest with her and can make her happy, but she will not get together with him because he is not her type.

 

She says she lost feelings for me. She'll always love me she says, but she isn't IN love with me anymore. Feeling is faded. She also told me that it is not fair being together with me but her mind keep thinking to other. She requested to break up. I love her so much; I was trying so hard to beg her not to leave me, and she agreed but giving her a bit times to consider.

 

In April, I have to leave my country for 6 months for a project. And at the same time, she also left the country to China for her project as well. I thought this is a very good time for us to cool down and get back her feeling on me. But everything seems like not as what I expected. I did call her once per week (she stayed in China for five weeks), and I did send her emails to encourage her since she told me she is stress on her project. Day after day, I did not receive any call from her and even no email replied from her (this is unusual) at all. On May 7th, I called her again to find out what happening to her (I really care about her). Again she told me she cannot stop thinking of the guy, that's why she didn't know how to reply my emails. She requested to break up again.

 

In June, I went back to my country and I have the chance (I contact her) to meet her for dinner. We act like usual, sharing food, sharing drink and so on. She asked me whether I still angry with her on the previous matter. I told her I am not but I need to know whether we still have chance to get back together. She shakes her head, and told me she fall in love with her colleague, but they are not together because she knows she can overcome and stop thinking of him. What did she mean? I am really confused. I was trying to convince her with all our happiness in the last 6 years. She was crying and again she required some more time from me to solve the problem.

 

I am very confusing; I do not know what she means on giving her a little bit more time. I am back to my project again. Till today, I haven't received any call (she used to call me every night when we were still together) or email reply from her although I did call and send her email.

 

I just can't understand why she's changing so fast. How can she just forget all the happiness we have in the past 6 years. It is so easy for her, but so hard for me.

 

What should I do? Wait till she stops thinking of her colleague? Do we still have chance to get back together? Please advise!

[curbie]

bbkay>

 

Let me just say that I know EXACTLY how you feel. I guess the only thing I can provide to you, is to just follow the no contact rule - or since you two seem to get along pretty well just by having dinner or sharing drinks...then keep that up, but you'll have to accept what she is feeling for now. I know it's hard....Oh, do I know it is hard. Believe me. I just did something earlier to my ex...we got into a heated argument and I won't hear from her ever again. I feel horrible about it and now there is no room for forgiveness. Just hang in there and try to be a friend for her, ok? I'm sorry I dont have better advice.

[Celadon]

bbkay,

 

I agree with curbie. Your ex wants to have time to herself now. She doesn't know what to do about her colleague and if you were also in the picture it would be twice as confusing for her.

 

Think of her only as a friend right now. IF you want to, you can tell her this is what you are doing -- giving her space. But tell her you'd be ready to get back together when she's ready.

 

Since you said before that you were controlling, trying to live without her is very important. If you learn to live your life without controlling her, this will be good for your relationship, if you do get back together.

 

Good luck.

[Mun]

Hi bbkay, the best thing you can do right now is to leave her alone. She has to work out her feelings. There must be something missing between you two for her to feel this much attraction to someone else. She just might be feeling that the spark is gone with you.

 

Let her be alone for awhile, maybe once she misses you the spark will come back. Try not to call her or write or anything. Let her sort out her thoughts.If she is crying when you mention how you two were very happy together, this is a good thing ( she still cares)Let her be the one to come looking for you now.

 

Be strong through this. Try to keep working and concentrating on yourself too.

[bbkay]

Hi all,

 

I just received a reply mail from my ex ( I sent her a mail few weeks ago)and she asked me to leave her alone and let her go. She said she is sick to feel guilty toward to me. Maybe she really had done something wrong to me when we were together.

What can I do? I think the only thing I can do now is giving up of this relationship and start my life again.

6 years relationship is not a short period. But what can I do if she really doesn't want to get back together, right!

[curbie]

bbkay> I'm so terribly sorry to hear that. You have my sympathy. Only my last realationship was 4 years....but 4 years is as almost good as 6 years.

[Celadon]

bbkay,

 

I'm really sorry to hear this. I know that's not what you wanted.... Take care.

[bbkay]

She called me few days ago for a little thing. She said hi to me and asked me how am I doing in Taiwan. She wants me to inform her when i going back to my country.

 

why she still want to call me since she already said she has no feeling with me, plead me to leave her alone and let her go? Why she still want to talk when I decided to forget our 6+ years relationship and move on?

 

Can anybody tell me why? please.....

[Celadon]

I'm sorry that her call seems to have upset you, bbkay. I understand how that goes.

 

She probably called because she missed you in some way. Maybe not romantically, but as a friend, as someone who knows her well. She probably also feels guilty and was trying to feel better by talking with you.

 

You owe her nothing. You have a future ahead of you that will be full and interesting. If you do not feel like calling her before you leave the country, then I suggest you don't. You can always e-mail her later.

 

Take care.

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey bbkay,

 

I would suggest you be very careful if you decide to contact her this soon into no contact. Two weeks after my ex broke up with me she contacted me about some small thing. I got so excited thinking how wonderful it was that she had thought of me, and how maybe this was a good sign. Well, by getting into contact on her terms, I managed to relive the breakup all over again. There was nothing nasty said between us, it's just that it was a huge reminder that all the attachments I had with this woman were gone.

 

My suggestion for you bbkay, is to ask her why she needs to know when you're coming back in the country. Tell her you're still shaken over the breakup and it might be best if you get more distance before speaking with each other again.

 

Of course following K8tie's advice will do the same thing, but I know how hard it is to avoid contacting the ex once she's initiated some contact. It's very important that you take time for yourself and try to heal, and I don't think telling her you want that time is necessarily a bad thing. Especially if you have control issues when you're in a relationship. The more she can see that you're stepping away from the relationship to solve your own issues, and not concerning yourself with her life (ie still trying to control her life), the better.

 

Hope this helps.

[bbkay]

Thanks for the advise.

 

I understand her call is just because of guilty leaving me here. Besides, she called me maybe is because she just wanna to pass the key back to my sister (coz she doesn't have courage to face my family, i guess).

I do not know whether i suppose to call her or not when I go back to my country on early of August.

Her birthday is coming soon, I intent to send her a birthday gift. Do you think I am doing the right thing?

[Celadon]

bbkay, It's probably okay to send her a gift. the only thing is, you'll probably then be waiting to hear back from her, and that might cause you pain as you wait. I understand your desire to do so, though.

 

You might have to "psyche" yourself up to say...I am giving this to her and I do not want or expect to hear back from her. I'm just doing it because I'm generous and caring.

 

Hopefully, she will be kind enough to reply, though.

[bbkay]

Actually I don't expect to receive any reply from her when I send her the birthday gift. I do this is because of generous and caring as what you said.

I believe I won't able to get her back if she has lost her feeling to me.

I just cannot believe what I had done for her in the last 6 years is not what she wants. She told me her feeling to me start faded 2 years ago, but I don't really understand why she kept relay the relationship and leave me alone after two years. I was spending my love to her but she was pulling out slowly. Don't you think it is very selfish? I am deeply hurt, and I don't want to hurt again. I am now trying to keep away what she gave to me and trying to not thinking of her as fast as possible.

[Celadon]

Yes, bbkay. In a way, it was selfish of her to continue in the relationship if something was wrong. She could have either pulled out then or tried to improve the relationship in some way. I understand how you feel; my ex did the same thing.

 

But I would also say that it is not easy for some people to know how they feel at the time, or what to do about it. Some people are not so good at self-reflection. Certainly, it'd be nice if everyone were.

 

Part of letting go is turning away from the person and the pain they've caused. Another part of letting go, however, is acknowledging that situations and feelings are not black and white. She did love you some. She did care for you. In the end, though, she made a choice that you now have to live with. Time will bring healing, bbkay. Take care of yourself.

[bbkay]

Hi K8tie Kool

 

Everything is being confused. I didn't expect she will give me a reply, but yesterday she sent me an email to thank me on the gift. She told me she really touching with the gift that I sent her and she like it very much. Besides, she also said she starting miss me again after she came back from travel with her old friends few days ago. She told me she recalls all the pleasures moment that we were together. She said she realises she miss me when she knows she is completely losing me (coz I didn't call her for a month).

In the reply, she also attached few pages of note that describe how we started our relationship from the first day we met till we hold our hand together and started our lovely relationship......she really really remembers everything although some of it I can't really recall. Why she wrote this to me? I don't really understand...why??? I am moving on.....

 

I didn't reply her. I want to tell her I miss her too, but what going to happen then? I do not know what to do and I afraid I will fall again...... Can I have some advices?

[Celadon]

Hi bbkay,

 

I'm sorry to hear you're in this confused situation. See, this is why many people abide by the "No Contact" rule, because once there's contact, old feelings well up and it's very painful.

 

I think she's trying to gain comfort from you, but I don't think you should give her any. She doesn't realize how much this is hurting you. She's just being selfish, now that she realizes she can't toy around with you anymore.

 

Every person wants to feel wanted, and when they realize they don't have that power and security anymore, they try to see if they can get it back. Of course they're sad, but that's THEIR problem, not yours. (Remember who left who here, okay bbkay??)

 

My advice is --- don't reply now. Wait awhile, then just pop her a SHORT note saying something like, "Got your note. Thanks. I'll always have good memories too. Best of luck to you." AND THAT'S IT.

 

For your own sake, you need to continue moving on and healing. At some point in the future, you'll be able to contact her without pain. You'll even be able to see each other and it will be like seeing an old friend. But you must wait, for your own sake.

 

Of course you still care about her, but just because you need to be separate from her now doesn't mean you don't care. You just need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

 

Take care, bbkay.

[Mun]

Hi Bbkay,

It sounds to me like she wants to get back together, but what do you want? Believe her when she says she misses you and remembers everything about the relationship. It sounds like she has been thinking about you alot maybe she regrets breaking up.

Is she close to you? Can you meet with her?

 

What do you want to happen now?

[bbkay]

Hi muneca,

 

I do not know what she is thinking....I afraid she just miss me but doesn't want to get back together. Now what I can do is just keep going with NC. I am not close to her, coz now I am in Taiwan. She asked me to call her when get back to my country in August. But I really do not know whether should I call her or not.

 

She just called me yesterday. She just say hi to me and asking me how the life in Taiwan.

 

I must make sure she really love me and want me to get back to her. I afraid I will fall again if not know it for sure.