rich 1517 - within stones throw?

[rich_1517]

HI

 

if you have been following my story i put my name in it so you can skip it if bored. im not that pathetic but this has been going for five months. but i still need advice.

 

breifly: three years together, lots of love, friendship, support, stubborness, mutually compatible in spiritual, friendship, mentally, financially, romance.

 

until: she asked me to move in, i said no twice becuase i was afraid and i wanted her to open up more. by business failed and she shut down intimately (has with every relationship for her).

 

in january she left saying i need time. came back two months later and said lets date and see. she said i see you more as a friend but i love you so lets see. i ended that and said i would start dating others becuase she showed no interest in moving forward after four weeks.

 

she kept calling i caved in said i want you back. so we started dating again, this time with camping, weekend trips. still no sex or serious kissing.

 

this moves to me sleeping over (on couch), and her and her son sleeping here. again no sex.

 

now she has invited me for four days up in the mountains alone, and a trip out of country for two weeks.

 

i am heavily invovled with her and her son who loves me. we are all very good together. even though i have no kids she talks to me constantly about parenting a young boy (having been a rascal as child i know him very well). she now includes areas of change she would like to see in our conversations. as do i.

 

we have been having a great time, she is giving all her free time to seeing me and has said this "i love you, i love being with you, i dont want to lose you, i dotn understand myself"

 

so she is keeping intimacy completely at bay and i feel like the friend who is taken for granted, except you dont try to book all your free time with one friend who was a lover for so long. or do you? right now we are looking at an entire summer of plans.

 

 

so my question is this:

 

i have been doing the non threatening accepting her comfort zone route, not pushing sex but keeping it in her mind. and i date others, i dont push or when i do i apologise and pull away some, she follows.

 

this is not going to be enough i think, or is it.

 

these are my thoughts on next steps:

 

1. do nothing and let her drive until she caves in. she has now taken over planning again and her heart will follow (and the rest of her)

this approach means very slooooow progress.

 

2. confront diplomatically: say "i love being with you, and i want to travel and do everything, but its confusing if there is no intimacy, can you tell me whats happeing for you? the idea of being together with this much unclarity is kind of hard"

 

3. push harder: "i need you to talk to me about what we are doing, whether romance is something you want, we do everything together except those things that would makes us a real couple, how long do you need? and what are your expectations from me?"

 

 

or of course your ideas....

[Mar]

Hi Rich,

 

I think your #2 and #2 combined, in an unpushy way, would be your best bet. You're absolutely right in that she's taking you apparently in the role of boyfriend, scheduling trips and spending time exclusively with you, and verbalizing the love, but it stops there. God, I'd be confused too!

 

Definitely talk to her. I know you have in the past, and I've suggested this to you several times already, but you know the old cliche: "Communication is the key to a healthy relationship." Good cliche because it's true. Let her know your feelings, since she's shared hers (I'm sure you have already, but once more doesn't hurt, and gentles the push you're going to give her) and ask her to flat-out tell you what her expectations are. I'd REALLY stay away from the timeline thing, though-as you remember, that didn't work too well in the past, and she stayed vague right up to that deadline. You never got an answer with that end date, why would she give you one now?

 

Best bet is to just tell her that you need to know flat-out. After all, she knows you better than just about anyone, you two dated for 3 years WITH intimacy, what's the problem here? (And yes, I know what the problems were, but you know what I mean!) There has to be a definite something that's holding her back from expressing intimacy, and if it has to do with you specifically, that's going to be a rather large problem in moving this forward anymore. "I don't know" isn't acceptable either, which I'm guessing will be her first answer. Of course she knows.

 

You've now invested years of your life in this woman, and you're due some return, past mistakes put aside now. If she can accept you into her life to the level she has, it's time for that "all or nothing" discussion.

 

Mar

[hurtabandoned]

Hey rich,

 

This is just my opinion, I'm far from an expert on relationships. Talking to her about how you feel would be a good idea. This should be done in a non confrontational manner. If she feels pressured it may cause her to back away from you. If she gave in under pressure that would only work against you.

 

Sharing how you feel is much better than letting it fester. She may be totally unaware that this is bothering you. She can't change what she doesn't know about. Keep the lines of communication open.

 

Other than that you two don't seem to be doing too bad. Hang in there and be patient. Good Luck to the both of you.

 

 

Hurt