Any way forward?

[zuider zee]

Don't know what advice I'm really after. I feel like I'm drowning in quicksand, and the more I struggle to get out, the deeper I sink.

 

Zero friends, and no family nearby. I visit them 3-4 times a year, none of them EVER visit me, last time was December 2008.

 

I hate being lonely

I hate being unable to make friends

I hate being introverted

I hate being gay

I hate being homophobic

I hate being bald

I hate being ugly

I hate being impractical

I hate that I find it hard explaining what I mean when I speak

 

Bald and ugly I could tolerate, just not the rest. I've tried to like myself, but it's never worked and it just gets harder with every year. I've tried to make friends many times, by trying to chat to people and being cheery, but here I am still with not even one friend. I've tried to meet people by doing evening classes, singles holidays, joining clubs, etc. Even tried volunteering: I was rejected.

 

So, here I am sitting here looking at the same four walls, wondering if I've got a future like this.

[anya1607307555]

I don't know what to say to you to make everything suddenly make sense, but I know I, for one, have had similar negative and frustrating feelings throughout my life.

 

My advice would be to stick around eNA and keep asking questions, people here genuinely care. I think the Personal Growth section may appeal to you, hopefully reading something there will resonate with you and help you move in a different direction.

 

Build up your posts to enable private messaging, you're welcome to send me a message anytime. Best wishes.

[zuider zee]

Thanks for replying Anya. Wish I knew how to sort out the negative feelings. I've tried so many times with absolutely no success. And this last week's been the worst one yet for so many unrelated reasons.

 

I always put on a smiley face for other people, laughing when they laugh and so on, and when I came to this forum I just blurted out all the hurt I feel inside, so apologies to anyone who thought my initial post looked overly negative.

[anya1607307555]

Thanks for replying Anya. Wish I knew how to sort out the negative feelings. I've tried so many times with absolutely no success. And this last week's been the worst one yet for so many unrelated reasons.

 

I guess it's about making a choice to stop the negative thoughts. If you think about it, filling your head with negative ones, gives little space for positive ones to flourish. Becoming aware and realising that you do have control over your emotions and whether you choose to feel them is the first step. To practise this is a revelation. (Google stop negative thinking/thoughts.)

 

I always put on a smiley face for other people, laughing when they laugh and so on, and when I came to this forum I just blurted out all the hurt I feel inside, so apologies to anyone who thought my initial post looked overly negative.

 

I found that in order for me to move forward in a positive light I had to accept my reality, to be honest with myself about what I was feeling and when. For instance, dropping the smiley face and asking for help.

[zuider zee]

Anya,

 

I have tried positive thoughts. For years I tried positive thoughts. I told myself I was sure I'd succeed at this, I was sure I'd succeed at that. Even after the 1000th attempt I'd tell myself I'd be successful on the 1001st, then the 1002nd. Eventually, I've come to realise the positive thoughts were knocking me back, and I've tried (and failed of course) to do simpler stuff. I've tried to be happy with who I am, but I feel like I'm lying to myself, suppressing my feelings, which drags me down so I can't win.

 

As for the smiley face, I've no friends to open up to, and family, well I did try opening to them a couple of times, but got the brush-off ("shyness is a sign of selfishness" and such). They'll have long-since forgotten those conversations, but I haven't. I felt kicked in the stomach.

 

I keep thinking of new ideas, then realise I've already tried them, with disastrous results. That is what is so depressing.

[zuider zee]

In my twenties I thought I had plenty of friends, but turned out they were just colleagues. I found out when I moved into my first house and invited a few of them round from work and the various clubs I belong to. They all made excuses: busy decorating, going on holiday tomorrow. Every single person! But I was happy in my naivete until then.

 

And unwanted is how it's been ever since.

[andi8172]

what do you like to do?

listen to music

watch films

do you work/college

familys dont really like to accept your troubled so dont take too much notice of that!

stop trying to be cheery in front of people its a false start im not saying be misserable just be yourself!

tell us some new ideas youve tried?

[zuider zee]

what do you like to do?

listen to music

watch films

do you work/college

familys dont really like to accept your troubled so dont take too much notice of that!

stop trying to be cheery in front of people its a false start im not saying be misserable just be yourself!

tell us some new ideas youve tried?

Music: old music, 20's to 60's. Anything on 78s!

Films: none really, don't get on with fiction, and 30 mins I'm itching to switch off.

Work: yes, in an office.

 

I've tried:

 

1) Doing evening classes in my area, good for the academic point of view, but that's all. Various clubs (maths/astronomy) but when talking socially afterwards people hate to talk about the subject (it's talking "shop"), they like to talk sport, football and stuff. I've never liked sport, never been any good.

 

2) Went to an annual meeting of another club (I get their newsletters 3-4 times a year) a couple of years ago, was looking forward to a great evening, and had a great time beforehand anticipating. But every other member had gone with a partner or group of friends, and I was as usual just listening in from the outside. Came home in despair.

 

3) Singles holidays, the people are friendly enough, and on one recent one we exchanged email addresses afterwards, but even though I emailed the ones that asked my pics when I got back, only one replied ... and that was a simple "Thanks, will look at these later". And that was the last I heard.

 

Also tried holidays on my own, but it always feels a bit of a let down without someone to share with (although I always tell people I had a great time!).

 

Also tried going local walks. Great at first, going for a walk in the fresh air, till you've done them all dozens of times each. I've exhausted all the places within a 100 mile distance, and I end up just going through the motions. Last week got in the car and ended up driving round in a big 50-mile circle, not wanting to come home.

 

4) Charity stuff. Tried volunteering, went into the shop but they didn't need any weekend drivers, they had plenty already, just needed weekday drivers. Another charity I had to apply by mail and was rejected.

[andi8172]

ah! youre a vinyl man the second hand/charity shop here just had a stack of 45'bought in and i spent about an hour going through them it was the most fun ive had in a while theres nothing quite like putting a record on so im with you there!

evening classes are ok but most people want to learn i find and not very socialble

annual meetings yeah been there third wheel and all that!

singles holidays see that tells me at least youre out there! i couldnt do that on my own

charity stuff everybody wants to do to make themselves feel better so dont be too down about being rejected charity isnt just about shops though thereshelp the aged/pets/food for incapable people+homeless

what im saying is dont give up

first you dont sound impractical,2nd you can obviously use a computer so you aint stupid

3rd you have a love of old music go online and find a small venue where live music plays and become a regular patron once the bar person gets to know your face and know you like live music he/she will talk to you other people will see this and talk to you aswell

4thstart a thread in off topic( about i dont know old music say)watch people respond and just reply with them but give it a chance not every thread is popular!

so youre bald we all get that just make a joke about it.

what im saying is at least youre trying the world needs decent people and you seem decent enough for people to reply just like anya did.

[zuider zee]

Thanks for the detailed reply, Andi.

 

Yeah, I'm not stupid academically (hope I'm not boasting), just no common sense, or so I've been told by various people (family and one outspoken former boss). Definitely impractical though, I break everything I try to fix. Wouldn't mind so much if I had someone to joke about it with.

 

Must come clean though and admit I listen to all the 78s via MP3, not vinyl. Can't remember when I first started listening to them though I used to listen to a weekly radio show that's since stopped broadcasting. I tried to find a venue local to me some time back to go and watch. Found one via Google then saw their next show was five years ago (just need a time machine to get there!), and the phone line was dead. Will have another look after this. All the bars I've been to round here that play music all play it way too loud.

[andi8172]

yeah mp3's are ok and you can find all music via net but i still love going hunting for music/dvds

thats weird everything i break i fix and then break again (slight anger issue with objects that you can throw at walls lol)

keep googleing though youll find one normally just outside town into country where folk are just out for relaxing/sunday lunch etc

good luck keep posting let us know how it goes

[zuider zee]

Found three vintage music clubs nearby.

 

1) Run by someone I had a fallout with (used to work at my place), and she's STILL the PR/organiser. Def out.

 

2) All remaining gigs cancelled.

 

3) Closed for summer break ... will see if I can call them anyway, and maybe go later in year.

 

I've also found another activity club in local mag, so will give them a call. Not too hopeful, as this is what I've been naively doing every year, joining a new club, and my hopes are always dashed. Looking on the bright side, maybe it's 1003rd time lucky!

thats weird everything i break i fix and then break again (slight anger issue with objects that you can throw at walls lol)

That's me too. Tried to fix a lamp which wouldn't work (OK in one socket, not in another, but vacuum cleaner OK in both). Answer: smash lamp to pieces and buy a new one. Only forgot to take bulb out first, and ended up with tiny pieces of glass all over carpet. Hah! That was my first handyman attempt, there've been lots since, all following much the same pattern. Another time tried to fix a stiff patio door, only to end up unable to lock it at all!

[andi8172]

when you call these places ask them if they can recommend somewhere aswell and atleast youre trying

my last episode was a block of cheese i couldnt open the cellophane so instead of walking over to get a knife i got angry and threw the cheese at a wall and of course that was when it opened and went everywhere LOL

see your not on your own there!

[zuider zee]

That's similar to the USB drive I got one Xmas, in a large piece of shrinkwrap. Couldn't open it, the sharp edges cut my fingers. I ended up smashing the thing so badly there would be no point trying to prize it out, and then throwing it behind a bookcase, where it remains to this day ...

[zuider zee]

Just to add, I saw the ad for that last activity club a couple of weeks ago and decided not to call at the time ... because I wouldn't be around much longer. Now I've already missed three classes, I'm away working next week, and abroad the week after (yes, another holiday). So it'll be 5 weeks missed. Well, I'll give it one week to see how it goes, assuming I'm allowed in that is.

 

One club I joined back in 1999/2000 got off to a bad start and went downhill. I rang the PR guy to get the details. Me: "Is this the X driving club". Him: "No, it's the ABC of X club" (pompously giving its full official title). Things got worse. It met every first Sunday morning and they weren't friendly at all, anything I said was dismissed as silly, so I tended to keep my mouth shut. After several months of trying, I told the PR guy not to reserve a trainer for me next time. Next month, he rang me. "Where are you. We're expecting you." as though I was a naughty schoolboy. I told him I'd already canceled my membership. "Well, you never told me" he shouted back, and I slammed the phone down on him, seething mad.

 

Luckily that's been the one exception. All my other clubs so far have been friendly, even if only superficially so.

[zuider zee]

Well, I've been having a long hard think about these damn clubs and I'm not sure I want to keep going round the same old circle with another one, making the same old mistakes over and over. In my current club, I found out recently that those that I sit and chat with most during the evening had all arranged a BBQ get-together one Saturday (not club-related), and I hadn't been invited. Why would I have been though? I'm sick of being the outsider all the time. I wish wish wish I knew what I keep doing wrong, so I could at least do something about it!

 

Why do I keep wanting what I can't have? Why can't I be happy on my own?

[andi8172]

sounds like you did the right thing leaving this club who needs clubs like this youre the one paying their wage i wouldnt have hung up on him though being sarcastic back at them is more fun and it would have annoyed the heck out of him

but like you say theres exceptions ...always.

[andi8172]

Well, I've been having a long hard think about these damn clubs and I'm not sure I want to keep going round the same old circle with another one, making the same old mistakes over and over. In my current club, I found out recently that those that I sit and chat with most during the evening had all arranged a BBQ get-together one Saturday (not club-related), and I hadn't been invited. Why would I have been though? I'm sick of being the outsider all the time. I wish wish wish I knew what I keep doing wrong, so I could at least do something about it!

 

Why do I keep wanting what I can't have? Why can't I be happy on my own?

ask them!get the ringleader on their own and say heard you had bbq thanks"friend"what have i done to upset you ,the only way to know is to ask then think to yourself im me, i am who i am and if you dont like me thats your problem

is this group so important? youve made the effort

i know what you meen going round in circles but how about a change of direction find something you know nothing about at all and start at the bottom with everyone else

if all they talk about is sport learn five facts about that sport its a good icebreaker and good start(ive done this)

what is it you want arelationship? take a look at some other threads on here you may change your mind and there also good conversation pieces to join in discussions with!