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Disillusioned with love -- my story.


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So it's almost 3 AM, and after hours of rolling around in bed without being able to sleep, I decided to write this post in the hopes that somebody out there will read my story.


So I'm a 25 year old girl. After 5 years with my boyfriend, we separated recently. Deep inside, I always knew it was going to happen. We were deeply in love, but our relationship had this strange quality, almost like we were magnets that repelled whenever we got too close to one another. We had different ideas of what we wanted out of life and different attitudes about living, work, and just about everything. But our feelings were so strong for each other that we just couldn't bring ourselves to end it until recently. It seemed like a cruel joke that life had played on us--we were two people with amazing chemistry who loved each other deeply, but for some reason God just made us too different to be together. When we did end it, it was mutual, but it was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever done in my life. As I watched him walk away from me, I just wanted to scream for him to come back the entire time. But I sucked it all up for that thing called logic.


Anyway, the heartache I've been experiencing since separating from my boyfriend has been absolutely awful. It's been months, and I still feel sad all the time. After some time had passed, I eventually decided to contact the only other man I've loved in my life. This other man was my first love and we hadn't talked in years. It was thrilling to write back and forth with him over email for months on end. But after a while, it just seemed like his enthusiasm for talking to me wasn't as much as I had hoped. Maybe it was just my heartache (he may have just gotten busier for a time), but I got the feeling that he just didn't feel anything special for me anymore, even though he hadn't had any relationships in the 6 years we had been apart. So in the end, talking to him only gave me more heartache than I had started with.


How do I explain my feelings? It's hard. When I was a little girl, I always dreamed that I'd be married just out of college, just like my mom was. I never thought things would end up like this. I know that 25 really isn't that old, but I feel so old inside after all of the heartbreak I've felt. I don't think I even believe in love anymore. I'm a model and I doubt that anyone would ever believe that I could possibly be this sad, but I truly am. I feel like the only guys out there who express interest in me are guys who only are interested in my appearance / sex, and all I want is a relationship like the two special ones I've had before, where I am truly loved and appreciated as a human being. I want a stable, loving relationship, but I don't even know where to start in terms of finding it. And I feel hung up on my previous relationships, which makes it even harder for me...I want to open my heart, but I just can't figure out how to do it.


So here I am, alone in this world, typing this out for you guys to read. Will this disillusionment ever fade? How can I believe in love again, when love has broken my heart so thoroughly? I would love to hear from anybody who can find it in his / her heart to care about a stranger.

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There are lots of people out there. If you feel that your attractiveness is making you meet shallow people, try meeting people online with an unflattering picture for your profile. Talk to them for a couple days on email or chat and if theres a connection, meet up and see how it goes.


I feel that im sort of above average attractiveness and the internet makes it much easier to find people who actually love talking to me and dont even know what i look like.

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You contacted your first love simply because you were feeling lonely and wanted to relive what it feels like having a romance....not so much that you were pining for this first love. You are miserable because you are focusing only on having the life that comes with having a boyfriend. Why not focus on making a life for yourself irrespective of having a boyfriend. If you can start being happy even without a partner you won't feel this same desperation to find a partner.

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