Girlfriend problems... please help.

[username11one]

About 4 months ago we had an argument about her ex boyfriend. He called her and she'd talk to him... while she was already talking to me. She helps him, even though he hurt her. I didn't want her to do this, and I told her. Lets call the ex "J".

 

She says she can't handle that. She can't stand the thought of me trying to control who she talks to.

 

After the argument we don't properly speak for about 4 months, she just won't speak to me. She can, I know she can. Its not like she's busy every second of every day.

 

Its really sickening, theres so much I want to speak to her about... Our relationship used to be really open. We'd talk about everything. I am just left to wonder now, sometimes I write her letters. She never responds to them, and they're full of questions. If i'm lucky i'll get a "it was nice" or "yeah, i got it". These letters aren't light, they're 4,000 words full of my deepest emotions.

 

It is sickening though, it makes me feel sick that she won't talk to me. I love this girl more than anything and she doesn't speak to me. I feel worthless sometimes. I am left to wonder why she won't talk to me, I'd give her the world if she'd let me. Its like she doesn't want me anymore... But she never says that. She hasn't told me its over, she said if I wanted to end it then she wouldn't stop me on the night of the argument. Of course I don't.

 

This is a long distance relationship too by the way, I went to see her 2 weeks ago (4 hr plane trip) and that was pretty nice. I could tell she always had things on her mind though, she wasn't at peace with anything.

 

 

I think after the argument she might just think that I'm only going to ever think one way, so she can't be open with me about her ex. And she does this and then she doesn't talk to me about anything, like she can't be open about anything. It hurts me so much, it's like a family member has died.

 

She hasn't talked to me in two weeks (since I came back from visitng her). She's ignored my texts, she's been going offline on msn, and she recently deleted me on facebook. Her relationship status changed from "single" to "married to J"... yeah, we don't use facebook much or anything so we werent together on that. I guess i've been facebook stalking her lately because i'm worried. I noticed "Married to J"... the Ex. and she "likes" it. That was pretty annoying. So I wrote a sarcastic comment on her wall about it and she deletes me. I guess she's been helping him. Or he's been helping her.

 

She still hasn't said anything to me. I think I've been pretty good to her, the time we've spent together. I don't hurt her. I'm loving with her. I appreciate her and the time we spend together.

 

I dont know... this is so frustrating. I love her. We were together a year before all this started... that time was heaven. I was so happy every day. We talked for 4, 5 hours a day. So, I'm going to make this work. What do you recommend I do? I've been trying to just give her time, but I don't do that very well. I keep breaking. I keep sending her messages and trying to contact her. It feels like i've been waiting so long.

 

Are there magic words I can say to her that will make her be like "oh those were just the words I wanted to hear, please lets talk again"??

 

 

Please help... I've been talking to a friend about her, (girlfriends friend first) and yeah. She ignored the last message I sent. She ignored it too.

[username11one]

I'm only young by the way, I don't know how to control my emotions yet. I really need to learn and i'm sorry if this message offends anyone here in anyway because that was not my intention..

[bri427]

sadly...i think she needs a slight dose of reality. she will continue to torment you like this until she realizes what shes missing out on. for your sake and dignity STOP!!! i kno that sounds harsh and unreasonable but its the only thing you HAVENT tried yet. the more you push her to tlk and connect with you the less it will happen. she is playing mind games with you right now knowing you wont leave her. as much as u love her, what you want from her, shes not giving you. leave the pieces on the floor and see if she picks them up on her own. all this is easier said than done, i know. but you gotta try all options...so this is ur next best bet. leave her be and see what she does then. best of luck to you. xobri

[username11one]

thanks alot for the quick reply. I've been trying to do that but its so hard. I think if I really commit to that then I could, but that is really the last option for me... I know she's smart and she'll work everything out eventually, but that might mean I have to wait years. I would hate that. If she came back to me then I wonder if I would still have the same feelings?

 

Last night I added this J guy to my facebook... but then after the gf deleted me, I deleted him thinking it was best that I don't talk to him because it will just piss her off more (after she deleted me)

 

I'm thinking now about adding him again and getting his msn. I want to ask him if he knows about me, what hollies been up to, if anythings changed, etc. Do you think that is a good idea? Or I should follow Bri's advice?

 

 

Bri when you say to leave her be and see what she does next, does that mean I should just not talk to her until she tries to connect with me again? That I should just wait however long it takes, even if its years?

[bri427]

I do not think contacting him will do any good to you at this point hun...it will only cause more pain to you and that is somethin you want to avoid right now. And yes, that is what i mean. you have done everything you can do...now the one thing u need to do...is nothing at all! The more u push her to open up or be how it use to...the more u will be pushed away. all this will be very hard to go thru, turst me i know all too well. but there will come a day when it wont be so confusing or hurt as bad. life works these things out as they should. as for right now...concentrate on YOU! either she will get the clue and fix this for herself OR u both will move on as this sometimes happens between couples, especially long distance wise. Either way...you will be fine!!!

[ItRainsItPours]

she has been distant with you for 4 months? in a long distance relationship healthy communication is the only possible way for it to work. what she is doing is mental torture and completely unfair to you.

 

she sounds very selfish and inconsiderate. and if she has been doing this for four months I doubt she will change. you may love her but if she doesnt make you happy then whats the point?

 

personally I would end things with her. not making the effort to respond to your letters in a thoughtful way is just her politely ignoring you and completely unacceptable. you shouldnt have to torture yourself while she does not acknowledge your thoughts and feelings.

 

your relationship seems one sided. you have to ask yourself how strong of a possibility is it that you may have more feelings than she does. you make effort for the people you love and she isnt returning yours. I would look for someone who can do as much for you as you can for them.

[aldridal]

Hate to say it, but I think she's considered you two broken up for 4 months now, and just hasn't said it to you for some reason. If I were you, and I know it sucks, but you just need to stop talking to her. Don't warn her, just stop.

[username11one]

Its been on and off for 4 months. Mostly off. Two weeks ago I went to see her and we held hands and cuddled and stuff, it was really nice. On the last day, the day I had to leave, she was distant though. I will stop talking to her, but I will give her time. I promised her I would give her time. I'd love to say thanks for the advice guys, but I feel like that would almost finalize the thread and I don't want it to end, this is a really good website and i'm glad I found it. It is a perfect place to vent feelings. Even the name, enotalone, is perfect.

 

You guys say that I should focus more on me, but I feel empty. Its like i've given all the love I had for the world to her. I don't know, I have uni now so I will be busier at least and hopefully other things will occupy my mind. It looks like some of you have been here before... When you're feeling really weak and you just want to contact them, what do you do to stop yourself? Any tips would be much appreciated, thank you

[bri427]

when you feel as if NOT contacting is far more worse then actually contacting her...remember this...she is the one causing this pain and by showing her more contact u are belittling ureself as well as allowing to her to have the control still. emotions are easy to toy wit but the mistake we all tend to make is giving the control of our emotions to someone else. to stop ureselg from contact just remember how big the world is and how much better u deserve to be treated. the pain will die down eventually,cannot say when but i CAN say it will! the way i see it...what other choice do u have from this point on??? best of luck again!

[username11one]

its been another week and i feel myself getting weaker and weaker, i want to contact her even though you're right...

 

 

So many things have changed. I want my girl back, the one I know. she wouldn't hurt me, she only helped people. I'm trying to stay true to myself and what I said... I said if this kind of thing happened I would wait for her. I keep telling myself to just wait and hope and have faith in her

 

 

 

AHHHHGHrhGHAFHBHFDGHThfgsh.

[metrogirl]

I know you said you are young and I am likely older and perhaps a bit more experienced than you so I am going to be blunt just like I would be blunt if I were talking to one of my sons.

 

She's not interested. Plain and simple....She has plenty of time to talk to her ex and to help her ex and she's showing you without directly telling you that he is more important to her than you are. I know you love her, but you need to cut her loose.

 

You text her, she ignores you. You message her and she deletes you. You log on to MSN and she logs off, how many more ways can she hurt you before you see that it was over 4 months ago? I think she went along with you visiting because she didn't want to hurt your feelings even though that is clearly what she is doing now.

 

Let it go my friend....

[username11one]

I've thought about that so much, but I can't believe that. I guess my opening post was abit of a rant to be honest. I haven't told you guys the full story. We've been together over a year and the full story is very long... But besides that, something just makes it so that I can't help but hope and have faith in her. Its just like a gut instinct when it comes down to it. Maybe i'm a fool. Maybe she's the fool and she needs to mature more before she can make this decision. She's younger than I am. I'm 18 and she's 15, you'd say she's had a pretty rough childhood, and I'm prepared to suffer for two more years while she matures. I guess thats gut instinct too, something tells me when she's 17 she'll be more mature.

 

 

She won't say its over, and she sends me mixed messages all the time. When she comes back to talk to me, it still feels like she never left.

 

I can't just let it go without either of us saying that its over, either.

 

 

I see where you are coming from but from what i've seen (with my mum and family) older people have it easier. They are mature, they see things in black and white. Do you remember the grey of your teenage years? Maybe not everyone goes through it..

[metrogirl]

Of course I remember the grey of my teenage years and now I have children your age and because having children and seeing them go through trials and tribulations with their boyfriends/girlfriends helps give me a better perspective.

 

At 15, most girls don't want to settle for one boy. It may have been that way back in the 40's or 50's but in today's society, girls are more apt to have one boyfriend and string two or three other boys along. I would hate to think that at the young age of 18, you have just given up because you are absolutely sure that she will come around in two years, but what if she doesn't? You will have wasted two good years of your life pining for a girl that never had good intentions.

[username11one]

Thanks for the reply.

 

You're right, but I think she is worth it.

 

 

There's this quote I read yesterday:

“Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live . . . the sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and Hope.”

 

That's where I'm at right now.

[username11one]

You were right, I was fooled. It hurts

[metrogirl]

You were right, I was fooled. It hurts

 

what happened?

[username11one]

she still hasnt spoken to me. she has a profile picture on her facebook now of her and this guy J kissing.

 

 

I've tried but i'm just not happy any more, I was willing to wait for her but this questions everything I thought I knew about her. I want it to be over and I want to date other girls. Older girls. My age or older, thats for sure.

 

I am a loyal person and I don't think I could do this until things have finally been put to rest between us.

 

She still isn't coming online or anything though, I could get credit and text her I guess. I'd tell her that she did the wrong thing by not telling me its over or she has someone else she likes but I'd tell her that its okay, she is young and I forgive her. I'd ask her if she wanted to be friends.

 

 

I keep thinking though, if in a few years time we're both single again then we could get back together. She would be more mature then. I don't know, its a big if. I could be really happy with a girl I date from now until then, and I would never give that up. If thats the case, then its her fault right? I was willing to wait and love her now, but she cheated on me and now she's lost me. She'd be lucky to get me back, it would be nothing short of a miracle if we got back together, really.

 

I feel like I really need a girl right now, I need someone to hold. Is this a rebound thing? I have a girl in mind actually who goes to my Uni. I don't know her, we only spoke once and it was a few months back. She's a friend of a friend, but she seemed really nice. My friend hinted that she was into me.

[username11one]

Guys I think I really need closure before I move on. I wanted to speak to her but I don't think that's going to happen. Should I just send her an email about it?

[bri427]

waiting is never fair. u need to live life for YOU at this point. ive been in ure postion many times...hoping its jus a phase and the person i once knew will come back and things will be right again. it was never that black n white though. time only changes the person more. people change, things change. the only thing u can do at this point is like u said "be true to ureself". this all is very hard. but it gets easier trust me. best case scenario she will come bak around and fix her end of this. but if until then, u deserve better. it wont always be this bad.