What are the inbetween steps?

[Sorrento]

I guess this is just a bit of a rant. My problem seems to be I am so far from where i want to be in life. I can vividly imagine where I want to be, what I want to do etc. But I cannot see the steps between where I am now and where I so want to be.

 

I broke it all down, wrote out where I was, where I wanted to be, and identified a few steps to getting me there. But I just feel like now I've started on these steps, I am still so far from what i want that I feel lost. The best way i can explain this is that i feel I am living a pretend life, and that at some point I will "wake up" and be where I want to be. I logically know that this is impossible, and that I have a lot of work ahead of me.

 

I'm scared I've left it too late to REALLY change (I will be 25 in a couple of months - not old, but not just starting out). I'm scared that my targets and goals are unreachable. I'm scared that every single area of my life is not where I want it to be, and that there is just so much work ahead of me.

 

Examples would be -

 

I am in a job that I intensely dislike right now. I have been in it for 3+ years having flitted from job to job since I left school. I've indetified what I want to do - taken the relevant studies and I know I want to set up alone. But the steps from qualifying to acheiving a successful business are a mystery to me.

 

I am single and I very very rarely meet someone I connect with. I recently lost who I thought (still kinda do) was my soulmate and am in a weird limbo-land of talking/not talking to him. I have expanded my activities and social groups, but nothing is working to find that special someone.

 

I am currently living back at home with my parents. This makes me feel very low, very controlled and also a little ashamed. The trouble is, I don't know what steps to take. The money I earn currently doesn't allow me to be able to consider renting. And I'm concerned that the only reason I think of renting over buying anyway is because somewhere in my head I'm thinking "rent for now, when you meet the One, you and he can buy together". Buying alone is way out of my bracket.

 

I have been friends with my school friends forever. The group dynamic is very cliquey and it's hard to itroduce new people in, so I feel that my social circle (mostly filled with girls about to get married, live with partners and/or have babies) is dwindling down and I feel stifled by it all.

 

Sorry. Long post. Thanks for reading. If anyone has any advice I'd be very grateful. Just an outsiders perspective as I feel like I'm drowning!

[Kitz]

Ohhhh girl I know how you feel!! But it is NEVER too late to "really change". You've said what you're unhappy with at the moment, but you never said what your "ideal situation" (or whatever it is you're striving for), actually is? Perhaps people could give more advice if we knew what your ideal situation would be.

 

When you said "The best way i can explain this is that i feel I am living a pretend life, and that at some point I will "wake up" and be where I want to be. I logically know that this is impossible, and that I have a lot of work ahead of me." it made me think... Have you ever heard of "The power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle? I think you could benefit from reading it, allthough it wouldn't give you the answers as to how to get where you want to be, it helps you to be present in the current moment and I found that helpful.

I really can't describe it, unfortunately i'm pretty bad with words but I know what you mean by how you have an idea of how you want your life to be, but thats not the way it is and you feel like one day you're going to "wake up" and be there so to speak... but i've found that even when I got to be where I had previously thought should be making me happy, I'd still was always be striving towards something in the "future" and what that book helped me realise was that you'll never reach the future.. the time is always NOW and thats the only time that you can change or do anything.

I don't know, it just changes your outlook on life... it was invaluable to me. Some of its a bit mumbo jumbo but you take what you want from it.

 

Instead of introducing new people into your social group, why don't you introduce yourself into others? Thats the best way of meeting someone new, i'd say - through friends... and if you can find someone to rent with, im sure that would make you feel alot more independent and better off than living with your parents.

[Sorrento]

Thank you Kitz, I'm definitely going to look up that book. Where I think I should be at the moment is

 

1. A little closer to my dream. I recently sat all my exams for holistic massage (and I have listed out more courses I need to take). The ideal for me would be to start working at this part time alongside a steady job and go from there. This step seems to be the hardest to do though, but I am working on it.

 

2. I feel that as a single girl, I should be at least dating a little/lot, if not interested in someone. My trouble here stems from not many people really "getting" me. I have no trouble getting attention, it's converting that attention into something meaningful (with someone I like, obviously, which is another problem). I have tried being introduced via mutual friends, online dating, going out to parties and bars, all of which seem to be dead ends. The only person so far who has accepted me for me happens to be in a relationship with someone else (he was my best friend, we now don't speak because of our feelings and his reltaionship) and I miss that connection terribly.

 

3. I desperately want my own space. I feel I am trapping myself in the comfort of my parents home (no responsibilities - it's safe there etc) but short of starting to earn almost double what I do now, that won't be happening. I'd really like to be in my own place - a space that I don't share, so that puts me off sharing a flat etc. I don't want to go from my parents place (where I'm unhappy) to a situation that I could possibly be even more unhappy. I need to step out alone, if that makes sense?

 

4. I want to be surrounded by people who I like and who like me. I feel that my current friendships aren't enough for various reasons (different paths and lifestyles now) and would dearly love to widen my circles drastically, without making my current friends upset with me.

 

I appreciate that i am perhaps having a bit of a tantrum at the moment and wanting everything asap. But I figure, if I have felt like this for almost a year now, on and off, when will I finally do anything about any of it if I don't start investigating ways forward now?

[Alabama]

There really is no easy answer to this question. All we can do I suppose is be patient and just keep plugging away until we get where we want to be. There is no "in between" steps I think. There is a point A to B. And how we get there (and how long it takes) depends on us. It will take time for you to save up money for an apartment to rent. Also what about an online dating site?

[Kitz]

I think it might help to look at the positives. You are in a good position, really - it sounds as though you are working at the moment? So while you're not making enough money to live on your own, at least you allready have a job. (And i've been told OVER and OVER its easier to find more work when you allready have a job. Unfortunately in my own experience this hasn't been true, but this is because once I find a job I become lazy and happy to stick with it, and don't go actively looking for anything else.)

 

You're also smart, you've realised that you can't just sit there and wait for your dream life to fall into your lap - and so you've made a plan of how to get there and have allready taken a few courses. You're being proactive and actually doing something about your situation! So many people would mope and not know where to even begin. You have allready begun.

 

And allthough it sucks having to live with your parents (i'm doing it now too while I try to get my head around things, so I feel for you), at least you have parents who'll support you and put a roof over your head. I don't know if you're paying rent or not, but it might be a good time to take advantage of the cheap living and save anything, if you can. At any rate to move out you're going to need savings; Bond, first months rent upfront, furniture, etc. Don't let it all swamp you down, just keep reminding yourself this is only temporary now, they're helping you set yourself up for the future.

 

Someone said to me "I realize now that at the time I felt as though my fiancee was the only one who understood me, because she was the only one who I let understand me." Something to think about. But unfortunately I think thats one thing people can't really give advice on... all I can say is keep your eyes open for opportunities. lol.

 

So, during the last courses you took, did you make any new friends? Do you have enough experience to start working in massage or is there anything else left to do? I think if you took the other courses, that would be good because it would provide you with an opportunity to meet more like-minded people, and then once you've gotten enough experience to be employed at that part time, you could begin to work at that alongside your current job. Hopefully this would give you enough money to move out on your own? And then, hopefully it'll be easier for you to meet someone new because you'll have your own space to bring them to... it'll be easier to have friends over and things aswell.. I don't know, you've probably got your own steps figured out, but I just think it seems as though you are in a good position right now, and you're smart, and you know what you want and have started taking the steps to get there. I wish you luck

 

(ps, joys of living at home: my little brother (who can't read yet, btw) has been chatting to me as i've been writing this, and would like me to "please send this picture to you". so here you go lol:

[Sorrento]

Alabama - thank you. Yeah, it's kinda one of those posts that the OP does really know what they're asking. I think that's why I struggle with all this so much. I have tried online dating, but every person on there just seemed to either be completely weird or only after one thing. I accept that some people have to be nice on there, but at the moment I'm not really up for searching through the rubbish to find the good ones. But it's something I will consider again (once I've got the energy!)

 

Kitz - thank you again. Your post makes a lot of sense to me. It's interesting about letting people understand me. I am told constantly that I am impossible to read, difficult etc. It's not a conscious choice, so I probably should figure out why exactly I do this and try and change it. The courses, I did make a couple of new friends, and we are in touch, we just happen to live really far apart. But I am hopeful that I will get to meet others who are close by.

 

On a positive note, I heard back from a salon about a part time position that i could fit around my day job (self employed, paying a rental fee for the room) and I can start as soon as my certificates come through. So very happy about that!

 

I guess I will get there in the end. Maybe I should be a little more patient...! And keep up with the self motivation (something that i struggle with a lot), otherwise I'll end up treading water again.

 

PS. Thanks for the picture - I do love coffee!

[sweety74]

Okay, well if this helps you feel any better I am 36 and my life is very far from what I wanted it to be too!!! But now Im married with kids which makes it harder to do some of the things Ive always wanted to do and I regret not taking the plunge when I was younger and doing some travel, study etc.!

 

Ive decided its time to change things and start making my life better. I have realised that I can't make everything I want happen right now but I can do SMALL things at a time to work my way towards my goals. It makes me feel good to know what I want to do and how Im going to get there even if it is going to take a long time.

Sounds like you are thinking that way by taking up courses to improve your chances of changing jobs.

If you can't afford renting by yourself have you considered having flatmates - that will improve you social predicament too?

[Sorrento]

Hey - thanks for your response. I guess I'm quite hung up on the whole "I'm single" thing, so maybe flatmates would be a good thing. The trouble is, I really feel like I want my own space at the same time? Jeez - I'm so difficult!

 

It's good that you've identified what it is you want - I feel much better than I did when i had no clue what i wanted! It's little baby steps, right? We'll get there in the end.

 

Out of curiosity, did you realise you hadn't doen what you wanted to do before or after you got married and had children?