Am I Blowing this Out of Proportion - Its Annoying

[soporcogitavi]

I posted about this once already, but there are some developments her. Here's the original:

 

 

 

Here's a rundown. I have an amazing relationship with my girlfriend, we've been together for 4 months, we live together. I'd like to think our relationship is honest and open, we are compatible on all levels. 2 sturdays ago, she told me she saw a guy she dated at the mall where she works, he was there with his girlfriend. Apparently he saw her, but she looked away and went on her way. When she got home she told me this, and i was glad she was so forthcoming. She apparently broke off communication when they were dating because she thought he a bs'er and she didnt see herself with him. She told me how happy she was with me, that its amazing, and shes very appreciative of our relationship.

 

Now tuesday comes along, and we share the same computer, my girlfriend sometimes leaves herself on facebook open, I went on the computer and I saw that she had searched him on facebook and looked at some pics of him, his GF and some friends. I got a little weirded out, but I assume this is harmless. Then I noticed she check again on Thursday.

 

On friday a conversation came up on some of the people we had dated, and that guy came up, she told "remember how I told you I saw that guy I dated on Saturday, well I had another confirmation this week that he was a liar, he told me he didnt have a facebook, and I saw this week through a friend that that he has a facebook account", once again i was happy she told me this info.

 

Then I noticed she checked him up again yesterday (after we had amaxing weekend together). So 3 times in total, they're not friends on facebook, do not talk whatsoever, have no contact. I dont understand why she has checked on him 3 times, she cant even look at his profile the only thing you can look at are his pics.

 

She has given me her facebook password before, but I dont really feel the need to check.

 

Is this behavior normal, checking 3 times? is that a little much?

[Nerdyjock]

She is being perfectly honest. Looking at his profile on facebook and not initiating contact is fine. Here is the thing with the cyber world: it is giving partners in a relationship a teeny bit of info from which they sometimes distort.

 

Basically, let's say your GF thought when she saw her ex how much she missed him, but quickly thought how awesome you were and how much she knows how lame her relationship with ex-guy was now that she has you. Back in the day, she could have thought this weekly her entire life and you'd never know. But now being able to check cyber history, you're getting a fraction of the picture and letting it get carried away in your mind.

 

As long as she continues to be honest, respect her and don't let your imagination run wild

[Cognitive_Canine]

She is being completely honest, you should try to be more honest with her.

 

Tell her you noticed that she was checking more and was wondering what's bothering her.

[soporcogitavi]

She is being completely honest, you should try to be more honest with her.

 

Tell her you noticed that she was checking more and was wondering what's bothering her.

 

im not sure I understand what you mean, how can I even bring this up without looking like I dont trust her or that im snooping?

[Cognitive_Canine]

She left her facebook and you plainly saw that she was searching him. I don't consider that snooping. She told you that she has been looking at his page.

 

I'd ask her why him having a page bothers her and what she's looking for.

 

Of course, I'd say this in a completely neutral and non accusatory way. She probably isn't doing anything wrong. This is just to make you feel better.

[soporcogitavi]

She left her facebook and you plainly saw that she was searching him. I don't consider that snooping. She told you that she has been looking at his page.

 

I'd ask her why him having a page bothers her and what she's looking for.

 

Of course, I'd say this in a completely neutral and non accusatory way. She probably isn't doing anything wrong. This is just to make you feel better.

 

She only told me the first time she looked at his page 2 days after, the other times I saw through the browsing history.

[Nerdyjock]

Here's the thing. You don't HAVE to tell her you were checking out her FB... but you are getting honesty from her and it still isn't enough, yet she is going along trusting you and that you are honest with your feelings, when you aren't. If you step back from a 3rd perspective, isn't that backwards?

 

Do you feel guilty for snooping? Whenever someone is hiding something (like you checking her FB), they tend to think their partner is (or could be) hiding something too, because hey, if you're "getting away with it" surely they could too, right?

 

Just be honest with her. I can't tell you how important honesty is to me, and it sounds like to her too. If she told you about this guy who she really didn't even HAVE to, then she values honesty and would appreciate the same I would think.

[soporcogitavi]

Here's the thing. You don't HAVE to tell her you were checking out her FB... but you are getting honesty from her and it still isn't enough, yet she is going along trusting you and that you are honest with your feelings, when you aren't. If you step back from a 3rd perspective, isn't that backwards?

 

Do you feel guilty for snooping? Whenever someone is hiding something (like you checking her FB), they tend to think their partner is (or could be) hiding something too, because hey, if you're "getting away with it" surely they could too, right?

 

Just be honest with her. I can't tell you how important honesty is to me, and it sounds like to her too. If she told you about this guy who she really didn't even HAVE to, then she values honesty and would appreciate the same I would think.

 

 

I dont think she's being unfaithful, I guess mostly im wondering if she's having regrets not being with him, perhaps maybe now that he has a gf she's thinking twice about her decision.

[Nerdyjock]

I can see how that conclusion could be entertained. But... and you don't have to answer this here... is there other reasons you're insecure here? For a lot of people, her honesty would BOOST their security about her feelings for her ex. Meaning, it would make them less likely to question.

 

Even if it's just a curiosity if she is having 2nd thoughts: she is allowed to wrestle in her mind with that. Again, what if you could read her thoughts and you heard her say "Did I do the right thing? yes, I did." Would you keep focusing on the first part and not the 2nd?

 

Look, look at the big picture here. Imagine yourself with a girl (not even her, just think generic for a moment). Imagine you're together for 20 years. Do you believe that there won't be times where she assesses her happiness in the relationship?

 

It's ok if she does. Relationships are a choice...and if nothing else, this "fear" helps people keep on being good boyfriends and girlfriends. If we really thought that our bf/gf had no other choice and there is no way they would ever leave us, we would probably not be as good of a bf/gf. Don't take that to the extreme- i don't think we shoud be with someone just because they are desirable. I just mean, there will always be people in this life that she may find attractive (be it her current ex or some hot guy she runs into at the mall). Either way, if you are an honest, caring, good boyfriend, what reason does she have to go to some other guy?

 

Living in fear of the "what ifs" is not healthy. All you can do is make decisions with your thoughts and the things she tells you.

[alli]

I don't even see how you can count the number of times someone has visited a person's facebook page?

 

Instead of making this into something it isn't, why don't you just stop snooping? Who doesn't check on their ex's profiles, really? I do, and I certainly do not like them or wish to get back together with them. I just get curious where they are at in life, but not curioius enough to actually call & ask them or something. Hey, if it's their for public view it's fair game. She tells you more than most people would. It is nothing until it becomes something more, so drop it. You are making yourself worry for no reason.

[geekgirl4]

Her behavior is definitely not one of someone's who's hiding something. She was open with you in what she was doing. If she wanted to hide what she was doing, she definitely wouldn't have left her facebook out for anybody to see - this means she doesn't think there's anything wrong. And there's not. She might reminisce a little but I definitely don't think she misses her ex like that. Don't worry so much. Open honesty is a great trait and one that bodes good things.