Simply confused

[hurtin]

My girlfriend (age 24) and I (27) have been going out for almost 3

years, and it has been nothing short of a SPECTACULAR relationship. About a year ago, we agreed to live together. We spent a great deal of time looking and finally settled on a beutiful place by the water. At this point, everything was still going great. She was finishing up her degree in a differnet city, but she continously sent care packages, made surprise visits etc. However, when she returned and we started moving stuff in, I noticed that something was 'different' about her. When I approaced her about it, she always claimed that nothing was wrong. Well, 3 months later she told me she was no longer in love with me...and just like that we are no longer together. I can't bring myself to believe that she no longer loves me since up until moving some stuff into our new place, she continously told me how much she loved me and that she couldn't wait to get back with me. Is it possible that she could simply freak out about the idea of living together?? I am prepared to do whatever it takes to make this work out (not move in together, take a break etc)...any ideas or have I lost the love of my life?

[ang3l2004]

Aww im so sorry that has happened to you,You love her and you have to sit down and talk to her and let her know you are willing to take a break or whatever tell her how you feel then leave it at that,Good luck with everything pm me anytime you need to talk about anything ok Dont pressure her into anything she may be pushed away.

[CarterJonas]

I feel for you, having been in exactly the same situation a while back.

 

What you could do is to send her a letter, email or speak to her if you feel comfortable. Tell her that you are sorry that the relationship has broken down and say that you are still in love with her. Be composed (if you speak to her) and do not plead nor beg. Tell her that she knows where you are if she changes her mind.

 

Appart from the above there is nothing more that you can do. Concerntrate on yourself, go out with friends, meet new people, take up a new hobby..etc.

 

Remember NC, it will definitely help you.

 

If you are meant to be togehter she will come back to you.

[cassiana]

It sounds like panic to me. I work in a school and one girl who had just received a permanent teaching post she had craved turned to me and said ohmygd im going to be stuck here the rest of my life. My reply was no you wont only if you choose to stay. So sometimes wished for security becomes a prison sentence. Its a panicked, am i doing the right thing reaction. Even though it is a great prospect in this modern shiny magazine world theres a bit of us wondering, could we do better, get more.

My solution would also be based on a shiny magazine. Package yourself as something worth persuing, something unattainable, shift expectation and see what happens.

i like to toss in real-life examples because they cheer me up. So heres a true one.

Andy met a girl called vikki, just recently arrived from Russia. She still hadnt acclimatised herself to the local way of thinking and she had a lot of pressure from home for money etc. Andy fell madly for her, but she was less enamoured. Also the cultural differences made her seem alot colder. The relationship was progressing weel enough but immigration threw a spanner in the works. The very very nice, affable Andy offered a solution, marry me. They had been seeing each other a year and though Vikki was fond of him it is unlikely she would have married him at this stage if immigration hadn't kicked in.

They lived together in a nice house and both had good jobs. Andy was one of those pleasant guys, who clearly adored her while her love was'nt as strong. They say the one that loves the least has the power and that was her. He was always thinking of ways to please her, he was very understanding and tolerant.

Anyway Vikki met another man through work and a year after her marriage to Andy she began an affair. Andy was unaware of this. The affair went on for months and Vikki was thinking seriously about leaving Andy. She became cold and snappish with Andy who suspected something was wrong but didn't know what. He tried to pay no heed and ride it through in his own nice way but eventually he had to confront her.

She didn't tell him about the affair but she told him that she was thinking of leaving him.

Then Andy looked at her and said

"Vikki I love you very much but if you don't love me I would rather you packed your thing and go and end things cleanly. I do not want to live with you if you don't love me".

This response shocked her. She expected him to be understanding or beg for a chance to go to counsellors or work it out. She broke off her affair and remained with Andy and they are still together two years later. It was Vikki who told me this story.

 

I know its not the same but I think the psychological aspect is quite similar.

When my ex broke up with me he was shocked at my anger. He said to me that he always saw me as someone with a sunny disposition and he couldn't get over the change in me. Maybe i'm an Andy myself. Maybe theres a bit of Andy in everyone on this forum.

[hurtin]

I would like to thank all the kind people that replied to my posting. Its been 10 days since my GF left, and although I still miss her like mad, I haven't contacted her in any shape or form. Sometimes, I try convincing myself that our relationship simply cannot work if she is not 100% in love with me. That usually follows by me being optimistic that after some time, she will realize that that I'm the one for her (I'm actually quite fabulous) and come back to me. I then proceed go out, see some friends and feel great about the situation. Unfortunatley, sonner or later, I realize that the person I love very much simply does not feel the same towards me. I then become very sad, and contemplate calling either her, her parents or friends (all of whom that, before the breakup, were certain is was a matter of time before we were married). But each time, by some stroke of luck (and this great forum), I manage to supress those actions and go on with the day...one !#@$ second at a time. I am still madly in love with this person, but since my GF ended our 3 year relatonship so abruptly (see my 1rst post), I'm starting to have serious questions about her commitment to me.

 

In any event, I guess I'm not looking for any answers in particular...just a place to bounce thoughts and ideas off people.

 

Thanks in advance for everything.