Hard day

[snoopydog]

Seeing how happy my ex is on facebook just now left me feeling like I had been punched hard in the stomach. A mutual friend informed me earlier today she hasn't been dating because the ex still has strong feelings for me, so I cautiously paid her facebook a visit to see what's up in the land of ex, and it's all about how amazing her new life is abroad and how she absolutely loves it (she's gone there for 3 months, maybe more) and how she is so happy planning her future there.

 

I'm at the point now a few months down the line where I find happiness and satisfaction in my daily life and I've built up a new sense of purpose and have my own goals I am striving towards but even so, seeing how happy she sounds and LOOKS felt like a knife twisted into my heart when I still miss her so, so much and think about her everyday.

 

The only good thing is that I have zero urge to break no contact.

 

I wish I had the willpower never to go back onto that page again.

[GenoGeno]

Delete her facebook man, I just finally got enough power to do it after 5 months and honestly. It feels great to do after about the first day.

[Eddie37]

Ditto to what Geno said. It's over...o...v...e...r. She's not your friend...delete her.

[snoopydog]

It's the only thing I've got left of her.

[Nerdyjock]

It's about taking the steps needed to heal completely. You may not want to now and that's fine, but if you keep thinking about her, it may become something you want to do later.

 

BTW, according to NC on these forums we use, visiting FB is still breaking contact if I'm not mistaken. The NC thread states "no visitng picture sites of theirs". Of course these are silly rules and you can do whatever you please...but keep in mind that if you are going for the challenge, facebook and other social networking still make it harder to let go, just like contacting via email or text.

[GenoGeno]

But do you actually want to feel better or not? Why hang onto something if it's not working in your favour. Delete her, she knows your number and how to contact you if she has a change of heart.

[Live-N-Learn]

You are doing yourself a great disservice by having access to her stupid FB. As Geno and I have both learned the hard way...not deleting and blocking them will cause you tremendous pain and will slow down if not halt your healing. It took me 5 months to delete my ex.

 

Wait til the day you look and see her with another guy...you think you feel bad now? Besides FB is a fake life. You want to see the real her, ask her to post pictures of her doing laundry and and taking out the trash...

[GenoGeno]

It's true, I didn't have enough power not to look at her page all the time. I'd always sneak and look at it and that right there is a sign of me not having moved on. I'd see new pictures up of her where she looks amazing and just get so hurt inside. So five months down just like Live-N-Learn I decided man...it's absolutely going to rip me in two when I see that she's in a relationship and didn't wanna do that to myself. Deleting her off facebook is probably the best thing I could have done and i didn't see it before.

[iBroken]

It's the only thing I've got left of her.

 

Um, you guys are broken up, she is planning her future away from you, and you guys dont talk as friends. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you dont have anything left of her...even if you have some cyber "friendship"

 

DELETE HER!

 

There are other ways for her to contact you. And deleting her isnt permanent? If you guys become friends or lovers again, just send a new friend request!

 

What is with people and their fear on facebook?

[GenoGeno]

Well coming from me...someone who did not want to delete my ex at all...It comes from loving the person still I guess. I saw facebook as my last means of communication with her and also i saw it as if i deleted her she may take it the wrong way. But really, who cares. You do this for you and you only.

[Live-N-Learn]

Additionally, not deleting them shows them you are weak and holding on...be a man and DELETE HER!!! Keep your self respect. I wish I would have right away after the breakup, big mistake.

 

Like us...it may take you going through what Geno and I went through to figure it out on your own. Good luck

[GenoGeno]

Yeah i wish i had deleted her right off the bat as well.

[snoopydog]

Until I see her dating someone else I feel unable to let her completely go. I know you are all right and I am hurting myself in the long run. I'm an idiot.

[iBroken]

Yup - Im not sure why you want to torture yourself by waiting to see she is in a relationship before deleting her

[Live-N-Learn]

Like my long in name...Live N Learn...

[snoopydog]

Thank you for words all. I am retiring to sleep. Though I am in a lot of pain right now I know this will pass, like it always does. I have many things in my life to be grateful for.

 

Goodnight all.

[odile]

snoopydog, I'm gonna be the one opposing voice here and say this:

 

You haven't contacted her, and you looked at her page ONCE.

It sucked, but can you keep from doing it again until you feel better?

Do you think you would want to be friends with her (even if one of you were dating someone else)?

If you think you may be able to be friends on down the line, just leave her.

 

Of course, if you really have no self control, and it pains you to see her in your fb friends-list, then go on,

delete her.

 

But contrary to this:

 

Additionally, not deleting them shows them you are weak and holding on...be a man and DELETE HER!!! Keep your self respect.

 

It seems to me that all that not-deleting says is that you bear no ill-will.

 

You're not messaging nor posting, right?

 

Now, if you do make the effort to delete someone from, it sends one of two messages:

 

1. 'I never really cared about you as a friend.'

 

This message is especially potent if you are the type who will add nearly any friendly acquaintance to your facebook, because you are then effectively 'saying':

 

'even though I acted as though I cared about you, the reality is that I like you less

than I do that one kid who I met at summer camp when I was a kid but hadn't even talked to until he found me on facebook last year... or that that colleague that I barely like but tolerate keeping as a facebook friend, or ....well, you get the idea.

 

Anyway, it's a pretty harsh 'message' to send someone you supposedly had romantic feelings for.

 

and/or

 

2. 'Having you in my life at all-- even if only virtually on my facebook page-- is just more than I can bear.

maybe I have no self-control, and am compelled to click on your page so often, that deleting you is the only thing that will keep me from compulsively checking on you.... but ...even if I weren't to peek, I just know that

I am just not over you AT ALL, and am so heartbroken that I can not see getting past this heartbreak unless I wipe you out of my life right now.'

 

Which is fine, if you're okay letting her know that you are deeply vulnerable, and/or

may not ever want to speak with her again.

And a lot of people do feel this way after a breakup.

(BTW-- If it's a temporary need for space, so that you can possibly be friends later on down the line,

it would behoove you to make sure she's aware of why you decided to go NC.)

 

Point is, if you delete her, be aware that doing so does send a 'message'-- and

that message is not "I'm totally over you"-- but the opposite.

(The one exception being if you are the kind of person who has very few facebook contacts because you reserve facebook for only your nearest and dearest friends)

 

And these are fine 'messages' to send, if that's how you feel.

But just be aware of how she may interpret them, and don't do it unless you're okay with that.

[Hell_On_Heels]

I know how you feel about it being the only part of her you have left. After I mmoved out of our house, I felt like seeing my ex husband on FB was the only way I could keep in touch. It felt really wrong to be married and yet not be in his life at all...

 

But, it hit me one day that I'm not in his life at all. Every time I looked at his page, I'd analyze and wonder for days. I'd feel miserable. Of course, I was already so miserable that I couldn't tell what was from the breakup and what was being added by me looking at his page.

 

I blocked him. And I'm really glad I did. I obviously can't see what he's up to, and he can't see what I'm up to. That's fair. And it left me free to deal with the pain of the breakup. I wasn't adding new pain all the time.

 

I had a harder time on the dating website we both used (and we met on years ago). I finally just hid my profile and decided to quit dating. It's easier than seeing him on there. When I decide to date again, I'll use another site.

 

You've just made yourself hurt and feel bad. I totally get it. When you're ready, you'll be able to stop looking at her page. You don't need to see her actually dating. You know it's inevitable. We all know this. But - it's inevitable for us, too.

[Live-N-Learn]

Odile,

 

I can only speak for myself. As for being friends someday, no thanks. We did not start out as friends and we are not going to end as friends. If some day I chose to be friends with her, I am sure deleting her from FB is not going to be the determining factor as if she will want it with me or not.

 

I chose to delete her 4 months after the breakup and 7 weeks into NC because she posted a picture of us as her profile pic. Not cool...I was offended and did what I felt was best for me. She was not asking to get back together and I felt it was very insensitive and selfish.

[odile]

I chose to delete her 4 months after the breakup and 7 weeks into NC because she posted a picture of us as her profile pic. Not cool...I was offended and did what I felt was best for me. She was not asking to get back together and I felt it was very insensitive and selfish.

 

That is a perfectly understandable reason.

Why she did that, I can't even imagine.

In your case, deleting her does sound like it was the right thing to do,

seeing that she was essentially putting effort into being disrespectful of your feelings!

 

(edit: just to be clear, it doesn't sound like she was intentionally trying to be disrespectful, but wow, how thoughtless and inconsiderate of her!)

[snoopydog]

Odile, the truth is I couldn't just be friends with her, or at least I cannot imagine getting to that point.

[OneBrightStar]

Hey Snoopy, I completely understand where you're coming from.

 

I'm weak when it comes to Facebook and I know that I'll be tempted, so instead of just deactivating my account (which I could reactivate just by signing in, anyway), I went so far as to block the website so I can't even access it.

 

It really helps.

[snoopydog]

That's an interesting idea, I didn't know that you could block websites. I should look that up on google.

[OneBrightStar]

If you have Windows XP or earlier, you can block it using the HOSTS file. I had to download something to block it for Windows 7 but it worked!

 

It's really helped me too ... I used to waste time on Facebook and now I can't.

[Wildflower88]

Lookin at her page it will tear you apart. Im serious. Don't look- dont go looking for things that you dont want to find. I planed on payin my ex's page a visit, and guess what when I searched his name a beautiful pictuer of him and his new girlfriend was his main pic,I couldn't even bring myself to click on his name. Just the image was burned into my head and it hurt so badly. You have to be good to your heart, your the one who is in charge of it. Treat yourself better than that.. don't hurt yourself on her account.