Just had my engagement broken

[mackbaz]

Sorry I posted this as a reply somewhere else, but realized it was 3 years old.

 

We're both 21 (together for 4 years) and getting ready to finish school. We dated since our junior year in high school. For so long she was telling me we need to get married sending pictures of rings and such. I knew she was excited and so was I, but I gave it a year to think about whether she was really the one. I decided she really was. We did so much together and never had any issues. We both told each other we were perfect... and I mean all the time. She let me know we were going to love each other forever and die together. Pretty strong feelings if you ask me.

 

I proposed to her last march and she broke down with tears and said yes. She's been happy ever since, and in fact even a little pushy about some of the wedding plans. I didn't mind I was glad to have her as excited as I was.

 

So summer comes and we have to leave each other. It was such a sad departure. I have an internship and had to move for it. 2 months in and I have been visiting every week or two and we have great times each time. The day after the last visit she calls me and breaks off the engagement. She CALLS.... I was super devastated and still am. I had no idea it was coming. No signs. In fact... I thought things were growing because we saw how much we missed each other each time I would make a visit.

 

I've been going to church to pray every day, talked to all kinds of people, started playing the piano, and spending plenty of time with my friends. It all helps but everything still relates. I still know she's the one for me.

 

She says she doesn't know who she is, that all she knows is us together and not herself. As someone ready to get married I don't quite understand but I respect the decision. But she also said she doesn't love me like she used to. Said I was more of a "really good friend." This hurt more than anything... and I don't know if I can ever accept that answer.

 

I guess my main question is whether things can come back together. I would do anything to get back, but I know this is up to her now. Does she really not love me or is this something to give me a wall to sit behind while she figures things out? I appreciate any comments. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life.

 

I also want to mention that we have mutually agreed to not communicate for a while.. no designated time, but until whenever it felt right. I know this is the best thing, but its so tough. Its been about a month (i know not that long), and my feelings remain 100 percent the same for her. She's everything I was ever looking for. I can't see how I would ever be able to be with someone else without comparing them to her. Sorry for the rant, but I am just so lost. I've done nothing and have to go through with what feels like hell on the inside.

[konstantine]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. It has to be really hard.

 

Over the past month, you have not communicated at all? After a month, I would want to contact her and have a discussion about what she is feeling now. Maybe she realized she still loves you, but maybe she realized that her feelings were correct and she sees you only as a friend now.

 

I think in a lot of these situations, it is best to give the person some space to breathe and think. But a month seems like enough time to me. I would get in contact with her and see how receptive she is to you. But at the same time, start preparing yourself for it to be over for good. Prepare to move on after you talk to her. Sometimes people just fall out of love, and it's sad, but when that happens you have to move on and love yourself and find someone else who won't fall out of love with you.

[mackbaz]

Well to be completely honest as much as I want to be back together, seeing or speaking with her now still feels premature; Like it would be trying to mend something that isn't ready. I don't want to hurt so much again. It hurt so bad when we did meet after the call, and she looked me in the eyes and said I was a friend. Seemed like she was really calling it quits there.

 

What really confuses me is she said she's not saying we won't ever get back together and she even mentioned that we may still get married some day.

 

She's in a beauty pageant coming up in the town I am in, in 2 weeks (her mom told me I should go). Like I said before I would love to see her, give her a kiss and a hug and go back to the way things were, but I know that won't happen so soon. I've decided to not go to save the torture.

 

I'm just swimming in this sea of confusion right now. The only thing I am sure of is that she has to be the one that wants to get back together. If anyone has any other suggestions let me know.. I'm mentally stable right now because of all the things I have involved myself right now, but the hurt is still there just the same as it was on day 1.

[SheBrokeMe]

She cheated on you before she broke it off and now wants to explore other options before getting tied down. If your willing to let her gain a little experience then come back months..? years..? down the road. Then maybe you could still make it work. Depends if you can forgive her or not.

[mackbaz]

why would you say she cheated on me? thats a big assumption... and honestly I don't think she is that type of person. We are both very religious and always let each other know that cheating... divorce...etc was unacceptable.

[lostnscared]

She cheated on you before she broke it off and now wants to explore other options before getting tied down. If your willing to let her gain a little experience then come back months..? years..? down the road. Then maybe you could still make it work. Depends if you can forgive her or not.

 

That's a big assumption... How do YOU know that she cheated on him? It could just be a case of her feeling as if the relationship was becoming too much for her that things were happening so fast and she wasn't quite prepared for the next step--marriage.

 

Believe it or not a lot of young woman go through this. I think it happens between the ages of 21-25 where a woman all of the sudden has this STRONG desire to find out who she "is". It's a part of growing up. I'm going through the same thing. I'm 23 btw and I was with my bf since I was 17. I never got to just "grow" as a person without him, so now that we're on our break I'm taking that time to get to know myself and to move forward and heal. Not to mention my feelings for him were changing--now looking back on it, I suppose my feelings changed because I was changing and didn't know how to express it.

 

I suspect the same thing may be going on with her. But I could be wrong.

[SheBrokeMe]

Dont get me wrong.. It may not have been physical. But things like this generally come around because of some sort of intimate attachment to another guy. That is generally what causes a chance in perspective. "Wow.. What if I could be happier with grass is greener on the other side man?"

 

 

If she needed to find herself, and needed to cut you out of her life totally for a month. I would strongly suspect...

 

But I could be totally wrong.

[mackbaz]

jeez you sound just like what she was saying to me... except the "I don't love you like I used to." Though just the weekend before she told me that she "would love me forever"

 

What does this sound like to you? I mean we already had names for our kids (didn't want them for a few years obviously) but she chose one and I did too.. This was serious.

 

So what does she mean by I don't love you like i used to in conjunction with "I just need to find myself." Especially when she says getting back together and even married isn't out of the question... Is this just a way to keep me from trying while she figures herself out?

[mackbaz]

Dont get me wrong.. It may not have been physical. But things like this generally come around because of some sort of intimate attachment to another guy. That is generally what causes a chance in perspective. "Wow.. What if I could be happier with grass is greener on the other side man?"

 

 

If she needed to find herself, and needed to cut you out of her life totally for a month. I would strongly suspect...

 

But I could be totally wrong.

 

 

I definitely think that may have crossed her mind... as did mine many times.. "What would it be like with that girl?" Of course then I remind myself of how awesome she was and that those feelings were just of lust. Thats not cheating... its human.

[lostnscared]

jeez you sound just like what she was saying to me... except the "I don't love you like I used to." Though just the weekend before she told me that she "would love me forever"

 

What does this sound like to you? I mean we already had names for our kids (didn't want them for a few years obviously) but she chose one and I did too.. This was serious.

 

So what does she mean by I don't love you like i used to in conjunction with "I just need to find myself." Especially when she says getting back together and even married isn't out of the question... Is this just a way to keep me from trying while she figures herself out?

 

As people get older, their needs and wants change. Things that were acceptable and okay at one point may not be anymore. Or needs that they may not have had when they first met you, may be more apparent later on. This was the case in my relationship with my ex. When I first met him I was 17, my needs were a lot different back then. I didn't "need" much or "want" much because I was young and blindly in love. As I got older, developed a stronger sense of myself and identified what I wanted and needed, I did at times feel as if he wasn't giving me *everything* I needed and the relationships was missing things that I *wanted*. This led me to feel differently from him, not as strongly and as blindly in love. I suspect this may be what happened with her. She may have just woke up one morning and realized that her feelings for you were not the same as they once were. That something had changed--that she had changed.

And now she may just need time for clarity and to really figure out what direction she wants to go in. And yes giving her plenty of space is great. But on the same hand you don't want to wait forever. I would give it a few months and then if she still doesn't know, it's time to move on.

 

And I think her comment about your future-is that she isn't sure what she wants to do, but is still very much open to being with you and even marriage but she just wants to make sure it's what she wants before making the plunge(that's what I take from it).

[Carry On]

I'm right there with you mackbaz. I dated my ex for 4.5 years (we met freshman year of college), and although we weren't engaged, I was so sure she was "the one." She gave similar reasons for breaking it off with me, and likewise seemed to be torn about the break (she called it a "break" and said she'd contact me in a few months). She told me that she felt doubts, and despite praying to God she still felt them lingering.

 

As you can see, her reasons weren't very concrete, but I draw conclusions similar to lostnscared. The only difference is that I think it is not so much that she has necessarily changed already, but she wonders if she will change. Consider that your ex (like mine) has never really had a chance to live fully independently. She's been dating you since before college and, if she were to marry you now, she would be undertaking a lifelong commitment to you. So, I think that they are unsure, not because they are actively searching for something else, but because they want to head off that doubt early; if they don't live independently for a bit, I'm sure the regret of "what if I had been on my own for awhile?" is inevitable, and I know I would much rather deal with this now than getting a divorce or living in an unhappy marriage down the line.

 

For what it's worth, I think my experience fits squarely under "everything happens for a reason." I feel a lot better about myself now, three months out, and I have realized that our relationship really needed this. That's not to say we will get back together, but I will be a better partner in the future, whether with my ex or someone new.

 

Hang in there.

[jimmajam]

Awesome post. Reps.

 

I feel like this was a big part of my breakup too. My ex was naturally an independent person by nature, which is part of why I loved her. On the other hand it also brought us apart. She wanted to be single, independent, live on her own, do what she wanted when she wanted to do it. I can't blame her. I understand it. We were together since she was younger and needs to experience things.

 

It sucks and the truth is they may never come back, no matter how much you cared for each other.

[mackbaz]

Thanks so much for the posts guys. I'm so glad I found this site. I didn't realize there were others out there like me. Most breakups you hear of are because of arguments, cheating, controlling and such. You guys reassured myself that I'm not just taking the nice guy road that so many question me about; that this isn't necesarily about me, so why should I be upset with her.

 

It still feels awful, to potentially lose the one you love forever, But I can at least rest now, knowing that there's nothing I could have done to prevent this. If she happens to come back in the future I would gladly take her back (granted it wasn't out of pitty from her). But until whatever is supposed to happen in the future, I am going to live my own life; finish school, apply myself fully for the career I want, play the piano, and maybe even meet someone new (I hate to think of that, but I realize its a realty).

 

One other question though. We haven't spoken for 3 weeks- a month( I've not been counting). We agreed not to, and I think its good. But how do I deal with the time I will run into her at church when I go back to school, or seeing her with another guy. This will probably happen in the next month or two. I don't know why, but I feel like she's definitely going to need more than 2 months to figure anything out. I feel like seeing her is just going to bring me back to square one, and I really don't want that

[mackbaz]

This sucks. Its been over a month now and I still feel exactly the same. I want her back so bad, but know I can't do anything to make that happen. I keep having dreams that we are back together.... and then I wake up.

 

I don't understand why such a good relationship needs to go through such agony. Its not fair that she gets to go out and test out her life while I have to pain through it all, telling myself things will be better. I'm wearing this huge fake smile and I hate it.

 

To make matters worse, she is back in town for a pageant she's in and I know I can't see her. It hurts so bad that she's right there and has no desire to come back and see me.

 

How do I cope with this. I've tried going out and meeting with people but it all feels like cover up, I still love her just as much as I ever have.