Reasons for infidelity

[maelstrom]

I'm curious to know what people think about their relationship might have contributed to the cheating.

 

For example, in my case, we had experienced serious loss that affected both of us differently. He wanted to put it behind him, not discuss it, and move on. I became extremely depressed. The relationship degraded, and because we had never developed any good communication skills, was never repaired.

 

Both parties were getting emotional support outside the marriage. In his case he met a woman through work and started a phone call/texting relationship with her (long distance), and this emotional distancing from me probably made the one-night-stand thing he had with a different person easier.

 

In my case my parents moved to the city in which we live and I began spending the majority of time with them. I shared all my personal thoughts and feelings with my mother, and my husband became resentful of our relationship.

 

It seems inevitable to me that a physical infidelity would follow. I'm not at all surprised (once I got a little past the initial hurt and shock, and it still hurts a great deal). In fact one article I read about the reasons for infidelity suggested that the affair could be a wake-up call. It's conceivable to me that my husband, having no clue how to talk to me, would have an affair to send a message to me as a last resort. Either that or I also think it could be what I've read called a bridge affair, which is a way to end the marriage. Because he feels bad for me being depressed, he can't bring himself to end the relationship and leave me while I'm in that state, so he's doing something that would force me to end it. Of course that's very disfunctional, but that's where our marriage has ended up, disfunctionville.

[iBroken]

The cheater is selfish. Thats the contribution.

[Godless_Heathen]

Sometimes it's just about the cheater's self-gratification, but fairly often it's because the relationship has serious problems.

 

In my case, it was financial. My ex wanted a house and kids, and despite being a computer programmer, I wasn't making much money. That was making her very, very unhappy. We'd been married for 5 years, and she was feeling at that point that I'd never get my financial act together. She got a job as a real estate appraiser's assistant, and her boss started showing an interest in her. He was making 3x what I was, and he could offer her now what she felt might never happen with me. She is, near as I can tell, still married to him.

[lostandhurt]

This isn't about you, this is about him and his selfishness. It is that simple. He found it easier to make himself feel better by using someone else than help his wife through a very difficult time in her life. That is running away to a fantasy to escape reality! That is what almost all cheaters do. They lie to everyone, including themselves while planning it and doing it. After they get caught is when the big lies start.

Let me ask you this: How is having sex with someone other that your spouse going to help your marriage or this issue you two were going through? Nothing good comes from betrayal.

 

There are many articles, opinions and justifications thrown about to make cheating mean something or make it less of a bad thing but in the end it is the ultimate betrayal by a very selfish person.

True your marriage has problems and you both have turned away from each other instead of towards each other in this difficult time. Go to link removed and look around. I am sure you will find more answers to help you and your husband get the real truth. There is a place for cheater there as well as the victim of the betrayal.

 

Cheaters simply want to feel better and don't think of anyone else's feelings as long as they get what they think they want.

 

Lost

[maelstrom]

Perhaps I didn't make my question clear. I am not looking to reduce blame or excuse the behavior, I am just wondering what causes in relationship might contribute to cheating. It seems to me that understanding why it happen can help fix the problems or at least make one avoid those problems in the next relationship.

 

In his case I do not believe it is simply a choice of a selfish person to be selfish. I think it was a lonely person without years of any validation seeking something. Yes he should have talked to me about it, yes we should have gone to counseling, there are many better ways this could have been handled. But I can't change that, only try to fix it moving forward.

[HouseKitten]

Bad timing and boredom.

 

Once the sparkle has worn off, sometimes if the right person comes along at the right time and makes you feel special, you can be swayed. Or your partner can. There doesn't always have to be an earth-shattering event that knocks you apart. You just don't do the things you used to, spend as much time together, maybe he never comes to bed at the same time as you anymore etc etc. People get bored, people cheat.

[WriterGuy]

While it's true that my infidelity was furthered by dissatisfaction with the state of our marriage, there is no justification other than the rationalization I invented at the time. It was pure selfishness, manipulating the situation with a "poor, poor me" song to lure an unfortunate soul into bed. I had an obligation to my wife to discuss our problems and, if they were unable to be resolved - and only then - to agree on an exit strategy. Instead, I took the coward's way out, ignoring a longtime partner for the excitement of a new one with no responsibilities. I have done considerable work to make sure I never see that man in my mirror again, as he was a monster of the highest order. I'm in a long-distance relationship now, and am working to resolve a potential "cheating" situation on the other end. (Go ahead and snicker; whether it's karma or irony, I fully understand!)

[lostandhurt]

Read his words carefully. He speaks from a place that is removed from the lies he conjured up to make cheating okay.

 

WriterGuy I commend you for your insight and openess on who and what you once were. It is true that once a cheater always a cheater since we cannot undo what we have done but it doesn't mean we can't learn and grow from our mistakes and try and make up for them. To many times people want so badly to find another reason other than looking in the mirror or accepting what their SO has become.

 

Lost

[WriterGuy]

I appreciate the kind words, but in no way have raised myself to role-model status. I forever will live with the horrors that I visited upon people I loved: the lives nearly destroyed, the friendships lost, the bridges burned and the reputation squandered. Thank God my former wife and I have regained a high degree of civility and mutual respect, even love, perhaps, as it would be unimaginable to have her totally out of my life. We cooperate incredibly well in the upbringing of our son, who remains the best thing we'll ever accomplish - together or separately. And as I watch her happily enter into a new relationship, I can only pray that he treats her far better than I did.

[maelstrom]

Writer, was the affair a one time thing or an ongoing situation? How long did it last? Did you tell your wife or did she find out?

[WriterGuy]

It was ongoing for more than a year, ending only after the other woman told my wife in a phone call prompted by my intent to end the affair. Then began a period of full disclosure and understandable anger, still painful to recall, and a blessed five-year round of counseling and therapy to set us on the road back from rock-bottom. The story is a sad and disgusting one, but I'm truly thankful that my behavior was exposed. While I have a long way to go to be able to stand tall again, I can't even guess where I'd be otherwise.

[srssatellite]

In my opinion, when there's a lack of fulfillment is when one party looks elsewhere and commits infidelity. Whether that fulfillment is emotional, sexual, financial, etc. is dependent on the persons involved. I don't buy into that whole "people cheat only because they get an opportunity" or any of the gender-biased reasons.

 

It truly comes down to when a fulfillment that was once there is no longer there, and when communication has failed to work to bring back that fulfillment, then people begin to find that fulfillment elsewhere. They may never lose any love for their significant other, but still branch out to find that fulfillment.

[WriterGuy]

I certainly don't discount any situational breeding ground for cheating; God knows our marriage had ample catalysts from financial discord to emotional deprivation. The problem is, once one of you strays, you forfeit the valuable discussion of those factors and turn the wayward spouse into the only reason why the union failed.

[redswim30]

IMHO, if a spouse is even considering cheating, the marriage has already failed.

 

I think it does come down to a spouse needing something their partner cannot or has not provided, whether intentional or not.

 

In most cases, I think it boils down to a few things people are unwilling to admit

 

1. The love has died from one or both parties

 

2. One or both spouses have stopped caring or being taken for granted

 

3. One or both spouses have changed and can't admit said change to their spouse

 

4. One or both spouses want a divorce but are afraid to say so

 

IMHO, infidelity is most often just a symptom of one of the above underlying issues. And if one or more of those issues are present the marriage is already dead. It becomes much like blaming one's scalp for hair loss instead of the cancer that caused it to happen in the first place.

[GAP]

But I can't change that, only try to fix it moving forward.

 

Excellent train of thought. My soon to be ex wiife had a non-sexual, emotional affair with a same-sex woman which, despite nine months of everything I could think of trying to 'fix' us, eventually led me into the arms of another woman to supply what I felt I have been robbed of (post divorce filing btw).

 

Did I contribute to my wife's 'need' for this other woman? Sure, that and an abusive childhood that she never properly dealt with. Regardless, I continually think of what I may have done wrong and vow never to repeat it in my new relationship.

[lostandhurt]

Many people say things like "I wasn't getting my needs fulfilled or I wasn't getting this or that from them"

By making your happiness the responsablity of your spouse you are dooming the relationship and it is once again a selfish act. Most cheaters have something missing in their lives but it isn't the spouse's job to fill that emptyness, it is your own to be happy and share that happiness with others. If you are not happy for whatever reason, having sex with someone will never fix that. It just ruins lives and covers up the cheaters problems by using someone new. Selfish once again.........

 

 

Lost

[GAP]

lol lostandhurt, you talk like we're not all selfish to some degree.

[srssatellite]

Many people say things like "I wasn't getting my needs fulfilled or I wasn't getting this or that from them"

By making your happiness the responsablity of your spouse you are dooming the relationship and it is once again a selfish act. Most cheaters have something missing in their lives but it isn't the spouse's job to fill that emptyness, it is your own to be happy and share that happiness with others. If you are not happy for whatever reason, having sex with someone will never fix that. It just ruins lives and covers up the cheaters problems by using someone new. Selfish once again.........

 

 

Lost

Lacking of fulfillment is not necessarily putting the entire responsibility on the significant other. If you have talked about the lack of fulfillment with your significant other, and it leads to fights instead of compromise then it definitely causes a form of distance in the relationship. Then one person gets to know someone else (perhaps someone with experience in a similar situation), gets close to them, begins to get emotionally involved with them because they can relate, and eventually physically involved. So it's not as simple as "having sex with someone else to gain happiness" since it usually builds on qualities that create all relationships.

 

You have to be selfish and selfless, like with give-and-take. You have to care about your needs and ensure that they are met, but at the same time you have to care about your SO's needs and ensure those are met. Problem is, when one is more selfish (taking) while the other is selfless (giving), yet the selfless one wants their turn to be selfish, and it never comes, then it leads to tension, resentment, etc. This, to me, is one of the biggest reasons people cheat.

 

Just from reading on this forum, articles on relationships, known people who have experienced this, and from my own relatively recent experience, this is a pretty common reason for relationship problems, that can, and may, lead to infidelity.

[arcadefire]

I believe the sole reason for someone's infidelity is that he has his cake and eats it too, which is basically being selfish. Also that he can get away with it for as long as he could, simply because his lack of character and morals prevents him from feeling any guilt, be it transferring diseases and such.

 

It is true everyone is selfish to a degree, but to be so selfish as to intentionally hurt others close to you, that's a level of disgust.

[odile]

It was ongoing for more than a year, ending only after the other woman told my wife in a phone call prompted by my intent to end the affair. Then began a period of full disclosure and understandable anger, still painful to recall, and a blessed five-year round of counseling and therapy to set us on the road back from rock-bottom. The story is a sad and disgusting one, but I'm truly thankful that my behavior was exposed. While I have a long way to go to be able to stand tall again, I can't even guess where I'd be otherwise.

 

Out of curiosity:

1) What prompted you to move towards ending the affair (prior to getting outed, I mean)?

Were you planning to work on your marriage, or had the flame simply fizzled out with your lover?

 

(and slightly off-topic, but only just--

this "poor soul" that you lured into an affair-- did you have any deep feelings for them at all, or

did you know from the get-go that it was never going to develop into anything more?

And also, was the person you were having the affair with aware that you were otherwise involved/not looking for anything serious?

 

2) Do you think that if you hadn't been exposed by the phone call that

you would have continued with the pattern of cheating whenever things were rough in your marriage?

 

3) Was it primarily the infidelity that led to the divorce?

[WriterGuy]

1. It was more the former than the latter, but I waited too damned long to do the right thing. The other woman was quite aware; in hindsight, the feelings weren't deep at all, although I kidded myself at the time that I was finding the sustenance that was being "denied" me in marriage. Infidelity blinds you to a lot of realities; you're so focused on fulfilling immediate needs to see the big picture. There's something sociopathic about it, and, to that man I was, I say "Good riddance."

2. With the wisdom that I've gained since those dark days, I can only guess that it would have continued. I easily found that opportunity, and I'm not optimistic that I wouldn't have been similarly and selfishly reckless again.

3. The infidelity became the reason, as it robbed us of the opportunity to talk about those underlying issues that needed to be discussed long before the affair. But, yes, my cheating ultimately and understandably was more than my wife could stomach.

[lostandhurt]

To quote arcadefire:

 

"It is true everyone is selfish to a degree, but to be so selfish as to intentionally hurt others close to you, that's a level of disgust"

 

This is key. Taking the last scoop of icecream when you know someone else wants it is one thing but to put your WANTS in front of the person you supposedly love and means more to you than anything in the world is betrayal to the highest degree.

 

Lost

 

lol lostandhurt, you talk like we're not all selfish to some degree.

[lostandhurt]

It is about choices. You describe how it might happen but you don't describe how it helps the relationship by getting involved with someone else. No good ever comes from this type of thing. You are very correct that it is a give and take and an ebb and flow but the selfishness rears its ugly head when things get tough and one person takes the easy way out and tries to make themselves feel better in the arms of another.

 

Lost

[lostandhurt]

Great points but your gender reference? I know you meant they not just he or him. Your not throwing stones at just us guys are you? lol

 

Lost

 

I believe the sole reason for someone's infidelity is that he has his cake and eats it too, which is basically being selfish. Also that he can get away with it for as long as he could, simply because his lack of character and morals prevents him from feeling any guilt, be it transferring diseases and such.

 

It is true everyone is selfish to a degree, but to be so selfish as to intentionally hurt others close to you, that's a level of disgust.

[maelstrom]

While I understand that to many people, cheating is the absolute end of a relationship, I also am realistic and I think people are just people who can make mistakes. I created this thread because I was looking not for an excuse for cheating but to try and understand the reasons people do it, and how they might have contributed to it (on both ends, the cheater and the cheat-ee).

 

In my case as the cheater, I had no intention of ending the relationship because of the cheating, the cheating was the culmination of a long-term relationship I had with someone I cared a great deal for before I was married. It was a one time thing, never repeated, which I told my husband about.

 

In my husband's case, I believe the breakdown of emothional and physical intimacy in our marriage contributed to his infidelity. Yes he could have stopped it, yes he put himself in the bad situation and let it happen. Yes he made all the classic mistakes of drinking and hiding his marital status while on a business trip. But he didn't tell me about it and in the aftermath of the discovery I found other questionable activities, and he's completely shut down and unwilling to discuss any of it. I'm not suggesting I'm any better than him, because I cheated also and that's wrong, but I feel like I have a chance to fix myself and with his current state I don't see anything changing.

 

Do I think he would cheat again? If we don't fix ourselves and our relationship, I think it will end, so it's a moot point. Would I cheat again? I don't know. I have some serious issues with relationships and intimacy that are coming out in therapy now, and I'm not even talking about in the marriage, these are personal issues I never dealt with. I think it's highly likely if I don't figure out how to fix my issues, I won't be able to achieve the type of intimacy with him (or anyone for that matter) that I am starting to believe is required to make the marriage work.

 

And knowing how he feels about therapy and how closed-off he also is emotionally, there is a distinct possibility that even if I fix my problems, he won't fix his. I wonder if I would, as a healthy personal emotionally, tolerate his emotional style going forward.