unmotivated boyfriend?

[tmacc0]

I am a 20 yrs old woman and I have been dating my boyfriend (also 20 yrs old) for 5 years now. He is quite literally the nicest person I have ever met and he is my best friend. I have a disability/medical disorder and he has helped me through all the tough times and is always there for me. I could not imagine life without him.

 

We both live with our parents still and go to a community college nearby. I have been working on and off during the years but sometimes my disability makes it impossible for me to keep a job and go to school at the same time. I volunteer often however and get good grades.

 

My boyfriend has only had 1 job (which lasted only 3 weeks) and does not do very well in school. His family is also in financial trouble because his dad lost his job 4 years ago and does not seem to be trying hard to find a new one, although he says he is looking. They can not even afford things like air conditioning at the moment and it is extremely hot. I am very worried that my boyfriend is going to end up like his dad. He does not seem too worried about their situation and has not tried very hard find a job himself.

 

We talk about getting married and starting a family someday but I am starting to think we are never going to be able to afford to. We have gone on several "breaks" in the past for this exact reason and he always says he is going to try to find a job, but he never gets one. He doesn't get many interviews I think because he has absolutely no experience. He spends a lot of time in his room playing computer games and I think he feels he doesn't need a job because he can 'get by without one', but I think that he is just being irresponsible. I don't know what to do anymore any advice?

[MikNomis]

In these types of situations, unfortunately there is not much you can do other than express your feelings about it. If they don't do anything to change the situation, then there really is nothing more you can do. You will never be able to force them to do what you want, and you can't continue to be with them while this problem exists.

 

The proper response is to cut your losses and realize if they're not going to change, it is better that you leave them sooner than later.

[tmacc0]

I have just talked to him about and he says he is going to start looking for a job. However, I don't think he understands how serious I am about this. I think he will try looking for a little while and then forget about it and go back to exactly what he was doing before. We have gone through this already 3 times. I am so fed up with this and I don't want it to continue. I want to show him I am serious this time. Should I break up with him? Tell him to check back with me when he gets a job? I don't know. I love him so much and it would be hard for me to go without him.

[civilservant]

Don't provide a caveat if you're going to break up with him. Tell him the issue and leave it at that. You're quite entitled to how you feel, and do not need to make no excuses as it's been raised before.

[tmacc0]

I guess I can't decide if I should break up with him completely, go on a "break" until he gets a job, or just stay with him and give him a time period to get a job? I just don't know if he will change or not. I don't want to lose him if he really will change, but I cant sit around waiting if he is never going to.

[civilservant]

I don't think ultimatums ever work. He'll end up resenting you. I don't think you have any option other than to break up with him, he might change, he might not, but you can't waste you're life waiting around to find out.

[tmacc0]

Thank you, I think I am going to break up with him. We have been dating for 5 years so it is going to be tough and I don't really have many friends besides him. If he does change, and gets a job, do you think it would be wise to get back together with him?

[civilservant]

Well this is all down to the reason you're breaking up with him. If you hve no intention of moving on, then breaking up is really pointless, because then you're still be waiting around to see if he's changed and wasting your life anyway. If you are going to break up with him, it has to be FOR YOU.

 

Only you can move on and find someone who will take responsibility for their own actions, he dosent appear to want to. Weather you get back wot him or not is your choice, but in my opinim there are greater problems.

[tmacc0]

ok, thank you.

[catfeeder]

Breakups can't be used to manipulate someone. They not only don't work, they backfire. How many times can you break up before you're never to be taken seriously again?

 

Don't break up unless you mean it--for good. This is the guy. You see what you get. If you love him enough to take the bad with the good, then stop trying to parent him and just be his girlfriend and love him as he is. Become all that YOU can be, and accept that it could mean positioning yourself as the breadwinner who will earn enough to carry both of you.

 

If that's not enough for you, which is also a valid choice, then end the relationship and find someone else. It doesn't make you a horrible person for wanting a man in your life who matches your own ambitions. However, it makes you a horrible nag to try to change another person into the man you want him to be.

 

Keep your options about you, and make decisions from that postion. It's not only the wisest way to operate, it's the ONLY way to get your wants and needs met.