Going on "the break"

[Bigchief]

Hi All,

I am 3 weeks into a break with the first love of my life. I can’t believe it! We are with each other 4 years.....it is really painful- I actually have a pain in my heart regularly, lost my appetite and lost interest in work. Im 32 and have a senior banking job in London which requires 100% and I have not been on last 3 weeks at all, luckily no issue yet but I have lost my ambition and this can’t continue.

 

Anyway what am I to do? We have the no contact rule which is broken by texting, emails and calls at least every 24 hrs- by her mostly.

 

Nothing happened just the spark went, but I really love her and hoped to be with her forever. There is none else involved I’m sure and she says she loves me. She was talking about marriage up until 3 months ago and then quite suddenly it went stale. I am a good bf and get on great with her parents. She was insanely in love with me for 3 years and I would do anything to get back to that time. I told her I planned on proposing in next 6 months so she knows im commited.

 

She is 25 and just starting her career and a bit all over the place, she has been distracted and a lot less caring in the 2 months prior to the break and then suddenly this.

 

We are on a month break.............but what then? I can’t just walk away from the love of my life but I know there is a real chance we are finished.

I don’t know what happened, I’m trying to channel the emotion towards positive things like working out, running etc- but regularly end up going out with my guy friends and getting drunk! Which is great but not a long term solution I know. In a months time I at least want to look good and be strong not like a moping wreck!

 

I don’t think a month is long enough…….I think a month is eternity…..please advise if anyone has been here, because I’m going crazy. 90% of the time I’m ok and then 10% is a very bad space. For example Im sitting her watching the phone hoping for a text.

 

Thanks!

[odile]

Chill out, because worrying won't help any.

If I had to wager on it, I'd guess that because she knows you plan to propose,

that this may be her last chance to be on her own, and

she's taking a time-out to really think things over before committing either way.

The positive way to look at this is that it could indicate that she does not take her commitments lightly.

While it may be rough for you now, if she does say "yes", she'll mean it with her whole heart.

I hope it works out for you.

[biggerheart]

Son't answer the texts or calls for a few days maybe a week. This will not automatically turn her off you, so don't worry. Take some time to not be reminded o the loss every time she decides to text. Also, don't let the boys talk you into a quick hook up to get over things. This could make that break permanent. Does this break have a timeline on it?

[Bigchief]

Many thanks for your advice, appreciated. I hope you are right odile!

Biggerh the timeline is until end of the month, I really wish I had an idea about how she felt so I could brace myself and begin to prepare for a potential termination.

I don’t think I could even meet her if this was the case………no texts last night 

 

Regrading a quick hoop up, this doenst really appeal to me right now, I did say if we were going on a break there were no rules, exepcting me to the more likely to hook up, I really regret this now as I know shes been going out with her mates and they would definitely get a lot of attention.

 

Im away for the weekend and plan on leaving my phone off (most of the time).

 

Cheers guys ill keep you in the loop. The advice is great!

[Bigchief]

Few texts off her last night at 4 am (clearly drunk) I didnt respond!

Was tough though!

[sahasupa]

So, she was the one who initiated the break up and yet she emails and calls you almost daily?

 

If this is the case, she is probably using you to help her transition out of the relationship with you. You fulfilled some functions in her life for which she has not found a substitute yet. As soon as she finds a way to fill that void, she will become unavailable very quickly.

 

Go NC and stick to it for a few months at least.

[adamt]

Sorry but a break is as good as a break up. Especially when women do it. She is probably seeing how she copes without you. 9 time out of 10 it will be over. I was where you were 12 months ago, only a few months before she wanted a break she wanted to buy a house together and i never doubted there was a problem. Thre was no one else involved but her mum died and changed her. I have only spoke to her once in november since we split 12 months ago. she even txt me in the break to say she missed me.

 

I reckon you are heading in different directions. you want to settle down. she is 25 and doesnt. she wants to do stuff. So many distractions in london and people settle down a lot older. I'm 39 and there are so many women in their mid 30s who are now wanting to settle down with mr right

 

The best thing you can do is not contact her and let her feel you are gone and hope she misses you. I know it is hard but if she wants a break then you should tell her to stop contacting you.If she doesnt miss you then it's for the best in the long run. It seems like she is weaning herself of you slowly. in a few weeks she will be ready to split up fully. so cut all contact and hope she misses you.in the meantimes keep yourself as busy as possible. take things out on the gym or physical exercise.

 

I live near london and atleast if things dont work out. there is no better place to meet someone new. once you are ready ofcourse.

[odile]

Bigchief, in case you've been discouraged by some of the other advice being given in this thread, I just want to let you know that what I wrote earlier was influenced by some real-life observations.

One couple in particular sprang to mind: she knew he was going to propose, and was nervous about it, so took a break to travel with a friend.

When she returned home, he proposed, and by that time, she'd made up her mind.

They have been married now for... gosh, 10 or so years?

 

This may/may not be what she is going through right now, but based on everything you've written, I'm of the impression that what you are going through may be a similar scenario.

 

If you start responding negatively right now, you may influence her decision in a negative direction.

Just take it easy. Try to keep yourself busy.

Don't play games and ignore her, but don't drop everything every time she texts, either.

Try to stay balanced.

Definitely listen to biggerheart's advice, and avoid any foolish hook-ups.

 

 

A month will go by quickly enough.

In the meantime, try to just stay calm.

[Bigchief]

Ok wow thanks to everyone for the advice again, yea I have had no contact since Sat 4am drunk texts etc, I am really surprised that she’s not txted or anything.

 

I see some of the advice is much more negative this time, but I appreciate it anyway I’m a realist and I don’t like to beat around the bush. I am also having new feelings of resentment towards her now as I am angry and really upset this has happened, is this normal?? I think this could mean something, but this is my first proper gf and therefore my first break up.

 

On another note I am afraid I didn’t fully heed all the advice, I was away with a friend last night and ended up kissing his fiancées younger sister.....it wasn’t panned at all we were having a smoke outside a bar and she just started kissing me.......Very very nice girl and I am actually pretty chuffed with myself to be honest, I still got it I guess. Only joking but it was a real confidence boost! I know it shouldn’t have been but it was….sorry for being shallow here but the last few weeks have been the hardest of all time and it was flattering that a pretty girl wanted to kiss me! We ended up kissing several times that night- just kissing tho it was like being 13 or something

(She was 26 btw)

 

Anyway that’s going no-where………Still have you know who on my mind all the time. I am beginning to fear the end is near, the only thing that can save us is if she falls back in love with me and I can’t do anything about that.

 

Just this no contact rule and my life going down the tube- at least I’m getting really fit with going to the gym everyday (I only smoke at weekends when im out)

 

Thanks I’ll keep you updated…this is really helping

[Bigchief]

Crap another two weeks have passed and I've been useless. The no contact rule being broken every two days or so.

I just cant help it I feel so hollow sometimes and I know she will respond if I txt her. She also texting me regularly and its impossible not to text back. She wants to meet up so I said yes; I can’t wait to see her. She still can’t decide whether to get back or not saying she needs to make sure its 100% and forever, sounds good but I guess this means that she has doubts still. I thought I was cooler with this than I actually am, but I guess that was just short term.

 

I have told her I love her and would love to get back to what we have but I cant wait around forever. I would love to just meet up and fall in love again but I guess this is naive. Ahhh man how did this happen.

 

Any advice appreciated- as it stands were meeting next week for a drink and see what happens.

[Ms Darcy]

Any advice appreciated - as it stands were meeting next week for a drink and see what happens.

 

Maybe you should make a promise to yourself that you are going to let this meetup be the last contact if she remains unsure. Then you should commit yourself to not contacting her for at least 30 days so you can get some clarity on the relationship.

[Bigchief]

Meeting her tomorrow for a drink..............hopefully will be posting something nice afterwards.

[Bigchief]

Im really worried aboout tomorrow now what will I do? What way should I act.

Also im getting a spot on my nose- perfect timing eh.

 

I have a bad feeling this is it.......she sent me some texts with no xs at the end. She never does this, even to her mum and sister she uses x at the end.

 

This really sucks I had suspected recently she had missed me and we would definitely get back. I think shes not sure still.

[odile]

Im really worried aboout tomorrow now what will I do? What way should I act.

Also im getting a spot on my nose- perfect timing eh.

 

I have a bad feeling this is it.......she sent me some texts with no xs at the end. She never does this, even to her mum and sister she uses x at the end.

 

This really sucks I had suspected recently she had missed me and we would definitely get back. I think shes not sure still.

 

It won't help you to read too deeply into her texts right now.

 

If I were in her shoes, and the guy I liked stopped replying to my texts without warning, it would not help sway me towards him.

You have no idea what her feelings are yet.

Maybe she felt like you had cooled off on her?

Let's just hope that word didn't get back to her about that night you were kissing someone else.

 

Best you can do now is to try to remain calm.

 

Stand up tall, and try to be in good spirits when you meet her.

IMO, it wouldn't hurt to bring her a flower or two.

 

Think about what it is that you want, and let her know.

Explain why it is that you stopped texting.

If you missed her, then tell her.

 

Let's hope things work out for you tonight.

However, if she is still unsure, then Ms_Darcy's advice was pretty good:

Tell her how difficult this has been for you, and that you need to go NC

to; as Ms_Darcy put it; get some clarity on the relationship.

[SN4P3]

STOP whatever you are doing. I have a plan for you.

 

Fortunately, it's not over. You still have a chance.

 

You HAVE to go no contact with her for at least a week. Given the fact that she still texts, calls you, she obviously hasn't ruled out calling it quits for good. So everytime in this week time span she texts you and you don't respond, you win. Think of it this way, it's easier to go no contact. When your phone rings and you let it ring knowing it's her, smile, look at her name on the phone and say, "I win".

Don't call her back, delete the voicemail, don't respond to texts. Remember to say the "I win" thing when she tries to contact you.

 

After a week, or maybe 2 weeks of doing this, it will drive her nuts. Why? Because you are in control. You are the one who decides if you want to talk to her. She is no longer getting your attention and females don't like when that happens.

 

So then, you call her, and give yourself 2 minutes to set up a meeting with her. Be serious on the phone. Be stern. Strong. Even if you have to put up a facade to do so, DO IT!

 

You might have scared her off with your intentions of marriage and commitment. She obviously wasn't ready for it, and he solution was to run away. So when you have your meeting, tell her that you aren't quite ready for a serious commitment like marriage, and apologize for putting her in an awkward situation.

Say that you cherished the relationship up until that point, and would like to get back to that point. Say that you want to take your time with her before you both decide and start talking about big commitments.

 

Hopefully that will work.

[Bigchief]

Odlie and SN4 many thanks again for the advice, only problem is I am meeting her in 45 mins. Man I’m nervous- I have a card for her which is positive but pretty much says i recon were probably quits.

I will be brave and have a few drinks with her and see what happens- ill update u later on the soap opera that’s become my life a rom-com without the comedy.

I bet she’s going to look amazing too-as per my previous quote I have a spot on my nose now-what a nightmare!

 

Going to say a prayer now- don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything so bad in my life.

Don’t worry I wont let you down thanks all again- this site is a life saver.

 

If tonight doesn’t work (as expected) its NC all the way- either way it’s a new beginning for me

[Bigchief]

went great!!! ok were not back but she says theres a 90pc chance we will be in next month. I need to be more easy going etc..............ya ya ya whk whatever bit drunk now but happy and hopeful...thanks guys really appreciate ur advice. wow she looked amazin!! we had a laugh about my spot on nose!!

 

hope im not just silly happy now!!

you guys have been amazin support and i dont even know you

[odile]

Whew, it's a relief that your meeting came too soon to follow SN4P3's advice--

well intentioned, but way too much of an immature 'game' tactic for my taste.

You have serious feelings, and this is not the time to be gambling with them.

Be sincere, be yourself.

 

I am SO happy for you that you had a great night.

Her "90%" comment is irritating, though... sounds like she is being a little silly, herself.

hmph.

 

Nevermind, though, because judging by your giddiness,

my sense is that you're going to be fine.

Just chill out and stay positive for the next month.

Everything will work out for the best.

[Bigchief]

Ok maybe I was a bit ecstatic when I wrote my last post......or tipsy at least.

 

Since then we met late on Saturday night and were all over eachother, she called me at 1am and came running down to meet me. then we had dinner on sunday.......which was fine.

 

OK heres the problem, she still cant commit and Im asking myself why? I am beginning to think that I am a fool waiting around for her to make her mind up. I have gone NC since Monday and am really just considering that we have 100% broken up, ie talking to new girls etc.

 

The way I see it if we have a row in 6 months over a girl ive kissed, fine, but I am assuming that we are finished right now.

 

Honestly I have siad all the right things, put ,my heart on the line, told her I loved her and I'd do anything to get back and been a real gent and told her if we get back i'll be there forever etc to look out for her. This whole thing has made me view her in a different light and I cant believe shes put me through this.

 

She said if we get back we will move in, I offered to rent my hosue and we can rent some place together- this isnt easy- I love my house! Im now thinking why would I do all this for her the way shes going on now? Ive offered to do lots of other gestures besides.

 

Her parents and family and friends have all said that they really like me and Im a great guy (she told me this) but its her decision.....well infact its hers and MY decision.

 

Its like being back to square one..........she must have no respect for me and I really think we are screwed.......

 

yours confused again

 

PS-drinking impairs your logic!!!

[Bigchief]

The roller coast continues, I am really looking for advice now.

 

She’s still not sure etc, I just got off a long call with her. She doesn’t know what she wants and seems to be a lot clearer than me. I tried the whole im doing great etc etc which didn’t last long.

 

We met at the w/e as above quote and she said she thought I made no effort and if I really loved her I would have sent her flowers etc. I was really stressed about another work related issue and wasn’t really myself when we met and I said this to her now.

 

Then she said that she loves me but maybe we went compatible for future. Then the penny dropped for me we are beyond compatible maybe not with careers or living situation but as people. I called her back and told her this and we had a really nice conversation. I told her I would do anything for her and I would give her much more independence and trust. I said I had made the decision that if we were to be together that I would have to change and this was something I would do to have her in my life forever.

 

I am 100% now she is the one for me and I love her beyond anything. I was protecting myself by not being open enough about my feelings the last month. Its all or nothing now Im opening my heart and I am willing to be devastated if it doesn’t work out I don’t know what else to do.

 

Am I crazy, am I playing this all wrong- I have tried and failed at NC disastrously. I can’t go NC it makes it worse. Still can’t believe I am here it’s like a nightmare a horrible real nightmare.

[MikNomis]

Telling someone how much you love them and how you'd do anything for them is a double-edged sword: It's not something that is good to say all the time. Thing I noticed about it is that many times - sometimes more often than not - telling them these things has an effect of taking you for granted. That's not to say these things are taboo to say. There is a time and place to say these things, but they are rare. When these times are I myself am trying to find out...

 

From what I've seen, telling your partner how much you love them and would do anything was most consistently detrimental to the relationship when it is during a break or breakup.

[adamt]

your only option is to go NC. you have to give her the message that it is all or nothing. I know how hard it is to go NC. I was there 14 months ago. SInce then i've only spoke to my ex once. No matter how hard it is you have to go NC. otherwise you will be in this situation until she finds someone else and they you will be in a worse state. You have to stop responding. it is the only way. you can keep askign for advice but that is the onyl way to go to resolve things.

 

If someone really loves you then they will come back. if someone really loves you i dont believe they need a break. i mean if i love someone i want to be with them not away from them.

 

at some point you have to draw a line on things. for better or for worse because you dont want to be stuck in this situation months down the line and then suddenly she stopped contacting you when she has someone new.

 

sounds like she jsut want to you there as backup and some make company. then disappear once someone else is on the scene

 

she sounds confused about her feelings and there is only one way it will go once she has her head sorted out

[Bigchief]

Many thanks folks ok nc it is. cheers I think you are right.

[adamt]

Many thanks folks ok nc it is. cheers I think you are right.

 

I hope you can stick to NC. my ex never contacted me which made it a little easier to stick at it. The way I saw it was that if she really loved me then she would miss me. then once the mist had cleared she would make contact to try to work things out. It had to come from her.

 

she wanted a break before we split up. During the break she even emailed me to say she didnt think it was over and she missed me. so when we met up i was full of hope but she wanted to end it. so sometimes what they say in a break isnt always how it will end up.

 

i hope it works out, but dont be a door mat. If he doesnt work out then just keep yourself busy as possible. i got into the gym and now 14 months on I am super fit and in great shape. I miss her still and have occassional moments but i'm now back on the dating scene. just waiting to meet someone new to let me fully move on. time is your healer but stay busy

 

edit: I notice it is a full month since you started the thread. I think that is sufficient time to hang on waiting for her. I think it is time for you to take control of the situation. For yourself and the long term you need to draw a line either way now.

[MatthewJohn]

Hey buddy, new to Enotalone. I read through your post and realized that your situation is nearly identical to mine right now. I have been seeing my g/f or...'(ex' now) for 2 years. She is 25 and I am 28. We 'broke up' 2 weeks ago. I went NC with her and she kept calling, texting and emailing at least once or twice a day about how she missed me etc. Finally after a week and her calling a few times in a row in a particular day, I picked up. We decided to get together and 'hang out.' She claimed she had made a mistake. The bizarre thing is that she acted like nothing happened, came in and gave me a big hug and kiss like things were normal. We spent the week hanging out 3 or 4 times and I assumed we were getting back together because things were so nice. Then she gives me the death blow today saying that she "tried" but she just can't do this right now. She is also all over the place with trying to get her career together and very goal oriented. I figured this is the type of thing I'd be dealing with when I was 20-22, not at 28. Just hang in there the best you can, it seems that clinging on and hoping for her to 'come around' is the worst thing possible. I'm going to work on bettering myself and loving myself again. After all, if we can't love ourselves, how can we can we love another in a healthy manner?