A question about the "Dumper's Perspective"

[blackcat21]

Sorry also forget to add that a lot of times space is a big thing with men.. thereforeeee coming to them and talking about it, really doesn't do anything, because what they want is space and freedom, not to work things out.

Thats just my opinion from my experiences..

[danimal77]

Once again, that is not true that men do not want to work it out. Have you looked around on this site how many men want to work it out and how many of their women do not.

 

How old are you again? I am just very curious.

 

Danimal

[blackcat21]

I'm just saying that often when a man ends a relationship, they no longer want to work it out. At least not unless they change for whatever reason. Once again, I'm 21. How old are you?

[danimal77]

How can you keep speaking on behalf of all men? Everyone is different. Everyone. Speak on behalf of the men you've had in your life, but ask around before you already make assumptions. It will limit you severely in life, to think you may have us men all figured out. Try and understand your man and what he needs and not all men. Focus on him and only him and get objective points of view, from open minded people.

 

I'm 26 going on 27 btw.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[bexcelant]

Danimal,

 

I am certainly for doing all the things you are talking about. But there comes a point like even talking and that the other person won't even give you the time of day...that's the time for some self respect and to get up off the floor and not take it anymore. In my case, I did everything, tried being the friend, was there for her etc. But after all this time. I realized that the last six months she has not let me into her life. She talks to me no more frequently than 3-4 weeks apart. I've only seen her like 3 times in the last year. You know...for being such a big part of her life and her telling me that she didn't want to lose me and that she wanted me to stay at least as a friend. For all of that, I have come to realize that this is not the way to treat a person to keep them as part of your life. You know what the final straw was? Not giving me the time of day and blowing me off by email.

[danimal77]

Bexcelant,

 

Perhaps you weren't offering her that emotional fulfillment that was requited to bring her back in. She was giving you the opportunity to do so, by mainitaining contact with her.

 

Contact is big and what you do with it, is even bigger.

 

Did you ever try NC from day 1, when you it ended?

 

You must know how to provide the emotional fulfillment, yet remain indepdent at the same time. Give of yourself, asking nothing in return from her and then you retreat. You HAVE TO create a need.

 

If you employed all of these essential ingredients, I don't see why there would have been a problem.

 

Always remember, if you want to get your lover back, you need to make them feel appreciated, good, emotionally fulfilled, while you remain independent, aloof and vague, NOT NEEDY or clingy. If you can act this way, at least the independent, aloof, etc. part, then you may be able to contact her without killing whatever future chance you have, but only if you can do it and be confident while doing it.

 

Certain conduct can drive another away, or create an imbalance in a relationship, or just lead to the other losing interest. Such conduct must be avoided, if you hope to start or restart a relationship.

 

One such type of conduct is telling or declaring a need for the other person. Telling them you love them, want them, etc. can do the same thing if done at the wrong time or too much. When actually in a relationship, not trying to get it started or restarted, you need to say these things. People are attracted to those who stir their emotions without beeing needy, that is while remaining independent, aloof and vague.

 

A philosophy that works EVERY time, but it must be maintained and if not, you are like me, back on the boards.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[fantasia2004]

so in bexcellent situation he should be administering no contact at this point.

 

Are we to treat the individual that we love or desire as a preference not a need?

 

You said create a need.

 

How long should this type of behavior go on?

 

isn't it decietful or manipulative?

 

No offense? Just trying to understand you better.

[danimal77]

No Contact serves two purposes. First, it removes you from contact with the thing that is hurting you. Second, it prevents you from doing something foolish. You are not going to get someone back because you tell them your feelings for them are so strong and deep that you just cannot hold them back. Telling someone about those feelings will make the other person go away. Far away.

 

Instead of making them think about your feelings for them, you need to rekindle their feelings for you. Rekindling their feeling requires a bit of a seduction.

 

We fall in love with those people who give us emotional fulfillment. Who give us a feeling inside that feeds us where we need to be fed. For some, it can be a feeling that the other person needs you, for tohers a feeling that they take care of your needs. What did you to for or twoards him or her that gave them the great feelings? Examine the history of the relationship for those moments. What did you do that brought them on?

 

You can both create and encourage contact when you can do it without being affected by it. When you can talk to her or him and know that you are not going to collapse into any non-seductive behavior that chases them away. When you can manage the contact and use it to draw them back in and in a manner where they want to be back in, and not just part of the way in.

 

The thing is that there are certain types of behavior we tend to engage in when we break up. Some grieve and no contact helps separate them from the thing that is hurting them. Some go back to the other person and beg and plead to get back together, declare their undying love, for the other person, etc. This is very unseductive behavior that will quickly end all chance you have of getting back together. Both of these behaviors are good reasons not to have contact initially, but not necessarily permanently.

 

If however, you can have contact without behavior that hurts you or forever drives wedge between the two of you so there can never be a relationship, then contact and being friends may be a great idea.

 

Maybe instead of pushing them away, we should think about luring them in. About making them feel great just being around us. What do they respond to emotionally? What did you do in the beginning of your relationship that made them get excited about you in the first place?

 

That all depends on how ready you are to control your emotions. It takes a lot. You need to be strong, really strong.

 

Hope this clarifies my point.

 

Danimal

[bexcelant]

Danimal,

 

My situation is a bit more complicated in that there is another man involved. She has been with him now for 11 months. She broke up with him a month ago and came running to me. That lasted one week. Then she went back to him. Now she's telling her friends that although they have problems, they are gonna work through them and work towards getting married. happened. I did not press her for anything...until now. Thing is, she never at any point told me any of this the last time I saw her. I did no contact for the first 5-6 months. Then when we reinitiated contact, it was like a weight off of both of us. She was really happy...but she continued to date the other guy. I simply stood my ground and talked to her like nothing was wrong. I did a bit of flirting but nothing further than that.

 

Because with her actions of the last few weeks, I sought understanding as to what was going on. If she wanted to be with him fine. I would move on. The thing is, when she totally blew me off. As someone who had been such a big a part of her life as me that action was unconsionable. She at least could give me one hour of her time to talk. Adults discuss things rationally. And so here we are now. In round 2 of no contact and I have erased all her numbers off my cell phone and databases. Yes, no contact is again the only thing to do here. Pressing the matter is not the right action because she won't even answer her phone.

[danimal77]

hat's one of the main reasons why my ex left me. I was exactly like your ex is with you. She got fed up eventually and left and all I wanted all along was to be closer to her, but didn't know how to. Then again, she didn't know how to open me up either.

 

Anyways, that's all in the past. I've been working hard on myself in the last 32 days, since the breakup. Time is flying bye.

 

You do love him, I know and that's what gives me hope everytime to keep on fighting.

 

Thanks,

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[kaboom1218]

I feel ya, I'm going through the same thing. My ex is back, but sparingly so. Very unsure. We had our first breakthrough conversation lately, where apologies and sentiments were exchanged, but getting emotionally involved again was last on his list. I feel it's a good start, but not if we are backsliding instead of making progress on whatever level we choose to interact. He also has mad issues to deal with, always has and I've stuck by him. So where was/is his loyalty? Adding me to the list of issues is also something for which he's not prepared.

 

So why did he come back at all? I'm torn between just walking away or as you said, letting him really know how I feel and that the inconsistency is as much of a pain as the silent treatment. So what are your next moves going to be? I am and have always been open for communication whether good or bad, but it seems like unless it's positive or w/o risk, he's fine. But that's not realistic. That ain't life.