My moms disapproval is destroying my dream

[preciousgirl82]

Well, last post I mentioned that my SO got me an engagement ring and had told my mother and asked for her blessings. So, i just discovered that her disapproval is more than just a result of "empty nest syndrome" but she's also claiming she's "shocked" because she didnt even know he was my boyfriend. * * * ? He's at every family event, we kiss in front on her and use pet names, and lets not forget that ive been with him for years. In my mind, she's either crazy or just trying to sabotage this.

Its true i never sat down and talked to her about the details of my relationship with him (she's ultra opinionated and i knew she was against me being in such a serious relationship) but to pretend she didnt see this coming...i dont buy it.

She also told my SO that she feels i havent dated/lived enough and proceeded to make negative statements about marriage. Her final response was "You're adults, do what you want to do."

Im so upset these days that im losing weight, not sleeping and on the verge of breaking up with my boyfriend just to avoid anymore stress. I really need my mothers support and love when i get engaged and my SO believes the only way this will happen will be for me to have a heart to heart with her about my feelings for him and convince her im ready. Little does he know that this will lead to a big blow out and her attacking my every statement until i finally submit or walk away.

I never wanted to have to be in this situation where i feel im torn between my mother and my boyfriend. Im 28 years old and i thought maybe they'd be a chance this would be easy.

Side note: She hasnt mentioned anything to me about the conversation she had with him and she's laughing and talking with me like normal.

Would i be an idiot to not marry him just to avoid a fight with my mother and possibly a nervous breakdown?

[SapphireNoir10]

You can't let your mother dictate your mood and your life. Part of getting married is leaving the nest, and becoming part of a team/partnership with your partner. He should I think be your priority here. Would you honestly break up with him over what your mother thinks?

 

I think shes being inconsiderate and unkind, she seems quite happy to sabotage your future happiness. I think you need to stop listening and taking to heart what she says. You have a man who loves you and wants to marry you.

[livelarge]

You need to make a very hard choice: Live for yourself or live for your mother. At 28, I would think the answer would be obvious, but it isn't to you. So think hard about it.

[Puckdog27]

You're not marrying your mother, and she isnt marrying your fiancee. This is your choice.

[Nerdyjock]

This is quite ridiculous. How long have you two been dating? Your mom "not knowing" you two were a couple is quite mind-boggling.

 

Have you talked about it to her? If you have trusted your mom up to this point, I find it fishy that she disapproved of your bf's asking for a blessing.

 

If, in fact, she actually does feel that way, your mom is acting quite inappropriately.

[I_Speak_Jive]

Im so upset these days that im losing weight, not sleeping and on the verge of breaking up with my boyfriend just to avoid anymore stress.

 

Honey, seriously, get a grip. Your mum is being out of line but you seem to be overreacting in the extreme. You're going to need a skin thicker than that if you want to have a successful marriage

 

I love my parents to death but they are basically horrified by every life choice I have made since I was 15 years old and that's OK by me. I can tell when I am doing something that's right for me. I am sure you can too. A higher tolerance for stress, conflict, and other people's disapproval are amazing skills that you should aim to develop.

 

Now go make yourself a sandwich and you'll be able to think more clearly.

[lostnscared]

Yep. It's time for you to get some thicker skin. It's YOUR life. Not your mothers. She can be as disappointed as she wants to be. You're the one getting married not her. And honestly that is a part of GROWING UP. You can't base your life around getting your parents approval.

Yes it's nice, but it shouldn't define your relationships with others, make you doubt yourself or your decision, or lead you to make a decision that you do not agree with. At what cost do you want your mothers approval? At the risk of losing your fiance? Think hard. Because that is essentially what you've implied.

Get some backbone, tell your mom it's your life, your decision, and you ARE getting married and she can either support you or she can continue being negative. But if she does not support you, you will continue on with the wedding ANYWAY.

Once you let her know that, she'll shape up. Because she knows you still want her approval, she still feels control over you, and knows she can get away with this type of behavior.

Time to lay down the law.

[odile]

The issue here seems primarily about your relationship with your mom, and not so much about your relationship with your fiance, but firstly-- just to play devil's advocate-- are there any real reasons or doubts that you might have, or imagine that she might have about you marrying this guy?

Just consider this for a moment, because parents usually have their children's best interest at heart.

However, sometimes parents can have a skewed perspective on things, so whether or not her doubts are founded is something for you to decide.

 

Is your mom generally sort of abrasive? A little too frank more often than not?

If that is the case, then I agree with the others who have mentioned growing a thicker skin.

It does sound like your relationship with your mom isn't ideal (you don't seem to be able to communicate with each other), so I can understand why you feel sad not to have her support both in general, and in regard to this milestone.

Just the same, you ARE an adult, and maybe this is the time that you try that heart to heart that your fiance has suggested.

 

Why would it have to be a blow-out?

Do not worry about to trying to convince her of anything.

Her opinions about marriage are based on her experiences, and there's little sense in arguing with her about them.

You know how you feel about your fiance, and you're the one marrying him, not her.

My advice: Rather than focusing on trying to win her approval, state your case, and ask not for her to support your decision, but to be glad for the happiness that you feel now.

Some things you might communicate (in whatever words you choose):

 

"Mom, I know how you feel about marriage, and I know that you'll always think of me as your little girl, but I've been with (guy) for x-years. I love him, and have accepted his marriage proposal.

I've no doubt that married life comes with ups and downs, and new things to learn, but that's life, and I am now ready to make a commitment to share mine with him, through thick and through thin.

This is a decision that makes me very happy. Perhaps it's not the decision that you would make for yourself, but you and I are different people.

As my mother, it would mean so much to me if you could share in my happiness.

[preciousgirl82]

How long have you two been dating?

We've been dating 9 years yesterday. She's just angry because i never openly mentioned to her that we were this serious.

[rikka]

I agree with everything Odile just said.

 

As someone with very close ties to her family - I have disappointed them a few times with my decisions. But in the end they (eventually) come to respect my decisions or at least my right to make such decisions.

 

Do NOT let your fear of your mother's disapproval (or your need for her approval) ruin your relationship. You would be a fool to let her opinion spoil something that you have and separate you from someone you love. This doesn't need to be a fight or a blow out if you don't let it. Yes, emotions will run high, but just say your piece and ask her to respect your decision. You are an adult after all.

[preciousgirl82]

Basically you are right...my mom and i have a big communication issue but thats because of her negative statements and hurtful statements that push me away. But id be a fool to stop my life just to please her. She's angry that i never spoke to her openly about my relationship with him after all these years. my boyfriend and I grew up together and i wasnt remotely interested in him when we were younger. She's curious as to how we wound up together and doesnt take my love for him seriously. Meanwhile, this is the most serious ive ever been in my life, and the most rational ive ever been. She likes him as a person but i dont think she ever expected him to become my fiancee.

[preciousgirl82]

You guys are all right. I need thicker skin. She's always had the last word but this is one time she CANT win. Im scared to death of the ridicule i will get and the lack of support ill get my boyfriend is so upset that i threatened to break up with him over this. I cant let my fear allow me to lose him. Originally i was so excited about the thought of us getting engaged.

[damagedgood]

PGirl, it is a myth that parents always love and want their best for their children.

And parental and filial love are waaaay overrated.

I have seen may a life destroyed by parental possessiveness disguised as love.

Do not quarrel with your mother; inform her what your intentions are; period.

If she starts arguing, just walk away.

Do not give her the time of day.

I mean it.

These are not the actions of a loving parent.

 

DG

[lostnscared]

Yep I agree with Damaged Good. Ideally a parent does have a child's best interest as heart. But parents are human beings too and therefore just as self-serving and as interested in securing their own ideals for what is best for us as anyone else. They are not super-humans that just know what's best every single time. They make mistakes. They don't know everything. And in addition, in some cases that are not ideal, they don't look out for our best interest.

I'd say that most parents WANT us to make decisions that work in our favor. But they may have a different opinion or "idea" about "certain" decisions than we do. And that is fine. As a parent and as someone that loves us, they should and can offer their insight, guide us, let us know their doubts and concerns and stand up for themselves. But we should be able to do the same. And they may not agree with every decision we make, but nonetheless they should accept whatever decision we make(even if they don't like it) and let us be adults.

In this case the OP needs to realize that her mom isn't always going to agree with her decisions. And that is fine. It's ideal to have her support, but I know many married couples where the parents may not have liked the bride or the groom or the decision to get married, and the couples did it regardless and are quite content. And in a majority of those situations, the parents eventually came around, accepted it, and supported them.

We just have to LET them know that this is our life and our decision. From there, it's up to the parent to make a decision about rather or not they want to support us or not(as they don't have to).

To the OP, my dad was not supportive and still isn't supportive of my current relationship. But I stood my ground. Time to stand your ground too.

Also, your Fiance needs to know that this will be an issue in your relationship. He needs to feel that you'll stand up for him, that you won't "risk" your relationship because of a "need" of approval, and that you'll stop allowing your mother to define your life.

 

Good luck

[odile]

We've been dating 9 years yesterday. She's just angry because i never openly mentioned to her that we were this serious.

 

In that case, then that's all the more reason to try to open up to her, and invite her to share not just the occasion, but your feelings, as well. Don't be afraid of letting her know what you think or how you feel. Even if you don't always agree, this will help you to get to know one another.

It sounds like both of you crave a closer mother-daughter relationship, so take this opportunity to try to cultivate the changes in your dynamic.

[karvala]

Would i be an idiot to not marry him just to avoid a fight with my mother and possibly a nervous breakdown?

 

Yes.

 

And I suspect that living for your mother rather than yourself is actually a faster route to a nervous breakdown. Stop looking for approval from your mother and start giving it to yourself. She will come round in time, but this situation needs you to lead.

[Cognitive_Canine]

If you break up with your boyfriend to please your mother, assume that you'll never get married and always be under her control.

 

Because that's exactly what she wants.

[Sports Fan]

If you break up with your boyfriend to please your mother, assume that you'll never get married and always be under her control.

 

Because that's exactly what she wants.

 

 

^^^ This. Your mom is a control freak and will complain if she doesn't get her way. She didn't know you and your BF were that serious? Laughable.

[Cadence44]

If you break up with your boyfriend to please your mother, assume that you'll never get married and always be under her control.

 

Because that's exactly what she wants.

 

Agreed. Barring any major issues with your relationship, a parent should put the child first and support the child's happiness. Especially if the child is a 28 year old adult woman

 

OP, from your other thread you said that you were your Mom's best friend and she doesn't have many other friends. I suspect that's the real reason behind this. She doesn't want to lose you as her friend and she doesn't want to lose the feeling that she has control over you. This is not someone who is worried about what is in your best interest; she's worried about herself. She's essentially being selfish, and you need to recognize that. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with your choice to become engaged. It's her issue and letting it carry over and eat away at what sounds like a healthy relationship between you and your fiance is a bit absurd.

 

I suspect that your dynamic with your mother is much more dysfunctional that you realize because you've willingly been under her control for so long. To feel this unsure about something at 28 years old because your mother (senselessly) disapproves tells me that you need to take a long hard look at your relationship with your mother, because you've spent 28 years not questioning it.

[Nerdyjock]

Original Poster - I'm mostly joking but almost serious when I ask (after seeing the news today...) Are you Bristol Palin?!?!

[preciousgirl82]

LOL..nope, NOT Bristol Palin but ive also noticed the eerie similarities in this situation. LOL. Luckily, I think my mom has accepted the fact that im an adult and she seems much more open to the idea.