Broken up after 3 years...man, does it hurt

[WillAlwaysLoveHer]

I know there's a lot of people who share my pain, and probably more that have more pain, but I still can't stand it.

 

Me and my girl - well now ex - went out for a few years and now we're on a break, though it seems more like a breakup. She wants to figure things out with her life alone, but wants to remain close. Even though she says it's not completely over between us, she said that we shouldn't pass up anything (worth pursuing) that may come our way. Am I being too naive to think that maybe sometime down the road we'll get back together? I still love her and will always love her, so maybe that's clouding my train of thought.

 

Everything in my place reminds me of her. I cry every night. I dont' know how to handle it. Please help me.

[EatZ]

That's awful. I'm so sorry.

 

There's no sure-fire way to handle this other than to see it through emotionally. You're no doubt in shock and absolute disbelief right now. Don't do anything irrational at this stage, just be by yourself or with family and friends. Grieve this. Talk it out with them, don't bottle it up or hide it. It's perfectly okay to feel the way you do. Cry your little heart out. Just remember to keep eating and get some rest if you can muster the strength to do so.

 

How long has it been since she made this decision? Perhaps it's time you hide as much stuff as you can that reminds you of her, and distance yourself from her. Do no contact for at LEAST a week (or longer) if you haven't already. She's broken up with you, so now she needs to deal with the repercussions that come with that decision. This will no doubt be a VERY hard thing for you to do because all you want to do is see her and hear her voice and still be part of her daily life in some way, shape or form. You're clinging to a hope that you may get back together, so the thought of leaving her alone will seem to be completely out of the question right now.

 

She has to realise though that she can't pull back to being "just friends" and keep you on a short leash. It's a classic case of trying to have her cake and eat it too. It's OBVIOUS that you're not going to go on the lookout for another partner, so why would want to downgrade your feelings for her? All "being friends" will do is prolong your pain and instil hope that maybe, just maybe, if you wait long enough the relationship might be rekindled. How cruel...

 

I'm not in any way saying "no, you're not going to get back together". There's always a chance... Truth be told, it's probably the one thing that's keeps you going -- the thought that you might still have a future together. I know I felt this way a few weeks ago, and I wouldn't be at ALL surprised if you feel the same.

 

One thing is for sure though. It's FAR too soon to tell. Just know that sometime down the track you'll be happy with whatever happens and you'll grow from this experience. Whether it be in a renewed and happy relationship with your ex, or whether it be in a fulfilling relationship with someone new and a stronger, wiser version of yourself.

 

Keep posting WillAlwaysLoveHer. Tell us more if you're ready for it, we're all here to help!

 

If you ever want to talk, don't hesitate to PM me.

[Pebek]

WillAlwaysLoveHer-I'm so sorry for you. I know exactly what your feeling because I'm going through a pinful breakup myself now. 3 months ago my (now ex) gf of 4 years told me she 'needed time'. I was in shock. I knew it was another way of saying 'I'm going to leave you'. Although it's killing me I've been doing NC for 3 months now. What else can you do? Calling her will only annoy her and make you hurt even more. In my case I had to hide all the things she'd ever bought or given me. The photos are the worst-don't go thru them now. There must come a time when the pain is gone and you will pick yourself up. I know it doesn't seem possible now, but it will happen. Hopefully, we'll both survive. But for now, just like yourself, everything around me reminds me of her. I can't even go out and walk the streets we used to walk together. We spent a wonderful 2 weeks at the seaside last summer and were planning to spend 3 weeks in the same place this summer, but...

Hang on tough. It's hard, but what else is there?What else?

[WillAlwaysLoveHer]

Sadly, it's only been less than a week, and even more pathetic, I've already talked to her a few times since "the day" - to get her perspective on things. The sad thing is, I even asked her to grab dinner and a movie tonight and she agreed. I know this is the absolute worst thing I could do, as I'm only torturing myself, but I keep thinking and trusting her word that "things are not completely over". I truly believe she thinks that, but I also think that the chance of it happening are slim to none. Again, I know that's pretty naive of me, but I want to keep hoping until she says "things ARE over". Plus, I know deep deep down, if things dont' work out, I still want to be close, if not best friends. Just at the moment, I want all or nothing. I guess you can say that my contact with her thus far is an effort (albeit, a pathetic one) to win her back.

 

As far as the things that remind me of her, it's practically everything. A lot of the stuff I own (furniture, appliances, movies), she was there with me when I got it. It all reminds me of her, so the personal stuff she left behind really doesn't add that much more to it. I even told her it's fine and to pick it up when she wanted. If I'm to get rid of anything, it would have to be everything. I know you're thinking this is another idiotic thing, but in a weird way, I see two things from it: 1. In the event we get back together, I want her to know that it was as if she never left, and more importantly 2. If I can get over her with her stuff there, I know I'll be ok. Because again, I know deep deep DEEP down, I want to stay best friends no matter what happens.

 

At any rate, Eatz is definitely right that it IS far too soon to tell. I have to be patient. And Pebek, you're right about hiding the photos. Same goes w/ love letters. What is NC? I see other ppl right that on here.

 

Thanks for replying.

[d346]

well, maybe my success story will help you out.

 

My boyfriend pulled the same thing after 3 years. Typical quarterlife crisis, doesn't know what he wants with his life, career, etc. and me wondering about our future didn't help.

 

So he bailed -said "he didn't know about things" needed time to be alone, and when I asked him if it was goodbye, he said "not forever." Basically he couldn't commit to the relationship, yet he couldn't commit to breaking up either. I was very upset, yet hopeful he'd figure things out.

 

Then I got mad. How dare he walk away like that after 3 years? We were a team. The most important individuals in each of our lives. I felt that you don't do that to someone you love. So I didn't contact him. And it upset me more that he wasn't calling me. I was extremely hurt. Evenutally a couple weeks later I ran into him at the store -it was very awkward, and I was short with him, telling him I had to leave, and that's what I did. This apparently affected him because he called an hour later. He was still uncertain about what he wanted, but I was able to tell him that I was unhappy with the way he handled us...(some other details that I didn't include) -I was firm, and brought up some valid points. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was over, so I said well we'll go our separate ways, and whatever's meant to be is meant to be.

 

A few days later, he emailed me to see how I was doing. I held firm -replied a brief email, that I was ok, keeping busy,also figuring things out on my end. Then he called me. I wanted to know immediately what he wanted, and made it clear that I wasn't interested in establishing small talk.

 

And let me tell you...it worked. He missed me like crazy. And the fact that he saw I was holding strong (and displeased with him) attracted him more! (I was borderlining needy at our breakup) Time apart without contact really allowed me to regain my strength. I felt I could move on, OR be a stronger person WITH him.

 

He eventually called again and asked if we can start over again (something he seemed to think was not feasible at the time of our breakup...after me pleading with him) He said that things got complicated, but he realizes that he's still completely in love with me. Well of course! I knew he loved me, and the best thing in his life disappeared for 3 weeks. He just had to see what life was like without it! I was hesitant, but said "I would be lying if I said I didn't want to try" (because, mind you I was still hurt, and was beginning to wonder if he'd ever return) I eventually saw him and he pounced upon me with a huge hug and smile (something you're not going to get if you continuously and casually see your ex) which was amazinly gratifying. I really feel now that he appreciates me and really wants to try. And I feel stronger...won't ever be a doormat again!!!

 

ps. this was all very hard. I probably cried for 3 weeks straight....at home, at work, at bars. It was insane. But I held my ground despite the pain. and hopefully it will lead to a stronger bond and new self awareness between us. -so this never happens again!

[EatZ]

d346, that's an amazing story! Congratulations on getting back together, I'm very impressed with how you handled it.

 

1. In the event we get back together, I want her to know that it was as if she never left

 

First of all, there's nothing wrong or pathetic about your situation or the actions you took. But remember, what you do in the coming weeks will have an affect on the outcome one way or another. If she's made up her mind, there's nothing really that you can do to change things, but seeing as she's hazy on the whole situation it's definitely best that you think before you act.

 

Regarding what you said. In the event that you get back together, DON'T fall back into that same comfort zone so easily. Don't try to pretend like nothing ever happened. She dropped a bomb dude! It has to be defused... You can't just hide it away and assume everything will be fine. It'll only blow up again 3 months, 2 months, maybe even 1 month down the track. You need to address it as soon as possible if and when you get back together.

[Pebek]

WillAlways..-NC stands for 'no contact'. I admire you for having the strength to cling on to her and the things around you. I know it may sound harsh but you've been together for such a short time compared to the four and a half years I spent with my ex. You may say it's the quality not quantity that counts but 4 years is enough to get into a certain habit which, once it has been taken awaw from you, makes you feel totally estranged. For now I haven't been doing great coping with my feelings, but I hope I'll manage.

Stay strong and feel free to send me a pm.

By the way, my gf was 16 years younger than me, ouch...!

[WillAlwaysLoveHer]

Wow Pebek, 16 years ... that's impressive. You're quite the lady's man.

 

d346, I really hope my situation turns out to be just like yours. I'm feeling pessimistic about it, but it does give me a little scrap of hope.

 

EatZ, you're 100% right that if (but not when) we get back together, we cannot ignore whatever happened in the past and will have to face it at one point or another. But I completely plan on doing that BEFORE ever getting back together.

 

So I went to dinner and a movie (yes, w/ her) last night and it was a lot of fun. Dinner was good, laughed a bunch, and saw a great movie. Did I just say laugh? I guess I did. Even so, we're still not getting back together and I still felt sad, but it was definitely better. But then when I was driving her home after the movie, I felt awkward and sad again. She said that we would talk and see each other again, but w/out specifying more than "just friends" or not. I know that was just her way of saying that we'd stay in touch, but just as "close friends" (for now). Who knows. All I know is that I think I'll stay in NC in the oncoming days/weeks/months to see what happens.

[TheDoctor]

After about a month you wont feel and think the same ways and youll learn to see this situation from a new light and less addictive perspective...I promise

[sutton]

NC is NO CONTACT.

 

I am facing EXACTLY the same thing, and man, it's tough. Just stay strong and relaize that you will be OK and you will survive - you'll be better for this experience. You never know what the future holds - thats the beauty of life.

[das420]

I feel ya man. Keep your head up. Try to stay busy and use NC, to give her space and to give you space. You need to heal and this sounds harsh but try to make it "out of sight out of mind", in my case it is "abscence makes the heart grow fonder", but my break-up has been 2 months since the bomb and eventhough my ex and I communicate semi-frequentlly, I leave the contact up to her. I have had a cuple breakdowns, but we're only human.

 

I leave the contact up to her for two reasons: 1. She wanted the "break" (I'm treating it as a break up) so she can call me. 2. If I do call at an inopportune time like when she is hanging out with her friends, I will get my feelings hurt. Same goes for inviting her to do things, if and when she says no, or worse says yes and then backs out, IT WILL HURT. I know

 

Try not to think about what she is doing everyday, I know its hard, I still do it, but it becomes less tragic and more acceptable as each day passes. I hope you work it out, just try not to dwell on it too much. Stay BUSY

[Halfdman04]

Im in EXACTLY the same situation, i feel for you! i luv her and always will too! i knew this girl (Shell) for 8 years and she was my girlfriend for 5! during that time we got engaged in Paris cos we were so so in love. but out of the blue she left me over stupid arguments about going out cos she'd met new friends at uni!!! i asked her to tell me if there was someone else but she repeatedly said NO, over and over! i tried to sort things out and said i was sorry if id done things to make her unhappy and we could work it out, she took no notice at all, she told me that she didnt love me no more and the pain would go shortly if i stopped calling her!!! (she changed her number) it was a massive blow to hear her say these things! i went into a bad depression and realised what people meant when they said they were heartbroken! i was totally confused??? 2 months passed by an although i thought about her every day and didnt want to be living the life i was living cos i was so happy with her before we broke up, things were getting easier. i started enjoying myself meeting new friends and i was happy to realise several girls where interested in me! these girls would never be what i had with Shell but it was a comfort. it was getting on 4 months when i got a txt out of the blue saying it was shell and she changed her number cos she was stressed and how was i? my heart raced, i replied n told her i was fine n id been thinking about her! i left it at that and said to myself i wouldnt txt. i didnt txt!!! but i received txts off her last weekend (when she was out on the town, drunk! ) asking if im o.k n she misses me and would like me to be there with her & she defo wants to see me soon! i took this as an oppertunity to save what we had after a break cos id realised my mistakes. so i met her and she explained that she doesnt want to try again she wants to just be my FRIEND. she has messed my head up!, but i love her as stong as i did that day when i put that ring on her finger!!! but i cant be her friend cos i would always want her to be mine to hold and to kiss!! now im getting depressed & thinking of her again. i dont kno what to do either! i want her bck but she says she just wants to be friends AAARRRGGGHHH!!! just try n keep your chin up. there might still be hope yet. im clinging on to hope myself!! take care.

[WillAlwaysLoveHer]

Haven't posted in awhile as I didn't think anyone was still replying to this thread...I was wrong: much appreciated.

 

TheDoctor, I hope so. I just hate every minute that goes by.

 

Sutton, I know the future probably doesn't involve her. That's the part that's tough, as you said. I know I will be OK (after 10 years), but there's always that darn void in my heart.

 

das420, I am trying to stay busy as much as I can. To be honest, I've done "quite a bit" since then, but still not enough. I'm hoping to become a big brother and also adopt a dog - crappy thing is I doubt I have time for one. She's tried to contact me a few times, but like you said, I just dont' want to know what she's doing because I'm sure it'll make me feel like crap. But I DO want to know. Argh. It's driving me nuts.

 

Halfdman04, I'm sorry to hear that. Seems like you lost a lot more than I did. I can only imagine what's going through your mind. All I can say is do the same that everyone here has told me to do. Stay busy and dont' dwell on things too long. I, too, am clinging on to hope, even though I tell myself that I may not even want to get back in it because I DO NOT want it to happen again.

 

 

Anyway -

 

It's been two weeks since and I'm better, but still not competely. There were a few days that I "forgot about her" in the sense that I didn't feel hurt or sad. Haven't cried for over a week, which is good. But I still think of her everyday.

 

Last night (on July 4th) I felt really really sad; being with friends with SOs and people all around holding hands and feeling grateful. It sucked. I had to sit away from everyone to think alone. I thought maybe, just maybe, she'd call. But of course, no call. And tonight, I got the same butterfly feeling that I may not be with her anymore. And the obvious thing to say is, I'm NOT WITH her anymore. But I still want to be. Argh. This whole things sucks.

 

The only snippet of hope I'm clinging to is the last thing "my girl" said to me over IM: she does miss me. Don't know what to make of that "crap". Sigh. The only reason I don't think it means a whole lot is cuz her previous IMs were nothing more than stupid informational propaganda questions - nothing about us. So I ignored them all - didn't reply to them even though my fingers hovered over the keys.

 

*SIGH*

 

Off to bed.

[sutton]

wow. i can RELATE to all of this.

 

I have not spoken to my ex for 3-4 weeks and not seen her since i kicked her out of the house - 2 months-ish ago.

 

i think of her ALL OF THE TIME it seems.

and, like a dummy, i sent her an e-mail on the 3rd. i was away in austin and woke up missing her. BIG mistake. i opened my heart, she replied with a cruel, lashing out note. she is mad i'm siure because i ignored her for weeks and weeks.

 

so, i'm starting over ay step 1 - there is an e-mail in my box now from her that i have not opened. have not thrown it out yet either. but i plan to throw it away un-opened. arrgh. sigh. NC again.

 

on a good note, i keep meeting awesome chicks. i have never had a problem meeting women, but always seem to pick tthe wrong ones.

 

so, i am continuing to workout, work on my house, work, hang with friends...all fo the things we're supposed to do. it's freaking tough, but i know that i will get over her. she sucked anyway.

[WillAlwaysLoveHer]

I just dont' know how long I should do this NC for. It's been about 1.5 weeks. I see her from time to time on IM, and it seems like she's just waiting there for me to talk to her. Like I said before, she's IMed me before, but I just ignored them (though read them), so she might have gotten the "hint" that I'm not talking to her. She may even be waiting for me now to make the first move. But I dont' want to. Not at this moment anyway. I want her to IM me when she wants to talk about us. But now you got me thinking that perhaps she's mad now and not going to IM me anymore. ARGH! These stupid mind games.

 

She hasn't emailed me either. But then again, she never really emailed me much. But even if she did now, I would still read em, but just woudln't reply. I just have to know what she has to say argh...