Long Distance & Commitment Issue

[jsychk]

My boyfriend is 35 & I’m 29. Both of us have never married before. We met each other at work, which was 4 years ago. Then, we have maintained this long distance relationship for 2 years. We had some difficulties for the first 2 years, but our relationship becomes more stable after getting to know each other more.

 

He is very caring, protective & holds strong belief in family, and I totally adore him. He makes me feel very special. Although we live 280 miles apart (5 hours – one way), he almost visits me every weekend. We usually talk on the phone one or two hour(s) a day. We have met each other’s family, and his family accepts me wholeheartedly. When we are together, we are pretty happy. We talk about the future together & he said he wants to have a family.

 

However, he is still not sure about me & unable to have a commitment. His explanation is – I have some characteristics of my mother, which he is not sure about whether he can stand it for the rest of his life. I acknowledge that & read a lot of articles to improve my relationship skills. I don’t want to leave him when I think there is a chance or hope. What scares me the most is, he is very comfortable being alone. He could go on for 10 years without a girlfriend. He even said if we break up, it would only take him a week to go back to his previous stage.

 

His aunt actually said I must be very special because he is VERY PICKY. His mother told him “he is a lucky boy” to be with me. I am devastated. I surely see a future with him, and I am so ready to move onto the next stage of life. Unfortunately, he just wants me to hang in there as long as he pleases/wishes.

 

I just don’t know if I should keep investing or backing off. I tried to break up with him few times because he is unable to commit. Then, I couldn’t stand it & often call him back. Any advice please?

 

Thanks!

JSYCHK

[Trinity1607306450]

Hi there.

I was once in a relationship where I wanted to move forward and he

was happy the way things were; I didn't doubt his love but I did doubt

his ability to commit. I chose to move on and eventually found someone

who loved me and was willing to make a commitment.

As women, things bother us more at certain times of the month than at others. I've read that women are at their most intuitive at these times and shouldn't ignore these instinctive feelings. No one can tell you what to do because they aren't the ones who would have to live with the decision. Only you know what to do, despite your confused state of mind right now.

It's obvious you love this guy and it sounds like he loves you too. But it sounds like this isn't enough for you, and that's pefectly alright. I wonder why your boyfriend tells you that he would be perfectly fine if the two of you were to break up? Does he truly mean this or is he trying to protect his feelings? If he really means what he says then it sounds like maybe you deserve someone who holds you in a much higher regard. Just my opinion. Good luck and God bless.

[jsychk]

Hi, Trinity!

 

Thanks for your response.

 

My boyfriend tells me that he would be perfectly fine if we were to break up. I guess he is trying to protect his feelings. Well, we have broken up few times because I couldn’t stand not having a commitment from him. For the first time, he cried. He hadn’t cried since his grandfather died couple years ago. Now, I guess he might be used to the breakup & thus guard his feelings very much. When I met him, he didn’t show much emotion at all; he doesn’t open himself to other people. Or, maybe, he is really a simple person in the world.

 

I know it’s not healthy to break up so many times because it only damages the relationship. I tried to drill down the problem & solve it to get out of this loop. The only cause for those breakups is COMMITMENT. When you said you doubted your ex-boyfriend’s ability to commit, I thought about that, too. However, when I asked my boyfriend about it, he said he has no problem to commit. He is just not sure if we will be able to live happily for the rest of our lives, just like his parents. They have never argued as long as he lived under their roof.

 

I’m very confused. After we broke up, I feel how much I love him & wanna improve myself. After we get back together for 6 months, my resentment built up for not getting a commitment.

 

Thanks for your reading & support! You don’t know how much it means to me.

 

THANKS!

JSYCHK

[simulacra]

Maybe your boyfriend is afraid of ending up in a relationship like what his parents have. It's not so much the fear of commitment as the fear that you will be unhappy some point down the line. Maybe boredom is a better word for it. I think in his own way, he doesn't want to tie you down. Maybe a guy's position on this matter is a bit different. He'd rather be happy with you than create a false status for the world (ie. to be a married couple and have relationship issues). And maybe he is the traditional type to want to stick to his word (ie. stay true to his marriage commitment despite marital problems) and is afraid that both of you will be unhappy somehow and not be able to get out of the situation.

[sonja]

I dont' think your voyfriend has committment issues. I rather believe that he has this perfect notion of love, idealistic to an extent. You don't need to try any harder, you love him and that should be enough for him to commit. Surely he loves you and so does his family. Be very open with him and I am sure things will work out great for you. I really hope it does.

Best of luck,

sonja

[jsychk]

Hi, Simulacra & Sonja!

 

Thank you for your insights. I hope it’s not too late to reply!

 

My boyfriend told me that he wants to have a marriage like his parents & grandparents. I know his parents have been married for over 40 years, and they still do things & go on vacation together. He often said his grandparents were perfect together. I like his positive view on marriage, but I don’t know if it’s realistic or not because we live in a different world now. Like Sonja said, maybe he just has this perfect notion of love, idealistic to an extent.

 

Simulacra, my boyfriend did say we might be unhappy some point down the line, or he doesn’t want to tie me down. Yes, he is the traditional type to stay true to his marriage commitment despite marital problems. I also think he is very afraid we will be unhappy and he won’t be able to get out of the situation. His aunt e-mailed me & kept telling me that he just wants both of us to be sure because this is a lifetime decision, but how long does he take to be sure?! Is 4-year not enough? Does "happy ever after" sound too fairy tale?

 

I understand his worries, but how can I help him? What should I do? I suggested that we might seek counselor and work on our communication issues. Despite of his unwillingness, our long-distance relationship doesn’t help either because no counselor works on weekend.

 

I’ll appreciate any comment and/or advice!

 

THANKS,

JSYCHK

[sonja]

Your boyfriend has a very secure and permanent notion of love. That security is based on his upbringing, namely, the perfect relationship of his parents and grandparents. It is a good thing in a way because he believes in a "happily ever after" kind of relationship. This is also the reason why he is so unsure to take the next step. He needs some sort of assurance from you. You may want to tell him that even if there is a problem between you two after marriage, your love will be strong enough to overcome it, that you will sort it out together. He should know that no relationship is free of worries and troubles, yes, even the most perfect ones. Those who know how to tackle their problem in a mature way come out as winners.

I hope this helped. Wish you the very best.

sonja

[jsychk]

Hey, Sonja!

 

You are too sweet! Thanks for sharing your thinking with me.

 

I told my boyfriend that no relationship has no argument, but he doesn’t think we could solve the conflicts peacefully. Again, he is very hard-headed (his father seems to be like that, too) and I am very emotional. That’s why I think it’s better for a counselor (as a neutral person) to improve our communication skills & give us some guidelines to go by.

 

Recently, we always get in this power struggling. For example, he always makes sure he will keep his hobby as part of his retirement and vehicles (all V-8 engine) to keep him happy. For me, I just want to save everything possible (even the extra car insurance), get a nice house (i.e. good neighborhood) and provide for our children.

 

Do you still think giving assurance would help???

 

THANKS,

JSYCHK

[simulacra]

I think both of you have your own dreams (hobby + house) for your future and both also want each other to be in it. That doesn't seem to be such a daunting task to coordinate. Just be open with him about what you see. Let him know that you understand his dreams and hobbies and also let him know that you have your dreams for a happy ending for the two of you too. You need to sit down and prioritize all the things that the two of you want in your lives in the future.

 

Another thing that might be in the back of his mind as a male is that he's afraid that he won't be able to provide for you in the longterm (financially). He might be afraid that he can't finance his hobbies as well as giving you everything that you dream of.

 

But definitely assure him that regardless, you will want to work things out with him and that you'll be there through thick and thin.

[jsychk]

Hey, simulacra!

 

Thanks for your insights and support. Maybe, I have already known what I should do. You are welcome to e-mail me because it's really enjoyable talking to you.

 

THANKS,

JSYCHK