jsychk

Sometimes, I have this thought, too, because I am going through similar process like you... But, don't be silly! Please seek help from professional, and/or some supportive friends. When I feel desperate enough, I like to call my friends or send a message here. I find a lot of friendly & supportive folks out there. Five years later, when you look back, you would feel how silly you think like this today. Just think about it! LOTS OF HUGS!!! Good luck, JSYCHK

Hey, simulacra! Thanks for your insights and support. Maybe, I have already known what I should do. You are welcome to e-mail me because it's really enjoyable talking to you. THANKS, JSYCHK

Hey, Sonja! You are too sweet! Thanks for sharing your thinking with me. I told my boyfriend that no relationship has no argument, but he doesn’t think we could solve the conflicts peacefully. Again, he is very hard-headed (his father seems to be like that, too) and I am very emotional. That’s why I think it’s better for a counselor (as a neutral person) to improve our communication skills & give us some guidelines to go by. Recently, we always get in this power struggling. For example, he always makes sure he will keep his hobby as part of his retirement and vehicles (all V-8 engine) to keep him happy. For me, I just want to save everything possible (even the extra car insurance), get a nice house (i.e. good neighborhood) and provide for our children. Do you still think giving assurance would help??? THANKS, JSYCHK

Hi, Simulacra & Sonja! Thank you for your insights. I hope it’s not too late to reply! My boyfriend told me that he wants to have a marriage like his parents & grandparents. I know his parents have been married for over 40 years, and they still do things & go on vacation together. He often said his grandparents were perfect together. I like his positive view on marriage, but I don’t know if it’s realistic or not because we live in a different world now. Like Sonja said, maybe he just has this perfect notion of love, idealistic to an extent. Simulacra, my boyfriend did say we might be unhappy some point down the line, or he doesn’t want to tie me down. Yes, he is the traditional type to stay true to his marriage commitment despite marital problems. I also think he is very afraid we will be unhappy and he won’t be able to get out of the situation. His aunt e-mailed me & kept telling me that he just wants both of us to be sure because this is a lifetime decision, but how long does he take to be sure?! Is 4-year not enough? Does "happy ever after" sound too fairy tale? I understand his worries, but how can I help him? What should I do? I suggested that we might seek counselor and work on our communication issues. Despite of his unwillingness, our long-distance relationship doesn’t help either because no counselor works on weekend. I’ll appreciate any comment and/or advice! THANKS, JSYCHK

Hi, Trinity! Thanks for your response. My boyfriend tells me that he would be perfectly fine if we were to break up. I guess he is trying to protect his feelings. Well, we have broken up few times because I couldn’t stand not having a commitment from him. For the first time, he cried. He hadn’t cried since his grandfather died couple years ago. Now, I guess he might be used to the breakup & thus guard his feelings very much. When I met him, he didn’t show much emotion at all; he doesn’t open himself to other people. Or, maybe, he is really a simple person in the world. I know it’s not healthy to break up so many times because it only damages the relationship. I tried to drill down the problem & solve it to get out of this loop. The only cause for those breakups is COMMITMENT. When you said you doubted your ex-boyfriend’s ability to commit, I thought about that, too. However, when I asked my boyfriend about it, he said he has no problem to commit. He is just not sure if we will be able to live happily for the rest of our lives, just like his parents. They have never argued as long as he lived under their roof. I’m very confused. After we broke up, I feel how much I love him & wanna improve myself. After we get back together for 6 months, my resentment built up for not getting a commitment. Thanks for your reading & support! You don’t know how much it means to me. THANKS! JSYCHK

My boyfriend is 35 & I’m 29. Both of us have never married before. We met each other at work, which was 4 years ago. Then, we have maintained this long distance relationship for 2 years. We had some difficulties for the first 2 years, but our relationship becomes more stable after getting to know each other more. He is very caring, protective & holds strong belief in family, and I totally adore him. He makes me feel very special. Although we live 280 miles apart (5 hours – one way), he almost visits me every weekend. We usually talk on the phone one or two hour(s) a day. We have met each other’s family, and his family accepts me wholeheartedly. When we are together, we are pretty happy. We talk about the future together & he said he wants to have a family. However, he is still not sure about me & unable to have a commitment. His explanation is – I have some characteristics of my mother, which he is not sure about whether he can stand it for the rest of his life. I acknowledge that & read a lot of articles to improve my relationship skills. I don’t want to leave him when I think there is a chance or hope. What scares me the most is, he is very comfortable being alone. He could go on for 10 years without a girlfriend. He even said if we break up, it would only take him a week to go back to his previous stage. His aunt actually said I must be very special because he is VERY PICKY. His mother told him “he is a lucky boy” to be with me. I am devastated. I surely see a future with him, and I am so ready to move onto the next stage of life. Unfortunately, he just wants me to hang in there as long as he pleases/wishes. I just don’t know if I should keep investing or backing off. I tried to break up with him few times because he is unable to commit. Then, I couldn’t stand it & often call him back. Any advice please? Thanks! JSYCHK