I just want to say enough and walk away

[LAYAAN]

My relationships with colleagues/school friends are getting to a point where I will snap some day at them. I'm kinda a loner. I don't need company to go for lunch, shopping, etc. I like privacy and don't like to talk about my problems with my school friends. I'm also quiet and prefer to mind my business.

1) Friend A - constantly tired, frustrated with the world, people around. She is like raw open nerve, and can fly off the handle any time, runs her mouth all the time and lets it run loose at times. Never happy, calm. Unfortunately works just next door and comes to talk to me whenever she feels like deloading the emotional burden. My boss spotted her several times sitting in my office and finally said "Oh, its like I'm always pushing you out of Tinu's office." Does not take any advice I give her when she tells me about some problems in her life. Complains that I don't hang out with her, give her hugs, etc. If I'm dealing with an aggressive person and if they just don't want to see my point of view, I just back off and let them do whatever. I do this to save myself from wasting my energy on people that have a fixed minset. Why bother trying to help them see a different point of view that might help them if they are not open to it? That is why I always lose an argument with A.

2) Friend B - will constantly judge and criticize others. Always has this "holier than thou" attitude. Literally thrives on gossip and sharing news about others with me.

3) Friend C - I spent 6 hours talking (I can't believe myself) to her. It was like going around the same mountain over n over. She vents to me about her BF/EX/whatever that relationship is.

Talking to these people drains my energy. I take their problems personally. Honestly, I don't want to spend time with them in/outside school. I prefer to walk to my dorm for lunch and eat lunch alone, watch TV, etc. I'm studying for a test and that keeps me busy outside my program.

How do I handle these 'friends'? I have been avoiding them lately. If they ask me to go here, there with them, I don't. I just want to cut them off entirely from my life.

[annie24]

ugh. Tinu, i think especially with friend A, you're going to have to set boundaries. you are trying to finish your PhD, this is not the time or the place for you to be playing therapist to A. I think next time she comes in your office, start a timer for 5 minutes, let her talk. when it goes off, tell her you're sorry but you have an experiment to run, some emails to answer, some CVs to send, or whatever. Keep repeating this. Just tell her nicely that you'd love to talk but are very busy.

 

As for your friends who keep talking about the same thing, i've had this problem on ENA before where some members will PM to keep asking for advice about the same thing. I finally got to the point where i would say, "My advice on your situation is ....... That is all, I have no more to add to that subject. However, if you want to talk about something else, you are more than welcome to ask me. But I don't want to talk about x anymore.'' It's a little harsh, but i think some tough love is needed for your sanity.

 

Finally, if you don't want to lose touch with these people, but don't want them to drive you crazy either, i think you should schedule outings with them in advance. like say lunch on a certain day, or coffee or ice cream or something once every few weeks. if they try to call you mid-week, just tell them, "I'm so sorry, i don't have time to talk now, but look forward to seeing you on Saturday for lunch!"

 

good luck

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Annie.

Yes, boundaries. right.

Also, I don't want to hang out with any of them anytime (with/without an appointment) outside school related work, because they constantly talk about their problems. Who likes to hear negative stuff? May be I'm a bad friend, but all this drains me. Also, they don't take my suggestions anyways.

So, why bother? I don't talk to them about my issues either unless I'm really looking for advice. I don't discuss my dating adventures, my issues with men with anyone. Just don't want to anymore. I just want my degree Annie and get the hell out of this place. Its really getting to that point.

 

I told A, call me if you want to talk, but don't be seen near my desk. I want to focus on my school work when I'm here. I don't even browse internet when I'm in lab.

[annie24]

if the friendship is draining you, it's probably better to walk away. or, gradually drift away. like if they want to meet up, tell them you are busy and will try to call them when you have some time. it's not an excuse as you are genuinely busy.

[penelope13]

Just to be the devils advocate: in comparison to your friends, do you think YOU are a positive person, you take advice well, never encounter the same problem twice?

 

What I am trying to say: it's easy to judge others, and whatever their faults, at least you have some friends. I don't think it's beneficial to you to distance yourself further and to become even more of a loner. Friends means social activities and the opportunity to meet more people which could be interesting on a social or professional level.

[LAYAAN]

Just to be the devils advocate: in comparison to your friends, do you think YOU are a positive person, you take advice well, never encounter the same problem twice?

What I am trying to say: it's easy to judge others, and whatever their faults, at least you have some friends. I don't think it's beneficial to you to distance yourself further and to become even more of a loner. Friends means social activities and the opportunity to meet more people which could be interesting on a social or professional level.

 

Sure, I was myself thinking about all this as I was writing my post. To answer your Q. No, I'm not always positive, I don't always take advice well, I do encounter the same problem over n over. So, yes, I'm not an angel.

However, there are positive aspects of my personality.

- I dont' bark at my friends when they tell me not to do something. I let them say what they want to say, ask Qs, and process it in my head when I'm by myself. I may not like what others tell me, but what matters to me is that my friends look out for me. I see things from their perspective because they mean well.

- I have a desire to change and make myself a better person. I don't live on drama.

- I don't go to other people's desks and hog their time and start automatically deloading my problems onto them.

- I don't talk badly about someone's poor choices to someone else.

- I don't tell others "You don't hang out with me, You don't hug me, that's why I go back to my BF." No friendship can take place of a love relationship. That is a different relationship altogether.

 

I'm not suggesting what my friends should do. I can't, they are not my kids. There are adult women with their own mind. I'm only talking about how their interaction with me is affecting me. I am put in a tough spot. I can't be a good friend and let them continue the stupidity, and I can't continue talking to them and let them burden me with their stuff. So, what do I do then?

[annie24]

yeah, you are just going to have to practice your boundaries. tell them you can talk to them for 10 minutes, but then you have to go back to work. then they are happy that they got to talk and unload, and you are happy you don't have to listen anymore.

[catfeeder]

Hard to tell whether these friends are vampires or whether your ultra self-sufficiency (or possibly passivity) has deprived you of some valuable information.

 

One way to find out: pick a problem to dissect. Next time one of these friends contacts you for a rant, take control of the conversation and pull off a nice, fat monologue of your own.

 

If any of them turn patient and demo a willingness to walk through your stuff with you AND they still remain willing to contact you again in the future, you'll have the option of building a balanced friendship--or not. (Nothing lost, info gained.)

 

If, on the other hand, any of the friends reacts to your table-turn by packing up her nonsense and taking it somewhere else, then you've just dumped her without ever needing to dump her--and you've proven to yourself exactly why.

 

It helps to avoid lumping everyone who bugs you into the same category. Invest in a percentage play, and your answers will work themselves out without another scrap of effort needed from you.

 

Best of luck with your studies.

[annie24]

hahah! I love it! start with your own monologue! that will weed out the fake friends.