No More Mysteries

[Reality_Check]

I've been in a longterm relationship for about 8 years, and although most of it has been awesome, the past year or so has lacked the chemistry we once shared. This was around the time we were engaged. Since then, he's stopped hanging out with his friends. Plans we've made together (like head to the movies, go out for dinner, to the zoo, etc.etc.) have been cancelled because of work. I don't remember the last time he went out somewhere without me. He's become really needy, to the point where I can't go anywhere without him.

 

I've tried approaching the topic with him as far as his socail life is concerned by suggesting he join clubs, or head out with "the guys" more as I feel like he's lost his independance and some of his mysteriousness (things that attracted me to him), without any luck. I think that over time, this neediness has affected our chemistry as I'm not as attracted to him as I once was.

 

Worse, I've been finding myself daydreaming about other men as our relationship has lacked intimacy. I haven't cheated on him in any way, and I don't want to loose/end our relationship. But I feel like if something doesn't change, then...while I don't really know what will happen.

 

Does anyone have suggestions/advice for how to get him to become more independent, and to go out without me by his side all the time?

[-Sanguine-]

How does he react when you approach him about becoming more independent?

 

All it took for me to know I had to get my act together was when my boyfriend told me he needed space, some time to himself and to do his own thing. I suffocated him a bit and I'm working on it and things are getting better.

[Reality_Check]

He's really sensitive and defensive about it. I'm not a cruel b**** by nature, so I have a hard time brining up the topic to him. Typically, he's reaction is along the lines of "yeah, I should go out more" or "I should give so-and-so a call"...but then that's it. There isn't any action. I hate brining it up to him because it makes him depressed; I can tell it hurts him and I don't want to do that. But I know that I have to talk to him about it if I want something to change.

[-Sanguine-]

He's really sensitive and defensive about it. I'm not a cruel b**** by nature, so I have a hard time brining up the topic to him. Typically, he's reaction is along the lines of "yeah, I should go out more" or "I should give so-and-so a call"...but then that's it. There isn't any action. I hate brining it up to him because it makes him depressed; I can tell it hurts him and I don't want to do that. But I know that I have to talk to him about it if I want something to change.

 

If he's anything like me, he's going to say those things and not do anything about it UNTIL he realizes that it's becoming a threat to his relationship.

That's how I saw it. I always told myself.. I need to make more friends, etc, go out more.. but if my boyfriend had had no problem with me being completely into him and a bit clingy, I never would have tried to change. Then, he started pulling away and wanting less time with me and I knew I had crowded him and pushed him away. That's when I realized I needed to change.

 

I know you don't want to hurt him and the fact that he gets defensive about it makes it that much harder. But I really don't think he will do anything to change unless he knows that this is really important to you and he needs to change in order for you to be happy.

[faithful14]

Maybe you could call up his friends and get them to come take him out. He needs someone to push him or he'll continue to behave the same.

[lkm370]

I dont think its him being needly thats making you lose attraction to him I think your just falling out of love and this relationship has run its course, i mean, you've been together 8 years and your still unsure if this is the guy you want to be with?

 

Its very simple, youve lost your attraction to him so you start to notice things before that didnt bother you about him that now do, for example, you might have though it was sweet of him to spend every day with you, but now since youve fallen out of love, you find traits like that annoying, and you use that as justification of why the relationship is failing. The Reality is the relationship has just run its course, i mean its been 8 years, i think you should break up.

[Clarity]

I dont think its him being needly thats making you lose attraction to him I think your just falling out of love and this relationship has run its course, i mean, you've been together 8 years and your still unsure if this is the guy you want to be with?

 

Its very simple, youve lost your attraction to him so you start to notice things before that didnt bother you about him that now do, for example, you might have though it was sweet of him to spend every day with you, but now since youve fallen out of love, you find traits like that annoying, and you use that as justification of why the relationship is failing. The Reality is the relationship has just run its course, i mean its been 8 years, i think you should break up.

 

Just curious, have you been in a relationship longer than 8 years and, if so, were the fires still burning as strongly after 8 years as in the beginning?

 

My longest relationship was 7 years and in my opinion it's just natural that some of the "mystery" is gone after you spend so much time with a person. Long-term relationships and marriages, despite what the movies and media tell you, take work and effort, even for the best of them. Ask any couple that's been married for 20-30 years. You're not going to find some magical person who will effortlessly attract you for the rest of your lives.

 

OP, you sound like a very nice woman and maybe a bit afraid of hurting your fiance. I think it's time to bite the bullet and hurt him a little now (tell him everything you've told us), so that you give him a real chance (with a shock to put him into action) to get his act together. Be careful about it and make sure you re-assure him that you WANT it to work out.

 

I had a similar situation with my fiance, but she did not handle the ending very well. She told me she wanted space, that she wanted to postpone our wedding - all because I wasn't as fun as I used to be, etc. - very similar to your situation. She was hurtful in how she did it though, hanging out with her friends more, making me a lesser priority in her life. I went into NC, got my act together, but by the time she realized that she wanted me back, I had lost my feelings for her.

 

So my advice is to be honest, yet supportive. Give him enough reasons to change (you are having doubts), but show him that you are willing to work with him to make it through this together.

 

I wish you all the best.

[salsipuedes]

How about you telling him exactly what you have stated in this forum? Of course, without saying that you are daydreaming about other men.....that could really hurt him.

 

Please remember that this relationship is his responsibility too, that you are BOTH in it and you don't have to fix and adjust the relationship problems single handedly.

 

He does have the right and the obligation to know where he stands and how you feel. And he also deserves the chance to be asked HOW HE IS FEELING ABOUT THIS STAGE OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

 

It's in his best interest to KNOW what fascinated you about him.... what you find seductive, interesting, what ignites your interest and to on.....in short, to remind him of what attracted you to him in the first place! And in the same way, ask him WHAT HE REALLY LOVES AND APPRECIATES ABOUT YOU............ask him if there is anything you used to do/say that he misses now.

 

I don't think this necessarily means that you are falling out of love, I just believe that you both are going through a stage of a relationship, like everybody......

 

So, cheer up, talk nicely to your sweetheart, without accusations, just tell him what you really MISS about your relationship, and how much you enjoyed certain things......you will be amazed at what positive motivation can accomplish........instead of reproaches and nagging!

 

You know, a relationship is teamwork, you can only see how you can be part of the solution, or become part of the problem. What is your choice?

 

Take care and hugs,

Gab