My success story, for those who hurt.

[MatthewS]

Hi guys and Gals,

 

I thought I would take a brief bit of time to tell you a little bit about my success story recently to provide some hope and inspiration to those of you going through this, possibly for the first time.

 

I loved and lost more than my fair share in life. I remember the first time, but no longer feel the pain, or even miss this person. Once in a while I reminice about the puppy love we had, and then I got older and into the more serious loves. But that person, and those thereafter and behind me now and so is the pain.

 

My last GF was the one I thought was really meant to be. I waited until I was 32 to come to the conclusion that I finally got the right one. We finished each others sentences, always knew what the other was thinking with a single glance; It was just that perfect. We even had strange coincidences that somehow tied our lives together always pop up; Ie. Her mother would call and say nearly the same thing to her that my mother said that day to me. We would take after work and the stories would come up and it was so bizarre we we're convinced in 'soul mates' really existing and that we had found one another. Our lives seemed to paralell each other and it was indescribable.

 

My future was finally set in stone, and Marriage we both agreed upon. Until the night I had a stroke. The stoke went undiagnosed and untreated for what would be nearly 2 years of our relationship. I was not left physically disabled, but unable to think clearly, or tolerate this nice muggy weather we're having right now. The kind of symptoms where I would appear fine to you, But I no longer feel fine. This became the test of our bond in the time to follow as I frantically searched from doctor to doctor for a proper diagnosis and treatment plan.

 

During this time I was not depressed as much distraught. I still paid her mind and did like a good man would do, but was very interested in my heath at the time for obvious reasons, and she began to behave as if she wished it wasn't happening to us. She wanted to be young and lively, and I just wanted to get myself right and get treatment for my symptoms so I could do the same. I didn't obsess, but an untreated undiagnosed stroke puts you at risk for a major debilitating stroke and I managed to get away without having it for 2 years before I got my treatment. I was lucky, and still not even 80% right but you wouldn't never know it to see me.

 

However it took a toll on us. I could see in her eyes she really wasn't ready for this sort of thing so soon. She began to question me, our future, and began with the 'I don't know what I want' talk. It was very clear after some time that she wanted to have a good time, and I spent too much time learning anatomy to fight for my diagnosis and possibly life to be constantly wandering about the city living it up as she would rather be doing.

 

She didn't want to stand by my side, or help in any way she could. She offered help, but when I infrequently tried to cash in on that offer she sighed as if it were a burden. She just wanted the nightmare to go away. At the time she began with the 'I don't know what I want' talk, I was almost certain she found someone else who obviously didn't have my unforeseen problems. We ended up taking a little break starting with a month NC, and then eventually casual emails and texts.

 

She was a bit of a loner, and I felt it was time for me to get out and do some more of that 'living' in case I never got my diagnosis. So I offered to take her out one night to get her out of the house as well as myself. She agreed and we had the kind of time we had from day 1. Henceforth every mini-date thereafter we had a blast despite how I felt physically and my concerns in regards to my situation.

 

Mind you how difficult this was for me to do to throw caution to the wind, risk my health and take her back out clubbing till 2am (I love to dance). I eventually won her back because she felt I was 'finally the guy she fell in love with again' And I felt in my heart we we're too right to allow petty differences tear us apart. I felt she was just being immature and would grow out of it if we could just pull through this. I would find out some months later; I was wrong.

 

As she re-entered my life things could not have been better. I was growing close to getting the diagnosis I needed, we we're still 'living life' and the romance and passion were on fire again. However, having a blocked artery causing a blood defficiency to my brain had it's effects. Clouded conciousness, brain fog, and short term memory loss being some of the worst.

 

One night, she made a nice dinner for us. I ended up taking a late working job because I just plain forgot. This started the domino effect all over again. I missed the dinner, ate on the road home and she was livid. I couldn't seem to apologize my way out of it and tried to explain how sorry I was and that I would never do it carelessly I just had a hard time remembering things at the time. She harbored that angst. So time went by and I messed up my checking balance because of this. Mind you this was of no burden to her. I asked her for no help, made the money right by myself, and we didn't co-mingle our funds. In reality it was none of her business, but I mentioned it in a casual conversation and she freaked.

 

My thinking was she was becoming concerned about the possibility of this never ending, and I can't blame her for thinking about it. On the other hand she witnessed how diligently I worked to get this right. I remember writing her little notes telling her how much I loved her and that we would get through this, and to hang in there because it would be worth it and make us stronger. She use to keep the notes in her purse, so I know they meant something to her. But she couldn't resist the self-questioning.

 

In may of 2009 I had a small TIA while seeing the doctors that would finally diagnose me. I was admitted to the stroke unit for observation, they finally gave me the tests I asked so many other doctors for and confirmed the arterial damage. The timing was aweful as she planned to visit her brother and ended up either mad, or worried, or both that she was away and I was in a stroke unit. I reassured her not to worry about me, to go, to have a good time, and I would see her when I got out.

 

They started me on my Wafarin drip and I was on my way to finding out what was permanent and what was not. I had 7 days to reflect upon my life in there, she returned by day 5. When she came to visit me, I barely recognized her. She looked at me concerned one minute and like a deer in headlights the next; Very detached. It was then I knew it was my turn to question 'us' and I spent the remaining two days there after she left doing so.

 

I began to examine how I was treated, the lack of devotion to someone she 'wanted to marry'. Constantly questioning my decisions and my resolve when I clearly demonstrated great strength. And then the ultimate audacity to expect me to make it all better amidst knowing for 2 years I could die if I wasn't diagnosed soon. I knew several months in what had happened to me, but passing clinical exams and my age put doctors in the position to ignore the possibility it had happened to me. I taught myself the anatomy, and knew what I faced. And I went out and lived and tried to save what i thought was the love of my life regardless. And yet she had no appreciation for this kind of man offering a dedication of his life to her. I had become 'not a great choice' in her eyes. I think she is increadibly foolish.

 

I left the hospital with little improvement in some of my symptoms and a lot in some. I am still working day by day and now on meds to combat some of the ill effects. People look absolutely shocked when I tell them I had a brain stem stroke at age 30, I really appear the function that well. She wanted us to hang out and spend time together, but it was my turn to be angry. So I denied her the visit for that weekend.

 

Now I cannot give every detail here, you would be reading a book, you nearly are now. But take what you read and feel, even imagine my disgust when I came to my own realizations about this woman I loved so much given what I went through. I got her, lost her, fought for everything I had to get her back, and now I was going to be the one to make her mind up for her. We we're together nearly 3 years.

 

On May 25th 2009 I said goodbye to someone who blinded me with a love I thought would never end. I was no longer blind. Angry as hell I changed the locks and literally shipped her effects back to her moms house where she ended up after I made her keys useless. I denied her the ability to come say goodbye to our home, pets, or even me face to face. She was hardly worth the phone call at this point in my mind. We settled up affairs quickly, and I never contacted her again. It only took about 2 weeks to settle everything up and I went NC.

 

I kept a few things between us lingering in a box, and a special gift she had crafted for me on my wall. As time went by (over a year now) The pain lessened as I focused on myself, self-improvement, and literally removed myself from the dating scene. I did not want to branch swing to another woman, or a rebound as some know it. I learned a lot from ENA and I applied it here this time around to put it to the test. I accepted no obstacles and just 'did it' no matter how I felt.

 

Eventually this gift came off the wall and went into storage. I didn't knwo what to do with it as it is beautiful and hand crafted. So one day two weeks ago I took a step I felt in my heart I was ready to take. I emailed her and asked her if she wanted it back or if I had her permission to destroy it in good conscience explaining to her that I hated to contact her out of the blue so long in the future about it, but it was time to deal with it and I couldn't bring myself to pitch it without asking. I feel very strongly about things people make. I wished her happiness and said goodbye with kind regards. I broughtup no other subject or offered no other information. it really was all about that gift.

 

I was emailed back and told to save the postage and just pitch it. She then proceeded to mention she didn't keep anything from out time together, was going back to school in fall and getting married next June! Her email was formatted as if a 10yr old wrote it with zero formality or decency involved. I won't get into what 'offering' that additional information says to me, and you don't need to offer your opinion on it either as it's pretty obvious =) There is too much speculation on already having a wedding date with someone else set within a year. He was either around towards the end, all along, since the stoke, or she just took a good offer after the fact. Regardless of the circumstances, one thing I am about to tell you is whats important here:

 

I DON'T CARE ONE DAMN BIT! =) =) =)

 

Thats right ENA, It didn't hurt. I followed the steps no matter how hard. I stuck to my guns, worked on myself, didn't go for any 'rebounds' and didn't contact her until I felt absolutely comfortable with what i might hear in return. and IT WORKS. I was dreadfully lonely, distraught, had no real closure, and feeling hopeless at first. As worse case as it gets! Thats all gone now! No matter the depth of the love, the intensity of the situation, or just how hard it is; IT WORKS. Some will take longer than others, but you *WILL* move on!

 

Do NOT break the routine. Do whatever it takes and let my story be a lesson. There is hope no matter how you feel. Read the stories here and LEARN from them. Learn to be a better you. Learn what a 'healthy' relationship really looks like. Learn just how strong YOU can be! Even when you think you don't have it in you; YOU DO. You just don't know it yet, and you WANT to find out! I had everything one day, and nothing the next. And here I am completely unaffected by what I heard and ready to enter the dating poll again. And I will enter wiser, more mature, more determined, more focused, and far more eligable.

 

In the last year I zeroed my entire debt. At age 33 I own everything I possess and have NOTHING on my credit report. I work ONE day a week and sustain my lifestyle with the other 6 free to do what I like. I made myself a better me in my free time, got my affairs in order, and fulfilled my commitments to others past. I rekindled friendship with old friends too! Nothing but GOOD comes from this! Do not deviate and you have my word as a fellow heart out there!

 

I will continue to linger, read and offer what I can to help here. I owe ENA a lot. I will start with a Thank you! and end by wishing you all the best of luck! You can do it! hang in there!

 

- Matt

[Carus]

Brilliant....*

[stu1973]

Absolutely awesome post Matt!

 

Maybe should be made a sticky for all newcomers.

 

Sounds like you have your life well and truly in order. I'm hesitant to say this, because I'm not sure I believe it my case, but I reckon there really is someone incredible for you out there, who'll appreciate you in the way your ex didn't ( I have to be honest, I found her lack of empathy quite frankly appaling. ).

 

A guy with your positive attitude and proactive spirit won't be alone for long, of that I'm sure.

[surfNski]

Thanks for sharing, I love hearing positive stories where the person does the healing on their own and doesnt "see the light" when someone new suddenly comes into their lives. Its been over a year since my ex fiancee left and its been a long hard road but I am healing. Its funny that your ex felt the need to mention she was getting married thats something mine would do.

In the last year I have done alot of work on myself as well and have done pretty good with the exception of some rebounds and some effect from that. I have stayed NC, have seen her twice for school and kept it together both times (I fell apart when I got home). So, yes you can heal, I am not there yet but stories like yours keep us going.

Thanks man.

[pumpkinmoon]

That was very inspirational and I enjoyed reading it. I am sorry about what happened to you and how long it took to get diagnosed but I am glad you did in the end and that you are doing so well now. I cannot believe that someone you were with for so long could do anything alse but stand by your side. Absolutely terrible.

 

I also think it's great that you were able to look at the relationship from your point of view and realise that she wasn't really who you thought she was and have the balls to do something about it. Far too many people put up with crap in relationships that make them unhappy, I know because I was one of them.

 

It sounds like you are set for a great life! And I want to thank you for taking the time to post this.

[BriarRose]

Matthew,

 

This thread really hits home because someone I loved wasn't there for me during my illness and chemo. At the time, it really hurt and still does, but I realize - like you did - that I am better off without someone who feels so little devotion towards me.

 

Kudos to your strength....

[ElleB]

This is inspirational.. As someone going through counselling and treatment for anxiety disorder and callously abandoned by my ex, this post really resonates.

Congratulations on regaining your life again. I hope one day I can look back and be even an ounce as ok as you are. x

[FootofGod]

Wow, sounds like she harbored resentment for you. How can you be the person to be abandoning someone in a time of health crisis not once but TWICE and pretend for a second that that person victimized you by saying they've had enough. I mean, I couldn't be that selfish if I tried with all my being.

 

Amazing story, though. Good for you, glad you came out tip-top!

[MatthewS]

Thank you, and your welcome guys

 

You will all come out on top of whatever it is your going through.

 

- Matt

 

PS. Don't forget NC INCLUDES Facebook!

[Carus]

I would say especially Facebook!

 

But dont forget that FB is a false reality....

 

What I mean by that is that people do not post pictures of themselves having an argument with their partner,or paying bills, or being off work sick, or..., or,...etc...

 

So remember that if you ever do find yourself taking a sneak peek....

 

Ever Forward

K2*