Trying not to think about the ex or new ways of thinking

[Leveller]

It has been about 18 months for me after the breakup. Not a day goes by where I haven't thought about her. Not a day has gone by where I have not tried to make sense of the situation - and it still makes no sense on any level beyond this. She was in an abusive relationship for 10 years, had a dysfunctional childhood which she never properly processed and she has gone back to a controlling relationship with a man who cannot hold a candle to me in any respect in the long term.

 

Many have found ways of processing their breakup but I find myself holding on to this one because it makes no sense to me on any level. If I truly believed it was over I could move on (as I have in the past). I could well be fooling myself but can't shake this feeling - particularly as I have always been the one to stop talking/interacting to/with her.

 

I have moved on with my life in all other respects. I now have a very good job, a house 300 metres from the sea in a wonderful part of the world with good people around me. I have a truly wonderful collection of friends, I meet new people easily, and my relationship with my family has improved a great deal. My financial worries are dissipating rapidly and I am experiencing the present and future with renewed confidence. I have regained my independence through this process after a very bad year which began with me losing my job in the last quarter of 2008.

 

Life is impossible to forecast with accuracy. We can each create our future but we can't predict the outcome. Life is unpredictable too with many unanticpated changes or events beyond our predictive reach.

 

I look down the tracks of my life, where I have come from, where I am now and where the possibilities lie in the future.

 

Emotionally though I have not let go and this is a necessary (healthy) part of the healing process whether or not our ex's come back into the picture (and whether this is truly desired) down the line. Our lives are bigger and wider and should not depend on a single person.

 

I have tried many methods of 'letting go' and 'moving on' including repeating the phrase 'Thinking about her makes you unhappy, you want to be happy, so don't think about her'.

 

Does any on this resonate with you and what methods have you all tried to 'let go' and 'move on' and has this worked for you?

[dreamygirl]

Sorry to hear about your breakup. I've been broken up 4 months now and I still think a lot about him although I've been in no contact for 2 and a half months. Are you still in touch with her or have you been in no contact. Sometimes its hard to let go if you are still in touch with that person or see them frequently. If you are not in touch with her for a long time, its obvious that you still care a lot about her, have you gotten in touch with her to see if she has changed her mind about your relationship and if she wants to get back together? Have you also tried dating other women?

[Ms Darcy]

When you think about her, what are you thinking? Are you wanting another chance? Are you thinking you are better than her current guy? Are you regretting anything?

[baxxter]

Hi,

 

Wow, you sound like a good catch, and you are in UK! Wanna meet up?

lol

 

Jokes aside, I took well over 5 yrs to get over my first love. It was a messy relationship and I knew there was no chance to work it out with him, but I always hoped he'd come back. I maintained total NC, even moved to another country, and it just didn't work. During this 5 yrs I met someone else, and dated him for 13 months, and this ended up on/off/on/off thing, hurt me so badly. This one took about 3.5 yrs to get over.

 

So, to me, the more painful feelings in the relationship are, the longer it takes to get over it. I guess I was so hurt, and I wanted them to come back and apologize, to mend me.

 

What I realized in those years of not able to letting go, is that they cannot repair me from the damage they caused (one of them came back and apologized, taking full responsibility for what went wrong, but that didn't make me feel better.) I just had to accept that it had really nothing to do with me why they left.

 

I know what you mean by nothing makes sense. Neither of my failed relationships made sense. I was good to them, I was caring and loving, I always let them have their time and social life, and I had the same rhythm to theirs, we were good together. Did they have good life before / after me? No. So why did they leave?

 

It is difficult to move on. It may never will make sense. But accept that it was not your fault. Accept that you cannot make her pick what is really best for her. But just do what is best for yourself. Seriously, I think you have a good thing going, so am sure you will be truly happy very soon.

 

Good luck x

[Leveller]

Sorry to hear about your breakup. I've been broken up 4 months now and I still think a lot about him although I've been in no contact for 2 and a half months. Are you still in touch with her or have you been in no contact. Sometimes its hard to let go if you are still in touch with that person or see them frequently. If you are not in touch with her for a long time, its obvious that you still care a lot about her, have you gotten in touch with her to see if she has changed her mind about your relationship and if she wants to get back together? Have you also tried dating other women?

 

I am sorry to hear about your break up. From experience I think no contact is the way to go for the most part although I am far from seeing it as an absolute.

 

I was in contact with her until I took the sage advice off my friends and on the good people on this forum and said 'no more of this whilst you're with someone else, I know how I would feel'. If she wants to reconnect she knows where I am. I will not re-institute contact to get caught up in the tangle of her life once again and she had very little respect for me and this is my fault in large measure. If someone crosses boundaries with you, make damn sure they do not do so again.

 

As for other women, only now am I really starting to look again...and this needs to happen.

[Leveller]

When you think about her, what are you thinking? Are you wanting another chance? Are you thinking you are better than her current guy? Are you regretting anything?

 

When I think about her I hope she's happy. However I have heard from her and 'through the grapevine' (late last year, early this) from her former best friend that she no longer goes out, is with him all the time and, I think, given up work. It's her life, not mine, but this doesn't sound good. Incidentally, he never liked her going out with her friends, tries to tell her what to wear and she said to me in late Jan 'I'm not allowed out'. She is 45. He is 62.

 

Do I want another chance? I'd be kidding myself if I said otherwise...but not like this.

 

Do I think I am 'better' than the other guy. Well, aside from trying to control her life (which I see as a negative, she as some sort of positive), I cannot see how an unemployed 62 year old fella (who spent the best part of year lying about his age) is a better choice for her. She loves to go places and travel...he goes nowhere. Nevertheless I shouldn't compare myself to my 'replacement'. I am who I am and am confortable in my skin. Again, it's her choice.

 

Do I regret anything? Chasing after her when I should have dropped off the face of the earth. Then again I was depressed after losing my job and all the bad stuff that followed. I also regret being a bit of a * * * * at times past but I am in the here and now and want to move forward and be happy.

[Leveller]

Hi and thank you. I'll be ok, I know what needs to happen. I wish there was a pill to eradicate certain memories/thoughts and feelings but there isn't is there? I've loved before like you, but this has been a very strange 18 months. I'm surprised I still feel as I do in some ways and a bit disappointed in myself. I love her still but she needs to love and respect herself first. He continues to give her the silent treatment when she does something he doesn't like. I voice my disapproval of him (as have her friends and family from the get go) and she described him as abusive ex Mk 2 'without the hammerings'. See what I mean about not making sense?

 

I've highlighted the above bit...too true. You sound like a lovely person, who deseves good things.

[dreamygirl]

I am sorry to hear about your break up. From experience I think no contact is the way to go for the most part although I am far from seeing it as an absolute.

 

I was in contact with her until I took the sage advice off my friends and on the good people on this forum and said 'no more of this whilst you're with someone else, I know how I would feel'. If she wants to reconnect she knows where I am. I will not re-institute contact to get caught up in the tangle of her life once again and she had very little respect for me and this is my fault in large measure. If someone crosses boundaries with you, make damn sure they do not do so again.

 

As for other women, only now am I really starting to look again...and this needs to happen.

 

I think its good to let her come to you if she wants you. In my case, I'm planning to re initiate contact after 3 months of no contact and see. If it doesn't happen, its ok with me and I will be looking to move on by dating others and hopefully finding the right person.

[Leveller]

I think its good to let her come to you if she wants you. In my case, I'm planning to re initiate contact after 3 months of no contact and see. If it doesn't happen, its ok with me and I will be looking to move on by dating others and hopefully finding the right person.

 

It sounds to me that your house is in order.