Some final thoughts from you guys, please!

[cherryberry123]

A part of me feels like he must know I still have feelings.

 

Recently I randomly sent a text, "Just a reminder that you are incredible and I miss you. Do I tell you I miss you too often? I hope it's not annoying. I'm awkward! Goodnight".

He replies with "Awwwww! Thanks! I miss you too. You're not awkward. Goodnight"

 

He's not dumb. He should realize these things are leading me on. He's a nice guy and I know for a fact he wouldn't say things to lead me on. That wouldn't be fair to me.

 

The last phone conversation was a couple days ago. I was having doubts about staying in contact with him and was trying to talk things through with him. But, he sort of lacked the seriousness. I was pouring out my thoughts and feelings to him, but he was watching youtube videos. I start crying, which I know he felt bad for. He stopped watching. The conversation didn't give me much answers. He did say one thing that confused me much more.

Me feels like you say things that I just want to hear, but not really mean it". [/b]

Him wouldn't do that. That would be leading you on, and that wouldn't be fair to you"[/b] (Something along those lines, can't remember exactly)

 

The very next day, I get a text:

"Sorry for being rude last night"

[i do not respond]

"Please forgive me. I was not nice to you"

 

I reply: "Don't worry. It's okay...No matter what, you will always be amazing to me"

 

He replies back: "Cindy! You're an amazing person. It's not okay.I wasn't nice to you and you didn't deserve that"

 

That was the last of our conversation. It's been my second day of NC.

 

I would like some thoughts from you guys:

-Wasn't it obvious to him that I indeed still liked him? Although I never directly told him "I like you",I told him how much I care about him, how amazing he is, and how much I miss him frequently.

-Was he leading me on, in your opinion? Him responding positively to "I miss you"s and such? When we hung out, he was a little flirty. He's not a flirt with everyone

 

My final thoughts: I think I did the best that I could. Things seemed to be getting better between us, but I did not want to be friend zoned. I did not rejection again. He's been really busy, and I figured he's too busy to even have a relationship at this point. I treated him horribly when we were together, and I'm sure he is completely surprised by my recent turn around. I learned a lot and finally learned to express my emotions. I think I paid my dues. If he does not want to be with me, that's his loss. I know the next guy will be treated with a lot of care and love.

[Puckdog27]

Honestly I think he is being very mature and caring, showing you that while things didnt work out, he still thinks very highly of you and that you deserve a better relationship next time. Beats being treated like crap, insulted and or ignored.

 

My question....why do you keep looking for a reaction from him? You throw feelers out there and keep telling him he is amazing, but when he responds in kind, you feel he is leading you on.

 

And it may be obvious to him your still interested, but it seems he isnt. Would you prefer he told you to F off and get on with your life?

[cherryberry123]

Honestly I think he is being very mature and caring, showing you that while things didnt work out, he still thinks very highly of you and that you deserve a better relationship next time. Beats being treated like crap, insulted and or ignored.

 

My question....why do you keep looking for a reaction from him? You throw feelers out there and keep telling him he is amazing, but when he responds in kind, you feel he is leading you on.

 

And it may be obvious to him your still interested, but it seems he isnt. Would you prefer he told you to F off and get on with your life?

 

He is mature and caring.

 

I say those things because I want him to know he is still appreciated, I never told him these things before. I know it's a complete surprise to him that I'm saying these things, but I just want him to know.

I used to belittle him and never thanked him for his kindness. I hate talking about it. I feel like I have finally rid of the guilt by expressing him how much I care about him.

I would appreciate it if he would just say "Look, thanks for your words but I really don't want to lead you on". I wouldn't think it's rude or mean. It would help me to let go.

 

I'm on NC though, so I'll get over this. Just wanted others opinions on if I made it obvious and if I was being lead on

[jimmajam]

I think I said it in another thread of yours, but you're giving him WAY too much credit. I'm sure he is a nice guy, but like you said he is not dumb. He knows saying these nice things are going to get a reaction out of you. He knows saying this things will still give you hope. Why? Because it is way too obvious you'd go back to him in a second and he knows this too.

 

Here is the thing, a lot of nice people, I consider myself a nice guy, will simply be nice and tell you what you want or at least not go against you because...well... they are nice. If someone is pleading like you are and telling them that you miss them, the nice guy thing is to say the same back. You keep letting him play the nice guy no matter what he does or says to you. Pretty soon he is going to start giving you short replies in hope not to stir anything and you'll stop complimenting and pleading for him.

[cherryberry123]

Is he too scared to say "I just don't feel the same. Please don't get the wrong idea". Isn't that the nice thing to do?

I mean, it's just not the words...it's some of his actions. When we went to the beach, he would ask for me to sit right beside him. He would grab my hand for a second, realize his mistake and immediately move to my wrist.

 

I just want him to make it obvious. I know that's asking for too much.

 

I am now on NC though. What should I do if he were to start contacting me? I know one of these nights I will receive a "goodnight!" text. That's what happened last time when he didn't hear from me after a couple of days. I ignored him for 3-5 days. I received at least 3 texts from him sending "Goodnight" texts, probably expecting a response. Is that nice of him to do?

[Puckdog27]

Is he too scared to say "I just don't feel the same. Please don't get the wrong idea". Isn't that the nice thing to do?

I mean, it's just not the words...it's some of his actions. When we went to the beach, he would ask for me to sit right beside him. He would grab my hand for a second, realize his mistake and immediately move to my wrist.

 

I just want him to make it obvious. I know that's asking for too much.

 

I am now on NC though. What should I do if he were to start contacting me?

 

Why do you keep putting yourself in situations to be disappointed? I understand holding on to hope, but unless you two have discussed reconciliation, assume that he isnt coming back.....no matter what his words or actions.

[Puckdog27]

I just saw you posted this in another thread....

 

I'm glad I found this post, I thought I was the only one who feared asking.

 

Every one of my friends who know my situation are speechless and don't know what to think of my guy. He's to hard to read, and they said I should just flat out ask him. I can't do it.

I can ask anything else and say anything, but when it comes "Do you want to reconcile?" I can't do it.

 

That right there is the answer to your question. You are afraid to hear the truth, so you skirt around the what ifs. If you ask him what he wants, the confusion will go away.

[lostnscared]

How long have you two been broken up? Is it still fresh?

[woodc5]

I agree with the above posters. You say things to him trying to get the reactions out of him that you are, but can't face the truth that he may not want to get back together. I think you need to step back and let things be. Stop feeding him compliments and such. He knows you like him. If he wants to reconcile, he'll come back to you. He isn't ready yet. If he was, he would have told you by now.

[cherryberry123]

How long have you two been broken up? Is it still fresh?

 

No, not at all

The breakup was last September. We still talked everyday till December (4 months).I went NC for 2 month till March. Middle of March he changed his facebook picture to a teddy bear I gave him, and he emailed me the next day asking how I've been doing. We have been in contact since then.It's July now. We have been in contact for 5 months. It's been a long road.

 

 

As a side note, I do not intend of complimenting him anymore if I ever do decide to contact him one day.

I guess I'm just frustrated because I feel like I gave him opportunities to make his intentions clear.

I remember one night I ask "Do I make you uncomfortable by saying I miss you", which he replies "Not you don't. Not at all. I miss you too

I gave him the perfect opportunity to say "Well,I just don't want to give you the wrong idea". But instead, he seemed happy and like to hear he was being missed. Argh.

[lostnscared]

Ok.

 

I think you need to do NC again, and this time until you are healed completely. I think the issue I'm seeing is that he's stringing you along for the ride. He really hasn't had much time to miss you, and you haven't had enough time to move forward as an individual. You've been broken up for almost year, and a majority of this time you've kept contact with him. He knows that you STILL have feelings for him, and if anything you're still the emotional person that he broke up with in September--which I don't think helps the situation between you two, if you have any hope of getting back with him.

 

I think the more you talk to him the more hurtful it becomes because he still has not expressed interest in being with you again. In some ways I understand why you want to keep in your life, but it's doing more harm than good.

 

He can't have his cake and eat it too. If he wants to be with you--he needs to let that be known, and since he hasn't I assume he doesn't(at this point). If he wants a friendship with you, that's fine, but are you ok with just being his friend?

 

If not then I think you need tell him this and then begin NC again.

 

I'm sorry and I hope things work out for you.

[Puckdog27]

No, not at all

I guess I'm just frustrated because I feel like I gave him opportunities to make his intentions clear.

I remember one night I ask "Do I make you uncomfortable by saying I miss you", which he replies "Not you don't. Not at all. I miss you too

I gave him the perfect opportunity to say "Well,I just don't want to give you the wrong idea". But instead, he seemed happy and like to hear he was being missed. Argh.

 

Dont take this as me attacking you, I just want to point out something....

 

This is the danger right here of hanging on too long. I dont know him or his intentions, but for the most part he has strung you along for 9 months....but at the sametime, you havent exactly cut the string either. Sooner or later you have to heal and move on, and you havent allowed yourself to do that. You keep wanting hope, so you keep in touch and comfort yourself with his responding, even framing your communicatiosn to hear the words you know he will respond with.....in reality you arent receiving what it is you really need....him.

 

Some times we have to read the writing on the wall. Its nice that he misses you, but he hasnt missed you enough to want to be back in the relationship with you. I do commend him for being respectful to you, but I also think he is unfair to hold that string for you. Maybe he just isnt capable of letting you completely down.....but that doesnt mean you cant climb down on your own.....time to let go of the string.

[JimmerJammer]

I apologize in advance if I miss the mark here, but browsing through your post an some of the replies I wanted to give my two cents. From my observation and without knowing too many details, it appears to me that he is making some signs that he's thinking about you and you give him that impression too.

 

The thing that is creating confusion is that complimentary things are being said to each other and accepted happily without much else coming from it. You seem to want to know where his thoughts really lie with you and he only makes hints at it. Never really leaving you satisfied or content with where things are.

 

I'm not exactly sure what your intentions are with this situation. Are you wanting to move on? have you? are you still feeling deep feelings for him? are you hoping he has feelings for you and will act on them?

[Puckdog27]

Very good post JJ.....his WORDS = I miss you....ACTIONS = None.....he has made no moves toward reconciliation

[orchidrose]

Cherry, I've been following your threads for some time now and I first want to say that I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through something similar with my LT ex and it was completely emotionally exhausting.

 

That said, you have to know that you are continuing to put yourself in this situation and you're going to have to be responsible for saving yourself from it. I think, based on several of your threads, that you are a master at manipulating this guy. There are very few things that you've said to him that have not been looking for a very specific response, and without fail, he throws you some sort of crumbs, but not the kind you want. As a result, I don't really see any sort of emotional improvement in your behavior. It seems like you talk a lot about being better or having improved in the time since you and your ex have been apart, but it seems like you might have traded one type of bad behavior with another. Your conversations with your ex come off as insecure, needy, and again, manipulative.

 

But, aside from all of that, the bottom line is that he's not interested in reconciling. It doesn't matter if he's flirty. It doesn't matter if he tells you he loves you. He hasn't made any moves to commit to you or ask to have you back, and if he was serious about such a thing, he would've done it awhile ago. He keeps you around because he probably does still care about you, and because you give him an ego boost and someone to talk to. But that doesn't mean he sees you as a romantic partner; if I recall from your previous posts, in fact, that's why he broke up with you. I'm sure it was obvious to him that you still liked him.. but that doesn't matter to him.

[Cadence44]

I agree. Sending a guy a text that says 'I miss you' and receiving one in return that says - of all things - 'I miss you too' does not mean that your ex is trying to tell you how much he misses you. He's responding to a communication of which there is only one appropriate answer if you are a kind person.

 

But then you hook onto his response and appropriate way too much meaning to it because you want him to miss you. That's a natural response for someone who is hung up on an ex. We've all done it at one time or another if we remain in contact with an ex. But you'll then carry it over and make his words to be important clues that you begin to repeat in every thread you post. You'll even bold it so everyone can see that he said he misses you so that at least one poster will respond to that piece and reinforce your belief that it was a meaningful and important communication. That's then the only post that you will listen to; everyone else is just being mean. You manipulate your posts here in a very similar way that you manipulate your ex, because you know in advance what response you want from the board.

 

I'm not saying you're an awful person or that you are at your core a manipulative person. I don't think that you do it on purpose. You sound very sweet, kind and adorable, actually. I think the manipulative stuff comes from a place of insecurity and I think you should look into it so you can figure out where it's coming from and how you can refrain from doing it in the future.

 

I think your ex does care about you, but I don't think he's moving toward you and toward a relationship. In all of your messages, I've thought the same. I think you're headed in the right direction with NC. You're doing this to yourself and you have to be the one to get yourself out of it. Stay strong. You can do it.

[lavenderdove]

One of the best ways to determine what is going on with another person's emotions is to just STOP carrying all the emotional load and doing all the work to try to keep things going, and see what that other person does.

 

So just stop contacting him, stop telling him you think he's wonderful, just become totally neutral towards him and don't initiate anything and see what he does.

 

The bottom line is that if he wants to date you again, he will start asking you out and telling you he wants to date you. And he will initiate a lot of contact and try to get you to see him, not just say, 'hi how are ya doing.'

 

You are basically friendzoned until that moment he starts asking you out on dates again. Until that time you just have to assume he only wants to be friends, and you need to stop pursuing him and trying to guess what he is thinking. Instead you should start cultivating new relationships so that you can find a man who does really want to date you rather than an ex who isn't dating you.

[TurtleDove12]

Cherry...are you just going to wait around and ponder and hope he comes walking back?

 

He's not thinking, "It's my loss" or anything of the like.

 

He might miss you. You're certainly helping him get over the breakup by reminding him that you miss him so much.

 

You can't sit around and wait. Not for anyone. You need to make something happen, whatever it is, and if you want to heal, you'll do it as quickly as possible.

[cherryberry123]

Thanks for the responses, guys.I really appreciate it.

 

Right now, I feel really uneasy. He's always been there for me, and it's like I'm just learning to walk again. He was my support system for everything.

 

I'm not going to compliment him anymore. I did it because I felt it was the right thing to do. I wanted him to know he is appreciated, because he did not feel wanted during the relationship. I just wanted him to know that he is an amazing person.

I don't regret saying it, but I won't say it anymore. He knows now that I do think he is an incredible being.

 

I did not think people were just being mean to me, but I did not agree with how the message was sent. I know it may seen manipulative, but that was not my intentions. I said "I miss you"s and complimented him because that is what I really felt.

I said "I feel chubby", because I do. I'm not comfortable with my own skin, and I did not deal with my own insecurities properly.

I do not appreciate people calling me manipulative, because that makes me feel like "I'm a horrible person". It makes me feel worse, to be honest.

I highlighted the sentences that were texts so readers can follow the post better, not to boast and say "Hey! he misses me, right?!"

 

I'm sick and tired of trying to keep this relation with my ex alive. I'm going to focus on myself.

 

My fear is when he does start contacting me, how will I react?

I feel alone right now. Expect me on ENA more often during the NC/LC phase, because I know there will be days I will be really really upset. I did start a thread called "Dear Ex", and it's been helping.

 

So, my plans:

-Stop throwing compliments at him

-Just stop putting in effort, and see if he puts in any ?

 

Now, I have a question.

What if he does start putting forth effort? (ie. asking to hang out)...do I ignore it or accept? That's where I'm at a loss. Some of you guys said "NC" while others said "Let him work for it".

Sooo, I'm assuming there are 2 requirements: 1) He must be the one chasing..and 2) He must be the one to tell me he wants me back.

Am I wrong?

Or am I just ignoring him completely, and see if he starts becoming aggressive? If not, his loss?

 

I'm confused and thinking WAY too hard. Sorry guys. Would love some input

[cherryberry123]

On a side note, I still have him on FB...I don't have the heart to delete him. I used to delete him a lot while we were seeing each other, and it made him upset.

Should I just deactivate for a while?

[lavenderdove]

You need to start thinking about YOU and stop thinking about HIM. So whatever decisions help you focus on yourself and your own goals rather than on him, that is what you should do!

[MsDexter]

You need to start thinking about YOU and stop thinking about HIM. So whatever decisions help you focus on yourself and your own goals rather than on him, that is what you should do!

 

I agree.

[TurtleDove12]

Deactivate, sure, not a bad idea.

 

If he contacts you...and you can figure out what he wants, take it from there. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Don't try to do everything at once.

[cherryberry123]

It 10:49pm, and I'm ready for bed. I haven't heard from him all day yesterday or today. I know I shouldn't be expecting anything, but I secretly am. I can't help it.

 

Tonight I went out with a friend, and it helped clearing my mind for a bit. I'll try to have a good night sleep. I'm scared I'll dream about him, and I don't want to.

 

Thanks again everyone. What keeps me going is knowing that people are rooting for me. I have to stay strong.

 

Just a thought: I'm pretty happy with the last words I sent to him. "Don't worry. It's okay. No matter what, I will always think you're amazing". It gives me a sense of peace. I got my message accross, but now it's time to let go. We did not end up in a huge bitter fight or exchange any harsh words.

I don't regret breaking NC the first time because it helped mend any wounds I created for him, and help rid of the guilt I had carried for so many months. I felt like I had to make it up to him, and I think I paid my dues.

 

Anyways, thanks again for the support. I'll try to get some sleep. Good night!

[hater13]

hmm well cherry I don't think you should read too much into anything he says or does. My ex said plently of things when I spoke to him after our break up (mind you we only spoke for 1 week after the break up).

 

Simply put you must move forward and unless he tells you he wishes to reconcile you can't do anything more.

 

This is what I told my ex before we broke up - that I couldn't speak to him anymore because it gave me false hope of reconciliation and that if he really wanted to be friends we could later in the future (he had wanted to stay in touch- though he could probably care less now).