What to do?

[Mustachio]

Feels good to be posting in here as opposed to the healing forum, but unfortunately I am in a bit of a bind.

 

I have been seeing this girl now for close to 3 months and I have a bit of a problem.

 

I really like her and think she is a great girl, and we have even told each other that we love each other. We have already had the talk of being exclusive, so its not about that...

 

The problem has arisen lately that I am just not sure if I feel that same spark I felt when we first started seeing each other. I have found it difficult lately to get really excited about going to see her and sexually I just dont feel that strong connection I thought I would have when I started seeing someone. This is only the second real relationship I have been in aside from my ex... but there was so many things wrong about that relationship I feel its almost unfair to compare certain feelings between the two. But with my ex, that spark was always there, even at the worst of times, and I just dont think Im feeling it now even though SO many things in this new relationship are far and away much better. I have just sort of started to see my girlfriend as more of good friend than a lover, and Im just not quite sure if my expectations and feelings are out of line or if this means she just isnt right for me.

 

I am very confused. Needless to say, she has been able to tell that something has been up for the last couple weeks, just a change in my behavior I guess, nothing bad or drastic, but she wants to talk about it tonight and Im not really sure what to do or what to say. I didnt want to force the issue until I really know how I am feeling because she is a great girl, and if its just something else, or the situation (I am losing my job... and a lot of life changes are being forced on me) and if its the latter I dont want to give up what is otherwise a great relationship.

[quirky]

I'm not sure what to say, I think others will give you good advice. Maybe it's the past co-dependent stuff, the extremeties creating attraction, who knows..kinda feel that with me sometimes, I don't seem to stay interested in new people much, like any "mystery" fizzles out pretty quick. Did you desire her for real when you first got together?

[Cheetarah]

I went back and read your very first thread.

 

Do you think the spark was there because of the drama involved, the back and forth? Drama excites our nervous center. A lot of times, agitation, anxiety, anger are blurred into passion(or similar feelings). Possibly because you never quite got the chance to feel 'safe' with her, and the adrenaline of chasing after that, you mistook for the spark? I find that when people treat us bad, it's really bad. But then their good, is REALLY good. That excitement and hopefulness usually keeps us in bad relationships far longer than we should be.

 

I may be overanalyzing the whole thing, so please correct me if I'm wrong.

[Mustachio]

quirky, i think i felt that spark when we were first starting to see each other. It was exciting, it was new, and we have a lot in common.

 

Mintiya... Im not sure, I know my very first threads on this forum were about my ex, so are you asking about her? Its possible that I mistook it for a spark with my ex and that I was chasing that trying to feel safe feeling. The problem still remains that I am just not necessarily feeling that spark for my gf now and Im not sure if its just not there or if my expectations are out of line... and at times it feels like my expectations are fine. And this current relationship is a good relationship, there really is nothing bad about it other than the fact that im not sure about my feelings.

[Cheetarah]

Yes, I was asking about your ex.

 

What about her and the relationship have you seeing her more as a good friend? I know you said nothing is wrong with the relationship, in fact I've heard you say nothing but good things. Maybe that's it, is what I am asking?

 

You tolerated a lot of crap in your last relationship all for the sake of love. Now it's smooth and easy. Total 180, and maybe this is still an adjustment period(combined with what life is raining down on you right now). Of course she was exciting from the start, I believe everyone is. Is there anything specific that sort of pushes her back into the friend category? I know you mentioned a sexual chemistry...Is there anything else?

[90_hour_sleep]

hey mustachio,

 

i think you might appreciate this little blurb...

 

link removed

 

i know i do...and your post subtly reminds me of a similar situation.

 

who knows...might fill in some of the gaps.

 

 

[Mustachio]

Yes, I was asking about your ex.

 

What about her and the relationship have you seeing her more as a good friend? I know you said nothing is wrong with the relationship, in fact I've heard you say nothing but good things. Maybe that's it, is what I am asking?

 

You tolerated a lot of crap in your last relationship all for the sake of love. Now it's smooth and easy. Total 180, and maybe this is still an adjustment period(combined with what life is raining down on you right now). Of course she was exciting from the start, I believe everyone is. Is there anything specific that sort of pushes her back into the friend category? I know you mentioned a sexual chemistry...Is there anything else?

 

Well, its almost as if I am just not feeling that romance, that drive to really be more than just friends. I dont quite know how to explain it. Is there anything specific... well the sexual chemistry is one... but no, I cant really think of anything else. Its just because of that chemistry that I am not really feeling at the moment thats making it difficult to think of her as much more than friends.

 

90 hour, thanks for the link, while some of it does apply to my situation its just hard for me to apply it because I dont really know what I want.

 

Anyways, I did have that discussion with her tonight as I felt it would be rude to blow it off. But I didnt really have much to tell her other than I dont know, and give her some of the thoughts on my mind. And it sucked, I know I have hurt her, but I just cant give her a clear answer one way or the other.

 

So Im still very stuck, and in an unhappy place. I am still searching for that something or someone that will bring me happiness and I am still at a point where this fantasy of my ex is the only thing that feels like it would do it (I know it wont, and it never did, or will). And I am at the point in my current relationship where I just dont know if that spark I am hoping for just doesnt exist with her or whether my expectations are unrealistic.

 

So two big things come with that. 1. I cant put everything into this relationship until if or when I sort things out enough to know its what I want. And even though she wants to be with me there is no guarantee that she will wait around while I figure things out, and I wouldnt blame her if she left. 2. If I make the decision to end it because im not feeling that spark, would I be making a big mistake. Would I be giving up something that is otherwise very good for bad reasons, or are my reasons fully justified. My limited relationship experience (especially considering my last relationship) is very limited.

 

On top of that, I dont even know how sad or upset I would be if we were to break up. I am so very confused and I just dont know what else to do. I crave that excitement, that passion, I feel like having passion in life would make me happy, and I am just not feeling it for her (or anything else) at the moment. And to make matters worse I have these memories of passion for my ex even though everything else about that relationship was wrong on so many levels. I really dont want to hurt my girlfriend, but Im afraid the damage may have already been done, and I do know that I need to do whats best for myself, but its so hard to know what that is.

 

Today has not been a good day. I need help. Sorry for the long post.

[quirky]

Does she know anything about your relationship with your ex? Ironically it might help to talk about it a little.

Alternatively how about trying to spice things up? Buy her lingerie or go for a romantic meal, have sex outdoors etc.

[Mustachio]

Does she know anything about your relationship with your ex? Ironically it might help to talk about it a little.

Alternatively how about trying to spice things up? Buy her lingerie or go for a romantic meal, have sex outdoors etc.

 

I told her a little bit of my history yesterday when we talked. I am just struggling at this point to even know if its something I want to work on or just let it go.

 

Between my dumb self sending my ex a small email, her reply, and this mess, I am just not doing well today.

 

It would be better if I just had some idea what I wanted, but I dont... and I dont know how to figure it out.