Something totally unexpected

[woodst0ck]

To cut a long story short, my wife for 21 years left me in January, had a boyfriend less than a week later and had moved in with him a week after that.

 

Needless to say, I thought my life had come to an end but... thanks to my friends and the excellent advice from this board, I've managed to rebuild my life... one step at a time. I basically did all the standard things... started going to the gym, finding a new hobby and new friends. My mother left me a small inheritance and I've paid off all my debts and have some left to make a modest start somewhere else. I am due to move out of the house we shared at the end of July so we can put the house on the market.

 

I've remained in LC, bordering on NC and contact has always been intiated by her. She used to come round every one/two weeks to pick up her post but until yesterday, she hadn't been round for six weeks. She doesn't stay, just picks up the post and leaves.

 

I've moved on to a point were I have more good days than bad. I've taken up meditation as I never fancied the pharmaceutical route and it's been of great help in getting my head sorted out. I still miss and love her but I accept that she would need to feel the same and I'm not holding out any hope that she will.

 

This week started with her emailing me. She wanted to come round to discuss the finances for the house as she wanted to get it on the market asap as she wanted to get a place of her own... which was a bit of a surprise but I didn't read anything important into it.

 

Then she came round to pick up her post yesterday..... and promptly burst into tears. Her horse sustained a bad injury a couple of months ago and she was trying to get him back to fitness and was having a lot of trouble getting him to behave. I gave what advice I could though I was somewhat surprised she was so upset about it. She then started talking bout how much fitter I was and that I had lost loads of weight.

 

One thing lead to another and we were talking about why we had broken up... at which point, she started crying again, saying that I must hate her as I never contact her. I told her that was not the case at all. She had made her decision to leave me and I was letting her do just that. My feelings for her were irrelevant as she didn't feel the same for me. This made her cry more and she said that wasn't true.

 

At this point, I was beginning to get a little confused but then came the real kicker. She said she was glad I didn't hate her because the last thing she needed were more negative vibes. Now I've known her for a long time and this rang big alarm bells. I asked her what she meant and she immediately clammed up. All I could get out of her was that there was something wrong with her and if frightened her to death... but she wouldn't say what is was but would let me know when she was certain.

 

Now I'm scared to death. She's not the sort of person to freak out over nothing and for her to be so upset, it must be something serious. In addition, there is something different between us and I'm confused. As far as I know, she's still with this other bloke so I don't want to be there for her but at the same time, I hate myself for thinking that.

 

Anyone have any ideas what might be going on here? I'm very confused.

[Mustachio]

I cant really say, but I think you know what you need to do. Keep on your path, your path without her.

 

You have a decision to make... do you want to be her shoulder to cry on? It sounds almost as if she is having real difficulty with her life and might be bottling it all up, maybe she cant really open up to the new guy? But maybe not. It might be that she doesnt feel that same connection with him that she did with you (and if you were together 21 years, I cant see how its possible she could feel that same connection) and she is reaching out to you for support.

 

Do you want to give her that support? Do you want to open the can of worms on your end by letting her back into your life in that way. Do you think your needs and wants could possibly be met by being her shoulder to cry on? I realize there is probably the possibility in your head that this could lead to something more, but in the probably overwhelming chance it wont, could you handle the situation.

 

If you think you can handle it, then sure be her shoulder to cry on for a time, find out if she truly needs help, but remember not to place her burden onto yourself, because of the situation it is no longer your responsibility.

 

Best of luck, hope it all works out well.

[iBroken]

She is probably having a rough time with the other guy.....I wouldnt read too much into it.

[doiiiieeezie]

I know that I am being a silly ENA generalist here, but it does seem like that when she left, her reasons were simply selfish. I seriously doubt that she found a boyfriend within a week and moved in with him immediately (although stranger things have happened.) You spent 21 years or more with this woman, so the reality is that she is now starting to wake up and understand the consequences of her actions. It doesn't mean that it will lead to anything, but she's now feeling guilty, and she doesn't understand how you have moved on relatively well since. I wouldn't read into this anymore than it is dumpers remorse, and I wouldn't base any sort of reconciliation attempt on it. Stand strong, her true intentions will come out soon enough.

[Puckdog27]

She is probably having a rough time with the other guy.....I wouldnt read too much into it.

 

I agree here....her world is probably crashing down. I would imagine she had something with this guy before she decided to split from you and now its not working out, plus her horse is hurt, she needs a place to live, etc etc.....she is probably feeling like karma is biting her in the ass. I would take it for what it was, someone dumping their emotions on someone they are comfortable doing that too.

[woodst0ck]

Thank you for the replies. I have to admit that I have to agree with all your sentiments. However, I don't think I explained the last part very well. When I said that she told me there was something wrong with her, I meant medically... that's the part which scares me.

[Mustachio]

Well, even though it is medically, you still have decisions to make. Just remember, she chose to hurt you by leaving and getting together with someone else. Any responsibility you had towards her no longer exist. If you choose to take on new responsibilities that is your choice, but remember, you owe her nothing outside of what you choose to owe her. And it is ok to be selfish a bit. But ultimately you know nothing yet about what could be wrong with her so best not to overanalyze, wait until she contacts you again, and then really search your own feelings before making a decision about what you give of yourself to her.

[doiiiieeezie]

Even if she is not well medically, you need to stand back. However, I would try to find out what it is if possible right away. Naturally she is scared and is looking for support in any way, which no one can blame her for. You cannot be her shoulder to cry on because of this, but you can offer her support and guidance and needed.

 

Either way, find out asap.

[woodst0ck]

Yes, that's good advice. I need to be objective. Easier to say than to do however. This is having the unfortunate effect of drawing me back in. I have always been there for her and although she left me for someone else, love is not something I can switch off. I wish I could... it would make things so much easier

 

However, I must agree that she is no longer my responsibilty since she has chosen someone else. I will need to keep telling myself that and keep my distance. If she wants anything more, it will need to come from her.

 

My heart is very heavy though.

[Carus]

Watching my partner walk away from our life together and give her heart to another was the hardest most soul destroying thing I have ever had to experience....Doing a bit better now though, 1.5 years out....

 

Then the calls would come...'He's just not you. Noone will ever replace you. Blah Blah....cr*p'.....

 

I fell for it every time becoz I stupidly had false hopes that the rebound would fail and so I was there for her every time she pulled that little stunt....Sometimes leaving it 2-3 months between contacts....

 

I now realise that all I was doing was giving her emotional support while she made the transfer and got settled with the new guy....

 

They are now still together a year later and getting stronger all the time (as far as I last heard anyway) and the contacts have since ceased....

 

Mine is in no way an isolated case.....

 

Play it as you see it Brother*

 

Ever Forward

K2*

[woodst0ck]

That's a very good point Kalgan. I will keep my distance.

 

If she does want anything from me, she will have to get it on my terms. I'm no longer a doormat

[woodst0ck]

Update.... She came round last night and told me that she had a lump in her breast and she has to go into hospital for a battery of tests. Now I know a lump in the breast by itself is s concern but the chances are it's something benign... like a cyst. She also seems to be getting a few other issues like breaking out in spots and having a bad stomach ache for over a week. I think she's naturally freaked because her dressage teacher has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and is on chemo.

 

At least I know now but I must admit I'm finding it very difficult to keep my distance.... but I suppose I must.... unless anyone else has any advice?

[baxxter]

She reached out to you for help, so it seems cold not to give support, but my question is why is she not getting that from the other guy?

 

I would be worried for you to give her what she wants, only to find out later that she would go back to the new guy and then throw you out of her life again, because if that happens to me I cannot take it.

[woodst0ck]

She reached out to you for help, so it seems cold not to give support, but my question is why is she not getting that from the other guy?

 

I would be worried for you to give her what she wants, only to find out later that she would go back to the new guy and then throw you out of her life again, because if that happens to me I cannot take it.

 

Indeed, that's exactly the problem.

[Hell_On_Heels]

It's not cold to not offer her support. She left you. It's no longer your job to help her. She has someone new for that.

 

I'm afraid that if she comes to you for emotional support and you offer it, she will end up staying with the other guy because she's getting all of her needs met. But what about you? Are your needs being met?

 

If you can offer support, and it doesn't hurt you - then go for it. But if it hurts you, it's not a good idea.

 

Do you have kids together?

[RobD70]

[

To cut a long story short, my wife for 21 years left me in January, had a boyfriend less than a week later and had moved in with him a week after that.

She had that boyfriend a lot longer than that. People don’t just up and live a long term relationship without a backup waiting for them. Odds are she was good at hiding her affair and this was planned for some time.

One thing lead to another and we were talking about why we had broken up... at which point, she started crying again, saying that I must hate her as I never contact her. I told her that was not the case at all. She had made her decision to leave me and I was letting her do just that. My feelings for her were irrelevant as she didn't feel the same for me. This made her cry more and she said that wasn't true.

This is actually a good thing thinking you were mad. It earned you some respect believe it or not.

 

You were with her for 21 years, that’s hard for anyone to walk away from regardless of the situation. Hopefully her condition is not that serious but for now you need to step away and try not to get too involved. She put herself in this situation and most likely cheated on you and now she wants you to comfort her.

 

There’s a good chance she will try to reconcile with you in the near future. However there’s just as good of a chance she will dump you again afterwards to go back to the other guy. This happened to me (twice) and tends to be the rule from what I have been reading. Keep that in mind as I suspect you will start hearing more and more from her. Try to keep her at bay for as long as you can because as long as she has any feeling what so ever for the other guy any reconciliation attempts will fail (mine failed at 6 months and again at 6 weeks). I know I’m getting ahead of myself here but I tend to forget where I post so I’m just spitting out what I’m thinking long term in case I don’t check back.

[jenna-is-here]

This is a hard one...I can see that this is unsettling. My advice to you is to keep doing what you are doing. I suspect she will eventually come back around and give you more detail in time. If she doesnt, it probably passed (whatever it was). The only thing that came to my mind was medical or with the other guy.

 

It could have been a combination of the horse getting sick, the new guy not being as great as she thought, being exhaused, the ending of your relationship. All that could be considered negative.

[woodst0ck]

HoH....no, we don't have children. In a way, one of my biggest regrets in life, she had a very early menopause which took that decision away from us.

 

Rob and Jenna.... yes, you're right. Even though I think this is going to be difficult, I need to keep a distance.

 

*sigh, I thought that by six months on, I would be well on my way to be healed and now this drags me back in

[FootofGod]

I would also say she's probably looking back at how she left you and did the things she did and is going "wow, this is something only a heartless person could do. There must be something wrong with me." Seems like a natural reaction if you try to move on too quick. Once it starts coming apart, you just feel like you've been heartless and it's all been for nothing- back at square one, but now you've hurt people and hurt yourself.

 

Thats how I'd feel, anyway. It's hard to tell, I swear some people just don't have emotion or can just do crazy mental and emotional gymnastics. I think the fact that she probably hates herself a bit, but you don't hate her, is taking its toll too. She'd probably feel more comfortable if you harbored feelings against her, because otherwise its just her against herself and that's gotta be the worst.

[woodst0ck]

Update:

 

She had a battery of tests yesterday and it turns out that it's a cyst and should disappear on it's own within a short time..... which is great news and so perhaps I can get back on the NC road without the emotional turmoil.

 

It remains to be seen if this has affected her decision to leave but I've come far enough to know that if she wants anymore, she'll have to be the one who asks.

[baxxter]

great news, I am happy for both of you,

and yes, she has to be the one to make it happen if she wants to be with you.

 

Have a peaceful NC day.