What if you can't see the way you are?

[matius]

I'm told all the time I'm an attractive dude & that people don't understand why I don't have a girlfriend. Not that I haven't had girlfriends throughout the past & somewhat regularly - but people seem to think they don't match what I should have...

 

Whenever I go out somewhere - I'm not a very social person by nature - but when I'm out I do try hard to open up & talk ... but I don't know what to say or what people are looking for. I get the vibe that I'm a creep and I'm not saying anything creepy... but I'm for sure not saying the right things. Maybe I'm talking to girls out my league or that are into money & they see maybe I'm not wearing the nicest stuff.

 

It's hard to tell... mixed signals, etc. Is it an act that everyone wants? Act confident & loud? Is that the only way forward? I think that a lot of people *seem* to have confidence out there they're not striving for real confidence in things... or maybe their worlds are smaller & so therefore it's easier to reach a certain level of confidence.

 

I don't know, maybe some people aren't cut to rule the bars & clubs? Trying is not enough in most cases I find. I leave feeling awkward & like I was buggin' everyone out. I hate the paranoia!

[LightbulbSun]

Sounds like me a bit. Maybe you have social anxiety?

[matius]

I think for sure I do. Being reserved is tough because on the one hand I dig myself when I'm alone, and may come accross smug and strange because I don't present an act, if you talk to me what ya see is what you get. When people get to know me things can be good.

[jahur]

you can be the most gorgeous person in the world, but if you dont go out there and assert you personality, energy warmth, you wont get noticed. the non physical can be so much more enchanting and very very attractive, and you are robbing yourself by not going out and showing the world who you are!!!! you have it go show it!!!!

 

bars and clubs are not the be all and end all of picking up friends and dates, the world is a lot bigger and quirky. my current i met working in a school, i was only there as a freelance and so was she....2 years on..... the thing is she told me that it was my energy and the genuine enquiries i made about her to her....

 

you dont say creepy things, your just out of tune with the lingo of life, just be yourself and dont keep questioning yourself when you say something.get out of the self doubt and over analyzing, calm down and carry on, your gonna be ok my friend, you actually sound quite young, id say about 18/21? do you suffer with some type of depression??? the only reason i ask is because i used to have these thoughts then one day for whatever reason it had gone, weird, but a relief!

[matius]

Try early 30's my friend... you know I don't take any sort of offense to your comment, it might just show how far behind I am - but I've really been trying to figure it out & it gets hectic. Very tough... I have a touch of depression, heavy amounts of stress, and social anxiety without a doubt.

 

I think about that - what you said - in my head all the time... that I'm robbing myself, everyone else says that too & you have no idea how frustrating it becomes not knowing how to solve the issue, especially at my age.

 

It's not that I have this massive personality just waiting to burst out and I'm afraid to do so... I just figured Ima bit more mellow. Not real sure you know...

[jahur]

Try early 30's my friend... you know I don't take any sort of offense to your comment, it might just show how far behind I am - but I've really been trying to figure it out & it gets hectic. Very tough... I have a touch of depression, heavy amounts of stress, and social anxiety without a doubt.

 

I think about that - what you said - in my head all the time... that I'm robbing myself, everyone else says that too & you have no idea how frustrating it becomes not knowing how to solve the issue, especially at my age.

 

It's not that I have this massive personality just waiting to burst out and I'm afraid to do so... I just figured Ima bit more mellow. Not real sure you know...

 

i feel for ya, i do. this is where a magic wand would come in handy!!

well all i can suggest is just throw your homework into the fire and grab the bull by the horns!!!! nothing ventured nothing gained!

 

embrace your friends more and let them help you build a foundation of recovery for you to build on, then i guess you could build from that the more confident you get. it seems you have a lot of thinking time to yourself which in turn you over analize what you have said or spoke that day or years ago and cringe and question that further

 

i know this i have been there!

 

i got a job and chucked myself into that and then i found by that all that crap thinking just petered out, work gave me more to think about and i met a whole heap of different people. you may have tried this before but its for the benefit of others that read this.

 

i hope it works out for you, i can remember being like this at 18 plus, i hated it, just hated it!

 

 

i used to walk into public places all defensive, thinking " violence, who wants it, who are you, did he just look at me funny, thinking people were judging me etc etc, what didnt help was being a coke head at the time (all clean now) just an over active imagination...............

 

put it this way it would be nice to see you spread your wings and fly! your day will come! dont question it! it will come.

[matius]

Appreciate all of this especially the last line.

 

The odd thing is that's the one thing I've never really questioned... for some reason I keep pushing because I know every dog has his day - and I will.

 

You know on the flip side - as much as I wish some areas of my life were better, I'm glad I didn't get married & have kids - I feel free in this respect.

 

I'm going for what I want to be in life & I always knew it would be a gamble. Just didn't realize the hits would be so hard when I put myself out there A brain that over thinks it's a recipe for a problematic lifestyle & possibly some interesting rewards.

 

Who know? Thanks again --

[Vulcan800]

I am kind of the same way. Girls would never appraoch me, guys wouldn't become my friends even though there is nothing wrong with me or what I would say in conversation.

 

I just look at it like this. I am me I am who I am and thats all I can be. If people don't wantt o put alittle effort to really get to know me then hey life goes on.

 

When you are young yes it may matter to you how people percieve you but as you get older you find yourself becoming more comforatble with who you are to worry about other people.

 

Just be yourself

[matius]

Vulcan800 - appreciate that.

[Nomadic Intent]

Plenty of great responses here already!

 

Matius, i was the same way as you. In fact, when i was 'forcibly' thrown back into the dating world, i was overweight and had major social issues.

 

So i forced myself to be better. THe ex rejected me after 7 years, and i never wanted to feel i was never not good enough. Never again.

 

So i worked on it, especially the fear of being social. Go out, have some fun. I spent many a night out with my friends doing a lot of stupid stuff during that phase. Yeah its immature and childish, but i needed that at that point in my mentality.

 

Years later the fear is gone. I can talk to any woman, and i don't let it (TRY) to ruin my mood if she shut me out. After all, she doesn't know me!

 

You've got to love yourself first before you can love somebody else. Then your real genuine personality shines through. And that is a major attraction in itself.

 

Good luck!

[jahur]

matius a great leader by the name of sir winston churchill, quoted "if your going through hell, keep going, there is always light at the end" take this with you matius, that leader led us out of the war and his own depression, which he named "black dog" scuse the pun, but he gave it a pet name, you know why? because he didnt want it to beat him. so he embraced and won! we have this in all of us!

 

good luck and i wish you all the best.

 

jason

[matius]

You've got to love yourself first before you can love somebody else.

 

True enough, but I'm a student of life. Is it not possible to love yourself yet have some insecurity & at the same time question why others seem to despise you?

 

matius a great leader by the name of sir winston churchill, quoted "if your going through hell, keep going, there is always light at the end" take this with you

 

You know it.