Is there any hope?

[papahobo]

My story...

 

I met this girl online, sort of a reconnection actually because I had known her from childhood. It was a popular dating site and she broke her own rule about no first contact to contact me. We emailed a lot and then talked on the phone before going out. We hit it off immediately. The first couple of weeks we just saw each other on the weekends but it grew into seeing each other 2 to 3 times a week quickly. We both have children which meant juggling things quite a bit for that to happen. Soon we were spending the night at one place or the other regularly. We pretty much kept in constant contact through texting when we weren't around each other. And usually I called to at least say goodnight and talk for awhile.

 

Well, this went on for about 4 months and it had developed into a great relationship and I was totally in love. She had gotten me involved in her hobbies and we had taken a small trip together. We had more stuff planned for the future and talked about it often. She was always telling me we needed to do this or see that.

 

Then we go on this trip with her whole family to the beach. I had met them all before this and liked them. And I was really looking forward to it although she told me she kind of dreaded trips with her family. Well, it turned into a complete disaster. Her stress level was high and then eveyone got a stomach bug and was sick. The rooms were cramped with too many people and she was irritated because she wasn't getting any sleep. She said she felt like she was in hell. She pretty much flipped out on a couple of occasions because of the stress when her son got sick and she just couldn't handle dealing with it.

 

I also sensed that she was pulling away from me during this time. There was no normal amount of affection from her. She seemed to be avoiding hanging out with me there. I tried to 'fix' it by being mr. perfect. I helped her at every chance I got and despite my brain telling me to back off and give her some space, I just couldn't help myself.

 

I came back early from the vacation for work as I had planned. I received no contact from her except when I texted first. 2 days later she also headed back a day early from vacation, because she said she was getting out of hell finally.The next day was my birthday and we had plans for it. Which even a couple days before she said she might not feel like it but when I asked the day I left she had said of course we were going to do something, and that she had just been down because of the trip.

 

Well, on her way back, I texted and we traded a couple of comments and then I said I was looking forward to seeing her and got nothing back. She texted me when she got home and said we needed to talk. I called and she wasted no time in telling me that she wasn't where she thought she was as far as being ready for a relationship and that she wasn't ready for her routines to be interrupted. She told me she was sorry and felt sick over telling me but she just couldnt do it.

 

I told her maybe the trip had been too much and that maybe she shouldn't make this decision right now. I asked her to think about it.. and she said she would but if the answer was right now it would be no. I was completely devestated and had no inkling of anything like this before that week. I couldn't think straight or concentrate. I wrote her an email that night trying to explain how I felt because I was bascially too shocked to think clearly when we were talking earlier.

 

The next day was my birthday and she texted me that night and said she had gotten my email and would do as I asked and think about it. She said she was sorry if she had ruined my birthday. I texted back and lied and said it wasn't ruined and that I was around if she wanted to talk about things sometime.

 

Today is the next day and that is where everything stands.

 

Is there any hope for this? Should I withhold from contacting her any more? I am so completely a wreck right now and just want to talk to her so badly.

[1guygirl]

yeah withold contact

 

sounds like the trip from hell for her was when she jus needed to have space, have her mood and deal with it that way. i dont think it was a reflection on you. anno you jus wanted to help and this jus infuriated her more (its jus life)

 

when ya kept pushing it jus exaggerated this more so...

 

so def back off, its very very hard but she will calm down, common sense will prevail and she will see youve given her space, and hopefully she will see the incident for what it was and just her stress levels and nothing to do with a bad relationship

 

unless of course there is cracks in it from her side

 

but jus give her space and this usually helps alot...wish i had done this from start, you jus wanna sort it and not end in limbo tho dont ya

[LousySpy]

I don't want to give you false hope OP, but it sounds like this is far from over. Just be sure to back-off and give her some space for now. Don't even be tempted to drop her a quick text telling her that you hope she's ok. The balls in her court now, she knows where you are if she wants to discuss things. It might be a case of right place, wrong time. But if she appreciates you enough, she'll be back on her own accord when and if it is the right time for her.

 

Try not to hold onto too much hope and keep yourself busy in the meantime.

[papahobo]

I am taking the advice on withholding contact. I still find myself checking my phone every few minutes to see if i have missed a text, which is insane I know. I wish I knew if she was really giving things thought or if she sent me that text yesterday to just appease me and make me feel better... and maybe ease her guilt about dumping me pretty much on my birthday.

 

I guess you are right though, the ball is in her court now. She knows what I want and that I am available to talk. Nothing more I can do is there?

[LousySpy]

I am taking the advice on withholding contact. I still find myself checking my phone every few minutes to see if i have missed a text, which is insane I know. I wish I knew if she was really giving things thought or if she sent me that text yesterday to just appease me and make me feel better... and maybe ease her guilt about dumping me pretty much on my birthday.

 

I guess you are right though, the ball is in her court now. She knows what I want and that I am available to talk. Nothing more I can do is there?

 

She could've just been easing her guilt, yes. My ex was good at that. I'm sure she has given it some thought but you need to respect that she hasn't made it a priority at the moment. It's hard being in limbo, though, I know. But as hard as it is to accept, you need to work with what you do know for now. And that's that she said if she had to make a decision now it would be 'no'. If you attempt any contact, you'll only push her further away from you and towards that hasty decision. You obviously don't want that.

 

You seem to have handled yourself admirably so far, done all the right things in the immediate aftermath. Told her what you want without pressuring her, then backed off. She'll appreciate and respect you for that I'm sure. As for anything else you can do, there's plenty. But not for her, for yourself. Try to keep yourself as busy as possible. And stop looking at that phone every few minutes! Don't be at her beck and call, you'll lose that respect. Even if she does get in touch, play it cool and don't get back to her straight away. Good luck and take care.

[savignon]

the ball is in her court now. She knows what I want and that I am available to talk. Nothing more I can do is there?

Exactly. All you can do is back alll the way off and hope for the best.

[Ms Darcy]

So there were no bumps along the way in the relationship?

[papahobo]

About there being any bumps in the relationship.. I thought that over long and hard. I was trying to see if there was anything I had overlooked or glossed over. But honestly, until this week I thought everything had been about as smooth as a relationship could be.

 

The previous week she was still in full flirt mode, I sensed nothing. But when she broke down on the trip it was like she became a completely different person. I almost without a doubt think if i had not been there that week this would have not happened. In hindsight, I pushed the wrong way at the worst time.

[papahobo]

Well yesterday was my first whole day without any contact from her since we have been together. It hurt more than I realized it was going to. Still haven't completely gotten out of the habit of looking for new texts since we used to do that so much. I was down a lot this weekend and didnt feel like doing much but I have decided starting today I am going to start some new routines. I am going to find a gym and sign up using my new found free time as a motivation to get in the best shape ever.

[Puckdog27]

You are doing the right thing in backing off. She doesnt seem to be one to deal well with stress, and for you to "push" will create stress and she will resent you for it. If everything you say here is accurate, you havent crossed the line....dont get impatient and cross. She may not come back, but at least you wont have pushed her away.

 

Do nothing and you can do nothing wrong.

[papahobo]

Well it's been 2 days since she last texted saying she would do as I asked and think over things. No contact in 48 hours seems like 4 weeks. I am starting to doubt I will hear any results of her thinking things over.

[Kia-Kaha]

papahobo,

 

It has only been 48 hours. I know it feels like 48 days or weeks, but she is thinking things over and not making a hasty decision. Maybe she has been crazy busy at work or home for the last 2 days and has not had a moment to herself to think.

 

Backing off is super-hard (look at my threads and you will see how tough it has been on me) but you have to do it. You can not push her right now. But you also have to be patient, you are already having doubts of hearing from her?

 

Try not to wait around for her to contact you, get out and get busy doing stuff. It will make the time go much faster. I just wish I could take my own advice but that's why I have you other guys and gals on here ;-)

[1guygirl]

papahobo,

 

It has only been 48 hours. I know it feels like 48 days or weeks, but she is thinking things over and not making a hasty decision. Maybe she has been crazy busy at work or home for the last 2 days and has not had a moment to herself to think.

 

Backing off is super-hard (look at my threads and you will see how tough it has been on me) but you have to do it. You can not push her right now. But you also have to be patient, you are already having doubts of hearing from her?

 

Try not to wait around for her to contact you, get out and get busy doing stuff. It will make the time go much faster. I just wish I could take my own advice but that's why I have you other guys and gals on here ;-)

 

^ absolutely

 

she may have felt smothered when she jus needed to be in her own self that day, and now shes come back home with crap loads of other stuff to contend with and she hasnt really had time to herself...and then you contact her about "us" ...she will feel this as pressure and react by getting annoyed at you. dont take that chance. sweat it out, cos we all know on here jus what NC feels like but reason we kick it in so bloomin hard is cos most of us panicked and went a lil crazy and didnt give space to our partners...and we paid the price

 

of course we cant say she will come back for def, but you have a much better chance that she does if you lether breathe, chill and she may even panic herself and think "oh no, ive pushed him away"

 

its a game and i hate the game, but im learning either play it or get off the field

[papahobo]

Ok points well taken. I knew down inside that I had to let her make the next move but like you guys say, easier said than done. Just talked to a girl friend of mine and she gave me the same advice. I swear the hardest part is just not understanding the real reason why. If I had seen it coming or it had been building to this, I think it would be easir to just accept.

[1guygirl]

absolutely, its perplexing when youre the one going through it...but try see it like this...you will find out when you next see her. she will tell you and you'll be calm and she'll think "hey i can speak to this guy and hes cool, i can trust him in the future if somethings on my mind cos i know hes not gunna kick off or get all heavy on me"

 

for us lasses, when guys pressure us or snap at us when we are trying to talk to them about our feelings, we dont forget it, and clam up. So cool and rational yet strong n steady is the best way hands down...we open up more and more that way

 

jus a thought

[papahobo]

Well, I couldn't do it.

 

I saw that she had removed our pics from her facebook and something snapped and I had to know why she was acting like this. I texted and asked if we could talk on the phone, and she said yes, tomorrow she would have time. So I called the next day.

 

I had to know the real reason she decided to call it off. She gave me some not so good reasons at the start that I didn't fully believe and I could tell she was holding back so I said just tell me. And she did. She still has feelings for an ex. A guy from an on again off again relationship that lasted about 3 years but had large periods of being off too. This guy didnt want a committed relationship and was never going to marry. She hasn't been with him for a year before we got together. She said she thought she was completely over it but she realized feelings were still there.

 

I actually felt better knowing it wasn't anything I had done or not done. I asked her if they were getting back together and she said no. She just needed to deal with her feelings. She asked if I hated her and I said no. I asked if she would think about the things I had said and leave the door open for us and she said she would. And so that is pretty much how we left it. She told me she felt better after the talk.

 

One little side note.. she mentioned that she had looked up this girl on my facebook who makes comments a lot. It was someone she had shown a bit of jealousy towards the week before. I'm not sure why she would care now since she left me.

 

Well, I know I broke the who NC thing but she said she had expected me to call to talk again because of the way we left things before and she was supposed to be thinking some things over. I can't say I regret doing it. For the sake of my own sanity I needed to know the real reasons. I love her and miss her but I am not holding my breath at this point. I have decided to quickly move on and if she happens to come calling one day, well she does.

[Ms Darcy]

I have decided to quickly move on and if she happens to come calling one day, well she does.

 

I think that if she does come calling that you will be long over her and off to a new relationship. Best of luck to you.

[papahobo]

Well, she texted my today. Just asking some random question about how things were going at this new gym I joined. It turned into a 90 minute texting session about nothing of real relevance. Not sure what to make of all that.

[Ms Darcy]

It means she's using you to get over you.