Sorrento Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Hi, I was on here a while ago to do with a separate issue that I had (long story, all over with now, thank GOODNESS). Anyway, I find myself back here as I don't know how to approach this. My best guy friend and I have always been very close. He has a girlfriend, who I know. The trouble is, about 3months ago he declared he was in love with me. He tried breaking up with his girlfriend, but somehow (yes, I am aware it could have only been a very feeble attempt on his half) they carried on together. Anyway, we had a deadline where I said I would not be able to be his friend or anything else if by then he wasn't either single, or willing to be JUST my friend. That deadline was in view of several things that were coming up. So the last of the 'things' is next saturday, and I have said the middle of July is the deadline. I do not speak to him about anything other than friend stuff because I am against infidelity, but I kinda feel like me and him are "meant to be" and even if that is totally wrong, I do not want to lose his friendship if I can at all help it. Trouble is, his girlfriend has had some terrible news now, and he has completely switched off from me. Again, I understand and I was the one who told him to concentrate on her. We had had a minor row a few days before the news about her, and he now is totally silent to me. I would normally hear from him all day everyday, but now nothing. And I don't know what to do. Is this his way of walking away? Will I be able to be his friend (or am I being completely naive?) I guess it means so much to me because of everything that happened before, he was the one who was there for me. He literally is my very best friend and now I feel like he's gone Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Sorry, he has a girlfriend and I am pretty sure that she knows that he has feelings for you. You need to decide if you two can actually be friends because he is not going to break up with her for you. The list of things to be "done" is an ultimatum, which has been proven to be on here a dangerous path to follow. If he is not talking to you right now, then you should back off some and maybe contact him in a few weeks or even a month or two from now. Until then, there is nothing that you can do. Link to comment
Sorrento Posted June 25, 2010 Author Share Posted June 25, 2010 I know, and I do genuinely feel awful about all of it. I have never "done" anything with him, and I do my best to never ever discuss "me and him" with him as that would be disgustingly disrepectful towrds her. But I do love him. I thought the ultimatum would put a deadline on all of this madness, because I want it to be either "we're friends" or "we're together" not this stupid no-mans land. And I am also very wary of getting involved in anything at all to do with emotional cheating. Which I accept this could be deemed as, but I don't want to walk away from my friend. I sound very selfish in all of this, and probably I am being. Maybe the best thing would be for me to walk away? Link to comment
preciousgirl82 Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 You just may need to walk away right now. Emotional cheating can be just as painful, or worse, than physical cheating. If you are not careful you are going to lose both of your friends. If his girlfriend is going through things right now he is obligated to be there for her. I know you guys are close friends but that's his girl. Stick to your guns about this deadline because he needs to make a choice. If he is going to stay with his girl then i suggest backing away long enough to get your emotions in order. You'll need to take time to yourself to make sure that when you see/speak to him again you wont be blinded by your feelings for him. Or worse, you dont want to create an affair situation (these things never end well). You have a friendship on the line so be careful with your decision. Link to comment
Sorrento Posted June 25, 2010 Author Share Posted June 25, 2010 True. I definitely do not want it to get to an affair stage, so maybe this is a good thing and that after not speaking for a while we can be best friends again. I guess Im finding his silence difficult because we have never not spoken for more than a day before, and normally this is the kind of situation where I'd be there for him. It would appear that he is totally ignoring me now, and so I'm taking it hard because the friendsip appears to be over, this more than anything else is what bothers me. One of the three times we spoke about me and him, I turned around and said that I didnt think he would leave her for me (for various reasons) and he asked me not to walk away, to be patient until "the deadline". I dont know if he still thinks this way or if thats now changed? I just dont know where I am anymore Link to comment
Sorrento Posted June 27, 2010 Author Share Posted June 27, 2010 I miss my friend Still no word at all so I figure he must have cut me out now. I can't think of any other reason why I haven't heard a thing. Very sad. Sorry - just venting Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 I think you need to walk away, because for whatever reason, he has made his choice at this point in time and it is the girlfriend. He may really enjoy having you as a 'backup plan', but there is nothing in that for you. You were 100% correct to have him either breakup with the girlfriend, or have the two of you be just friends. Otherwise he's in a have his cake and eat it too scenario, and has two women, and no reason to leave his girlfriend, while you are the just the girl on the side that he tell his girlfriend is just a friend. I know it is so sad, but really, you need a boyfriend who is yours alone, and you need friends where it isn't complicated by romantic feelings. So it is hard to break the habit, but in the long run, it is better for you to find a faithful boyfriend, and friends who aren't playing with romance on the side. Link to comment
1guygirl Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 I know it is so sad, but really, you need a boyfriend who is yours alone, and you need friends where it isn't complicated by romantic feelings. So it is hard to break the habit, but in the long run, it is better for you to find a faithful boyfriend, and friends who aren't playing with romance on the side. indeed. im not judging you here cos ive been in similar boat, but imagine if your guy had a female friend who he had deep feelings for, phoned her every day, spent cosy times with her...its not cool is it, and he should do the decent thing and let her go to find someone who will love her 100% and you deserve to find someone who if they love you as much as they say, they back that up with actions. youve done this the right way, but even then you must face walking away from this, until he mans up, and breaks up with his poor gf and then starts with you after a period of time Link to comment
Sorrento Posted June 27, 2010 Author Share Posted June 27, 2010 I know, deep in my heart that this is the best way. I just wish it wasn't complicated because I really miss my friend. But if this is how it has to be then that's for the best in the end. I wish it could have just stayed normal between us. Then this wouldn't have happened. But you win some you lose some I guess. Thanks for the comments guys, I appreciate it Link to comment
Sorrento Posted June 30, 2010 Author Share Posted June 30, 2010 I wish I knew I would find someone that I could be 100% myself with, no matter what. He was that person. I cannot believe all of the things he has said and done in the time we have known eachother, and he is willing to now cut me out COMPLETELY as though I were nothing. I believed he was a "root", he always came back, even when we had times that meant we didn't speak for a while. I don't want him to be a leaf or a branch. I don't know why he has not responded in any way shape or form at all to anything I said via email last week. This is day 8 of having heard nothing at all. Day 7 NC from me. And nothing. From my best friend, my soulmate (and I mean that in terms of friendship, nevermind anything else). I am breaking my own heart over this, and I cannot see someone willingly putting themselves through this, unless it's because that's what they truly want. I am 24 years old. Everything has lost it's sparkle. I don't have him to tell about my good days and bad days, the little and the big things. I don't want to spend the next few years surrounded by friends and family who are all happily coupled up, settled and committed. With me alone. I am frightened of being alone, of never connecting like this again. I have had serious relationships, and not so serious relationships. He has been there through it all. He knows the very core of me. And I feel like I don't know him at all now. I realise that people have felt this way before, having lost "the one" for them. How do you get through that? How do you come to realise they weren't the one when everything in you screams that they are and only settle when you accept it. Because for two years he has been telling me precisely that we are soulmates, that we will be together. He gained nothing physically from me. Can an emotional attachment be enough to make a person lie to someone to keep them there? I know this is selfish. I know I am wrong. I hate myself for every second of what I'll refer to as the "emotional affair" stage. She does not deserve any of it. And I NEED to leave it be unless he chooses to end things with her fairly. But how do you leave your soulmate be? Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 I wish I knew I would find someone that I could be 100% myself with, no matter what. He was that person. But how do you leave your soulmate be? When he told you he was in love with you, did you make it clear that you felt this way too? Link to comment
Sorrento Posted June 30, 2010 Author Share Posted June 30, 2010 Yes. And I know it was wrong, and I shouldn't have said it. But I didn't want to leave him thinking that I didn't feel the same way. We discussed it. He said he doesn't want to hurt her, which I totally understand (hence the deadline). But then the last "event" is this saturday, so it was supposed to be over between them soon after that. Then she got this news. And it is really hard news to take, and I understand she will need him and that he feels that he needs to be there for her. I really do get it. I just feel like I've lost my best friend as his last message was " I'm with ____. Can't talk. She (insert bad news here) today." I replied saying I understood and that I'm here when/if he needs me. Now silence. I emailed him three days later to say hi and ask if he was ok and if he needed me to listen or whatever. And he has totally blanked it. Which doesn't sound much but is so unlike him. I just don't know whether to chalk it up to him lying, or if he needs time, or what to do Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted June 30, 2010 Share Posted June 30, 2010 Yes. And I know it was wrong, and I shouldn't have said it. But I didn't want to leave him thinking that I didn't feel the same way.( If he really loved you like he said, and you made it clear you felt the same, he shoulda ended it with her right then and there. Otherwise, if he wasnt willing to end that, he should have never made his feelings known to begin with. I would be weary of anythng with him for the time being. He obviously is very confused. Link to comment
Sorrento Posted June 30, 2010 Author Share Posted June 30, 2010 Very true. Which was my gut instinct. For what it's worth he did try. But as I said to him, trying isn't enough. I hope with everything I have that one day he will be a part of my life again. For now, I'll stumble along without him though guess. Thank you for the honesty, without judgement. Link to comment
Sorrento Posted July 1, 2010 Author Share Posted July 1, 2010 *sigh* Do you even miss our friendship? Do you notice the days going by without it? Link to comment
Sorrento Posted July 6, 2010 Author Share Posted July 6, 2010 I think I might be able to save our friendship. He emailed me a big long essay yesterday, saying he was sorry, that since she got her news he's felt guilty and can't carry on as we were. That he misses me and wants to see and talk to me but he has to stop himself feeling how he does about me because it's not fair, but he's struggling because he can't switch it off. Etc etc. So, am I wrong for thinking that after a period of time we could be friends? Link to comment
marshmallito Posted July 6, 2010 Share Posted July 6, 2010 Yeah, its wrong now if he is struggling to switch off his feelings. Link to comment
Sorrento Posted July 6, 2010 Author Share Posted July 6, 2010 But eventually? Will he be able to switch them off? Or am I better off accepting I lose my best friend and move on? Link to comment
marshmallito Posted July 6, 2010 Share Posted July 6, 2010 Eventually, he will get over it. It's like any break up / crush. His romantic feelings will fade in time provided your friendship was stronger than your romance. Give him space and time. Go NC Link to comment
marshmallito Posted July 6, 2010 Share Posted July 6, 2010 The NC is a joke, but I am serious about the space. Link to comment
Sorrento Posted July 6, 2010 Author Share Posted July 6, 2010 Ok - thank you. NC it is.... How weird that it's kinda exactly NC on his part for now. It doesn't feel great to be on the receiving end of it. But maybe that's because I care about the outcome... Weird to be feeling like a dumper, when no "dumping" has actually happened. Who'd have thought friendships could go like this too?! Seriously though, thank you. I don't want to do anything to damage this now - very fragile bond, so space is right. Thanks Link to comment
Sorrento Posted July 7, 2010 Author Share Posted July 7, 2010 Jeez - this is without a doubt the hardest NC I've ever done. I want to give him space, yet I want my friend back at the same time. I have no idea if his email was just to let me down gently, or if he meant it and will come back HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH A FRIEND?! I thought I was safe from the heartache. Turns out I was wrong Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted July 7, 2010 Share Posted July 7, 2010 HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH A FRIEND?! I thought I was safe from the heartache. Turns out I was wrong You crossed from friend to something else when you both admitted you were in love with each other. Link to comment
Sorrento Posted July 7, 2010 Author Share Posted July 7, 2010 I wish I hadn't I want him to be a part of my life so much. Obviously he's not quite as hell bent on being a part of my life as I want though. Boo. Bad day. Link to comment
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