How to become more manly?

[im rly mad]

I have a very poor history regarding anything that would constitute me as manly... and I'm definitely paying the price for it. I was never interested in sports, cars, cards, UFC, etc. I was interested in geeky things, and now I've developed a hatred of myself that extends into those geeky things that I once enjoyed. The only thing me and a meathead can commonly share are the love of girls (and even then, I guess I'm more of a girl because I care more about an actual relationship than sex itself.)

 

I would want to join the army, but only for the toughening aspect... I hate everything about America, and wouldn't want to fight for it.

 

I need to push myself and get out and do something, what is something "manly" that I could do or participate in? Preferably something that you wouldn't tend to see Spike TV ad.

 

Oh yeah, and I lift but it doesn't really fill me with any feeling of accomplishment or pleasure.

[anu1560]

None of the things you mentioned makes a guy manly. Sports, cars, cards, UFS, Army and whatever. My personal opinion. I find a person manly if he saw a very old guy with lot of grocery bags in his hand in the street and doesn't push/shove him but helps him carry the old mans bags. I find a guy manly if he is taking all the drunk girls in his car and drops them home respectfully. I find a guy manly if he picks up the paint brush and starts painting the fence. I find a guy manly when he kneels down on his knee and proposes to his love. Whats the use of a guy being rough and tough who uses the rouhgness to hurt someone else or to just show off.

[Eclipse11]

Not every girl's looking for a macho man...god I can't bear those macho men in the gym lifting weights...also a lot of women I know love geeks! They're their favourite type of guy...Eclipse x

[im rly mad]

See, I'm constantly told this but it doesn't make me feel any better...

 

I wish I were more of a man's man, maybe because I'm a bit of a narcissist, but they just seem to care less as well.

 

I care way too much about stupid things, and especially my appearance even though I'm not that attractive, and just don't push myself like I should. I've been way too comfortable my entire life and I've just gotten used to it and I need to get out of it.

[In the Dark]

What do you consider manly?

[meteorstrike]

axe throwing

[im rly mad]

What do you consider manly?

 

The first things that come to mind are deep voices and bears.

 

Axe throwing is pretty manly. Fishing is manly. A lumberjack is also very manly.

 

I consider football manly, and the ability to fix cars as manly.

 

But I feel like I won't be able to ever feel or truly be manly, because I never played football in high school. In fact, I didn't play any sport and I didn't really socialize.

 

I would be okay with being the artsy type, but I don't feel artsy because I don't really have the passion or the appreciation for art or music... I like to listen to/play music, but I feel like I don't have the same type of appreciation for it as my truly artsy friends do.

[Periwinkle.]

"Manly" can only be defined by cultural context. Men who deliberately try to act all rough and macho strike me as shallow (as in, they have no depth to their personality) and ridiculous. We are all people- male and female alike. Culture tries to tell us we are from two different planets (That would be, Mars and Venus) but we're actually not.

 

I think what you are looking for is not manliness, but confidence. Be confident and appreciate yourself.

 

I guess I'm more of a girl because I care more about an actual relationship than sex itself

 

You are [nearly] every girl's dream. Please don't change this. ^

[im rly mad]

I think what you are looking for is not manliness, but confidence. Be confident and appreciate yourself.

 

 

 

You are [nearly] every girl's dream. Please don't change this. ^

 

Here's the thing though; I care too much about it. I'm disgustingly "needy". That is primarily why I feel so feminine and like I lack manliness. I hate guys like me, they're (I'm) really annoying. I don't want to care at all about relationships or sex, I want to focus on myself and learn to be comfortable with myself, but I feel inhibited by my past and lack of interest in things. I do want confidence, but I'm not really sure where to look anymore considering I've taken the advice and read the books.

[testcase]

I dunno for some reason you'd don't feel manly eh. I mean from my generation video games are manly =D. Haha barley any girls played them back in the day seriously. I guess sport's are good but probably would be tough to play now if you didn't grow up playing them.

 

I dunno I think of being a man as being aggressive when needed. Not taking crap from people. Standing up for yourself. Doing things your way....

 

I bet you do more of that then you think. I guess some advice would be, if you're in the US, start watching football. You can talk to most men about football and you could probably pick up stats and everything real quick.

[In the Dark]

Those are generally too manly.

 

Along with those come the smell of BO and beards as rough as a wire brush lol.

 

What are YOUR interests?

 

Hobbies you have?

[Celestialagape54]

Not every girl's looking for a macho man...god I can't bear those macho men in the gym lifting weights...also a lot of women I know love geeks! They're their favourite type of guy...Eclipse x

 

I totally agree with Eclipse. Not every girl wants that "manly" man.........

[Periwinkle.]

Here's the thing though; I care too much about it. I'm disgustingly "needy". That is primarily why I feel so feminine and like I lack manliness.

 

Why would you classify yourself as "needy"? Do you feel as if you need to be in a relationship to feel complete?

 

I don't want to care at all about relationships or sex, I want to focus on myself and learn to be comfortable with myself,

 

1. In what sense do you feel uncomfortable with yourself? You mentioned you care a lot about looks. So does this have anything to do with physical appearance?

2. If you don't want to care about relationships and sex, why do you feel you have to?

 

but I feel inhibited by my past and lack of interest in things. I do want confidence, but I'm not really sure where to look anymore considering I've taken the advice and read the books.

 

From my experience, I've found that a large part of confidence comes from being skilled at something, or knowledgeable about a certain topic. Perhaps you are going through a time in your life where you are finding out who you want to be. If so you may want to take this time to peruse the topics or activities that interest you.

 

You might also find this post helpful (about confidence):

 

 

[i put a few spaces in there^ make sure you get them out for the link to work.]

[im rly mad]

I dunno I think of being a man as being aggressive when needed. Not taking crap from people. Standing up for yourself. Doing things your way....

 

I bet you do more of that then you think. I guess some advice would be, if you're in the US, start watching football. You can talk to most men about football and you could probably pick up stats and everything real quick.

 

 

First of all, I grew up being a beta male for some reason. I think I got it from my mom (although I guess I have to blame myself), but I was generally a pushover and conformed and always avoided confrontation. I still do that today actually, I try not to, but I've made it habitual. Secondly, is it really worth it to pay that much attention to football? When I'm at family dinners and my close family talks about football its SOOO annoying because they ACT like they care and I know they don't. I can only imagine that other people feel the same way.

 

Those are generally too manly.

 

Along with those come the smell of BO and beards as rough as a wire brush lol.

 

What are YOUR interests?

 

Hobbies you have?

 

My hobbies WERE playing video games through elementary to middle school... when I picked up WoW in high school I made my biggest mistake of my life. I played so much that it has actually makes me feel so entirely guilty about how much time could have been invested in something productive. Then I started smoking weed with a new group of friends and tried to become social, they are the musical type so naturally I conformed and picked up their interests. I don't know how to tell if I'm legitimately interested in something... I never really found my "niche" or passion, nothing really sparked my interest.

 

I feel like I lost touch with myself. I don't care about "things"... I care about people liking me. But I want the opposite.

 

I totally deserve to be in the position I'm in now, I put myself here. I just wish I would have thought about the impact my decisions had when I was a kid. I want to learn from this mistake, but I'm still just wasting my life not really being productive or knowing what to do ever.

 

This is getting off the topic of manliness, but I guess it relates to my problems with self-confidence.

 

EDIT: And Peri, I am definitely at the point in my life where I'm trying to figure out what I want to be. I feel overwhelmed with options and I'm afraid to decide on anything. I don't know how to figure out how to figure out (meant to put that twice) where I want to go or what I want to do.

[Keyman]

What I am reading here isn't about being manly at all, it's about how you see yourself and that you don't particularly like yourself much for who you are. So, taking GIGS you think you will like yourself more if you were more manly. Sure, having muscles has helped me feel better about myself, but muscles alone don't attract the girls, it's confidence. Confidence comes from being totally cool with who you are and not worrying what people think about you. Someone thinks you are stupid for doing something in particular, then that is there problem.

 

I consider myself a geekjock. My favourite pastimes are playing beach volleyball - 3 nights a week - and board games. I like me. I think I'm pretty cool. What I am saying is to change your thinking about yourself, because you could become macho as hell, then people will call you a try hard and you will be back where you are.

[Periwinkle.]

Secondly, is it really worth it to pay that much attention to football? When I'm at family dinners and my close family talks about football its SOOO annoying because they ACT like they care and I know they don't. I can only imagine that other people feel the same way.

 

Oh, yes. You are not alone on this. ^^

It's the same for me. However, despite my lack of interest in football and games of the like, I've come to realize that other people use these things as forms of socialization. It gives them something to talk about (and occasionally, come together for). It's one of those "everyone else is doing it" things. Most of the people who are like your family don't even think twice about it.. they just allowed themselves to be conditioned into the 'football watching' lifestyle and it simply became part of them. I actually like this about you though-- it shows me that you are not easily susceptible to societal influences. You're an independent thinker.

 

My hobbies WERE playing video games through elementary to middle school... when I picked up WoW in high school I made my biggest mistake of my life. I played so much that it has actually makes me feel so entirely guilty about how much time could have been invested in something productive.

 

It's entirely understandable that you feel you have wasted your time doing these things. I spent my middle and high school years playing an online game similar to WoW. So I can empathize with your feelings of guilt over time lost (not to mention money lost). You sound like you are quite young still (college years?), but anyways it's never too late for you to find yourself. And if in fact you are young, what you are going through is completely normal.

 

I feel like I lost touch with myself. I don't care about "things"... I care about people liking me.

 

What's important is not that people like you, but that you love and accept yourself. But I think you are aware of this, thus the reason you are asking us to help you become more manly. However, I highly doubt that becoming 'manly' is going to give you what you are looking for. The fact that you depend on others for your happiness suggests a low self-esteem.

 

I'm going to quote a section of the confidence link I gave because this is the part that I think is very relevant and useful for you in what you are going through:

 

 

hexaemeron says:

 

Confidence means knowing that losing something will not destroy you.

 

You must live your life with an understanding that nothing is more important than being who you are. People can and will come and go, for all manner of reasons. Some people will laud you and others will revile you and no matter how many hoops you jump through, no matter how much you try to control your image, people will make their own decisions about you.

 

You have no control over this. None. People get caught up in this idea that they have the power to "win" people over, or "If I change x, y and z, I can totally land this person!"

 

But in the end, people become brittle and tired of facades and the energy required to maintain them. People rely on others to provide this energy and by extension, completely propping up their confidence and self-esteem.

 

And when life happens and those people go away, what are you left with? The awareness that you're right back where you started: with only yourself and your old problems.

 

And this is why dependence on others is a weakness that you shouldn't allow yourself to have.

 

I feel overwhelmed with options and I'm afraid to decide on anything. I don't know how to figure out how to figure out (meant to put that twice) where I want to go or what I want to do.

 

Again, totally normal. Now I think I understand the comment about not wanting to care about sex or relationships. You feel confused and like you need to find yourself and be comfortable with yourself before you can ever fully let someone else in. (Or at least, that how i feel, so correct me if I'm wrong.) As for figuring out how to figure out what you need to do, only you can help yourself with that because only you can know what you like and don't like. You are a beautiful and unique snowflake.

 

Ask yourself this and go from there: If you could picture yourself living happily 10 years from now, what would that be like? I am going through many of the same things, so if you want to talk more casually, feel free to PM me ^^

[Someday_Soon]

Here are some thoughts about manly behavior that will gain you some admirers-

 

1) If you have a habit of whining or complaining openly about minor details in a given situation you find yourself in, drop it. No one is attracted to the spoiled/whiney mentality, especially in men. It shows a lack of toughness and insecurity as well as dysfunctional problem solving and social skills.

 

2) Check out your posture when walking, sitting, eating, etc. I was surprised at how bad my posture was once when I saw myself on video years ago, and I never realized it before. Good posture projects confidence and composure.

 

3) Here's one in the cosmetic category: pale, saggy skin is so not manly. If you can tan in the sun get outdoors when you can. Cut down on sodium intake to 1500 mg or less per day and get plenty of rest and excersize. Sitting in front of the TV/computer for hours a week drinking coke and eating chips is an appearance killer as is most activites that render you senescent.

 

4) Grown some neatly trimmed facial hair if you haven't. This one is lost cost/low maintenance and gives you a more manly appearance.

 

5) Wear clothes designed for men, and get rid of unisex apparel. Both sexes look less sexy when wearing articles of clothing that are nondescript.

[BurnerMan]

I have a very poor history regarding anything that would constitute me as manly... and I'm definitely paying the price for it. I was never interested in sports, cars, cards, UFC, etc. I was interested in geeky things, and now I've developed a hatred of myself that extends into those geeky things that I once enjoyed.

 

As other posters have already stated, the "manliness" of any of this is purely a cultural construct at most. If it doesn't apply to you or it doesn't suit your purposes, there's nothing inherently wrong with that.

 

Why do you really have that hatred of yourself?

 

I would want to join the army, but only for the toughening aspect... I hate everything about America, and wouldn't want to fight for it.

Then don't join. I would not doubt that the military is quite an intense and serious professional commitment, especially in this age of war. Fighting for the nation is a very real possibility.

 

What sort of "toughening" is it that you really seek?

 

I need to push myself and get out and do something, what is something "manly" that I could do or participate in? Preferably something that you wouldn't tend to see Spike TV ad.

If you don't want to watch Spike TV or other TV, then that's easy to fix. Get up off the couch and do whatever it is that you do like to do.

 

Oh yeah, and I lift but it doesn't really fill me with any feeling of accomplishment or pleasure.

 

If you desire fitness, I'm certain there are other ways if you don't find lifting fun.

 

 

 

Axe throwing is pretty manly.

 

If axe throwing is something you're interested in, why not take it up? It seems to be a sport that isn't too equipment-heavy, and doesn't seem to be too much trouble as long as you have access to sufficient open spaces and take proper safety measures.

 

 

Fishing is manly. A lumberjack is also very manly.

 

I consider football manly, and the ability to fix cars as manly.

 

Do you want to choose these paths?

 

Note that some men work in aquaculture or forestry or sports or automotive-mechanics and live satisfying lives, and others may do so and live miserable ones. (Just like any other profession that any man [or woman!] might choose.)

 

 

I would be okay with being the artsy type, but I don't feel artsy because I don't really have the passion or the appreciation for art or music... I like to listen to/play music, but I feel like I don't have the same type of appreciation for it as my truly artsy friends do.

 

Why do you need to be a "type" at all?

[im rly mad]

Look, I suppose I don't care about the manliness aspect. I care more about getting the girls that tend to be attracted to the manly type, because I've dug myself into a disposition that just asks to be avoided by people and looked down upon. Looking at my past keeps me here, I try to be conscious enough to change the way I think and the things I do, but I don't know how to get where I want. I don't even know what I want, actually I do, I want to not care about anybody else or their opinions, and I want to find something that makes me say, "Wow, I could do this for the rest of my life and enjoy it." But I'm so attached to results as opposed to actually having fun and being present that I get discouraged ridiculously easy. THIS is why I never stuck with a sport. I felt like I sucked, so therefore I thought I would always suck, and I gave up. I'm still like that with EVERYTHING I do today.

 

I guess primarily what I was looking for was what Someday Soon posted about the whining and complaining... I've been like that my entire life, I need to change but I don't change. I've just been seeking escape through things like video games, food, friends, weed, and just doing pointless things. Self-confidence comes from being proud of some sort of skill or experience, that skill or experience comes from being in the present to actually enjoy and embrace what you are doing. I am so attached to my past and everything about it that it prevents me from being present, in fact I feel so attached to it that I doubt I'll ever be able to become unbound from it.

[Periwinkle.]

What kind of girls are attracted to the manly type? I myself am attracted to the more sensitive guy (Which I suppose society would classify as "feminine" on some aspects) so I am curious as to which girls you are referring to. Everyone has their own taste, and girls are people too; we are not all alike.

 

You should really just move on. Instead of spending all your time being ashamed of your past, spend all your time making sure that your future is different. The past is the past and there is nothing we can do to change it. But you DO have the power to change your future, so unless you want to keep looking back in disappointment as your life slips by, you should take the initiative to make a change for the better. What is something that you could do that would make you feel proud?

 

 

It's not about changing who you are (ie, becoming what society views as 'manly' or tough), it is about personal growth.

 

Good luck, I really hope you find what you're looking for.

[In the Dark]

well from what you have said so far....

It looks like manilness is not the issue here.

 

It's more about craving yourself into something you want to truly be.

 

Your interest in gaming conflicts with the whole manly thing.

 

But then again......over in Korea gamers of star craft are looked upon as superstars lol.

 

You need to find your niche and be good at it.

 

Find a hobby which you enjoy that you can grow from.

Know it inside and out.

From there you get your self-confidence because YOU know you know something more than other people.

 

For example....since yo do gaming....I would assume you also know about computers.

Although I know WoW does not take a Goliath machine to run it, the part of truly knowing what a makes a machine a killer for gaming is a start to having knowledge which a fair few people do not.

[im rly mad]

Here's a perfect example of what I am talking about actually, I am meaning manliness.

 

-Tonight I go to friends house (hes kind of a bro and has a bro roommate)

-I play beer pong with them

-I suck at beer pong

-I get made fun of for being bad at beer pong

-It hurts my feelings, I do my best not to show it (I don't think I do at all)

-I leave, and will hate myself for not being more manly in my life

 

It just seems to always happen. The girls there were all over the guys, even they were making fun of me. I don't know, I messed up not developing social skills, and not attempting to. I guess that is the price I'm paying right now, I just feel like I'm not even on a road to solving any of these issues. I literally don't know where to go for a solution... Which is why I want to kill myself in the first place. I can't find a place to look for a solution here, in a psychologists office, meditating, by believing god, etc.

 

So where do you go from here? How do you get on the path to self-help if you don't even know where to begin to look to start to look where you need to begin?