Towelie132 Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 ~~~Post name says it... but here's the dead-honest details Confessions of Mine - 2:30PM Wednesday, June 16, 2004 Some people see in me a lost, confused, strange boy. Some people see in me a bright, shining, happy teenager. The first people I mentioned were correct... until early this morning. I met a guy on the internet. He was the first I confessed to. He gave me courage to come clean to the one. Ranin spent the night last night. I was kicking myself because I did not confess when I had the chance. I finally told Ranin I had something important to tell him. This was at 5:30AM. I could not get it out through words. I tried typing it on the computer, whispering it in Ranin's ear, and even playing charades. So I signed onto my AIM account and told the guy I met over the internet to tell Ranin my confession for me. I stepped out of the room as thirteen years of my life were compacted into a simple sentence written by a guy named Dan over the internet. I could not go back into the room where Ranin was after that. I went outside and knocked on the window to the room. I asked Ranin if he was told about my confession. He confirmed. I continued on into the room. I sat next to Ranin feeling very uncomfortable. To break the uncomfortable silence, Ranin said, "I do not care that you're gay." After longer periods of silence, I was still feeling lost and helpless. There was still one more thing I needed to tell him. This could not be expressed by anything but words, though the words were hard to find... "I love you like a best friend, Ranin. But I'm also in love with you." Ranin obliged and told me one of his confessions. This confession shocked me even more than my confession might shock some of you. I told Dan on the internet about Ranin's confession. Dan continued to tell me that Ranin might be inaccurate with his confession. Dan says Ranin just needs to take out the "C" word and stick with only the "B" word. That is what Dan said. Dan, who is homosexual, like me, should know what he is talking about. Ranin, basically, could be wrong about himself. Dan says Ranin's not just "B-C". He could be completely "B". Ranin may not agree with this but, a gay nineteen-year-old boy should and may know more about this subject than Ranin. Maybe Dan is right. Maybe Ranin is right. We will see as time unfolds it. Do not jump to conclusions now. There are no facts laid out. I am not calling him "B" or "B-C". I do not have enough information to be sure about anything. Since I do not want to make false assumptions and humiliate anyone, I do not think any of you should either. This is no time to guess or estimate. This is only the beginning of Ranin's story. If he wants it to be, it might also be the end. Ranin's Story - 10:00PM Wednesday, June 16, 2004 Ranin told me at about 5:30AM that he is bi-curious. He also said that he would keep me in mind if he ever wanted to have a boyfriend. I talked to him about those statements at about 8:00PM. He told me the same thing. That he is Bi-Curious now and that he will keep me in mind. After leaving his house at about 9:00PM, I went onto AIM and talked to Ranin about it again. This time Ranin had a new story. He said that I did not hear all of what he had to say in his earlier statements. He said that what he really meant was different. He said that he really was bi-curious at one point but isn't now. He also said we would never have a shot together. His new story completely contradicts his old story from this morning. Now Ranin continues with his new story and denies his old story. I personally think he is lying about his new story. Maybe not. All I know is he brought my hopes up by telling me he would keep me in mind if he ever wanted a boyfriend and... less than twenty-four hours later... he told me we would never have a shot which crashed me down so damn hard. Dan, the guy from the internet, has talked to Ranin about how much he hurt me and how much his new story contradicts the old story. Right now I am confused. I do not know which story to believe. I do not know about Ranin. I hope the old story is the true story. Summary * Ranin got my hopes up this morning * Ranin crushed my heart tonight * He first said he is bi-curious * He then said he isn't bi-curious * I do not know if he is in denial about being bi-curious * I do not know if he is truly not bi-curious (Now all I feel is that I was lied to, brought to high hopes, and crushed...) My Interpretation * Ranin came out of the closet by telling me everything at 5:30AM * At 9:00PM he realized he was not ready to come out of the closet * Lying and denying was his only way to get back in the closet (That is just what I think...) Ranin's Conversation (Me: Towelie132, Ranin: sv3nsaxam0ph0n3) - 1:00AM Thursday, June 17, 2004 Towelie132: hey ranin sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: ya Towelie132: why did not you answer my question? sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: 1 sec Towelie132: i do not have a sec Towelie132: I have to follow my stupid-ass bedtime Towelie132: my bedtime is 1 Towelie132: it is 1:09 Towelie132: RANIN! Towelie132: DAMNIT Towelie132: YOU'RE AVOIDING THE ANSWER! sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: brb Towelie132: no sv3nsaxam0ph0n3 is away at 1:11:00 AM. Towelie132: not now Auto response from sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: brb (That same scenario happened several times...) Dan's Conversation (Me: Towelie132, Dan: Animefrenzy19) - 1:05AM Thursday, June 17, 2004 Towelie132: Why did you lie to me this morning? You said you ARE Bi-Curious... that was this morning... You said you WERE Bi-Curious... that was 9:30... You said that you'd keep me in mind... that was this morning... You said that did not never have a shot... that was 9:30... Towelie132: That's what I've been asking him for the past 30 minutes Animefrenzy19: oh Towelie132: and so far it is full of BRBs and 1 SECs Towelie132: and away messages that never go away until i log off Animefrenzy19: wow Towelie132: and when i get back on... he goes away again Animefrenzy19: something is up Towelie132: he is avoiding the question and avoiding me... Animefrenzy19: cos everytime you talked about him Animefrenzy19: in the chat Animefrenzy19: itd be like "brb" Towelie132: What do you think is up Animefrenzy19: hiding something Towelie132: I think the what he said this morning is true Animefrenzy19: yeah Towelie132: do not you? Animefrenzy19: basically (Note that Dan should know what he is talking about since he is homosexual...) Paying Jen a Visit - 4:30AM Thursday, June 17, 2004 I just got back from visiting an old friend of mine. Her name is Jen Adams. I had to go see her since I have been avoiding her for so long. I had not seen her in about a month. I did not hang out with her anymore because she wanted me to have a girlfriend and kept trying to get me one. Obviously I do no want a girlfriend. So I avoided her. I told her all of the previous. I also told her everything in this Chronical. In fact, she looks at it everytime she comes. All I did was sneak out my window and sneak into Jen's window. I had to tell her all of this. I couldn't help myself. I was yet again ready to cry my eyes out. I was sick of crying. I had been doing it practically the whole night. I was strong at her house though. I did not shed more than a few tears. I am going to go to sleep now. I probably will not sleep. I'll probably hug my *beep* pillow. It has been through so much "hug abuse" since I met Ranin. Just an Update - 10:30PM Thursday, June 17, 2004 Today I hung out with Jen and showed her my newly updated Chronical. Shortly after, we went over to Ranin's house. He was there. He looked so cute in those shorts. He told us he had to go to lifeguard training and that he couldn't hang out with us. He sounded alright. I still sensed a little uncomfortableness. After we left Ranin's house I felt like breaking down again right there in the middle of the street. Like always, I played it off like I was happy. I truly was not and I still am not. I tryed to get to spend the night at Ranin's house or have him spend the night. Once again, I had to endure another night without him. This is the worst time I could be away from him. I know that every night I am away from him, I say more and more things to other people that Ranin ends up figuring out I told people. He then gets angrier at me. I have a *beep* habit. I always instigate, you know, try and cause drama. I always say things to the wrong people or say the wrong thing to the right person. Sometimes I even say the wrong thing to the wrong person. I do not know how to break my habit because I do not know how I or why I started acting like this. Oh well, I have to talk to people on the internet. Cris's Conversation (Towelie132: Me, Babhee d 0 L L: Cris) - 12:30AM Friday, June 18, 2004 Towelie132: I do eny you... babhee d 0 L L: o0oh babhee d 0 L L: i had to ask ranin what that meant lol im a little slow Towelie132: ... Towelie132: i'm not it the mood for lol babhee d 0 L L: sorry Towelie132: he is the first boy I've felt this strongly for. The first I've ever loved. He was the only one who's ever been this nice to me. he is the first to be this close to me. he is the first to truly be my best friend. I love him. he is the first tangible person I told about my problem. he is been the most understanding. he is my best friend. I'd die if dying truly made him eternally happy. I'm so lost. he is so perfect for me. he is the first of everything. I wouldn't take anyone you could throw at me over him. I wanna hold him. I wanna feel his warmth. I want to feel loved by him. I want to feel his chest touching mine. I want his body to exchange pulses with mine. I feel safe when he is around. I breathe easier. Sometimes I do not breathe at all. I feel tingles of strange new sensations just thinking about him. I can't describe those feelings. I want to know that we have trust together. Love. To share. I need him. My body, soul, and mind... need his body, soul, and mind. I do not care if he hates me. I'll still love him. I'm so sad. If I had one wish... I wouldn't wish for his love. I wouldn't want his love to come from magic. I want it to be genuine. I need him so so much. He doesn't know how happy we could both be. I love him so much. I do not wanna keep hugging my pillow pretending it is him... I need his love... I want him... I want to always be with him... I want him to always be with me. I'm so upset with myself. I'm angry at myself for getting in this deep. I'm scared. I'm worried about him never loving me. I've gotten nacsious over the thought of it. I wish he could know how much pain i'm in and how much I love him and need him. babhee d 0 L L: woaw that's really deep man you guys are still friends though right? Towelie132: i dont know... i wanna be the most i can to him... Towelie132: I want him to know how i feel' Towelie132: but i can't get it said, typed, or anything Towelie132: i can get it said to anytone else Towelie132: just not... him... Towelie132: I need him to know in any way possible babhee d 0 L L: o0o0ohh Towelie132: I need him to know all of just everything I've told you.... Towelie132: but how can i tell him without saying it or typing it? Towelie132: that would be the best ways Towelie132: but... i'm too ashamed Towelie132: and worst of all... i do not think it'll matter to him... babhee d 0 L L: dont be ashamed though Towelie132: I can't fight this battle.... it is too impossible Towelie132: I'm beyond tears right now Towelie132: I'm all out of those Towelie132: my body is shaking babhee d 0 L L: =[ just try and be youu dont let anything else come in the way of your friendship .. youll be able to tell him when the time is right Towelie132: I'm getting stress nosebleeds that I normally only get when I'm truly truly upset Towelie132: I've had 24 over him in a week Towelie132: he was there for 22 of them Towelie132: and he did not know they were over him babhee d 0 L L: woaw does it happen when you think of him or because he is right in front of you? Towelie132: It happens when I truly want something more than anything else and I know I can't get it.... babhee d 0 L L: ohhhh Towelie132: The last time I had these was when my parents divorced babhee d 0 L L: =[ im sorry Towelie132: I'm upset enough over ranin that I'm as upset as I one when my parents divorced.... Towelie132: That's how truly upset I am Towelie132: And worst of all... he told me he would keep me in mind... because he is curious and all... but... now he says we'll never have a chance Towelie132: He brought me up to so high of hopes Towelie132: then he dropped me Towelie132: I went from the happiest I've felt in my life... to worse than i felt when my parents divorced..... Towelie132: in an instant Towelie132: that all happened Towelie132: it did not happen over time... I dropped in an instant babhee d 0 L L: im sorry travis i mean im not quite sure what i can do right now but like is there anything i could do that could help?? Towelie132: Ranin mentioned being "Bi-Curious" one morning, and that he would keep me in mind as a bf... then... hours later... he told me that he isn't bi-curious and that did not never have a chance... I want to know why he did that to me... told me one thing and then another... I've already asked him... maybe he'll listen to you... Towelie132: And tell me what he says Towelie132: but do not tell him i asked Towelie132: that's all anyone can do for me... Towelie132: if he loves you as much as he says he does... he'll tell you the truth.... babhee d 0 L L: okk hold on for a minute Towelie132: k Towelie132: any more than that will emotionally kill me babhee d 0 L L: he has told me like when he was younger he had his time about being confused on that but that was then he said andd he said he isnt bicurious Towelie132: That's what he told me a few hours after he had already told me that he IS bi-curious Towelie132: He told me TWO DIFFERENT things.... he is only telling you the second one babhee d 0 L L: o0hhhh Towelie132: he is not lying to you... but he is not telling you the whole truth... babhee d 0 L L: oohhh ok i see Towelie132: Tell him to tell you EXACTLY what he told ME at 5:30 that one morning.... babhee d 0 L L: ok Towelie132: I have to leave you alone before I lose a friendship... I can't talk... I have to leave you out or he'll hate me... I can't lose him... sorry... (I had to block her or Ranin would hate me...) Ranin's Conversation - 1:15AM Friday, June 18, 2004 sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: dude im about to go to your house n punch the *beep* lights out of you sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: leave cris outta this sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: she has nothing to do with this sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: you never shouldve said nething about her or to her Towelie132: she is in the triangle... Towelie132: sorry... sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: im so close to *beep* killing you Towelie132: she has a right to know sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: dude its not funny sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: leave her alon sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: e sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: *alone sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: she *beep* knows sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: but i dont need you iming her telling her im *beep* bi curious sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: im not sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: im *beep* straight sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: get that through your *beep* skull sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: im straight your gay sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: i dotn want to be with you sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: ill be your friend but not your little bf sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: so shut the *beep* up dude sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: i dont want to be with you at all sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: n if you cant get that through your skull well god help you sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: pray or sumthing sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: cause you need help sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: i dotn *beep* like guys sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: in that way sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: i like girls sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: i like cris sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: i love cris sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: cris is all i *beep* have to live for dude sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: if she dies or leaves me or w/e the sort im nothing sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: just leave me n her alone sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: cant you get that? sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: dont you get that sv3nsaxam0ph0n3: damn Towelie132: if you'd actually be true with yourself for awhile... you'd realize that you do not only have JUST her.... that all i have to say (Shortly after I blocked him. His away message also said "outta the room... maybe even outta the house...) My Long Night - 4:10AM Friday, June 18, 2004 I did it again! I caused more *beep* drama! Now Ranin must be pretty damn pissed and I feel like *beep*. I feel sorry for dragging Cris into this. It is that stupid habit I mentioned earlier. This is the same night that all the Cris drama happened. At about 1:35AM, I told my parents I was going to sleep. I then snuck out of my window to go to Ranin's house. I knew he was angry and I did not want him to go to sleep while he is angry at me. I was worried he would think about it too much and acquire a disliking for me. And because of his away message, I worried even more. I thought he left the house to come beat the *beep* out of me. Even if he did, I would still love him all the same. It was probably about 1:40AM when I finally reached his house. I ran into a damn cop patrolling around. Why does this base have to have a curfue? I made it to Ranin's house and saw that he was in his living room. So I crept accross the street and perched myself down low behind a tree, waiting for a glint or change of light coming from his bedroom window. That time finally came. Ranin's conversation from his window was very brief and I do not fully remember it. It was probably due to the fact that I was so upset, that I do not remember this particular conversation. He asked me what the *beep* I was doing and how long I had been out. I told him I really needed to say I was sorry and I did not want to screw up our friendship. I told him I had been out there since at least a quarter until 2:00AM waiting for him. He then asked me something very strange. "You did not see me climb through my window?" He told me that he, in fact, did leave his house, just like his away message said. He told me he was going to go to my window and talk to me about something. He said he was not sure what this something was. Basically, I came to his house and hid behind that tree shortly after Ranin had gotten back from a quest to talk to me. I told him that some people think he is in denial. That was a huge mistake. I told him that Dan, Cat, Sarah, Kris, and I all thought he was. That was another mistake. Mainly because I did not have the right to just say they think that he is in denial. I actually do not know for a fact that any of them actually thought that way. That statement got Ranin angry. He told me would talk later on today. He closed the window on me. I dropped to the ground. I bawled my eyes dry for what seemed like forever. I finally got going, realizing he was not coming back. I picked up a bike sitting by his window, slung it accross his front yard, and said, "You know what? *beep* it!" As I walked away, I put the bike back by the window. As soon as a few cops went by, I started off home. On the way, I realized that I did not want to be alone. I stopped off at Jen's house again and gave her, yet again, another update. I kept spilling my love for Ranin out to her. I was all mushy and corny, but it is all true. I had her call Ranin. Ranin answered. Jen hid the fact that I was there and told Ranin that she heard about what happened to me because I told her on AIM. I felt like *beep* being in the middle of lying to Ranin. I felt like calling out, "I'm here!" So, we hung out until about 4:00AM and I just got back and here I am writing this. ~~~~~~~What the hell should I do? I need him so badly... and I'm not 100% sure that he's str8.... and please... DO NOT CONTACT ANYONE USING THE ADDRESSES I WROTE!~~~~~~~ Please respond to this post, anyone who cared enough to read it! Link to comment
Towelie132 Posted June 18, 2004 Author Share Posted June 18, 2004 Note that Ranin is 15 and I'm 13... Link to comment
Towelie132 Posted June 18, 2004 Author Share Posted June 18, 2004 Also note that this Cris Ranin says he "loves so much"... he had the balls to lie to her about what he told me (you know... the old story)... he never told her the one he told me... So... I wouldn't call that "love for Cris"... sorry... that just makes her look like Ranin's cover-up... trust me... I've had a few girls I used as cover-ups... Link to comment
wellswomyn Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 Hey, I don't know what you are looking for exactly, as it sounds to me like you have already talked about this at great length with several people. I know what it's like to come out early, have such strong emotions, and feel like you are going to burst. It sucks, but at the same time you should feel really good about the fact that you have already found someone who ignites such fire inside of you, even if it is not reciprocated. If you are looking for an opinion on your situation, here's what I have to say: Ranin might be curious, but you really need to give him time to think about everything and just take it all in. Leave him alone for a week, then casually call him up and do something low key together like see a movie. If you want to pursue him, you need to make him feel comfortable and relaxed around you. Don't get so caught up in YOUR needs that you disregard his. It's a fine line, but it an important one to respect. The more pressure you put on him, and the more desperate you sound, the less interested he will be in exploring anything with you. It sounds like you are actually pushing him away, becoming the annoying 13 year old that follows him around. Don't be that kid! Be strong, think this through, and try not to act impulsively. I hope this helps a little. Has anything new happened since you posted? Link to comment
Meow18 Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 I agree. You need to give him a chance to think. He did tell you 2 different stories, but maybe he's just confused. Maybe he is bi curious still, mabe he isn't, that doesn't matter anymore. The thing is, you cant' be making a big deal out of what he said first because its obviosuly really bothering him. You are going to keep pushing him away & make him not want to be your friend if your getting everyone else involved & complaining that he had 2 stories. I understand that you love him, but he loves you only as a friend. Its hard to deal with, I've loved so many people who didn't love me back, but thats how life can get & life goes on. You are still very young, you have the rest of your life to find someone. Maybe staying away from him for awhile will help you get over him. Thats what you need to do because you keep getting hurt whenever you are around him. If he says he's not bi curious anymore, then trust that. Maybe he told you something different at first, but who knows why he did that. Stop pressuring him about it because thats whats going to make him not want to be your friend. Be happy that at least he accepts you for you, even though he knows that you have feelings for him. I've heard a lot of stories about guys who tell their good friends that they have feelings for them & that just makes the friends hate them. Its horrible that people can be like that, but you seem to have many people who accept you the way you are & thats good. I understand that you are going through a lot of pain right now, but just be happy that you have him as a friend. If you are meant to be with him, things will work out that way in the end. Just live life the way it is right now. Link to comment
Towelie132 Posted June 19, 2004 Author Share Posted June 19, 2004 Sentences are shorter with Ranin now... he now says he doesn't consider me his best friend anymore... he's prioritizing above me... he used to put me above everyone else... if it's what he wants to do... i'm happy for him... and another thing i keep on doing... I keep on saying things the wrong way... Link to comment
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