Burnt - been a looong time

[matius]

So I've just been through the process of being burnt - by burnt I mean used towards the end of a relationship for someone else & then trashed at the end - ya know the typical lame act ... coldness as if she was a complete stranger. Very frustrating!

 

It's sucks at any point but it's been a good long time - I think high school since it happened (10 years at least) so it's hard to remember how much feeling goes with it...

 

I realize I wasn't the best in the relationship - it's true. But I was never cruel. I know it depends on the situation, but can anyone give me some insight into her actions?

 

Weakness - needing someone at all times before moving on? Cheapness - hey maybe some free meals while I play this kid out? Bitter cause she know I wasn't looking for marriage? Maybe it's all of that? I think a good portion of it is weakness - it's easier to make me angry & to feel that well -- hey see he was a jerk anyway you know...

 

All I know is she was too weak or uncaring to break it off and I was I dunno - made to look like a fool? Honestly, I'm not sure what I am suppose to feel like in this... I'm not afraid to be alone but my bond was stronger than that at the end of the day.

[FootofGod]

I don't know some people are just bad people and there's no point trying to figure them out because it won't change anything. They're just heartless and have little to no empathy, so they can hurt people without wondering what the pain they caused is like. As long as it doesn't directly hurt them.

[matius]

Well... I guess you're right and it's tough to tell a snake in the grass when you care about them but ... yea maybe I'm looking to figure how to be wiser but I've answered my own question. You can be on the look out & paranoid but ya never know who you're gonna encounter.

 

I think my own guide from now on will be when I get that initial gut feeling - I be gone. Time to start trusting it.

[Kinkz]

Maybe she had no other choice but to do it.

[surfNski]

Maybe she had no other choice but to do it.

 

BS, there is always a choice in how you treat people. Some people just concentarte on their own wants a needs without caring how it will effect others.

[MsDexter]

BS, there is always a choice in how you treat people. Some people just concentarte on their own wants a needs without caring how it will effect others.

 

That is so true.

[Kinkz]

BS, there is always a choice in how you treat people. Some people just concentarte on their own wants a needs without caring how it will effect others.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with caring about your own wants and needs. Sometimes your own wants and needs don't cater to other people's needs/wishes and for that reason they can become resentful of you, but I don't see how one should stop fulfilling their own hopes and dreams just because it may 'upset' or 'effect' someone else.

 

Hmm Im not saying what she did was right, all im saying is that there are two sides to a story and MAYBE she had her own reasons (like maybe not having a choice) to do what she did.

[matius]

Hmm Im not saying what she did was right, all im saying is that there are two sides to a story and MAYBE she had her own reasons (like maybe not having a choice) to do what she did.

 

Can you explain the not having a choice part though - give me any example to help me understand. I can't really think of anything that would stop her from telling me she's interested in someone else... or is even thinking it. When she knew it was over it was time to come clean. I'm a busy individual & there was time & money wasted - not to sound petty but those are all real issues for me right now. To lose her AND get burned afterward is real crummy thing to do to someone.

 

Actually reading over what you said in #7 I just wanted to clarify again that we were in a relationship - if it wasn't caught.

[Kinkz]

Can you explain the not having a choice part though - give me any example to help me understand. I can't really think of anything that would stop her from telling me she's interested in someone else... or is even thinking it. When she knew it was over it was time to come clean. I'm a busy individual & there was time & money wasted - not to sound petty but those are all real issues for me right now. To lose her AND get burned afterward is real crummy thing to do to someone.

 

Actually reading over what you said in #7 I just wanted to clarify again that we were in a relationship - if it wasn't caught.

 

Im being general here and i can't really make you understand your situation unless i knew all the details. The not having a choice thing.. with that I mean, maybe she didn't have the strength in her to be straight about things and say it like it was. You also think it was a weakness in her, she had no choice but to be weak. I dunno. You also mentioned you wasn't the best in the relationship - that COULD be one of the reasons which stopped her from telling you what she really was feeling/going through. Maybe she expected too much from you and when you couldn't deliver.. she DID end up feeling bitter and wanted some sort of 'revenge' therefore did what she did, not out of choice but out of no choice. Her crazy passion for vengeance probably drove her to burn you.

 

Yes, it is a crummy thing to do. At least morally though, you are clean because you know you wasn't and didn't do anything cruel.

[sand dollar]

stopped her from telling you what she really was feeling/going through. Maybe she expected too much from you and when you couldn't deliver..

What do you think she was really feeling/going through? And what did she expect that left her feeling disappointed that he couldn't deliver? What were her expectations? I know you are just guessing,but I'd like to hear your guess.

[matius]

The not having a choice thing.. with that I mean, maybe she didn't have the strength in her to be straight about things and say it like it was. You also think it was a weakness in her, she had no choice but to be weak. I dunno. You also mentioned you wasn't the best in the relationship - that COULD be one of the reasons which stopped her from telling you what she really was feeling/going through. Maybe she expected too much from you and when you couldn't deliver.. she DID end up feeling bitter and wanted some sort of 'revenge' therefore did what she did, not out of choice but out of no choice. Her crazy passion for vengeance probably drove her to burn you.

Yep. That's what I think too. Honestly this is what I have to believe.

 

What do you think she was really feeling/going through? And what did she expect that left her feeling disappointed that he couldn't deliver? What were her expectations? I know you are just guessing,but I'd like to hear your guess.

Well I could just tell you, no need for guessing. She thought I didn't love her because I do rather than say all the time... her opposite. I could never recover from this. Then when she felt there was no hope she met someone else & kept me around cause she was "conflicted", or wanted to use me or burn me or you name it. What an absolutely frustrating thing... In the end it wasn't about love - it was about her defeatist attitude & she gave up - found someone who was more fun & who might love her. You know that's not the part that's upsetting - if she finds someone else it's fine - but let's just keep it to sad & disappointing & not add infuriating.

[Kinkz]

stopped her from telling you what she really was feeling/going through. Maybe she expected too much from you and when you couldn't deliver..

What do you think she was really feeling/going through? And what did she expect that left her feeling disappointed that he couldn't deliver? What were her expectations? I know you are just guessing,but I'd like to hear your guess.

 

Well yeh, its practically impossible to tell you what i think she was feeling/going through because obviously im not her or know her haha but if i have to hazard a guess to what i think she was feeling/going through then the list would be endless! So i'll pick one just for the sakes of answering your question.

 

She expected/wanted a Mr perfect who would fulfill all her fancies and whims at the snap of a finger, a mr wonderful who was a mind reader and would cater to all her needs and wants, an almost super hero like being who made her happy in all aspects of life. This guy probably did all he could for her but it never was enough for her, she always wanted more and more. When no more came, in her eyes, he failed. She started looking for flaws (this guy says he wasn't the best in the relationship), she used that - in some twisted way and turned tables - it gave her an excuse to build a barrier between him and herself. She wasn't able to communicate her woes to him nomore. It irked her. Mr perfect wonderful started to become not so perfect and wonderful. It shattered her little fantasy world where she believed all her demands would be met. So she planned a way to destroy that world. She did what she had to do (became a stranger to him, turned cold, cruel, harsh).

 

:splat:

[matius]

Almost better than my version!

 

Yea, there was more besides the whole "love" situation for sure. She used the flaws & I became very busy in life -- it's cool and smile-inducing to see though how much a handle you have on this very generic situation. That's one of the things I've been telling myself, I don't want to end with someone so generic & obvious. But I will learn to better control my ego next time.

 

What's the tomato?

[sand dollar]

She was the victim of her own ideals. No one can be that. I think having those expectations is simply a way of avoiding a real scenario. Or maybe some people are that ideal. But that ideal will never manifest in this world. Not only should we forgive people their imperfections,but looked at in the right light we can also have compassion and like them for it. Maybe we have to realize that we are all human and maybe the people we are getting revenge on never meant us hurt or disappointment. Maybe what they offered was more beautiful than it looked if it could be looked at correctly. All that glitters isn't gold. some people see dust when there were really diamonds underneath.

[Kinkz]

Almost better than my version!

 

Yea, there was more besides the whole "love" situation for sure. She used the flaws & I became very busy in life -- it's cool and smile-inducing to see though how much a handle you have on this very generic situation. That's one of the things I've been telling myself, I don't want to end with someone so generic & obvious. But I will learn to better control my ego next time.

 

What's the tomato?

 

Yeh people are very much predictable no matter how different they try being, I think its human nature. But all the best to you, I hope you find your unique snowflake. lol. Umm its a tomato? Dnt know just put it there, it seemed appropriate at the time.

 

She was the victim of her own ideals. No one can be that. I think having those expectations is simply a way of avoiding a real scenario. Or maybe some people are that ideal. But that ideal will never manifest in this world. Not only should we forgive people their imperfections,but looked at in the right light we can also have compassion and like them for it. Maybe we have to realize that we are all human and maybe the people we are getting revenge on never meant us hurt or disappointment. Maybe what they offered was more beautiful than it looked if it could be looked at correctly. All that glitters isn't gold. some people see dust when there were really diamonds underneath.

 

Different worlds for different people, different ideals manifest themselves into them worlds in their own different ways - but the general pattern stays the same. An ideal isn't an ideal if its real, or it would be called reality and not an ideal. I think eventually as time passes, people do learn to forgive but until that time arrives, negativity festers and darkness breeds. Some people need the extra guidance/push to recognize the light, because they are too consumed by the hate to see anything else.

[matius]

Yeh people are very much predictable no matter how different they try being, I think its human nature. But all the best to you, I hope you find your unique snowflake. lol. Umm its a tomato? Dnt know just put it there, it seemed appropriate at the time.

 

Second time I've heard this "human nature" theory today. Not saying it's wrong but I kind of prefer Bjork's "human behavior" theory a bit more as it's not in my nature personally to do something like that to somebody. Not that I'm a saint ... believe, but I don't generally do such things in a relationship. Who knows, maybe I'm distracted by my work...

 

Now human behavior can be wickedly strange.

[sand dollar]

[An ideal isn't an ideal if its real, or it would be called reality and not an ideal. ...................negativity festers and darkness breeds. Some people need the extra guidance/push to recognize the light, because they are too consumed by the hate to see anything else.

 

What I think you mean is that ideals aren't able to manifest here. But they are quite real. Real in the truest sense . What we see here is the illusion. The transient world is not ultimatley real or it wouldn't be transient. So if we are going to talk about reality,the ideals are actually quite real. They just don't manifest.That was the word I used.

 

But back to my original point,some people get in trouble because they act as if they can manifest and they can never be happy because of it. But that's also about growing up. We all have to learn the limitations of the world.Once we adjust to the way things are we can have an aproximate perfection that can be pretty good actually.

 

As far as the hating goes,who does that ultimately hurt? The hater. Hate breeds hate and people consume themsleves and drive everyone away. It is a choice. I'm not saying that some people are not more burdend by hate than others,but ultimatly it's a choice. It's it's own punishment too. You can't be happy and hate at the same time. If you know it's wrong you have to fight it or ask for help to do so. It's not easy though. We are all works in progress. Satre said,"Hell is other people.". But I would add, "So is heaven.".

 

Thanks for your insights Kinkz.

[sand dollar]

Now human behavior can be wickedly strange

 

I like this:

 

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Jeremiah 17:9