Need serious NC support; Is not hearing from him a bad sign? I want to see him in person..

[marlasinger]

Hi everyone.. I'm new here. I've been combing the internet desperately for 3 weeks for advice, support, answers, hope.. you all know how it goes.

 

This site seems mature to me (unlike something geared more towards teenagers like link removed), and I've found a lot of threads and answers on here that have helped, but I'm at a point where I feel I really need to address my own individual concern and see what everyone here has to say. I would greatly appreciate ANY and ALL advice, suggestions, shared stories, encouragement, or anything anyone is willing to throw me..

 

 

I'll try to keep this as short as possible.., but, my boyfriend ended things between us a little less than a month ago after a year and a half of knowing each other and 9 months of dating..

Things had gotten rocky the past couple of months. I live at home (as did he at the time), and I was finishing up my semester at community college and the last month (april-may) proved to be very difficult for me.

I work part time, and the hours are short (4-730pm most nights), but I had class in the morning, and homework to do after work for the next day.

 

My ex worked as well, but first he was working midnights, and that didnt work for him, so he switched back to working early mornings which meant he had to be in bed by 9 or 10 every night, which didnt suit well with my schedule.

 

Tension arose between us because we had little time to spend with each other, and he voiced his concern about this, but I didnt make a big deal about it because I knew it would be summer in a couple of weeks, AND (the first week of May, my last week of class) he moved out to live with a friend and his girlfriend in a huge house, so things were only looking up.. He had been slightly depressed by having to live at home after a couple failed attempts to live on his own in the past few years (hes 25), so moving for him was something he was really looking forward to, and he often said how he wanted to spend a lot of time with me in his new place because we would FINALLY have somewhere to be together and relax.

 

 

Not long (less than 2 weeks) after he moved out and I was finished with school, he broke up with me. I had been seeing things going downhill a little as well, because he was so wrapped up in moving and getting used to his new home that he didnt seem to want to do anything, BUT, he made it clear he was upset that we still didnt spend enough time together. I would come over after work and spend the night, and that was pretty much it. He said "when was the last time we just spend the entire day hanging out?".

 

Several days before this all happened, he came over to talk to me, because some things had been bothering him.. I prepared myself for the worst. But when he came over, he said to me, in person, that he really wanted us to spend more time together. I was greatly relieved.

 

A few days later, I got upset because his ex girlfriend (with whom he has MANY mutual friends, including the people he lives with) was over there with him and a few other people. It always made me feel uncomfortable, and he knew that, we had gotten into disagreements in the past over it, however, they are both mature people who, because of the mutual friends, are civil towards each other. Yet I got upset, and we got into a disagreement.

 

Long story short, we werent getting along the next day, but I ended up stopping over to see him that night (it was a saturday) because I was in the area with friends.. The tension was terrible. We had had an argument over text earlier that day. I wasnt planning on staying with him, and I especially didnt want to because something was wrong between us and we were both ignoring it. So, I did not stay, because it just didnt feel 'right.' I left that night and cried the entire way home.

 

Basically, we talked that night after I got home, and he asked if 'things just werent working between us..' He said he didnt know what to do anymore, and that he just wasnt sure things could work out for us. I was heartbroken, and told him this.

 

The next day, we didnt speak much, but he asked if he could come over to talk to me that night, and I said no because I was upset and had plans with my mother. The next day, he was very distant as well, and asked if I wanted him to come over again. By this time I was very sure what his intentions were, and I was so hurt and upset that I told him to not even bother coming over to say he wanted to end things to my face. His response was "if thats how you feel, Im not coming over." And we preceded to get into an argument and he told me he just didnt want to be in a relationship anymore. He loves me, and cares, but he just doesnt think things could work out between us. He said he wanted to be friends.

 

Of course this is all the bare minimum of what was said, but needless to say, I was completely devastated. After he got upset he said "I wanted to wait for things to work, and I was going to, but thats it, I'm done. I dont want this. I can offer you my friendship, and that is it." Complete. Devastation.

 

I saw it coming, but I didn't think anything bothering either of us was irreconcilable. I had insecurities, including the ex girlfriend, my physical apperance (I was weary of letting him see me if I hadnt showered, shaved my legs, had my hair done, or silly things along that line), and I always made sure to never seem TOO available to him, because I didnt want to turn him off.

 

I told him that he had broken my heart, and that this wasnt what I wanted; that it would be a very long and lonely summer.

 

However, I did not beg, and I spent the next few days pouring myself into a letter to him. It was not begging or pleading, but very mature, and it simply voiced my side of things (about him not even giving us a chance to settle into things, like me being done with school and him moving out) and I also very maturely said that I felt responsible for the demise of the relationship, and that I would be willing to change those things (because they are easy and all in my power). I told him not to respond because it would only be more hurtful, but that I think we both need some time alone and space, and that maybe in the future we could talk, as friends.

 

A day before I sent the email, after we had not talked in a couple of days, he randomly IMs me on facebook asking how I am. I played it very cool and said I was fine. He asked if I did not want to talk to him, and I told him I should be asking HIM the same question. He appologized and said things had been very busy the past couple of days, and then started to tell me how the couple he lives with (that I knew) were getting into terrible arguments. I cut it short and told him I had to go. I found this strange that he would try to talk to me in the first place.

 

 

Even though I did not want to, I had high expectations that the letter would sway his decision. It did not. I emailed it to him and asked him to read it, but not to reply. He said he would read it. When I heard nothing from him the next day (I had asked him to respond only that he HAD read it), I got upset after having a few drinks and texted him. He did not reply that night, nor the next morning, so that afternoon I said more things to him over text, and went to work, leaving my phone behind to keep my urges under control.

 

He replied that night and said that he DID read the letter, and that he was sorry he hadnt texted me the past couple of days because he was very busy. He said he was going to bed but that if I wanted to talk, to text him the next afternoon. This upset me, so I told him I would not contact him; if he wanted to talk to me he could get a hold of me.

The next evening he asks me if I wanted to talk, and I replied that there really was nothing to talk about, but ended up spilling slightly anyway.

 

He said he was sorry and he didnt want to see me doing this to myself, but that he was doing what he thought was best to make things easier on both of us. He made it clear he did not want a relationship right now, but I badgered him by saying that I KNOW he does, he just doesnt want one with ME. (He had made the comment when we first broke up that he "was tired of dealing with THIS relationship.") I did not beg, I did not plead, and I ended up turning my phone off and giving it to my mother for the night so I could not say anything more.

 

2 days pass, and I text him again, saying that all I had left to say to him was that I have no choice but to respect and accept his decision to end things, and that things are how they are right now. I told him I would not wait around for him, and that things would be different if we were to ever be together again.

His response was that things were NOT different, and that nothing I say to him will change how he feels right now. He said he cares about me, and that he simply just does NOT want to be in a relationship right now.

 

 

 

 

That was over 2 weeks ago, and I have not contacted him since.

I don't feel the letter was a mistake (or at least not a big one), and the text messages were not a good idea, but I had to get those things out. No, he did not respond in a hopeful manner to them, but I dont feel that I begged or pleaded with him in any of them, so I saved myself in that respect..

 

I deactivated my facebook as well, for my own sanity. Several other factors (which Im sure he is aware of) led to that decision too, not just him. It was 2 weeks after the break up that I did so, anyway. I want to be out of dodge of him, any mutual friends, and the majority of my OWN friends right now because I simultaneously realized that many people in my life are not going down the same positive path I am trying to follow, including my best girlfriend (who recently got involved with several friends of my ex sexually and I do not approve of her lifestyle).

 

 

 

I know that he has asked a mutual friend how I am holding up, but that is the extent of it.

 

I realize the answer is quite clearly sitting in front of me.

He is not contacting me, so he does not care. I need to move on. NC is the best I can do right now, first (and foolishly) in the hope that he will come back, but second and most importantly, for me to move on, whether he comes back or not.

 

I have great reason to believe he is not doing so well right now. Yes that sounds foolish, but, he is not happy with his current job, he just moved as mentioned, and only recently found out that the people with whom he lives are going to be gone as soon as July. He has been very distant from all of his close friends, and the ex girlfriend is not around anymore because she just recently moved almost an hour away (whether they are still in close contact is unknown to me).

 

We were very happy at one point, and I mean it when I said I am willing to change the things that brought stress to our relationship. I made that clear to him as well, and tried to hide the desperation by saying (during our last contact) that the things that made him unhappy and our relationship stressful are not involving my morals, beliefs, or personality. Simple things, such as choosing a trip to the mall over him, or having my hair done perfectly, or being showered (GOD FORBID I SMELL LIKE B.O. AFTER BEING AT WORK). He did not care. He had seen me at my worst, and still loved me, and he had told me that these things did not matter, and I know they didnt. I've been seeing a therapist to deal with insecurities and the like for 5 months, and he was/is aware of that.

 

 

I think it's fair to say that he has a lot on his plate right now, and I can understand the stress of a relationship not being desirable at the moment.

But I was good to him, and he had acknowledged it many times.

 

Is it wrong to assume he could possibly be hurting right now as well? Thats wishful thinking, because if he isn't contacting me its plain as day he hasn't changed his mind, yet my hope will not die. He always retreated inward when things were bothering him, to both me and his friends, and it seems that is what he has been doing as of late. Still, wishful thinking..

 

Im trying to give him the space and time to mull things over that he obviously desired. Breaking NC will only make me seem desperate and lose my chances of ever getting him back, so I remind myself of that..

 

But my concern is, a mans pride maybe? Hes mature, and also honest, and respectful. I think he went about it in the most honest way he could instead of string me along, so that is a plus..

 

I was thinking about giving him another week or two to contact me first, at least to check up on me because I've essentially dropped off the face of the planet. I would expect him to, because he isn't insensitive, rude, or a jerk at all, and he DID say he cared about me, but with every day I dont hear from him that statement goes out the window.

 

If I do not hear from him, I was going to contact him anyway, since it will have been a month.. I realize this may set me back greatly, but with (as much clear thought) as possible on my part, it may do me some good? At that point, I think I will be under control emotionally, and I just wanted to share some things with him, but only if I am level headed, mature, and calm. I think seeing him in the flesh will also be nice, because it will get him off this fantasy pedestal I've been holding him on, and he should see me as well, so he knows the person he hurt is flesh and blood.

[catfeeder]

[...] I mean it when I said I am willing to change the things that brought stress to our relationship. [...]

 

Your letter may have said this, but the way you handled his reading it and subsequent contact afterward demonstrated otherwise. You asked him not to respond, but you were right on him about whether he read the letter and followed by being hostile to him when his reaction didn't fall into line. It sounds as though that sealed his decision.

 

With the breakup itself you jumped the gun and didn't allow him to visit and express what he wanted to say. He may have wanted to propose a way to fix things, or possibly a temporary break. You controlled the thing away from him, and you deprived yourself of valuable information that may have been useful in turning things around.

 

You attribute all stress on this relationship to outside factors, but those are only as stressful as two people opt to handle them together. Conflict won, and so you both lost.

 

My heart goes out to you, and I'm awfully sorry. I know grief is the most difficult thing to go through, and I hope you'll feel better soon.

[BigCityGirl]

I can't really tell you what to do here, only you know what is best for you. But I'll give some suggestions.

 

First, if you really feel you need to talk to him, then do it. But you never know what might become of this call. It may be good, and it might go badly. Don't call if your not prepared to hear that he doesn't want to get back together. If you call, and it does go bad, then I think you should focus your energy on moving past all the things that happened, and just be yourself, and enjoy being on your own. Being single isn't so bad if your embrace it and enjoy your time. Right now, your not focusing on your own happiness. It seems like your analyzing every bit and piece, and almost obsessing over it. I think that having contact with him could be good for you, even if he doesn't want to get back together. It can give you some closure. Don't take it personally--because by what you've said, its not really anything about you. The relationship just didn't work out. These things happen. Even if that last argument was because you got abit jealous about the ex-girlfriend, it seems like the break up was bound to happen, and any argument could have sparked it. Don't blame yourself. And don't tell him it was all your fault. Because it wasn't.

[marlasinger]

I appreciate both of your responses, especially for you reading the entire thing!

 

catfeeder, I had asked him to tell me when he had read the letter, but nothing more. He did not respond to me that he had read it, so yes, I jumped the gun.. You are also right that by not seeing him in person I may have ruined the opportunity for the outcome to be different.. this hurts me very badly looking back.. However, he had led me up to believing it was going to happen by being very apathetic when I said how bad I was hurting (after he said he doesnt know if things can work out). This was a few days before he actually made it official.

 

Bigcitygirl, you are absolutely right as well. I have a feeling he is going to stand strong to his decision. In a way, Im hoping that him seeing him in person will have some kind of effect, but thats really foolish and dangerous. I think it WOULD be closure for me, though, but thats kind of naive too.

 

I want to make it clear that I'm not taking all of the blame for things going ill as I had previously said to him. I want to stand up for myself and not appear desperate.

I feel that if things did not go well, I would finally be able to move on, but thats a slippery slope as well..

 

I also want him to know I'm still interested in being with him, but I dont want it to be a beg/tear/plead fest. I want to handle it and see him maturely.

[abitbroken]

When someone doesn't contact you after something like this, it does not mean that they don't care. many people take someone not contacting as some sort of 'answer' - as in if they don't call by 7, that will be their answer. When someone is in this situation, they need to step away from the other person to sort things out and heal. Unfortunately, at first, you did not give him that space.

 

What is done is done - but I just wanted to make a few comments so maybe you can use it to learn going into the future for your next relationship whether it is with him or someone else

 

- spending time together sometimes is an issue. If I were with someone who said we didn't spend enough time and it was legitimate, I would make time. Even if its an hour after he gets off of work and before you go to work sometime in the afternoon. Little things mean a lot - my boyfriend worked 12 hours, 7 days a week for a month. Instead of saying "oh its temporary", i met him 4 days a week before work even if I could only see him for half an hour. It was enough for a hug and a kiss, maybe a coffee or just for some nice chat. we do talk on the phone but little stuff like that - no matter how small - keeps things going.

 

I do think that when you did make the effort to see him - you had your friends in tow and happened to be around versus went out there at first opportunity. If i am having a problem with my boyfriend - i wouldn't appreciate "his posse" coming with him. I wouldn't get to honestly talk about what I wanted to talk about because either there would be witnesses or they were honking the horn for him to come out and i'd be keeping him.

 

On some level, maybe you didn't want to hear what he had to say.

 

Also, if he was miserable at home and moving out - he was in the process of transition - major growth and changes there - sometimes when people spread their wings, it kills relationships and there would be nothing you can do about it or there would be growing pains. But maybe not. It could be that he aws not happy with himself and it affected the relationship - but it takes two to tango.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, I would leave him own for the moment. Give him his time.

 

Work on yourself to heal. When you want to see someone because you want them to "see" that you are not desperate or somehow revise how they feel, you are not ready to see them. You want to see him when you aren't begging him back. You want to go there in a state of mind that whatever happens isn't going to crush you adn that takes time. If it has only been 2 weeks, I wouldn't be so hasty to want to see him to tell him you have moved on. Not seeing you beg is not going to him and saying 'see, I am not begging" - but telling him you love him and getting mushy is manipulative and is basically begging. The time is when you honestly don't care and you run into eachother after things have blown over.

 

As far as not seeing him in person - i never got to see my ex again at all. And we had been married. By seeing you one more time or not seeing you in person, it would not have made a difference. You said that things were going downhil for awhile.

[marlasinger]

abitbroken, thank you.

 

I believe you misunderstood me seeing him that last time.. I was alone, my friends and I split up and I went to his place alone.

 

Also, I like what you said about him possibly being in the process of transformation (Im sorry I dont know how to quote). I DONT think he was happy with himself.. and I dont think he is right now, either, but I loved him and made that clear, and only wanted to support him.

 

I agree that I may not be ready to see him in person, especially because I'm still too emotional. I had planned to make it clear that I have accepted this decision of his, that I am moving on, and that I know what I want and deserve from a relationship. I wanted to somehow relay to him that I still care, yet still be assertive and not needy.

I think this would be possible, because I am beginning to resent him in some ways, and I'm not even sure we could be together again anyway, since we had broken up and things would be awkward, but we are no where near that point yet, obviously..

 

I will take your advice to leave him be, but it is very hard. I feel that with every passing day he is moving on, missing me less, and getting used to life without me. Unfortunately this is out of my control, and that hurts badly too.