A LONG POST, sorry... DAY ONE, wish me luck

[VrySnky]

Let's start with the intro; we were together almost six years, with a couple breakups mixed in. ](*,)

I wish I woulda seen this site after the first time she "lost that loving feeling"; I know after reading here that she was never back into it after the first breakup and she was just afraid to not find anything better, which she never will, but I digress; I was there and she knew I always would be so when she needed affection she knew I would provide it. Then, when she wanted to be free, she would say we were "too much right now" and she would go party and whatever else.

Anyway, we have hung out off and on for the last year (I know, I know) and for the most part it was good. Funny though, that when things got to be too good together, she would pull away and leave me with a heavy heart. Then she would come back, hot and heavy and I would still have resentment from the last time she pulled away. I knew what she was doing and couldn't do anything about it... being my first love I wanted to fight to the death for it, because just the fact that I was able to see a future with her told me that it was something special to me; I had never looked more than a week ahead in my life about anything, so it scared me, but also was awesome. Well, it was a long unhealthy spiral and I hate to say it now but it was a waste of almost a whole year… In fact, June 16th will be one year since she crushed my world for good. I remember it only because that is the day I closed on “our” house and when I got back to our apartment, naturally excited and ready to discuss a handful of LARGE future decisions, she was washing dishes and cryin so I knew “here we go again, and this time for good” I couldn’t even talk to her, as soon as I saw her look at me, I lost it because I knew what was coming.

Of course, I started sending 3-page emails, flowers and all that other crap that probably made things worse, but honestly, after being ignored for a while, only talking about and exchanging the dog, it really got to where we could be around each other and not have any issues. We’d cook dinner for each other, go to movies, walk the dog together, all the friend stuff and there was nothing else to it. Granted, I still had a fire for her, and always will, but I knew it couldn’t work right now and maybe I just wanted to be friends until she “came around” but I wasn’t worried about being played anymore, and she honestly wasn’t doing it anyway, so it was good…almost what everyone wants as far as being friends with the ex.

It’s funny how I know she’s had dates and I know she sees people and it doesn’t bother me, well, it didn’t. I was (and still do) meet, “see” and hang out with others so I wasn’t sitting around obsessing about her having fun. Problem is, as usual, no matter how much fun I had, when it was over I just wanted to have her come over to hang out instead of anyone else, and it was the same for her. Now, out of the blue, she mentions a dude, like several before, that she is getting to know and I have lost my mind. She’s met and dated several guys and even the ones that she did “like” after a few dates, didn’t bother me one bit… of course they didn’t work together so they’re out of the picture, as this one may be too, one day. What get’s me is that I have no idea how I could go from 0 (not caring one bit) to 160 (losing it every time I see her, the dawg, or hear a country song) about one guy when none of the others bothered me…why is this one such a “threat”. I guess it was just inevitable. It’s like I fell in love again and didn’t even realize it…and now I have to “break up” with her and it kills me. I’ve tried to get over it for a month or so, still cooking her omelets every weekend and talking every day, but it just cant work. Unlike the rest of the guys, it kills me to know that when she leaves here or gets off the phone with me, her first call is to him, and why he bothers me so much I have no idea??? I’ve never seen him before and never will but I do know she will soon, AND he lives WAY up north while we are in GA so she fully admits there’s not a good chance of something working that far away… which I think means it should bother me less… WTC.

 

Anyway, sorry to vent, but I will be doing it a lot more I’m sure. I said all that to say this. She shows up at 730 am, hops in the bed and we sleep till noon. WE get up, I cook her omelet, and we hang out ALL day, having the best convos, drinking champagne, and just shootin the sh!t like we haven’t in a long time. For some reason, it really bothered me, because like I said, I knew that no matter how good the day was, She would tell someone ELSE goodnight after she told me, and I hate that more than anything. Basically about 11pm, we finally get done eating dinner and I drop her off back at her place. I didn’t know what was coming, but we both knew something was going down. Normally I pull up, she hops out, maybe after a hug from the next seat, but usually not. Anyway, this time I parked, which immediately made her say “what’s wrong (insert loving nickname here)?” At first I said I just wanted to walk you to the car (not the house because she was going to a girlfriends house) and get a “good hug.” She said “you’re lying to me.” I knew when I said it, it was not the truth. It wasn’t a lie because I did want a good hug, it just happened to be our last. I didn’t know how or why, but I just knew. We hugged and she casually said I guess I’ll see you in the morning for breakfast. When she said that hugged her tighter and I effin lost it, I mean, old faithful tears. I said no, you wont… you wont see me for a while I’m afraid. I can’t watch you get close to somebody (which is weird because she always says they’re not, but whatever, I know her too well). She literally said “you’re acting like I’m marrying the guy tomorrow, whats wrong with you.”

 

WE talked a few minutes about how I felt as if I were in love again and knowing it wouldn’t go both ways, we couldn’t be around each other, ‘specially as she was getting close to another. She wants to be friends and said she “wants to want me since no other could love her like I did” but she cant make herself. I said “I know because I want to NOT want you and I can’t make myself, you just feel how you feel and keep going” If she ever finds herself and actually wants me again, I will always be open to seeing her, but since I am miserable now, I figure it cant get any worse, only better by not talking for awhile. It just really gets me that this wasnt planned and came after one of our best days ever together...

 

I doubt the NC will last months or years like some of the others on here, but I am prepared for it to if necessary. I’ve read MrSoandSo’s famous post about once an hour and still cant make it through with out a few tears, but I know one day there wont be any and that will be the first positive sign.

 

The first thing I did was send her a FB message when I got home, and then deleted her as a friend immediately after. That has been the last communication, which aint saying much since it’s only been 17 hours.

 

The FB message is below, I think for the last one being sent for a while, it’s not bad, but maybe I should have kept it to myself anyway, I don’t know… Anyway, like I said DAY ONE, wish me luck and look forward to seeing a lot more venting from me, at least for a bit… better to put it on here than blow her phone up.

 

I need a small favor from you, please go to Account in the top right corner, then privacy, and PLEASE make it so only friends can see you're profile. I KNOW I will be tempted to look at it if I know I can, so please make it so I cannot. Just because I unfriend you on here, does not mean I won’t always be your friend in real life, I just don’t need to see cute or flirty status updates for a little bit.

I look forward to the day that you figure things out and hopefully let me back into your heart, or even the day I finally get over you and we can be platonic friends with no crazy feelings on either side. I know it's not a way you'd like to look at it, but if I cannot be loved by you, it would be a happy day if I looked at you the way I look at Lindsay, friends and nothing more...

I know you think he has a lot to do with it but this is more about me and you than anyone else. I don’t act like you’re getting married tomorrow and I don’t think anything is final, but you’ve already made plans to take a trip months from now, so you are looking to the future somewhat now. I know those plans could be cancelled and you could be here in my house instead, but neither one of us sees that happening, although it would be pretty cool.

I know this will be a long and strong few weeks before I feel alright again but do not worry about me. I know, and want to take care of myself... if only for the chance of being the guy you've always wanted on the physical side, since I'm already that person inside.

If something changes in you, do not hesitate to call me and we can see what happens but for now I can not have part of you in my life, I need all of you, but none of you will have to do for a little while.

I feel like I would do anything to be with you again, and I guess if that’s doing nothing at all, then so be it, that will be far more productive than hassling you and making it harder for you to have your fun.

Keep the roses for a while please, and of course the card, as I cannot say anything any better than I wrote on there, you’ll just have to deal with reading that on occasion instead of listening to me tell you I LOVE YOU day after day.

This is not forever, but it may take longer than either of us can imagine, just know I will always be in your future, and hopefully you in mine, whether IN love or just with love.

Wish me luck as I wish it to you, I hope to soon be able to friend request you again =)

Love, YOUR ♥ insert loving nickname here ♥

When you find you, come back to me

[stay_positive]

I hate to say it, but you really need to try the NC thing. She obviously means a lot to you and even though you want her as much as possible, she is using you and that only hurts you in the long run. She just wants you when she is having a hard time. Try moving on. If things are meant to be, then you will end up together. Stop putting your life on hold. Get out and have some fun. I hope things work out for you but stop torturing yourself.

[Cuppedia]

It must have been a very hard decision, but if you are realizing that something is not right then it would be a big mistake to pretend it isn't happening.

 

If you're doing NC to try to finally make her want to commit fully then the whole thing is going to be very painful to you, and if you're sincerely wishing to let go then it's going to be ten times harder, but deep down you will know you're doing what you should and once it's over you're going to feel happy and free to enjoy life again.

 

Letting go of all the unfulfilled dreams and hopes is nothing compared to holding on to something that is no longer there, the truth is you gave the best of yourself and it's okay if certain things don't happen because many others did and they will forever remain in your heart.

 

Whenever you feel the urge to contact her again just post here, this place always has somebody willing to listen.

[VrySnky]

After getting on here earlier and posting a letter that I wasn't sure I was going to send or not, I finally did. NC was already broken as stated in a previous post, as she texted late last night and then called "about the dog"...

Anyway, I sent this as a way to hopefully get her to see what's going on... dont know if she will or not, but she wont get any more answers out of me, dog or no dog. Even though it hasnt lasted a day, I am a big fan of NC. I must say that it hurt all day not texting, even small things about the heat made it hard not to text but I didn't...AND the funny thing is, as bad as I hurt all day, when I saw my phone light up from her text, the pain went away and I was pissed, which surprised me AND made me feel better about it.

 

I know it's not true for everyone, but to me, the IDEA of NC is worse than the act itself. Of course, I'm on day one AGAIN, so what do I really know???

 

Personally, the THOUGHT of never talking to someone again is worse than actually not picking up the phone and doing it... some may have a hard time with it, but it's easier to call someone else than to THINK about NOT calling HER.

 

Anyway, here's the e-mail again, let me know if it sends the message, I tried to be "polite but distant"... ok. maybe not so distant, but definitely more polite than I wanted. I will NOT answer again, no texts, emails, or calls...

 

 

There are a million things I want to say and have wanted to say. I know you don’t want to hear them from me, but perhaps if Mrs. Berta or Mrs. Faye said them it would have meaning to you, or at least you would listen. I know you don’t want to hear anything about us from me; in fact you don’t want to hear it at all, but especially not from me… Right now you just want to jump over the fence and roll around in that greener grass, which, though painful to me, is understandable and I will keep most of my feelings to myself. The problem with that is that you keep looking for the infatuation and new love feeling, which we all can agree, is wonderful. What you refuse to believe and don’t want to hear is that, in time, that will always wear off and no matter what; there is work that will have to be done.

 

Obviously, I’m not worth the work, and I finally see how little I mean and meant, just based on the fact that you made a conscious decision to get rid of me, more than once.

 

Not that it’s easy for you, if you say it isn’t, I respect you enough to believe you, even if it looks easy from the outside; I guess that’s always how it is. The thing is, this was your decision, and even though it took me a LONG time, I finally decided to honor your decision to not have me in your life…talk about something HARD to do.

 

You don’t want me, you just need me, and NOT in the way I should be needed. I know I’ll make it harder for you to do your own thing so now I must get out of your way until we can be friends or something more, but we can’t now, since you decided I’m not The One

 

Obviously I am totally undermining my own request to not be in contact by sending this but I want you to know that, no matter what I’ve said about other people and what you're doing… the fact is that I now KNOW why we cant work at this point. All of the sweet cards and gestures, while relieving and heartfelt, actually do more to push your love away, and make me look weak, less attractive, and less compatible for the future.

 

Perhaps, one day, with the combination of me being able to stand on my own two feet without you, and you seeing the world and the people in it, you can see what is real and that I am it. If not, perhaps I’ll have gotten well beyond you and we’ll both be happy… but none of that can happen until you see that your decision was the wrong one, IF that is the case. Only time will tell that. No one will/can love you like me, but if you don’t want it, I can’t make you and I know that, so now I have to do something about it… for both of us.

[VrySnky]

Alrighty then, she's sent a few texts, emails, and of course I responded. She even came over after work, just to "catch up" from THE WEEKEND??? Finally after leaving the house today she sent an email about worrying about me, telling me she knows how I feel, I've never done this so it will take me two years to get over her (LOL) etc... To that email i replied (below) and then she sent one back (below as well). I think I made it clear this time that she has nothing to worry about and that I will be ok... IF she leaves me alone for a while... anyway, check 'em out and let me know if you think she's got it now, if I did something wrong, or anything else you might think... Just know this is the last contact, so dont say "dont contact her" that is a moot point after today; thank you in advance for any help or kind words...

 

 

Ok HER, I need to make sure we are on the same page here, especially since that is one of the main reasons we are not together now and why we fell apart so long ago.

 

Don’t worry about me. Yes, I am lonely but so are you (at least you say so) but that is fine. Right now I live like this: ninety percent of the time I am a happy person that looks forward to my next walk or gym time. I also look forward to cooking, sitting on the deck to read and sunbathe, and going to work. I enjoy going out and meeting people (even if I AM shy, until the gorilla farts kick in at least) and I like chatting up women, even though meeting them sober for drinks or a quick bite is very hard (but gets easier). Being single has its moments, as you too can attest, but being single is also one of the hardest things a person can be. Dogs help, and “having fun” helps, but when you’re alone at home and just want meaningful company, fun and dogs don’t cut it.

 

The other TEN percent of the time I am miserable, a wreck, and SUPER-LONELY. Like not even, man I wish someone (usually you) was here lonely, but the FCUK MY LIFE, I’LL NEVER LOVE OR BE LOVED AGAIN, WHO COULD LOVE ME LIKE YOU DID, WHO COULD I LOVE LIKE I DID YOU, LET’S CRY ALL DAY AND NIGHT, I NEED A VICODIN/AMBIEN/151/CLOROX COCKTAIL kinda lonely. This ten percent must and will go away, as long as I see I CAN make it on my own, and see a world in which I can love/be loved again.

 

So, I think you worry too much, or think I am too lonely or super-lonely too much or whatever, but that is only a small part of my makeup… and it gets smaller every day. My loneliness wont drive me insane, and as far as I’m concerned it will not drive you away either. I just hope your sadness made you say some things that you didn’t believe, because there were some bad things said today, and I doubt seriously that you believe there is a world in which we can’t see each other and be friends at least, unless that is what you want.

 

I honestly pray that you don’t think it will take “about two years.” My mind is too good for that; and that is what it will take… listening to my head about you not wanting me instead of listening to my heart about how much it wants you. There is only a VERY tiny chance that I will never see you again, and that is only if you move to NJ, or you get a restraining order on me... lol

 

Our recent weeks have been great and our laughter has gone up a lot. These are the things that make you even more beautiful (and sexy) and they are what I miss; they are the things that make me fall for you all over again, and to know that you’re not falling too is what kills. Naturally, I think if we kept doing it, AND started dating (like real dates) and quit messing with others we would go somewhere we’ve never been… but like I said, that’s what my retarded self thinks… YOU don’t want it, and fight it, so there’s no way it can happen, which is what I HAVE to keep telling myself; once that sinks in, as it has in the past with other girls, I will be fine. Yes, you were my first serious relationship, but as I told you a long time ago, I had fallen for someone that didn’t feel the same. That’s what is going on now and that is what I will overcome… and it didn’t take two years; just a few tummy aches, sleepless nights, a little time away from her and a little time on my own. Now when I see her, I say, damn she’s still amazing, and I would love to ask her out, but until she says/shows her feelings are different, I could sit here and shoot the sh!t with her all day AND watch her leave and still not feel a bit of heartache. That is where I will get with you, just not if you’re here all the time and I’m looking at your beautiful face and hot bod. In fact I recently started talking to her again and it helps me think about how I DID get over her and how I CAN be friends with someone I once loved…. Of course, she and I didn’t share a child (I think…lol) but mine and yours is motivation to get well faster, as I cannot go without his retarded antics for long… But whatever about her, this is about you, well REALLY about me, and just to know I’ve done it before makes me sure I can now.

 

I mean, I have a one year head start right now, and there were many stretches where I didn’t want to be with you, and now I just have to reach that point again and hold on to it forever… or until you miss me… well, miss MY LOVE, because supposedly you “miss” me now. If you ever do I would love to see IF we CAN be together and to start dating, which we DO need, and building our friendship and relationship again. You’ve said we wouldn’t date, we’re too far for that, but that’s where we messed up trying to get back together… we just tried to get back into the old relationship, but we need a NEW one. We would have to look at it as a new relationship, ESPECIALLY since we ARE two different people. Yes, it helps that we have history and know a lot about each other, but we still need to learn and appreciate the new “us-es.” Of course, that’s only if you can realize that you need the “in love” life and not the “joy of falling in love” life and only if your little flickering flame wants to be a roaring fire again, stoked by my love and not someone else’s. If it never does want my love, we will still be friends, as we have come too far, and have BEEN friends for a while already, before we dated and after, to never be friends again.

I just want to say so much to you… but mainly remember this, don’t worry about me, and don’t give up on me either. I can only grow during this time, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

 

 

Just got this from her, I think she UNDERSTANDS now...

 

WOW, ME. That was a lot! I really will miss you regardless of what you think. I will always miss you and love you until the day I die. We have way too much together for me not too. With that being said and because I do care about you, I think this is the best thing for you (us) as well. I hate to see you sad and upset and me not being able to do anything about it. I want the absolute best for you in all aspects of life and i want you to be GENIUNELY happy. I honestly hope it doesn't take you two years because me and LP will miss you so much. You're right, the last couple of weeks have been nice together and it shows that maybe one day we could be friends again (if we don't become lovers first...lol). I want you to keep in touch and let me know about the big things that go on in your life while we are on this "hiatus" and I will do the same. I don't really have any plans right now as far as my life goes....I just want to be happy and live life. I don't want to have any expectations as far as my love life goes, because I did that with us (you know, me wanting a ring and all), and look where that got me....I'm taking it one day at a time and I'm not rushing into anything any time soon. I wish you only the best as far as your healing process goes and I know that you will soon see in yourself the amazing man that I have always known you to be. Once you believe in yourself, everything else will fall into place. Until then, take care and don't be stupid and drink too much.

My love always,

[Skeptic76]

Holy moly - my breakup feels a little less complicated after reading this. Thanks!

 

In all seriousness, sounds like you'll be doing a pretty healthy thing to let some time pass with space between you two.

[VrySnky]

Holy moly - my breakup feels a little less complicated after reading this. Thanks!

 

HAHA! I'm here to help as well as get help!!! Reading my story would make MOST folks feel better...

[Cuppedia]

I know it's hard to understand but the last person you should be talking about your feelings is her. In our head (or heart) it makes sense because they know us and they used to always be there but something obviously changed when they became "the ex", and the sooner we can adapt to the new situation the better.

 

If you want to let her know that you are fine just don't reply, there's no need to justify it or explain anything to her, it was HER decision to leave and things can't continue to be as she wants them to. It's not a punishment or anything, it's just that if she's not with you and is dating other guys it's not okay that she keeps asking you for things (conversations, attention, dinner, or whatever) when she knows you still love her.

It might not be on purpose, but it seems she doesn't want anything to change and is taking advantage of your feelings.

 

Don't settle for a friendship when you want a relationship, that's not fair to you.

 

Letting go is going to be extremely hard but the sadness won't be permanent, cry and feel sad all you want; it's all part of moving on.

[VrySnky]

 

You are absolutely correct... She is the only one I've ever talked to about anything... I have always been closed off from my family, and never really could talk to friends about "feelings"; they always said I could, but it's just not in me.

 

THAT is what makes this so hard, she is the only person that has ever been able to bring any emotions out of me and actually get me to talk about things... I guess I feel she still is so I keep talking to her...

 

GOD I have to stop... youre right, just replying pretty much makes everything a joke... and not a funny one; a sad one!](*,)

 

I guess that's what places like this are for! Why couldn't I find you SOB's 14 months ago?!?!? LOL

 

It amazes me to find so many people, all over the world, that have done this and are doing this... typical me, always thinking I'm the only one that sh!t happens to. Thank God for this place, it is more valuable than anyone can ever imagine... THANK YOU ALL!

 

I am going to have to start coming the the "post here instead of contacting your ex" page... A LOT