Depression, self loathing, and everything else.

[Skay]

It doesn’t hurt any less. Just because I am depressed often, doesn’t mean I hurt any less than someone who only goes through it a couple times a year. Why does it give you the right to treat me like that? I was deluding myself, thinking that you loved me. I want to laugh at myself. I’m disgusted with myself. Of course you wouldn’t. I don’t see how anyone could. Why would you love me? All I ever do is complain. All I ever do is bring people down around me. I am self-hating and have no confidence. I revel in my past, and I can’t seem to stop. I am what any normal person would call me, crazy. I put on a happy face to people in public. But the people who are close to me suffer because I need to talk to someone. Anyone who will just listen. I live for pat on the head. Someone who will genuinely tell me that everything is going to be okay and they know what I’m going through. I don’t want pity. I don’t want it. I want someone to understand. I am not surprised my boyfriends leave me. I am a self-centered attention freak who needs constant appraisal. People who think they know me.. No one knows me. I hide from everyone. I am always afraid to fall in love. I never want it because I know what comes with it, but I crave it. No one can love me after knowing everything about me. Some of you reading this, I already know you’re rolling your eyes, but I don’t write this for those of you who are. I write it in hopes that someone will relate to me. That someone will be able to tell me what to do. I need help, but I don’t know what to do.

 

This is the hardest thing I have ever done.. to say this.. But it is always on my mind. It interferes with everything. I was sexually abused multiple times from the ages of 6-8 years old. I was raped when I was 10. And the worst part about it? I didn’t fight back. I just lied there and let him take what was mine to give. My innocence was stolen from me, and I can never get it back. I did not have a childhood. My own mother doesn’t even know about this. I am ashamed and embarrassed.. Fourteen years I have not said anything to anyone. I really just want to delete all of this, but it needs to be said. I need someone to listen.

 

I have suffered from depression since I was 11 years old. All the times growing up, my mother dragging me to clinics and begging me to take anti depressants. I always refused. I have tried to kill myself three times since I was fifteen. I love my daughter. I will always love her, but I never wanted children. And now I am forced to raise one by myself, hardly being able to provide to her, while her father is able to do anything he wishes. And if you happen to be reading this, too.. It is the absolute truth. I will always resent you for what you did to me.

 

My mental issues affect my relationships. I cry a lot. I wish I had support. Not just my friends. But someone who loved me. Who was in love with me, ready to hold my hand to help me get better. Someone who wanted to see me be happy. I am a mess of a person, but is that so much to ask? Isn’t there anyone in the entire world who can just accept me the way I am and doesn’t end up hating me or cutting me out of their lives or just thinking I’m some crazy F'd up b'tch?

 

I wish I was still in denial. Knowing that I actually have problems but can’t seem to change anything about it is torture. I really do try to be happy. And to people who see me on a daily basis, I ‘am’ happy. I torture myself with these thoughts. These horrible horrible thoughts. They destroy any self worth I’ve gained.

 

You’re too fat.You’re too needy and clingy. Why can’t you just be like them and be happy for once? Why do you have to constantly destroy any relationship you build with everyone? It’s your fault. You will never be good enough. Someone will always be better than you. You will never finish anything. Why would you think anyone could possibly love you? You put him there. Why didn’t you do it right the first time? Why did you have to ruin everything? Stop being such a loser. I hate you. You’re ugly. You disgust me. How can anyone stand to be in the room with such a self-loathing person? You will never get married.

 

It goes on. And on. And on. I will always seek love. I will always be afraid of it. I will always dread it, and hate it.

 

And then I’ll come back here. Again and again with my self hating thoughts that are no surprise to anyone. You’ve all heard it a thousand times. Yet you’re still reading this.. Are you one of those people who pity me? Or are you like how I used to be? Disgusted at such a pessimistic attitude. I don’t blame you for that. But if you come back again, it will be the same thing. I will cry and ask why. I will wallow in my past and I will hate myself all over again. But what will you do? You will read it, and think your thoughts. And then you will live your life, while I am surviving, but not living. And I can’t change it.