relationship with a woman, sex with guys

[kamurj]

I'm bisexual and am in a very serious relationship with a woman, but have urges/cravings to have sex with guys and I've given in several times I love my girlfriend to death and she knows of one time that I've cheated on her, but I can't seem to stop. I don't want to give up our beautiful relationship, but I'm not sure if the straight girl inside of me will allow myself to remain faithful. I soooo want my cake and eat it too...

[Mercutio]

Hi.

 

I'm a straight guy trying to deal with a bi or possibly gay girlfriend. I guess from my standpoint, I can very easily see your lover's side of things, so this is what I'm going to tell you: Be honest about what you want. Boys and girls. A relationship that's open enough to allow the occasional diversion or a commitment that gets you a warm bed and someone to come home to at night. Or both.

If your steady can't handle that, you'll either need to reign in your desires or find a steady who can. Let me tell you, it's tough to hear, sitting on the other side, but some lovers really will understand.

 

The other thing I'll say is, be safe. I'm not going to lecture about it, but if you aren't telling her what you're doing with the men in your life, at least keep a layer of latex between him and any body part you want to keep the rest of your life. There's nothing worse than finding out the person you love (whoops) accidently gave you genital warts or something (actually happened to a friend of mine) because of an urge they couldn't control.

[kamurj]

Thanks so much for your response! I know I need to be honest with her, but... I already know she wouldn't agree to such an "arrangement". She wants us to be completely monogamous and emotionally we are, just not physically. About being safe... I wish I could say I HAVE been completely safe, but it's been with the same guy each time and I know he's safe. Unlike me, he has no others. (and yes, I know for sure)

 

I've just started seeing a therapist as well as relationship counseling... so hopefully I'll be able to "clear the air" shortly. Thanks again.

[kamurj]

I've been thinking a lot about this and I think I've realized that it's NOT just sex. It has been with just one guy, but I do think about him more than just in sexual ways. So maybe this REALLY is an affair and I was trying to make it seem less harmful by thinking of it as just sex. Ahhh.... I seriously AM in deep. I don't want to break up with her because I love her and I love our life together. However, I don't think I could remain with her if I wasn't receiving affection/attention from him either. And to think I've been against polygamists for so long.

[Mercutio]

The term you're looking for is "polyamory" - essentially having more than one intimate relationship at a time. It's something I really wish my "ex" would consider as well (she doesn't think it's fair to me for us to be in a relationship if she's wanting to have sex with women).

 

Just the joy of being "bi", I suppose.

 

I'd suggest taking a couple weeks away from both of them while you sort things out. Let both of them know what's going on, too. It's not so much that "honesty is the best policy" as getting everything in the open will at least get the hurting done in one go.

 

When my ex told me she was for-sure bi, it had been a long time coming. She started telling me about dreams first, then later that she "needed space", and later on that the reason she needed space was that she had an orgasmic experience from a kiss by another girl. I would far rather have heard about the kiss when she started talking about the dreams ('cause that's when it happened, but she didn't do it that way... so I thought I was persevering for hope, but in reality I was just persevering for more pain.

 

Anyway: Honesty, honesty, honesty. Get a little space, and decide what you really want. You probably won't get both of them, but I'll bet you can salvage a relationship with one or the other at least.

[kamurj]

Oops. I thought polygamists were people who had more than one relationship at a time. I've been talking to several of my lesbian friends about this very issue and they believe it's all about hormones. (ex women together doesn't produce the right combination of hormones) They too have been in relationships with females for several years/months and have been thinking about being with a man. Until I talked to them about it, I was starting to believe it WAS bisexuality. I have a question for you now... do you think it would be different if you your girlfriend desired to be with another male? That's not the best example, but I think my girlfriend feels a bit more threatened being that I have desires to be with a male - which is much more accepted etc. than our relationship.

[Mercutio]

Do you read Dan Savage's advice column, "Savage Love"?. Anyway, Dan Savage (a gay guy who mostly writes a sex advice column mostly for straight people) has made the observation that many of the lesbians he's known in his life still have the occasional experience with guys, and in some cases even re-orient.

 

I think that's at least a part a load of crap. So is the hormone thing. But then I hear about things like Lesbian Bed Death . which is a concept that's at least familiar enough to get 100's of good hits on google, and I start to wonder whether the whole thing is really sexual (it is for my ex, at least right now), or if there's some deeply-rooted desire for a more loving companionship than a man could provide (I'm told by my "ex" that I couldn't've been more loving or understanding, though). Or something.

 

Anyway, you've chosen to be with girls for a reason. So I think you should point that out to your SO. You've probably dealt with all the crap that goes along with coming out. I've see a bi-guy trying to explain a relationship with a woman to gay friends... it's a weird thing and they didn't understand. Going back into the straight world will be costly, at least in terms of the friends you've made who share your lifestyle, probably even including your girlfriend.

 

Would it be different if it were a guy, for me? Um... maybe. I think if the object of her desires was a man I'd have a chance of getting her back someday. As things stand, my ex is telling me she loves me a lot but what she really wants to do sexually are all the things I did to her (ie, I don't have the right parts).

 

As far as acceptance, that's something my ex and I argue about. She's in a period that's very similar to what I went through at 14 - 15... she's blatantly staring at every cute girl that walks by (and she thinks they can't tell), can't hold a thought while a victoria's secret commercial is on, that sort of thing. She's staring. Guess what? The ladies don't seem to mind. My SO is a good looking girl, and I see a lot of girls showing off for her - seriously. Sign of the times, maybe.

Me, on the other hand: fat white guy, thick glasses, totally introverted, pasty as can be... when I look I get sneered at. Judged.

So which of us is more accepted?

 

Far as things go, I can seriously see where your girlfriend is coming from. I can see your side, too, but it doesn't change the advice I have for you.

You need to do the right thing as a person first, *then* worry about where your heart leads you.

[Mercutio]

Of course, reading that again, it like of looks like I think being a gay woman is a phase or something. That's insensitive and not what I intended.

[kamurj]

First of all, I didn't think your response was the slightest insensitive. I've come to respect (and look forward to)your responses.

 

As for your situation: I commend you for being so incredibly supportive. I must say I don't know ANY heterosexual partners who have stuck by their "confused", or "experimental" s/o through such times. You really need to give yourself some due credit and start thinking more about your own needs.

 

Before my whole "coming out" process, I too wasn't overly fond of penetration. I didn't even think I was that "sexual" until I experimented with girls. However, after 3 years of being in lesbian relationships, I've realized the importance of penetration. It's a completely differenty type of orgasm for me, and I now consider it much stronger than any other type. Do you know if your ex has a past of any sexual abuse? If not, then it just might have something to do with her desire to be with women.

 

There's really not much advice that can be given other than make sure you're taking care of you. You seem to be concentrating solely on your ex's wants/needs and not enough on you. Hopefully your ex will be able to do her "experimentation" and decide that isn't truly what she wants and you'll be able to continue on with a happy/healthy relationship.

 

I think a large part of my desire to be with other women was the simple excitement of something new AND I had been in several abusive relationships with men, so I thought being with women was THE answer... it just made sense. Okay, I feel as if I'm rambling on about nothing now so I'll stop here.

 

Best of luck to you and feel free to ask me anything else you might be curious about!

[Mercutio]

My SO was sexually assaulted at a party when she was 13. She'd been drinking and apparently some sicko decided it would be fun to rape her. The only thing more I know is that her attacker was adult and male. I don't know the specifics of what happened to her, but that it took her a couple years of being sexually involved with me before performing oral sex on her (my favorite!) became even possible. We never had pentetrative intercourse. Technically, I am still a virgin, since she's the only girl I've been with and she never wanted to do it (you don't miss what you never had). She has also told me that ALL insertion is painful.

 

She's never had any counseling about the assault, nor a pelvic examination (she's a med student, though). I've tried to get her to do those things, but she insists that she just CAN'T.

 

At the moment, the status of our relationship is "friends". I live with her. I went out and bought a mattress and sleep in a different room, and I'm trying to help her find whatever it is she needs to be happy. We're trying to find her someone willing to, um, help her experiment, but she thinks there's a backlash to her based on her age (26 - too old for the college girls and a bit too young for the life-long crowd) and the fact that she's not all-out with her lifestyle yet (still in the closet, lifelong boyfriend... her only gay "cred" seems to be a collection of Melissa Etheridge/Melissa Ferrick albums). She DOES get hit on a lot by women, but unfortunately not the women she wants. Anyway, she's been disappointed so far. I have no idea, other than internet personals and local organizations (the Pride community center, PFLAG, the local bar), how to help her with that.

 

I know the two main stresses for her are coming out and finding some way to "experiment". She's told me at different times that she won't do a one-night stand and that she's not interested in a relationship. I really don't understand what she wants in that case. Wouldn't multiple encounters with someone count as a "relationship", at least on some level? She's been extremely disappointed so far in reaching out to other women.

 

Anyway, mostly I'm hanging around and trying to get her to keep trying things and making herself available. My "gay" SO isn't very gay if her closest experience is watching dirty movies or "Will and Grace". That and keeping her spirits up when people say stupid things to her (amazing how often straight people use the word "gay" to describe something they don't like).

 

As far as needs go... I guess I'm kind of strange. My life is my job and my SO. When I look up from my computer, the only thing that's important or even interesting is her. Before her, the whole world was the computer (well, and music, but that's something I'd have with or without her, too). My plan is to see her through to some kind of resolution in her new life, then to return to what I had before, basically an insane work life. I'm not someone who really has friends or any interest in socializing (I have pretty bad social anxiety, truth be told), so I figure when I've finished helping my "ex" move on, I'll go back to that and let everything fall back to the way it was.

[kamurj]

Big hugs to you! I'm 27 and I know how difficult it can be to find a lesbian that's not either scared to death of "newcomers", or that are too young. I found my girl on the internet and she moved here from another country because she obviously wasn't having much luck either. If you and your SO (or whatever her label is ) lived close, I'd be happy to take her out and introduce her to people.

 

But... like I said earlier, I still think you need to work on you. You need a life hon! Helping someone better their life is very rewarding, but what if she DOES find a woman that fulfills all of her nees? What're ya gonna do then? I honestly think she needs some counseling to at least make her deal with the rape... I doubt she'll ever have a healthy sexual relationship with males or females if not.

 

You like computers? So have you started looking at personals? You have to have some other interests.... get out and do something. Go hiking, joing a running club... something... anything. You need to do something that's you can call "yours". That's so incredibly important.

[Mercutio]

I live close enough to Chicago to say I'm close, but going into the city is a PITA (she's intimidated by the crowds anyway).

 

Anyway, the "life" I had just sort of happened. On accident. My "ex" (or SO, or whatever) actually wound up pursuing me for damn near six years before I was sufficiently convinced of her sincerity and interest to start dating (...and this was the girl I had a crush on all through school). We've been together for seven years since then. I'm just not a person who pursues non-professional human relationships, otherwise. That's a huge flaw in my character, I'm sure.

 

If she does find someone then I say "mission accomplished". If she doesn't, I'll be there to stand her back up and dust her off, so she can get back on the rollercoaster. Call it commitment or devotion or idiocy, that's what I'm here for. Eventually, either way, I end up back at work.

 

I guess in my mind the thing I feel like I should do is to stay until she can honestly say she doesn't need me any more. Moving on before that would be, at least to me, abandonment. Maybe that's wrong too.

 

Anyway, I have zero interest in meeting anyone else. My interests, such as they are, aren't exactly ways to meet other young people anyway.

[Mercutio]

Thanks for the advice, by the way. I suppose it's just good to let some of this stuff out, even if I'm just dumping it on someone else.

 

Is this the longest thread in these forums or is it just me?

[kamurj]

Yup, it's almost like confession. And yeah, this HAS been the longest thread... but it was very helpful. Thanks so much.

[ChristinaCox]

I've read your entire thread and it appears you're confused on a few points I'd like to clear up with you. For a start LESBIANS DO NOT sleep with men, lesbians sleep with woman. These 'lesbian friends' you sepak of are thereforeeeeeee not lesbians but are bisexual women who happen to be with other women more often than men.

 

It's unfair to your gf if you're sleeping with men, I assume she is actually a lesbian as opposed to a woman who just happens to be comfortable in a female to female relationship whilst she fantasizes about men and partakes in hetero sex? It's selfish and I assume by now you've sorted it out, or I hope for her sake you have.

 

The main point here is Lesbians DO NOT sleep with men, they don't fantasize about it, it's not a turn on, lesbians fantasize about other women. Although popular culture at large would have you believe lesbians actually do fantasize about men, this is NOT the case and it's ridiculous to even suggest it. A lesbian is a woman who loves/desire and f_cks other women.

 

Also to continually equate lesbianism with some form of abuse/assault is misleading and can lead to all manner of crossed wired and assumptions that are not true and once again feed into the male driven misinformation within culture plaguing lesbianism today.

[Mercutio]

ChristinaCox, I'm sure you know as well as anyone that there is variance among sexual identity. Some lesbians can sleep with men from time to time and some guys can sleep with guys from time to time and still think of themselves as straight. Those who really don't have a preference, or only have a weak preference, go for the "bi" label.

"guest" has identified herself as a lesbian. Obviously she's decided that being with a woman is a more satisfactory experience. Still, something in her new (boy)friend has led her away, at least for a time. The brain is a complex organ. Sometimes, no matter how things are wired, you get a result you aren't expecting. guest has realized this.

 

Identity isn't black and white.

 

As for equation of abuse with homosexuality, I assume you're speaking to me. My ex told me, the first time she was with a girl, that what she felt was incredible safety (and yes, lust). Given the specifics of her situation, I don't think that it's possible to discount the impact of past abuse. "Safety" isn't normally a word that pops in to most people's heads when they're about to have sex.

[dizzikittie]

I'm going through the same thing right now. Well, I haven't gone through with the cheating but I've given it a lot of thought. Enough to know that I may have to break up with my girlfriend of a year and a half. I do love her, but I really miss sex with men. I am truly bisexual and that's just damn confusing to me. I don't think I'll be happy being without her but dammit, I miss men. One in particular that I really fancy. He knows too. I just don't want to break up with her and then him not be interested. Geez, I just realized how extremely selfish I am!!!!! What to do....................

[lucky06]

Please don't hurt your girlfriend. If you love her set her free. I'm in a similiar situation. I think my husband is living in the down low and it has hurt me so much for the last 2 years. Be honest with your self and if its' men you like move on.

[Tigris]

If it's penetration you're missing with your girlfriend buy a strap on and stop seeing the guy!