Ugh...such a shallow jerk...

[ebbs81]

hello all,

 

i am "new"--well, new to posting, not to reading. my b/f & i broke up a month & a half ago after having been together 2.5 years & i've been coming here to make myself feel better. thank god for this site, truly.

 

anyway, he broke it off * out of the blue* after much digging from me (i could tell something was up). his initial reason for breaking up was that he was "in such a deep depression and didn't want to drag me down" so he had to let me go. so, all along i was thinking "wow, that is such a selfless act--he really must have loved me if he felt that me staying w/him would have hurt me"...if that makes any sense?! then, today, he calls me @ work & after some bsing, i finally cut to the chase and try to get down to the nitty-gritty. well, i came to find that the reason he left was because he "wanted more sex & felt that the relationship was becoming a routine." sorry, i didn't know that i was supposed to be a clown & constantly entertain you. nevermind the fact that 95% of the time, i was the one who came up w/ideas for things that we could do. and as far as the sex went, he never bothered to question why i wasn't too interested (it's not like it never happened, i guess it just wasn't as much as he wanted????). it wasn't the physical attraction that was missing, but the emotional connection was severly lacking--and he never seemed to get that... for him, i guess all he needed was my pretty face & *bam* he was horny. do guys not get that emotional connection thing, or ladies, am i just being dumb???? anyway, i could go on forever, but today i finally have gotten the wake up call to see that his reasons for leaving were so shallow & selfish... what a waste. the worst part is that he didn't even come to me w/any of this; he just gave up w/out trying to talk about it--communication was never his forte. i'm just so frustrated, hurt, but finally starting to get angry (now that i have something to be angry about).

 

we haven't talked much since the breakup--only a few times. i'm back to 'no contact' and left it at him being able to contact me if he has something he "needs to tell me," but i told him not to call me to see how i'm doing or to shoot the sh!te.

 

i just sometimes feel like such a fool. love truly is blindness. i never saw this coming--he wasn't acting any differently, or spending less time w/me. everything was the same. then one day i have a hunch, & man, was i right! i guess any advice would be welcome, i just needed to vent. i'm so sick of thinking about it. i don't really have any questions at the moment, i suppose i just wanted to hear what others had to say & see if you could make me feel better & feel like, in the end, it really is NOT a big loss. thanks in advance, everyone.

[auburnslp]

well, I can tell you this, you are not alone in what you are dealing with. Not that it helps to hear that, but it is true. There seems to be a common thread between most all of us on this forum-the fact that we are capable of that emotional connection, desiring to give it, and not getting it in return, for various reasons. Maybe we did at first, or thought we did, but at the end, it was no longer there.

Here are some truths for you. Number one, first and foremost...NOT EVERY GUY OUT THERE IS LIKE THAT! Trust me. Unfortunately, there are many, many, many guys out there like that that give the rest of us a really bad name, as a gender as a whole. But truth be told, all you have to do is read through so many of these postings on here by guys, mine included, and you will see that there are many of us out there looking for the same thing as you are in life and love-and I am also sure that we are desirable, handsome, successful guys-nice guys with big hearts and love to offer and give. You will find one...you didn't this time, but you will, because now, with the pain of this lesson learned, you will go into your search when you are able with new-found knowledge in separating the wheat from the chaff.

Second...it is a big loss, and don't try to cover it up. You wrote that the anger is here. Well, now you are in for a ride. Accept all feelings, but do not be self-destructive. Allow yourself the time to be angry, and then sad again. And this is important...you say that you are in no contact, and that is great, but you also said that you opened the door for him to call if he needed to tell you something. Is there anything that he really needs to tell you at this point? If there is, fine, if not, I would recommend you changing that position. No contact is more for us than for the ex. Allows us to heal, grieve, and move forward. It is imperative in this time....absolutely. Otherwise we prolong the pain and the healing process. Something we don't want to do. Because it sucks, out loud.

Lastly-please don't feel like a fool. Love does blind us, takes over rational thought. So many of us on here can testify to that. I, for one, fought a battle for two years that my mind told me I could never win, yet my heart wouldn't let me give up. I broke it off several times, only to cave when she would come back to me. In the end, my mind had always been right, and what happened was exactly what I knew all along was going to happen. I feel as though I wasted almost three years of my life, but you know what? With time I have come to realize that it was not wasted at all, because of what I have learned. I know that I will never make that mistake again, that if I am ever in a relationship that even SEEMS inequitable, I will walk away at the first sign of it. And that lesson is invaluable, after what I have been through. But yes, I have felt like a fool too. But that doesn't help, and while there may be a shred of truth to it, it does no good to dwell on our mistakes, not if we are able to learn from them.

Well, I hope you are ok-feel free to write, pm, whatever, if I can offer any more to you. Be well, one day at a time...Michael

[ebbs81]

thanks for the feedback, michael. it's nice to know that others have gone through similar situations, as much as it sux that that's the common thread.

 

i hear what you are saying about the nc thing, by leaving it open to him. i really don't know what else he'd have to say either...probably nothing. maybe i just hope to hear that he regrets it, but even so it wouldn't do much b/c i have no intentions of getting back together. it's also a waste of time/hope/energy to anticipate that call, too, and i know that. perhaps he'll never call & i won't have to worry about telling him to cut it off...i suppose in time, if a call does ever come again, i'll be that much stronger and be able to completely end it.

 

i'm glad to hear that not all guys are like that (i knew there HAD to be some exceptions! ) it just seems like such a stupid reason to end a long relationship, i guess that's what bugs me. his actions didn't add up w/his words, and that's why i feel like a fool. but i can't beat myself up too much...i'm not a mind reader, and he never had the balls to talk to me about it.

 

ok, enough for now...thanks.

[romantic sweetheart]

Hi. I just read your post, and like you, I once had a relationship end for this hurtful reason. Back in 1998 I met Josh, a charming, funny guy who made me laugh and brought out the lighter side of me. We had a lot of fun together, but the communication was not one of the most solid things about our relationship. Looking back, I see so clearly now all the reasons why the relationship was wrong. One of the main things was that Josh was very demanding physically, and he wanted me to cross lines I didn't want to cross. He was completely jerky about it, but I kept in the relationship because I thought he would change and learn to appreciate and adore me for who I was. Wrong. It only got worse. But I felt I loved him, so I tried to reason with him. One night he called me and told me it was over, plain and simple. He didn't explain anything, he just said he did not want to see me or hear from me again. I remember hanging up the phone and crumpling to the ground in my grief. For a whole week we didn't talk, then one night Josh came over, drunk and apologetic. It was dumb that I let him back in, but I did. The next day he took off, saying he had made a mistake. I followed him and pleaed with him to give uis another chance. This started another up and down cycle for us, complete with an episode of me pouring out my heart to him, begging him to accept me and respect me for my beliefs concerning my sexuality, only to have him yell at me to "Get out!" What a nightmare. This affected me so much I dropped out of school and moved home. I thought I would always be hurting, and the thing was, I was so angry and frustrated and in despair because I was being rejected for not being physical enough for him. I didn't know how to deal with this rage and upset, so I just fell apart.

 

well, time went on. We saw each other a few more times, but it was always an awful situation. He told me he could never marry a person like me because of what I believed. The thing is, he made sexuality dirty to me; he made me hate that part of me. Years later, I found a person who made me feel completely the opposite of that. Josh was too selfish to realise how much he had missed with me, and this is the case for your boyfriend. Not all men are like this, just like Michael has said. The true men are the ones who fall for you, and fall for you hard, for who you are, ,for everything you are, and do not whittle down the experience of love to how much sex is involved. Yes, physical intimacy is a crucial part of all of our romantic unions, but it comes in balance with the emotional, spiritual, and intellectual forces of a loving union. No one who would drop you coldy, without warning and without adequate, loving talks, is not equipped for what it takes to maintain a lasting, deep relationship, one built on mutual love and respect.'

 

Trust me, if and when your boyfriend wisens up and matures, he will regret what he has done. I never thought Josh would; he was so self-assured and cold about everything, I just let go of the idea he would ever feel remorse for his treatment of me. But after a month of no contact, lo and behold, he came back and even shed a tear in apology for how cold he had been. But at that point, I was strong. I knew I couldn't go back, and I didn't. Thank God, because I was able to meet a man who absolutely adored me and made me feel more me than I was by myself. Sadly, the reason why I am on this site is because that has recently come to an end, but I just want you to know that there are men out there who will lift you up and never let you fall. There is a right and true match out there, a man who will follow you until the end of time, who will be your steadfast mate, your passionate lover, the man who will never let you go. Against all odds, he will be there, closer to you than anything else on earth. Let's hold on for dear life, through all our pain, and know that love will win out, and love will find us again.

[Scout]

It's too bad, there are some guys (and women) out there who are just plain jerks, period. I once had a guy dump me because he wanted to videotape us having sex and I wouldn't do it. Luckily, the somewhat decent guys far outnumber the selfish creeps that, like a rite of passage or something, all of us at one time have fallen prey to.

 

Hang in there, your anger is healthy & shows you have a lot of respect for yourself. You'll meet a much better guy down the road. Maybe sooner than you think!

[ebbs81]

The true men are the ones who fall for you, and fall for you hard, for who you are, ,for everything you are, and do not whittle down the experience of love to how much sex is involved.

 

amen, exactly what i needed to hear. thank you so much!

 

i'm sorry to hear about your current situation, but you seem like such a wise, insightful, strong-willed person who stands up for what they believe in--i have no doubt that you will find someone who truly deserves you, as well, and treasures those qualities about you. thank you for being able to relate--it's very helpful.

 

good luck!

[romantic sweetheart]

Hi, and thanks for the reply. Yes, we all need to be strong, hang in there, and we will attract the love we need. When I have felt like i couldn't go on, I throw out all my grief to the skies. Someone is listening, someone hears me. Out of the depths of all our ancient human longings, there will come our relief, our redemption. I truly believe in soulmates, people made out of the very same fabric we are. There are many people out there who can be soulmates to us, friends or lovers, but of course, it comes all in due time. Let's believe in love and romance; it is real, it exists, it is waiting patiently for our hearts to heal. The goodness we have in ourselves will be mirrored in our lover's eyes. Healing to all today......