She broke it off, so why's she calling?

[adb72]

Here's the run down:

 

Split up with my girlfriend of 2 years in February. We've been On again/Off again till about a month ago, when she startted calling less, coming around less, etc. She told me that it's really, really important to her to remain friends - she "see's me as someone who will be in her life forever." So do I. Now, we didn't really communicate too well in these last few months. But we DID sit down last Thursday and hash out everything that's been happening since the "break-up". She said that soon after the break, she thought she wanted to try to make things work again (she never told ME) and that's why we were on/off so much. Well, I told her that I feel strongly for her still and can't imagine her with someone else (even though she went on a date 2 weeks ago), so until I can get there, I will need time away from her. She said she understood. That I was the best boyfriend she's ever had, and that she didn't really want to plot out how much space we'd have. Hmmmm. We've got a few mutual things in each others apartments that we need to get to each other, so we know that we have to deal with that still. But here's the thing

 

Thursday we talked till midnight. That's when I told her that if we aren't together, I need space to heal. She CALLS ME on Friday, just to say 'hi 'and to let me know what she's doing on Saturday. No contact Saturday, Sunday or Monday. But she apologises for NOT calling on Sunday. (???) Then she calls me today to tell me she's going out of town on a business trip and doesn't know if her cell will work, and that she'll call me when she gets back into town. I though I made myself clear. I love her and want her back, but if SHE is following through with the split, I need some space. So here's my main question What is illiciting this behavior? I mean, I love to hear her voice, but she KNOWS I'm still in pain and miss her. She claimed to understand what i was saying on Thursday. I just don't understand what she's doing. Any insight would be nice!! THANKS!!

[Finzsoftie]

Well from your post I think that she is really confused at the moment. And this is making you confused also. The NO CONTACT (NC) rule applies best in these cases. You have to keep telling her that. She lay her bed, now she has to sleep in it as well.

 

What's the point of this endless game? You have to tell her, that you are both human, and to stop all of this marking about.

 

Breaking up is hard to do, and the no contact rule, is also hard as.. but you have to think of yourself also. She is not letting you get on with your life. Maybe if she gave you room to breath, you would be able to see things more clearly.

 

When I split up with my bf of 3 years, I kept coming back, we were on and off for the last year, and it was me who was controlling the situation, him also in a way. But the main thing is to give her the space, and allow the space for yourself also, to think more clearly. Tell her.... "if you love something let it go, if it loves you it will come back, if not then it was never yours." and remember this quote yourself.

 

Give it time, have space! And if she is going out on a date. Her cell is not working and she will call you back....... You dont need games! Seriously! You dont !!!!!

[sinnerboy]

hi,

 

sorry to hear that you are in so much pain.

it looks to me like she has no idea what she wants. i think you should just ignorer her calls. i know it is nice to hear her voice and stuff, but you have to think what is best for you right now. you need time to heal and if you keep picking up her calls it will get you more hurt.

 

good luck

[Mar]

I have to agree that she's confused, and misses you. I think it was most likely a shock to hear you say you didn't want her in your life if you two weren't together, and she has the fear that all ex's do in that she's afraid that if she doesn't make her presense known, you'll forget about her and move on. Does it make sense considering you two broke up? Nope, but again, it never does.

 

It's up to you to lay down the ultimatum, if that's what it takes. Let her know that she can either be with you completely, as in dating again, or she needs to respect your wishes and not contact you, since you can't have your heart dragged through the hurt every time she calls but can't commit to you. Ex's seem to have a difficult time understanding that "friends" just isn't possible as soon as a couple breaks up (and I'm sure there are those out there that will disagree, but this is just my opinion/personal experience), because there's too much emotional entanglement.

 

So if you want to move on, let her know that. Assure her that she's an important part of your life, but that she can't be in it right this second so you can get your head and your heart together for yourself.

 

Mar

[Val]

A break up is always hard on both people of a relationship especially one that has lasted as long as yours. Evidently she has lingering feelings but that doesn't necessarily mean she wants you back. You honestly shouldn't be asking yourself why she keeps calling, just deal with it. She might be regretting the break up or simply be keeping you on the side for a "just in case I'd like to have him back" scenario.

Eitherway, this is not and definitely WILL NOT let you get over her. You need to tell her that if she isn't willing to be your girlfriend again that you need her to stop calling. You don't have to be rude but BE FIRM because she obviously didn't understand the first time. Let her know that the ONLY reason why you don't wish to talk to her is because you need time for your feelings to disappear.

 

And if she still calls you after this then she simply doesn't want to see you moving on. It's unfortunate, but I've seen many enjoy playing with their ex's feelings. If that's the case she will ultimately meet someone new and u'll be hurt even more. No contact really is the best way to go.

 

Nonetheless, best of luck and hope to hear you guys get back together soon.

[ShuShu Fontana]

Lord, I wish I had told my ex to leave me alone. How was I supposed to get over him whenhe was conactign me everyday? And I was just so heartbrokend I thought he would come back when it looks like he just wanted to hangin' round, even while he got a new lover. And like a fool, I did it. A brokenhearted fool.

 

Don't be me, child.

 

Have some pride, and some self-respect and tell her to leave you be if she doesn't want to be your lover. She can't break up with you and then keep you hanging around. That's not right, honey.

[TrueHeart]

Sounds to me, like she still doesn't know what to do.. and that the thought of losing you, ultimately. But you're right, if SHE is the one that wants to stay away-- and follow through, she does need to.. I think honestly though, she really doesn't-- and I see you two both getting back together soon... Make sure, after her trip, that you both sit down and talk your intentions out....

[adb72]

I know I have to be firm and tell her I need time and space to get over her, but unfortunately there are a few loose ends we have to tie up and we won't be done with that till next Tuesday.

 

Also, and I know I shouldn't let this bother me, but she left on her business trip yesterday and I can't stop thinking about her. She's in Vegas for a convention, and she's incredibly attractive and gets hit on CONSTANTLY. In our relationship, I was secure and never felt threatened, but I can't shake the feeling or vision of her surrounded by all those guys. And I know I should just let it go and say to myself that she can do whatever she wants, but it's hard.

 

We have to see each other this weekend. Then on Tuesday. I know it's better for me to act calm and collected, but inside I'm hurt and saddened and I know I shouldn't harbor thoughts of getting back together, either, but until I can get her out of my head, I still want her. This is painful, and I think it'll get worse till Friday or Saturday, when she gets back.

[Val]

Like I said before I know how you feel. I'm just getting over a break up myself and I hated to hear this but you'll feel better with time.

 

Sorry to see you feel so down.

[adb72]

Well, today is a little better. I really appreciate all the help. It's tough to think I'm just being strung along and that her attention isn't affection. We both want to be friends still, but I know that I am still too emotionally invested to continue to see her.

Last night was one of the first nights I actually slept ALL NIGHT. I usually have horrible dreams and wake up for an hour or so with thoughts of her racing through my mind. But I re-read everyones postings, thought positively and tried to be strong. My emotions are torn; part of me can't wait to see her this weekend, and part of me KNOWS it's just going to set me back. Should I be cool and calm when dealing with her again? Don't be emotional and tell her I missed her? I don't want to play games, but I don't want to feed this rollercoaster. After Tuesday, i can close it all down, but I kind of dread the next few days. Being around her is going to be a HUGE test, and probably pretty painful after she's gone home.

[TrueHeart]

Play it cool. You don't want her thinking that you are a desperate fool because thats only an ego boost. I really hope that these things will work out for the better for you. You seem like such a great person.. Its a shame that someone has to take such advantage of that.

 

There is a lot of self-therapy on this forum.. Lots of it, and lots of faceless friends that are in the same boat in the huge, stormy sea of trials and errors in love and war... You're welcome here anytime you need a friend.. there is ALWAYS someone listening...

[bitterbear18]

Hey guys,

 

Just wanted to ask for your opinion on my situation at present:

 

My ex wants a final good-bye/closure meeting next Saturday, but I feel that after three weeks of causal emails and a phone call here and there that it's not that worth it.

 

If I do go, what do I say? Or do I just listen?

 

Confused right now

[Greenlee]

I'll tell you the real deal:

 

She's got her eye on someone else but is unsure of it at this time so she's keeping you stringing along just in case. It's the oldest game in the book.

 

My ex bf left here and I didn't find out for about 2 months that he was having a good 'ol time with someone else... All the while he had been calling me and telling me he wasn't sure about things and he liked talking to me.. He had to hear from me! He wasn't sure about her at that time and needed to keep me on the back burner.... just in case!

 

I don't want to hurt you but listen to the posters here and please listen to me. Go with the NO CONTACT rule. She'll have to make a decision of returning and trying with you or moving on without you. Don't let her call all the shots. She'll take you for granted. She either wants you or she doesn't !! Someone either loves you or they don't ! There's no in-between! Get your power back now! 8) PLAY IT COOL. DON'T BE A FOOL.