Lost? Bored? What am I doing?

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Been along time since I've been round these ways, my Ex used to read my posts & then confront me about them so I backed off. She lives in Australia now so who cares.

 

I have been with my Ex off & on for the last 4 years. Around July last year she came back & I surprised her with a ring, got engaged, bought a house together & got a dog. I thought I was on track for "happily ever after". But she always had an element of mistrust with me so it didn't last. April this year we broke up & she moved to Oz to start over. She left me here in "our" house, with "our" dog surrounded by "our" stuff to carry on with my life. I grieved. I got angry, now I'm getting over it. I admit I still have moments of sadness where I miss her like crazy and then other times where I'm so angry at her for saying yes & then running away like she always does with things get too hard..........

 

I'm not sure what to do now though. I have a house that reminds me of her everyday, I am barely staying afloat with repayments/insurance etc. I love my dog but I just don't have enough time for her anymore. I have no concentration for work. I've decided I need to quit smoking, today is day 2 & although its not that bad & I know I should quit, I feel like I'm wasting my time. Sometimes I wish I wasn't here. I'm bored with everything. There doesn't seem much point to anything at all. I kind of had direction before when I was with her, in that we were going to grow old together, maybe have kids, travel. Thats all gone now.

 

I'm not sure that its all related to the break up though. She gets to go & travel the world, make new friends, see new sights, experience new things. And I'm stuck here in the same town, doing the same job, in the same house with the same friends..........perhaps thats why she hated this town so much? But I can't leave. I've always wanted a house so I could have a dog. Plus my daughter to my previous marriage lives in this town aswell so I don't want to stray to far from her

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We still have viewable profiles on Facebook. We haven't blocked each other on MSN (although I have a couple of times off & on), we still email occasionally, mostly about just factual life stuff (she still has money in the house until I can afford to buy her out). She still wants to be friends as I am her best friend she tells me. I'd like to think she was mine too but its not that easy switching from Fiance to friends.

 

She winds me up. Shes so soft. She gave up so easy!!! Marriage is for life & she bailed & ran away after only 8 months of only being engaged!!! GAHHH!!!!!!! I would have done anything for her. I almost hate her for leaving. Until I met her I never wanted to get married again

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I tried. I blocked & deleted her on FB & MSN but it just started driving me crazy. Just knowing shes online makes me feel better. We don't even have to be talking. So I added her back on both. She queried my reasoning for doing so, stating that I must have deleted her for a reason but I'm putting my nicotine withdrawals down as the excuse for my unstable emotional state at the moment.

 

So its the same as it was. We actually talked at little this arvo. Told her I was still angry at her but still missed her aswell.

 

I still have alot of her stuff at home to sort out. I'll do that this weekend

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Seems to me you have a couple of things to deal with here.

 

First, you really don't seem to be over being abandoned by this woman who hasn't seemed to treated you all that well. Why do you continue to desire her?

 

Second, if the house is causing you financial stress, you should seriously consider selling it and leaving that stress behind. This will also let you cut your financial ties with your ex which can only be a good thing.

 

Of course there is the dog. Try to find a nice home for it with people who have the time which you say you don't.

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I probably haven't treated her as best as I could have over the last 4 years. I've had my own issues but we got through them. I thought we were set up for the rest of our lives. I never wanted to re-marry until I met her. I desire her because I love her. Shes the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

Trying to get over her while still wanting to be with her so much just seems totally at odds with my own mind. I tried no contact but can only manage a day before I have to talk to her again because I miss her so much. I say I'd rather be friends with her that nothing at all but I can't go from fiance to friend with the click of a finger. How has she done it so quickly?

 

Shes only 3 hours away via plane & the flights are cheap, why couldn't we have done LDR & visited each other different weekends? Well she says this is for the best apparently. Well why don't I get a say in any of this? What about my opinion?

 

I would beg but I've already done that & to be honest shes started getting quite short with me now as I keep bringing it up. I just miss her so much. I'm sure she still loves me, she must do. Its only been 2 months, Love doesn't just stop. Surely we can build on that