Is it possible to recreate love??

[ColdasHoth]

I am 23 and my husband is 31... and obviously we have been having some real issues, otherwise I wouldn't be on here lol

 

Most of the issues at the moment are coming from my side simply because I don't feel that I love him anymore- I have tested this in many ways and keep coming back to the same conclusion. I don't want to be single, I want to be in love, I think I am a creature of love and need it in my life- and haven't had it in a long while...

 

However my husband does love me or so I think. He tells me he does. And to be honest, he is the kind of guy I would want to raise a family with and settle down with- thereinliestheissue

 

We were married when I was 2 months into being 21... 23 now- I'm not ready to settle down. He is... and I can't put him on the shelf and hope he stays there until I am ready. But even if I did want to settle down- I don't love him. I mean I deeply care for him and do love him but more in a "brother" or "father figure" type of way- like he is a member of my family, not my husband.

 

I mean I know the honeymoon stage can't last forever, but I mean it's only been 2 years, wouldn't we still be in that stage? For a while I thought that my dulling feelings for him was just part of marriage- but I'm no longer physically attracted to him. Sex is a chore and I can't even close my eyes and picture someone else to get any kind of aroused...

 

We are in the midst of seperating, the next step will be to finalize it on paper- but right now he wants to try again and I'm hesitant... because it's not fair to him to have a wife who does not return what he feels.

 

Has anyone ever experienced this and recovered lost feelings of love and desire? Could this just be my age? The fact that I am young and going through self discovery that any relationship would have a hard time surviving.

 

I know I'm looking for the answers to questions only I can answer but maybe advice will help...

[Lastchallenge]

Have u guys ever separated before? Why don't u take some time apart to see how u feel and if u have feelings give the marriage one last try before you walk out...

[Citlali]

Frankly, if you honestly see him as a brother or father figure then this is over. There is no seeing someone romantically once you have reached that stage. You need to let him know that and let him go. He has the right to move on and try to rebuild his life with someone who reciprocates his feelings. You just got married too young at a time when you should have been dating around to see what you liked. At least you realized it now rather than 20 years and 2 kids into the marriage. If you really think you may want to give him a chance, then go ahead and separate for a while. But if you keep feeling the way you do, I'd say it's time to move on.

[AutumnBorn]

Cold, not only can it happen, it happened with me (read below). Marriage is worth fighting for. Boredom is not a reason to divorce. If he's getting fat and ugly, help him get into shape.

 

Love has tides. It's got an ebb and flow. It's normal. We are not supposed to stay in the honeymoon stage. That's a Hollywood lie. (See the link below and read the Skills section.) People have to stop buying the lie and get serious about staying together. Unless there's some abuse or deal breakers, stick with it until you work your way out. Go into counseling. If your counselor isnt' effective, find another one. The link, btw, is the best relationship site on the web, in my opinion.

 

Many years ago, I was convinced I no longer felt anything for my husband. I was fantasizing about other men, withdrawing, it was horrible. He called me one night and said a woman he worked with had just hit on him, what should he do? I said he should do whatever he wanted, I didn't care. I really didn't. They started seeing each other openly. I couldn't have cared less. It was ideal, in some ways.

 

One night, as I was taking care of myself and fantasizing about someone else, I inserted my husband (now ex) where the guy I was thinking about was. Somehow, after about a week of me thinking about the things I truly found attractive and inserting him into my fantasies, he started exciting me again.

 

The other woman found God and ended it, which was fine with me. The ex and I lasted another 11 years. Granted, the last three were not good, but I didn't give up until the very last moment. I loved him up to then and still do.

 

Have you read Al Turtle's blog? If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it, especially the relationship map and romantic v. vintage love. Here's a link:

 

link removed

[Citlali]

Love has tides. It's got an ebb and flow. It's normal.

 

It sure does, but I don't think that includes seeing your husband as a brother or father figure, which is her situation. Did that happen to you? If not, that's not the same thing as the original poster.

[AutumnBorn]

It sure does, but I don't think that includes seeing your husband as a brother or father figure, which is her situation. Did that happen to you? If not, that's not the same thing as the original poster.

 

 

Nothing incestual, but he was like a roommate. Especially when his girlfriend was visiting. I think I liked her more than he did. She took all the pressure off me when she was in town - no worries of him trying to have sex with me.

[Citlali]

Nothing incestual, but he was like a roommate. Especially when his girlfriend was visiting. I think I liked her more than he did. She took all the pressure off me when she was in town - no worries of him trying to have sex with me.

 

Well, I can understand that, but you still didn't see him as a brother or father figure. When you get to THAT point specifically it ceases to be romantic AT ALL. You have now crossed into a whole nother area from where I cannot see a return. I just couldn't see myself trying to get myself to want to get it on with someone I had come to love as a brother or father (in fact a guy in my life whom I saw that way asked me to give him a chance, but I couldn't). If you just see him as a roommate, love can be rekindled, which was your situation.

[ColdasHoth]

Boredom is not a reason to divorce. If he's getting fat and ugly, help him get into shape.

 

Trust me, I am not bored- when this all first happened, we were getting ready to move to Kansas, looking at houses to buy out there, and starting a business... plenty of excitment to go around.

And physically he is the same as he was when we first started dating so fat and ugly isn't the issue either...

 

 

Well I suppose I left too much out of this post originally- our entire marriage has also been founded on the basis of a green card. He is from Greece and was here on a student visa.

 

We were married in December of '07- in June of that year, was when we first spoke about marriage for citizenship and he stood firm in his conviction "I will not marry you for that reason! If we get married, it will be because of love and the right reasons. I will figure this technicality out myself"

 

obviously his convictions began to soften...

 

Before we got married we spoke about it and I can remember a specific conversation, as does he, where we confronted the situation- the plan was: "we will get married and keep it secret, remain a couple, b/f and g/f but with a piece of paper attached to it. If things go well then someday we will have a real wedding, a real ceremony, the real thing... if things don't go well, it will just be another failed relationship and we'll remain married on paper to maintain your status here in the states."

 

After we were married, I got swept up in the motions of it and the feeling and shock value of telling people what we had done, and yeah we began being a married couple- however that deal/conversation had always hovered in the back of my mind and obviously has bothered me more and more over the years...

 

I don't know what it is like to have someone want me for me and only me, and not something I can provide for them...

[ColdasHoth]

Frankly, if you honestly see him as a brother or father figure then this is over. There is no seeing someone romantically once you have reached that stage. You need to let him know that and let him go. He has the right to move on and try to rebuild his life with someone who reciprocates his feelings.

 

I began the process of a seperation about Mid April- and I have been VERY clear with him this entire time!! I feel the same way you do, that he doesn't deserve a wife whose mind is clouded with doubt and heart is not mutually involved... he is a very very good man. An amazing man... but I just can't get myself to love him like I once did.

[Citlali]

I began the process of a seperation about Mid April- and I have been VERY clear with him this entire time!! I feel the same way you do, that he doesn't deserve a wife whose mind is clouded with doubt and heart is not mutually involved... he is a very very good man. An amazing man... but I just can't get myself to love him like I once did.

 

Well, given what you said above and how your marriage came to be in the first place, it seems you are ready to move on. You both deserve the chance to be with someone you are truly in love with. Now that you're separated and you feel the same, continue with the process. There's no point in prolonging this for either of you. Since it isn't a terrible divorce, perhaps you can remain/become good friends at some point, especially considering you do love him as a person. Good luck.

[Baily]

I'm in a separation now. I know the feelings you are having.

 

My initial thought is 'no'. Once it's gone...it's gone....

 

old problems will quickly surface and you'll be headed out the door again.

[FootofGod]

I'm gonna be a little critical, even though I do empathize with you. Love doesn't go, it stays. It's the thing that makes you want to persevere when stuff isn't going well. The "honeymoon" period actually goes away after about a year - those chemicals stop producing. They aren't special, they happen with every relationship, don't mistake them for love and chase them, because it's an endless chase and you'll hurt yourself and others so much looking for it.

 

Yes, it's totally your age. Unequivocally. Don't live a life of bouncing from one fix to another with new relationships to wake up when you're 35 and go "wow, this is terrible. I'll settle for ANYTHING now!" But, at the same time, if you're not ready, you're not ready. Some lessons can only be learned by finding out, unfortunately.

 

Sex is a chore? So is mowing the lawn. Your case is definitely a bit special, because you view him as a father, and sex is a little different, but if it's just a chore, do it occasionally!

 

I know the sparks come and go. Some people let their hearts get hardened when they're running cold, though, and convince themselves it's over and never coming back. And they also convince themselves that that spark is the most important part of love. It's not - it's the damn thing you got when you were 13, it's just as fickle and unreliable as it was then, it always will be.

[AutumnBorn]

You say you don't love him like you used to after you describe it as a business deal. So, was it love or a business? If it was love, it can be rekindled. If it was a business, perhaps it's time to renegotiate the contract.

 

I'd suggest counseling, but it sounds like you're, basically, already gone anyway, not open to trying. Seems like everybody wants the Hollywood scripted marriage and not have to actually put in any effort. Once the chemical high is over, so is the marriage.

 

I don't happen to believe thinking you no longer love somebody is a reason to break your vows. I think that's the time to step up the effort, get help, and work your way out of the relationship in order to be able to end it without regret. After you've done absolutely everything you can to save it and it's not working, it's not only OK to go, it's the absolute right thing, but not until then.

 

That's just me.