He Still Goes Out Too Much

[BlkLagoon]

I am 33 and involved with a 41 year old man. We have been officially together about three months, but I've known him 4.5 years. We used to have an on-and-off casual relationship, then I got a boyfriend and moved on from him. A year and a half later, I was single again and he was ready to commit to me.

He is a little immature- just barely stopped living with his brother and got his own place, he plays in a band, he looks a lot younger, and he enjoys going out with his "boys/mates" about 3 times a week. This usually means hanging out with one of the guys in the band (the one that is single and an alcoholic) and getting drinks at the bar. Granted, before we were together-- and in the beginning of our relationship-- he was going out a lot more and drinking a lot more as well. He agreed to "reel it in" and said it was time, but I still struggle with those nights a week he goes out for a few hours. He tells me I have nothing to worry about, it's no big deal, it's just time with his friend, he loves me, etc.

But, I think because of the on-and-off casual relationship we used to have for a couple years, I still don't trust him. During that time, he was extremely irresponsible. He was doing coke sometimes, he had another girl or two all the time, and he was a very heavy drinker. A lot has changed since then for him, and he's reformed a lot of those old bad habits. I see him as a changed man in many ways, but the few nights a week always affects me in a negative way. I feel like there's not enough assurance in the world to where I'll feel ok with it.

We are going to couples counseling, we do spend about 4 nights a week together (mellow evenings), he has made me a big part of his life and everyone knows we are together. I guess I am looking towards the future right now and worried he never "reel it in" as much as I would like.

So... questions:

Am I being impatient?

Am I being too insecure?

Am I making too big a deal of this?

What else can I do but counseling and communication?

Anyone else know men like this, is it worth sticking out?

[hexaemeron]

Yes. Yes. Almost certainly. Relax and offer to go out with him one of these times and see how he reacts.

[Day_Walker]

It appears that you do not truly believe that he is a reformed man. If you cannot establish a level of trust with him then your relationship is not going to progress. The truth be told is that you cannot keep him from going out and if you are not okay with that then this isnt the guy for you.

 

If you have only been together for 3 months and you already want to try couples counseling, that in my mind just doesnt sound good.

[Scott12]

Him going out without you three nights a week seems a little excessive, although I wasn't clear on if you were living together or not. I usually limit nights with the boys to once a week at most, sometimes once every two weeks. Although I guess it would be different if you aren't living together and don't have kids.

 

Scott

[BlkLagoon]

We're not living together and have no kids.

The counseling is because of the past casual relationship. Trying to trust and believe in him now is hard for me due to the past.

[hexaemeron]

We're not living together and have no kids.

The counseling is because of the past casual relationship. Trying to trust and believe in him now is hard for me due to the past.

 

What did he do in your "casual" relationship before? Was it casual for him and not for you?

[BlkLagoon]

In the casual relationship, it was pretty much just about sex for him. He had been in a long term relationship before then and was not over it yet, so he wasn't emotionally available to me or anyone. He would get involved with other women, but when I asked him about it he would deny it. He basically would lie to keep me hanging around and waiting for something to change. I take responsibility for sticking around as long as I did without getting a commitment. Yes, I was emotionally attached and he was not.

[hexaemeron]

In the casual relationship, it was pretty much just about sex for him. He had been in a long term relationship before then and was not over it yet, so he wasn't emotionally available to me or anyone. He would get involved with other women, but when I asked him about it he would deny it. He basically would lie to keep me hanging around and waiting for something to change. I take responsibility for sticking around as long as I did without getting a commitment. Yes, I was emotionally attached and he was not.

 

Okay, but from the sound of it, you knew it was casual and he was upfront about that fact. (Please correct me if I misinterpreted) -- So you hitched yourself up to a man who didn't want to be tied down. You can't blame him for that, can you?

[BlkLagoon]

Nope, but I do think it sucked that he lied to me and the other girls. Yes, I knew it was casual then.

But now it's a different story. He has made the commitment, on his own accord. He has invited me into his life as his girlfriend. Everyone knows about me, where as before I was like a secret. I've met his family, he's met my family, he professes his love for me every day. It's completely different than the past.

And yet, him going out with the guys now... reminds me of that past. It triggers old emotions. I don't know how to get over it I guess.

[hexaemeron]

Nope, but I do think it sucked that he lied to me and the other girls. Yes, I knew it was casual then.

But now it's a different story. He has made the commitment, on his own accord. He has invited me into his life as his girlfriend. Everyone knows about me, where as before I was like a secret. I've met his family, he's met my family, he professes his love for me every day. It's completely different than the past.

And yet, him going out with the guys now... reminds me of that past. It triggers old emotions. I don't know how to get over it I guess.

 

Well, let's try to think about what you make you feel more comfortable and then see how reasonable that actually is. So... what would make you more comfortable?

[BlkLagoon]

I'd be more comfortable if he was the type of guy that was comfortable just staying in and reading or watching tv (like me) and not have to do something every single night. I'd be comfortable if he wasn't so social and didn't know so many people, and didn't have a job (and the band) where he's always meeting new people. I'd be more comfortable if he was constantly reassuring me, even more than he already does.

None of the above is reasonable.

[hexaemeron]

I'd be more comfortable if he was the type of guy that was comfortable just staying in and reading or watching tv (like me) and not have to do something every single night. I'd be comfortable if he wasn't so social and didn't know so many people, and didn't have a job (and the band) where he's always meeting new people. I'd be more comfortable if he was constantly reassuring me, even more than he already does.

None of the above is reasonable.

 

It's good you realize that, because yeah, none of that is reasonable. You will not change him. If you want someone so different, you need to find someone else.

[geekgirl4]

He's reformed himself a lot, for you. Keyword: for you. I think just because you're hitting your 40's doesn't mean you shouldn't go out for a beer or two with some friends. You also stated that he opens up a lot of his time for you. He's done so much, are you asking him to completely cut off who he is? Keep trusting him and don't be so insecure. Certainly, you should exercise some caution, in case he relapses, but if he still cares for you a lot and takes time to be with you, then don't worry.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He is a little immature- just barely stopped living with his brother and got his own place, he plays in a band, he looks a lot younger, and he enjoys going out with his "boys/mates" about 3 times a week. This usually means hanging out with one of the guys in the band (the one that is single and an alcoholic) and getting drinks at the bar.

 

I think you have reason to be concerned. He has led a very irresponsible and wild life and while he may have toned it down, he still wants to keep one foot in that wild life. You had a boyfriend for a while, what happened with that...how long after the break up did you start seeing this guy again? This guy sounds like your classic "rocker bad boy"...what exactly do you see in a guy who, at 41, only finally moved out on his own, was into coke and promiscuity and bascially has the opposite values and character of you? You may never be able to trust this guy or get passed what happened before, because he hasn't completely given up that lifestyle. I would say you would have a better chance of moving on with him had he totally given up that wild, drinking lifestyle..but he still wants to be a part of it. If you choose to be with him then you have to accept that this is the man he is and he is not likely to change...and the fact that he still dabbles in it means that he could eventually go back into it once the novelty of the relationship wears off. I would also like to know if he truly cares about you or if he is feeling his age and wants some sort of settled life.

[pl3asehelp]

Agreed. You can't really just half step out of that lifestyle without just sliding back into it. And from what you say about how often he goes out drinking combined with a past of even more excessive drinking and hard drug use he definitely has a substance abuse problem that at his age will probably start affecting his health soon if it hasn't already. That's going to be a hard road in the future.