Ex makes contact on Day 422 of NC

[uj2004]

When will I learn to stop allowing my ex to tear me up inside?

 

If you want to look through my history, feel free. This all started in February 2009, when she left me. Started dating another guy that same week (first date on the same DAY she dumped me), and moved in with him after 4-6 weeks (we never lived together, were together for 2.5 years, and broken up but seeing eachother weekly for 10 months on top, so 3.5 years total.)

 

I started complete No Contact in March '09.

 

* She text messaged in April '09 (day 18 of NC), I ignored.

 

* She emailed "I miss you" in July '09 (day 139 of NC), I replied the same 18 days later when I got it, and called a few days after that. The guy she is with found out about her sending the email, and blocked my email (so she can't receive from me) and read her the riot act apparently.

 

* Nothing again until January 2010, then another "I miss you" email (day 308 of NC). I went up and saw her after this one, to hand her a birthday card (her email was 4 days before her birthday) and just to find out what was going on. She was still with him, although mentioned being unhappy and was close to moving back home with her folks.

 

The catchup was pretty good, but I felt nothing for her physically, which was strange - Id never been unattracted to her until that day. I gave her my phone number, but she was very cagey about hers, and didn't want to reveal it, because of her douchbag guy and how he'd reacted in August to her email to me. Anyway, that day goes, and back to NC.

 

Until last week, day 422 since I began No Contact. She sent me a text message (first one since April '09) saying it was her, and asking how I was. 3 more texts followed, she mentioned she was packing and was moving, probably back home. I replied to 3 of them, and left it alone after she mentioned she was probably moving back home.

 

Anyway, to today, where I finally cracked and checked her facebook public profile (im not a friend, never accepted, and dont do the facebook thing anyway), to see she is still listed as being in a relationship with the loser.

 

I feel like an idiot. I actually sent her a text tonight, 4 days on, to say it was nice hearing from her the other day. Had I known she was still with the other guy, I wouldn't have wasted my time.

 

Its my birthday on Saturday, so I dunno what will happen there. Keep in mind any contact I have ever made with her since I started NC has just been replies to her.

 

My questions?

 

Why did she contact me, especially letting me know she is moving back home?

 

Why did she give me her phone number, when she has clearly shown that she cannot let the boyfriend know she is having anything to do with me?

 

Why break no contact 4 times if she doesn't want me in her life? Or does she?

 

Im really confused. Help.

[pumpkinmoon]

So she's still with him! If she was that unhappy with him, she wouldn't be would she?

 

My opinion is that this has been dragged out long enough and you have allowed it to be. Had you gone NC and acually stuck to it more strictly, you would be in a much better place now instead of being her trying to work out her motives. The fact of the matter is that she is with him. That's really all you need to know. I'm guessing from the time scale that everything happened in she left you for him, that alone is more than enough to cut someone out of your life for good.

[fr0z3n]

422 days of NC?... Is this real?... If it's real, I think you've already moved on if not at least felt better... I think you didnt used NC for what exactly it is meant to be done, to heal "YOURSELF". If you can't stick to it strictly then it is not called NC. They say that NC works or sometimes not, it depends on the situation but in your situation you have no other choice but to cut all contacts with her (you should have done this already days or weeks after the break up)... All I can say is if you've done NC the right way, you shouldnt be feeling like this until now...

[uj2004]

It just doesn't make sense though, to move back home, away from him, contact me, but she's still with him?

 

She didn't respond to my text today, no shock there.

 

Im trying and have been trying to heal from NC Shoefairy, but it just hasn't been working how I would like. I was going better 6 months ago than I am now. I guess you could say it was one of those relationships where you never feel like its totally gone... even though that's how I need to view it.

 

Frozen - its real. But check my threads from last year, it was never easy for me, and still isn't. She was my first everything, so that's why I have not found the ability to just let go.

 

I do take umbrage to people who say I haven't actually done real No Contact. I think I have been pretty admirable, only replying to 3 of her 4 breaks in this timeframe - I think that's pretty strong willed for a guy that was dumped for the first time.

[pumpkinmoon]

Well she probably does miss you even though she is with him but that's not enough for her to leave him. I think she has been very selfish during this whole thing by contacting you instead of leaving you alone to heal. Maybe there have been times in her current relationship where she has thought that things might not be going so well or quite how she expected them to and that's when she starts to feel lonely and tried making contact with you.

 

As for moving back home, who knows. It might even just be an idea at the moment. Something she has thought about but makes it more real when she talks about it with you. Maybe she thinks that you will be more inclined to respond to her when she needs to talk to you if you think she is moving back home.

 

By now, you should have no idea what day of NC it actually is. To get to day 422 and still be counting worries me.

[uj2004]

 

By now, you should have no idea what day of NC it actually is. To get to day 422 and still be counting worries me.

 

That was for effect basically. I had to work that out, I had no clue what it actually was.

 

Im not worth worrying about, Im fine. I just want to have some insight into what the hell is going on here, because I am sick of it.

 

I am fine to date other girls, just can't get any interested in me. Believe me I have tried, and at the moment I am just not bothering, everyone says it will find you when you least expect it. I think that's bs. I am prepared to be alone, it looks much more stable than this crap.

[DazB]

You said you have no feelings for her physically. Do you still 'love' her emotionally? Do you want to be with her still?

 

If yes, then you need to make it clear to her and if she is adamant she does not want to recconcile then go back to no contact and ignore her messages as best you can.

 

If no, then stop worrying about her mixed signals and get on with living your life.

 

(Of course that's all much easier said than done, good luck pal)

 

As for the answer to your questions. This may sound lame but there is only 1 person who truly knows why she has done them things and you know who I mean. Anything else is just speculation.

[pumpkinmoon]

That was for effect basically. I had to work that out, I had no clue what it actually was.

 

Im not worth worrying about, Im fine. I just want to have some insight into what the hell is going on here, because I am sick of it.

 

I am fine to date other girls, just can't get any interested in me. Believe me I have tried, and at the moment I am just not bothering, everyone says it will find you when you least expect it. I think that's bs. I am prepared to be alone, it looks much more stable than this crap.

 

It's definitely not bs. I truly believe that. I have had 2 serous boyfriends.... both times I never knew I was going to meet them.

[MikNomis]

Start counting from 0 again. Why would you keep counting when you broke NC and responded to her? The 422 day count might seem long to you, but it's pretty much back to square one every time you break the NC. You fell into the trap of reciprocating to her message, and even told her you miss her as well and went to see her. On top of that she's still with the other boyfriend. Do you see how she is having a great time having a boyfriend AND getting attention from you when she tries?

 

It's time to move on for real. REALLY don't respond to her at any cost.

[uj2004]

You said you have no feelings for her physically. Do you still 'love' her emotionally? Do you want to be with her still?

 

If yes, then you need to make it clear to her and if she is adamant she does not want to recconcile then go back to no contact and ignore her messages as best you can.

 

If no, then stop worrying about her mixed signals and get on with living your life.

 

(Of course that's all much easier said than done, good luck pal)

 

As for the answer to your questions. This may sound lame but there is only 1 person who truly knows why she has done them things and you know who I mean. Anything else is just speculation.

 

I could have emotional feelings for her, but not right now. I just have the memories floating through my head daily, and its really tough to stop, particularly when she arrives on the scene every 4 or 5 months to set me back.

 

Whenever I think about her and I possibly reconciling, which Ive only thought of since her messages last week, well I think of the version of her she was, with me. When I think of the current girl, I am a little angry if anything, I can't really imagine being with her as she is now.

[DazB]

I could have emotional feelings for her, but not right now. I just have the memories floating through my head daily, and its really tough to stop, particularly when she arrives on the scene every 4 or 5 months to set me back.

 

I can empathise with that. I am only 4-5 months out of my relationship with 3-4 months of NC but still think about her often. We have had a recent bit of contact about sorting some financial stuff out and it has stirred old feelings.

 

The only way I have managed to break the stream of memories is to keep myself distracted and busy, but I inevitably have times when things slow down and the memories kick back in. As time passes again the memories fade again and I find I to and fro inbetween feeling moved on and back at square one. Eventually the 'to' will win out and you will move on, at least I keep telling myself that.

 

 

Whenever I think about her and I possibly reconciling, which Ive only thought of since her messages last week, well I think of the version of her she was, with me. When I think of the current girl, I am a little angry if anything, I can't really imagine being with her as she is now.

 

I imagin the version of her you have is also exagerated. I find it is with me. I have her pegged as some amazing being that I will never be able to replace. She is amazing but so are many others.

 

Have to go now, TC mate.

[britomart]

Overall, I think you did a pretty good job with the NC, even if it wasn't consecutive.

 

I would agree with a previous poster...she misses you, but not enough to want you back.

[fLuiD]

You've broken NC in between so your number of days of total NC is off. This breaking contact has also lead to a delay in your moving on. No Contact means No Contact. You don't inittiate, you don't respond to her contact. The stricter you are with this, the better you will heal. Pick yourself up again, and get into strict NC.

[jimmajam]

I think you're doing fine man. If you only talked to her a handful of times in 422 that IS no contact in my opinion. Plus after so long of keeping no contact, it really becomes less and less relevant and effective - as you heal.

 

I also understand being curious about something, posting on here and getting people telling you how you need to do no contact, you're not healed, all that stuff. You can be just fine and still post on here about your ex, because you probably do still care about there somewhere inside of you.

 

Anyways, to your situation, I would just keep doing what you're doing. If she is contacting you after this long she wants something, we just don't know if that's a renewed interest or she truly just misses you as a person and wants you in her life as a friend. So just roll with it, don't put too much into contacting and interacting with her, and see where she takes it. Either she continues to keep distance and stay with her boyfriend, something develops and it builds to where you two work things out or you no longer find any need to keep in contact with her and YOU drift away like she did at the breakup.

[RobD70]

Never respond to “miss you” txt/emails, wait until they break down and start apologizing and telling you that you are great and don’t deserve them. Stuff like “miss you” or “Hi!” are not worth responding to and makes you look kinda weak if you do.

 

She probably is having a hard time with her current bf and is looking for support or an ego boost to help her through it. Basically wanting to use someone to get over him. Don’t be that guy because she will be all nice to you and maybe even hint about reconciling then BAM!, with no warning right back with the jerky guy again. Seen it happen too many times so your best bet is to ignore her until she is begging for you to speak with her and even then, always keep you guard up. Never assume she wants to get back with you no matter what she says or does at first. She has to earn her way back IF that’s the road she chooses later.

 

Ignore her and try to get any ideals of getting to together with her again out of your head. It would be messy and chances are it would fail anyway. She has to want it more than you for it to work and it doesn’t look that way right now.

[AutumnBorn]

UJ, here's the thing...she may have simply neglected to change her status. People don't always think of all the details and it was just last week.

 

I seriously doubt she'd have given you her number if she was with the controlling loser. Why would she want the hassle from him? That would make no sense.

 

Sounds like you've made tremendous strides, but might still be open to reconnecting with her on some level. Why else would it bother you in the least that her status was the same? If you checked in with her to ask if she's OK, how the move went, it could go a long way in moving forward.

 

If you're not open to reconnecting, don't ever respond or take her calls. She'll get the message eventually.

[uj2004]

Thanks for all the replies, especially Rob D (you are a master - I always check to see what you write about these things because you make sense) and Autumnborn.

 

She didn't respond to my message yesterday, which didn't surprise me, and im ok with it. I know I stuffed up sending it, I just wanted to get some clarity in the situation. My birthday being just 4 days away, I didnt feel like waiting that long to see if she again made contact.

 

Once again, I realise the amount of days No Contact is not a true figure, simply trying to highlight how long it has been since it started, and why an ex would still be reaching out, this far down the line.

 

When I spoke to her in January, it was hard to get a gauge on whether she was wanting to move back home because of the relationship, or because of the hardness of making it away from home. Her and I were long distance, the only reason we never lived together (that and she was very difficult to be around too long).

 

When no contact goes 3, 4, 5 months and there is nothing, I feel no significant healing is done, but of course the contact sets me back further.

 

Sad thing is I have never, ever thought she was coming back, and this latest contact gave me some false, albeit brief, hope.

[uj2004]

So, a few developments today.

 

She did reply to my text message from yesterday, and said it was nice hearing from me too.

 

Then I check my email tonight, and there is a facebook friend request from her, sent about 2 hours after she sent the text. I had a quick look at her page, and it still says she is with the other guy.

 

So I dunno, is she luring me there to show me she is still with him, or trying to start online chatting with me to break the ice further? Its certainly strange, because her bloke made her block me in terms of getting emails from me, and now she is happy to throw me onto her friends list, in addition to giving me her phone number and texting me.

 

I didn't do anything with the friend request, as I don't ever want to see a photo of her and him together, and there must be some there. Then again, if her and I can chat there, maybe that opens another door...