I am jealous of my fiance's daughter!

[Luciana]

Here it is: I have been with him for almost 6 years. I have always gotten along well with the girl. Especially when one on one. The problem is that she is 13 but very very immature. She is extremely clingy to him and tries to steal my place when we all go out. She walks hand in hand with him leaving me behind. She tries to sit next to him in restaurants. She clings to him everywhere we go, and I end up feeling like a spare tire. he doens't seem to notice how I feel and to when I tried to explain he got defensive and offended ("just a jealous woman").

 

Now, the situation got worse lately. Every time he talks to her on the phone (she lives with her mother) he is extremely sweet and calls her "sweetie", "baby", "darling", "honey". And they exchange "I love you" constantly, like a broken record. That is all lovely and dandy, and I congratulate him for being so loving towards his daughter (although I don't have to tell my kids I love them every second, they know it!).

 

The problem here is that HE NEVER TALKS TO ME LIKE THAT. He NEVER says "I love you", he never calls me honey or dear or darling or anything sweet. So each time he talks to his daughter like that I flinch. I feel like running away. I am starting to resent the girl even though I have never had any conflict with her.

 

I know his ex-wife left him when the girl was only 2, and it was only he and his daughter against ther world, forming a very tight bond. And the girl represents the woman he loved and who rejected him.

 

Two years ago every time his daughter went to his house she slept on his bed. She was already 11!! Even though very childish and late in her development, I thought that was innapropriate. I have 2 daughters too and am well informed on parenting. I told him what I thought. He was very defensive (I know it was innocent, just a bad habit of a lonely man and a needy child) and I flet once more like the bad jealous girlfriend!

 

Anyhow, the problem now is his use of terms of enderment constantly with her in my presense and withholding that same treatment to me.

I told him many times how I feel about this. I think he uses her to make me feel jelaous. He is shooting his own foot because now I resent the girl and get anxiety attacks every time she is coming to visit.

 

Oh, and when I ask him why he doesn't tell me these things too, he said he doens't feel them. It smells of emotional abuse to me. I am very sad with this all and thinking of moving on to someone who can cherish me more.

Any thoughts?

[lovelorn]

You really shouldn't be jealous of your fiances daughter. She is probably like that beacause she feels lost because her mum and dad are not together.

She is at a very vulnerable place in life right now seeing as she is only 13. She is still a kid. You as the older mature person should deal with the issues you have with your man with him. you shouldn't feel resentment towards her because your man isnt telling you that he loves you.

He already has told you that he doesnt say it coz he doesnt feel it. what more do you want. better tell him to get his act together in regards to you.

[Tinkerbell]

I do not think that you're being the angry jealous girlfriend, because you cannot help the way that you feel and your fiancee isn't doing much to correct the problem. I cannot say much on the sleeping in the same bed issue as it is his own parenting choices, but given everything that happened with her mother I think it was to be expected.

The part that concerns me the most is:

Oh, and when I ask him why he doesn't tell me these things too, he said he doens't feel them

You are engaged do this man yet he doesn't feel love with you? That does not sound right. You deserve to be appreciated and to be happy, and if he's not doing this for you perhaps you should consider seeking it from someone else before the two of you are bound to one another by marriage.

Best of luck to you,

~Tink

[Luciana]

Yes, everybody please understand although I used the catchy title to get some people to read and offer their opinion, I don't have a problem with the girl. She is just a emotionally needy kid who doens't get to see her father very often. I am not jealous of her, I just with he would treat me with similar affection. Of course I understand the difference between a relationship with your child and with your SO. You can't compare both.

But I wouldn't talk to my teenage son like that in front of him if I wasn't able to use terms of endearment with him too. I wouldn't want to hurt him!

 

I also cringe when I hear a male friend or male a co-worker talking to their significant other on the phone and saying things like "hey baby", "luv ya", "honey". I think how much I would like my man to treat me like that.

 

I so much would like my man to talk to me like this. And I know he is capable of it. The daughter issue troubles me because I know he CAN talk like that if she wants to.

 

You're right: the biggest problem is him not "feeling" that way. He needs to go find someone he can feel that way with!

And I feel sorry for him when daughter finally grows up and gets a BF....

Thank you all.

[woobiegirl]

Hi Luciana,

 

You've had a 6 year realtionship with this man, ...that means you have helped raise his daughter since she's been 7 years old. I would imagine the 3 of you (inluding any of your children) have formed a special bond between all of you. Stepchildren will always have an affect on relationships, and realtionships w/always have an affect on stepchildren...as Lovelorn so wisely said..."his daughter is at a very vulnerable place in life right now and is still a kid".

 

The only person who should be held responsible for changing the fact that you feel like a "third wheel" is her dad...your b/f. If he's not the "sweetie, baby, darling, honey type...then I'd say he's saying these things to his daughter to cover any guilt he may be feeling from not spending enough time with her. I would bet if he held both your hands when the 3 of you are out and about, & kept a balance of attention and affection between the two of you, and made a point to tell you he loved you and showed you affection in front of his daughter' it would be a very happy household.

 

As Tinker said, you don't sound like the angry, jealous girfriend....and you wouldn't have anything to feel jeaulous about if he would be a little more sensitive to your feelings, tell you he understood and would try to work on it. Somtimes we just want to hear..."your right"...I'm sorry, I'll try to do better. Don't let him get make you feel guilty by his defensiveness....it might be time to take a good look at your relationship and see where it's at after 6 years. It might be time you two added some zest, romance, private get-a-ways, excitement, or quality time alone...make sure your relationship isn't losing it's spark or that you aren't taking each other for granted. A six year realtionship would be a shame to walk away from without one more good try!!

 

Good luck!!

Woobiegirl