hellopeople Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 It's sort of long, forgive me. It’s been four months. Four months of pain, heartache, and tears. I thought it would get easier. It’s only gotten worse. I can’t stomach it anymore. The pain feels like it consumes me. I have to stop whatever I’m doing and take deep breaths so I don’t break down and cry. When he dumped me, I went total NC. Even if I saw him I would completely ignore him. I pretended he didn’t exist. He had hurt me so badly. He sent me one text a few days after the breakup that only said “hey”. About a month later he approached me in public and made small talk with me for a few minutes. I, on the other hand, made no effort to contact him. At the two month marker, I saw on fb that he was in a relationship with another girl. I broke down and blocked him (I had already defriended him). Since then, he’s only approached me once and that was because we randomly ran into each other. Throughout the first three months, we continued to study at the same library - but ignored each other. We both knew the other one was there, but neither of us made the effort to talk to the other. I acted as if he didn’t exist. And he mirrored my actions. Then I couldn't take it anymore and found somewhere else to go. About a week ago (a week shy of four months), my friend invited me to a party. She warned me however, that my ex would be there since he was a friend of her bf. I politely declined telling her that I already had plans. I knew that if I saw him there with is new gf, I would die. Up to that point, I had not seen him for about a month. So it’s been four months of almost nothing from him but silence. No “real” text or call. No apology. And for some horrible reason, I feel like I pushed him to do this. By implementing total NC, I feel like I have done nothing but drive him away. Made it look like I hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. I know NC is for me to heal, but I can’t help but wonder whether my actions of completely ignoring him caused him to think I didn’t care, that the relationship had meant nothing to me – when this couldn’t be further from the truth. I would catch him looking at me while studying. And I would sometimes feel like he wanted to talk to me, but knew I didn't. Granted, I know that if he wanted me back, really wanted me back, he would have moved mountains. But I can’t help but wonder: if I had left the door open even half an inch, he might have tried to open it. But I had that door completely bolted shut. No one had a chance at getting through that door. So my suspicion is that he looked at it and realized he would never be able to get though, thus, turned away from me to someone whose door was wide open. I feel so hurt and alone. It’s like he doesn’t care whether I’m alive or dead. I want to reach out, to let him know I don’t hate him, but then I fear that he really did just not care. That he really did ignore me because I meant nothing. But at the same time, I don't want to disrespect his current relationship and stir up trouble. But what can I do? I feel like I'm going nowhere while my wheels are spinning 100mph. Link to comment
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