I shut him out

[hellopeople]

It's sort of long, forgive me.

 

It’s been four months. Four months of pain, heartache, and tears. I thought it would get easier. It’s only gotten worse. I can’t stomach it anymore. The pain feels like it consumes me. I have to stop whatever I’m doing and take deep breaths so I don’t break down and cry.

 

When he dumped me, I went total NC. Even if I saw him I would completely ignore him. I pretended he didn’t exist. He had hurt me so badly.

He sent me one text a few days after the breakup that only said “hey”.

 

About a month later he approached me in public and made small talk with me for a few minutes. I, on the other hand, made no effort to contact him.

 

At the two month marker, I saw on fb that he was in a relationship with another girl. I broke down and blocked him (I had already defriended him). Since then, he’s only approached me once and that was because we randomly ran into each other.

 

Throughout the first three months, we continued to study at the same library - but ignored each other. We both knew the other one was there, but neither of us made the effort to talk to the other. I acted as if he didn’t exist. And he mirrored my actions. Then I couldn't take it anymore and found somewhere else to go.

 

About a week ago (a week shy of four months), my friend invited me to a party. She warned me however, that my ex would be there since he was a friend of her bf. I politely declined telling her that I already had plans. I knew that if I saw him there with is new gf, I would die. Up to that point, I had not seen him for about a month.

 

So it’s been four months of almost nothing from him but silence. No “real” text or call. No apology. And for some horrible reason, I feel like I pushed him to do this. By implementing total NC, I feel like I have done nothing but drive him away. Made it look like I hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. I know NC is for me to heal, but I can’t help but wonder whether my actions of completely ignoring him caused him to think I didn’t care, that the relationship had meant nothing to me – when this couldn’t be further from the truth. I would catch him looking at me while studying. And I would sometimes feel like he wanted to talk to me, but knew I didn't.

 

Granted, I know that if he wanted me back, really wanted me back, he would have moved mountains. But I can’t help but wonder: if I had left the door open even half an inch, he might have tried to open it. But I had that door completely bolted shut. No one had a chance at getting through that door. So my suspicion is that he looked at it and realized he would never be able to get though, thus, turned away from me to someone whose door was wide open.

 

I feel so hurt and alone. It’s like he doesn’t care whether I’m alive or dead. I want to reach out, to let him know I don’t hate him, but then I fear that he really did just not care. That he really did ignore me because I meant nothing. But at the same time, I don't want to disrespect his current relationship and stir up trouble. But what can I do? I feel like I'm going nowhere while my wheels are spinning 100mph.

[PrincessBOT]

Please don't continue to blame yourself for something your ex did. He broke up not you.

Anyone who breaks up with someone have no right to assume that the person they broke up with owes it to them to leave any doors open. The person that dumps the other person fully expects the person to be hurt and know that the fall out may get very bad, which is why in many cases the the dumper doesn't want to be around the dumpee. In other words, your ex is probably not blaming himself so why are you blaming yourself for something he did. Your reaction to getting your heart broken, dreams crushed, facing rejection by some you cared about is natural and you did not shut the door that was not already shut and nailed shut by him moving on to another woman.

 

I know deep down inside you know this. I hope seeing it in writing helps you grasp it.

[jazzbarrett]

princessbot has it right. i did the same thing you did, hellopeople. my ex kept me in limbo after he broke up with me and wanted to "date" but wanted me to not be with anyone, yet he kept telling me that if he found someone else to sleep with (sleep with, not date), our "dating" arrangement was done. after almost a month with this arrangement, because i desperately wanted him back, i got sick of it. he was having his cake and eating it too and i knew i deserved more than that. so, i lied. i told him i had been hanging out with an ex i knew he hated. he immediately assumed we hooked up (which we did NOT) and went off on me. he told me he "wasn't done" and that i was the one that broke/ruined us. i battled with this decision, i know i put the nail in the coffin, so to speak, but like you, i also wondered if i should've let things go....but then i realized, if i let things go, he had control of my life. i did not deserve to be kept in limbo. i did not deserve a guy who was unsure of what he wanted from me, of what i meant to him.

 

after i told him i hung out with my ex, i changed my instant messaging client ids, i blocked him from facebook, i changed my phone number, and i filtered him out of my emails. i made this decision because he made his decision, just like YOU made your decisions because HE made his decision. ergo, he set the ball rolling. he (both your ex and mine) set things in motion that, whether or not they were truly ready for, caused us to react based on how we value ourselves. do not blame yourself, trust me, because i know i have. these guys did not value us. how DARE they think they deserve to have the door kept open for them? you deserve better. as do i. but keep going NC. i struggle with it too, but i know it is the absolute best decision for myself. you are doing this for yourself, so it is worth it!

[jenna-is-here]

Read this 1,000 times:

 

***YOU DID NOTHING WRONG***

 

And what I mean by that is if he *really* wanted to work it out, he would. I am glad you shut the door, b/c we saw what he really has!

 

I dont know why it is human nature that our brains go back and search and search for answers and all we can come up with is self blame. I can relate, I have to STOP myself from doing it. I just remind myself when HE broke up with ME, I made it clear, it was not my wish. So, door shut or not, he knew.

 

And I have a feeling he knew those were not your wishes either. And that is all we can do. So, to go NC for self-preservation is NOT to blame! You made a really good decision and am proud of you for sticking to it for 4mos. I hope I can be that strong!

[jimmajam]

I don't really like full no contact, but what Jenna said is true and it will help you heal. He was the one who called it off and you more than once probably let him know you wanted to stay together and work it out. If you HAVE to point a finger, it was your ex who started things in motion - it was his fault. With that said it only makes sense for him to come back if he wants to come back and fix what he caused.

 

So you can't really feel bad or be blamed for not entertaining his friendship or whatever he wanted.

[iBroken]

So it’s been four months of almost nothing from him but silence. No “real” text or call. No apology. And for some horrible reason, I feel like I pushed him to do this. By implementing total NC, I feel like I have done nothing but drive him away. Made it look like I hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. I know NC is for me to heal, but I can’t help but wonder whether my actions of completely ignoring him caused him to think I didn’t care, that the relationship had meant nothing to me – when this couldn’t be further from the truth. I would catch him looking at me while studying. And I would sometimes feel like he wanted to talk to me, but knew I didn't.

 

He has a girlfriend - you did the right thing. NC was the best solution here - the best thing you could have done. Letting him in only lets him eat his cake and eat it too.

 

 

And he is thinking of you and more then likely wonders how you are doing....he just isnt reaching out to you because he is with someone else.

 

You are not forgotten

[AutumnBorn]

You think you may have given him the impression the relationship meant nothing? Oh, no, girl. I think you did exactly the opposite. If you think he couldn't see your pain, you aren't giving him any credit at all. He has done the merciful thing and respected your wish for NC. He cares enough to do that, though he can't change what he does and doesn't feel for you.

 

When a past relationship means nothing to someone, they don't intentionally ignore the other person. They don't even think about them. They would nod a hello, say hello, go to the party, answer the meaningless text with an equally meaningless comment.

 

I think he knows very well how you feel. The opposite of love isn't hate. It's feeling nothing. If you feel nothing, you don't emotionally react in any way.

[ANewMe]

hellopeople, I am right there with you. Exactly there.

 

For me, too, it's been a little over 4 months, I immediately went total NC and have not broken it. I dealt with his casual 'hellos' in which I responded back then left it at that and left. I deleted him off of FB. He kept showing up when I was out with friends and did some stupid things to get my attention, he tried to become closer to my friends, texted me insignificant things, but all of his actions were ignored by me. He got a girlfriend, declared it FB official, the whole deal, too (and oddly enough, for the dozen times I've ran into him, I've never seen him with her - thank gawd for that).

 

Lots if similarities here

 

The result of me shutting him out? Well, I saw him just the other night when out with friends and he completely ignored me. Even stood 2 feet away from me at one point and behaved as if we were strangers.

 

I, too, struggle with the 'what-ifs' and 'I wonder if...' and trying to determine what's in his head and why does he want contact and does he still care and blah blah blah. Sometimes it makes me feel like I've handled things entirely wrong and that gets me to feeling very sad. Most of the time, it just makes me crazy so I damn near force myself to let it go and choose to focus on me instead. Not easy to do either.

 

However, in the end, I have to say that NC is not only what I guess I truly wanted but needed because I was and still am not ready to deal with him. The hurt is very much there and even the slightest contact feels like salt being poured in that wound. Maybe someday I'll be able to handle some sort of interaction with him, but not now.

 

Hang in there and know others are going through it, too. I keep telling myself it's going to get better and ti will for you, too ~