How to stop dwelling on the good memories?

[nanana]

My ex has broken up with me many times. He's somebody that all my friends and family have labelled as emotionally and verbally abusive.

 

Not only that, but there was every sign in the world he was cheating. I was just too pathetic to stand up for myself, because I so badly wanted to believe his lies!

 

I know there were so many times in our relationship that I would think 'I can't believe he's treating me like this. He's treating me so badly, I have to get out!' and yet now 2 months after HE dumped ME, I don't feel it. Whenever I think of him, I just remember good memories and start crying.

 

I've minimised every bad thing he's ever done, things people tell me I never should have put up with. The saddest thing is, despite seeing my friends in healthy relationships with people who truly love them, after 2 and a half years of being treated like dirt, I've got myself convinced it's all I deserve.

 

How do I stop doing this? How do I stop thinking of how lovely he was in the first 9 months? Why is it whenever I do remember something nasty he said or did, I try and justify it for him?

 

I even caught myself writing out a text to him earlier to apologise for this one time when I text him saying 'goodnight, i love you' while he was out with his friends, all because he then called me in a rage telling me to be patient and calling me a 'mother, whilst telling me to 'shut the up' when I tried to defend myself.

 

I did NOT send that apology by the way, but I manage to convince myself I was in the wrong in those horrible scenarios! He was so lovely at the start of the relationship that I tell myself he only turned out to be abusive because I made him that way... Then I start HATING myself.

 

It's turning out to be very hard to accept that maybe he just wasn't a good guy after all, once his true colours came out. I have a tendency to put these things on myself...

 

If anyone has any techniques or ideas to stop dwelling on the good and blaming myself for the bad, that would be greatly appreciated! PLEASE!

 

 

SORRY THIS IS LONG! It's been a couple of weeks since I posted. Lots of venting to do...

[savignon]

Hating yourself is only going to land you either back with him or in another abusive relationship. It's not healthy to talk to yourself the way you are or to remember him a dreamy (non-reality-based) way. It's destructive and in that way you're being abusive to yourself. Hold yourself and others to a higher standard. I would suggest counseling or at the very least journaling kind things to yourself. Dream and write about the kind of life you would LIKE to have and then start living it.

Best wishes.

[nanana]

I think counselling might be something I'm probably going to have to do.

 

It's sad, people tell me I have a lot going for me, and on paper I know I do, but I just don't feel it anymore. It's like all my validation is in this one person because I had to work so hard to try and make him still love me. And I lost.

 

I romanticise the relationship because he was my first love, and seem to think I'll never do better...

 

Would I be over-reacting going to see a counsellor for these feelings? I think my self-esteem might be dead now He was so hot and cold, dumping me one day, wanting me back to next, I just feel worthless now.

 

I HATE those good memories

[savignon]

Seeing a couselor doesn't mean you're about to jump off a cliff. It's a good way to get some non-judgemental feedback and it will shift the focus back to YOU...the only person you really can or should change.

Learning why you would romanticize someone who treats you so poorly will be a great tool for future relationships. Find out why you don't think you deserve any better and then change that belief. It's not true.

[no1lik3m3]

""He was so lovely at the start of the relationship that I tell myself he only turned out to be abusive because I made him that way... Then I start HATING myself.""

 

I used to tell myself this. Actually, he used to tell me I made him talk to other girls because of my constant distrust. Honey, a person who LOVES you does NOT behave a certain way because you made them, they do it all on their own, unless he has no control over his actions which would make him an idiot anyways.

EVERYONE starts out good, it depends on them if they wanna keep being good.

Do yourself a favor and dont send him messages at all. Is like degrading yourself. He notices that too.

To block out good memories do this:

 

1. call to mind a picture of your ex when you were in love. Look at is as though it was a photo and notice how strongly it affects you right now. Then just imagine putting it to one side so that u can check it again later.

 

2. Next, recall 4 negative experiences with your ex. THINK HARD. Experiences that made you feel very upset or repulsed by them. Make a list so that you can remember them later.

 

3. Now return to each of the 4 negative memories one at a time in details as if you were reliving each again. see the things you saw, hear what you heard and recall the things he did at the moment.

 

4. When you have generated the bad emotions that you felt when you were with the person, now recall the happy memory again. And notice how different you feel now.

 

5. Then imagine putting all those memories on your hands and then releasing them as you see them floating away.

 

This technique is called The Threshold Technique and I read it in a book called How to Mend your Broken heart. It really helps get them out hunie...

[coolchick64]

Were there relationships from your childhood where you had to make excuses for someone? One of your parents, maybe? I doubt you learned this with him. You reaction to him sounds like something more deeply ingrained. If so, figuring out why you're unable to see him clearly/put your own needs ahead of his, based on you previous experiences, would probably go a long way toward helping you let go of the good memories.

[nanana]

Actually yes, my dad has cheated and left my mum multiple times and each time she's taken him back and me and my brother have been under strict orders to forget it and never speak about it again... Could this be related?

 

I think also my ex always telling me I was 'crazy' or a 'psycho' if I got upset with him over horrible things he'd do. That's always stuck with me and made me question if I was unreasonable and should have let his behaviour slide.

 

As my mum said 'he's done a real number' on me.

[SadAndy]

I think counselling might be something I'm probably going to have to do.

 

It's sad, people tell me I have a lot going for me, and on paper I know I do, but I just don't feel it anymore. It's like all my validation is in this one person because I had to work so hard to try and make him still love me. And I lost.

 

I romanticise the relationship because he was my first love, and seem to think I'll never do better...

 

Would I be over-reacting going to see a counsellor for these feelings? I think my self-esteem might be dead now He was so hot and cold, dumping me one day, wanting me back to next, I just feel worthless now.

 

I HATE those good memories

 

 

TRUST ME, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!

 

I was with my ex for 14 yrs and during that time she had 2 long term affairs (totalling 2 years). After I found out about the first one which lasted 6 months and involved my best mate and work colleague I took her back and made a conscious effort to make things work, even moving house to erase the memories.

How did she repay me? She dumps me for a younger bloke and then confesses to me that she had restarted the original affair and it had been going on for the last 18 months! Added to that and she had repeatedly sworn on our daughters life that she was not doing anything!

Well, whats the end result? Is it me dumping her? Is it me thinking that I have had a lucky escape? Is it me remembering how much she screwed me up with the first affair and how much effort I made to make the relationship work? NO!

Its me being absolutely gutted. Devestated. Left with the feeling that I must have failed somewhere along the line as the first 8 years or so were great. Its me who is constantly thinking that I don't deserve anyone better or will never be lucky enough to get together with someone like that. it is me with my self confidence on the floor just wishing for the phone call from her saying what a big mistake she has made.

Unbelievable!!!!!

 

Trust me, you are not alone and although I so wish none of this had of happened, i would rather be single and be able to look myself in the mirror than sell myself short anymore than i already have done.

 

Be strong. There is at least one other out there feeling the same way (me!)

[petite]

Almost every relationship is lovely in the beginning. Everything is hunky-dory and peachy-keen. After the relationship ends women tend to think about the good memories while men think more logically and think more of the bad things that happened. I am not saying this is the case with all women or men, but seems like majority is like that. You need to heal properly and when you do, the good memories wont be a sign of love and a desire of missing that person, they will simply just be pleasant memories you shared with one person who you at one point in your life loved or cared about, but it never worked out.

Almost everyone( including myself at one point) has said "he showed his true colors when the relationship ended", but now that I think back I am sure that maybe they had to show the "bad" sided of them. Sometimes, people just don't know what else to do. Even though there are other options, they want to help themselves rather than us, therefore they will do whatever is necessary to heal their heartbreak. After all, it is not their job to heal our broken heart, just as it isn't ours to heal someone else' when we break their heart or hurt them. We can try and fix it, but ultimately that can also cause things to just drag on prolonging the pain for both sides.

[catfeeder]

Good news is, you're able to identify all the things that you don't want to do. So stop doing them.

 

I realize that that sounds simplistic, and it's not meant to offend, it's meant to demo that while your perceptions and your desire to work them against yourself are within your control, you haven't discovered enough advantages yet to working them in your favor--and nobody else can make that choice for you.

 

For instance, if you know someone who wants to quit smoking, you may think, "Then don't put a cigarette in your mouth." That IS the answer. In fact, it's the only answer. The problem is, the smoker gets a pay-off for the behavior and your solution doesn't address that.

 

Figure out what your payoff is. What emotional satisfaction do you gain by dwelling where you dwell? You may think, "None, it only brings me pain..." but then, what are you getting on your way to the pain? What prevents you, exactly, from wanting to give it up? Follow this train until you land at your destination, because you are the only person who can be honest with yourself about this.

 

This isn't about beating yourself up, but rather the opposite. If you can't identify the purpose your self-inflicted torture serves for you, then it's certainly not an over-reaction to reach for someone trained to help people explore this very thing while offering ways you can reward your own self-control. The idea is to find a bigger payoff in changing your habits than whatever you're getting from engaging them.

 

You have an opportunity to redirect the course of your future, and that's a wonderful thing. I hope you'll use it wisely.

 

In your corner.

[coolchick64]

Actually yes, my dad has cheated and left my mum multiple times and each time she's taken him back and me and my brother have been under strict orders to forget it and never speak about it again... Could this be related?

 

I think also my ex always telling me I was 'crazy' or a 'psycho' if I got upset with him over horrible things he'd do. That's always stuck with me and made me question if I was unreasonable and should have let his behaviour slide.

 

As my mum said 'he's done a real number' on me.

 

 

Yeah, I'd say this has a lot to do with it. My dad did the same thing. When you're a kid, you have to accept your parents' bad behavior. You have no choice. You learn to act like it's okay so they won't abandon you . . . not that they would, but that's how children think. Chances are you chose and continued to tolerate emotional abuse from your BF because that's what you were trained to do. You watched your mom do it. You were told to do the same thing. Your dad, the first man you loved, made a blueprint for what to look for in a man. Little wonder you'd choose a guy who would do similar things. It probably felt natural somehow.

 

A corollary to all this is we tend to make excuses because we want to believe our parents are perfect and love us and each other, no matter what, because it's too painful and ambiguous to think otherwise. Again, this is childish thinking, but we carry it with us. You're probably focusing on the good memories because it would hurt too much to think your BF didn't love you or was a bad person, etc. etc. Easier to think you're the bad person! Now, I'm not saying he didn't love you or that he was bad. But at this point, after what he's put you through, you should be clear on his bad points and the ways he let you down.

 

Try to shift your attention away from him and your relationship, and back towards yourself. Think about what you need, what you want, what you deserve! Think about your role in recreating this pattern from your childhood and why it isn't something you want. See if this doesn't put things in perspective better.