Why do you always need approval ?

[Tarkan]

I don't know if this is the right subforum, but I guess that an answer to the question might help you find love easier

 

I've always thought that ENA was a site where you helped people with their personal problems, especially those you don't feel to proud about or things that are hard to say in real life. Those little things that complicate life. Things like a terrible breakup, suicide thoughts or just the need to vent abut a certain issue. There would always be people to give their good advice.

 

But I start wondering why half the posts are about some need of approval ? Sure, I understand you want some help or guidance. But c'mon, can't you decide for yourself ? I don't mean to say that those posts are "useless" but we'd have more time for problems that actually matter if you'd be a little bit more honest with what you want/need/think.

 

I'm talking about posts like: "Should I ask her out?", "Is he creepy?", "Am I being too good ?", "Am I being too pushy ?", "What should I do?", ...

 

I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me. I probably know jack about what's really going on, exept for the few information I can get from your post. This means that my conclusions would be erroneous. Alot of the advice we give ( with good intentions ) is usually just a judgement from what we percieve. We don't know the whole context.

 

To hell with what we think, with what we say. It's what YOU do and say that matters, not what WE think is good for you ! You write your own story and it's pretty much different then mine. You'll take other paths and other solutions to your problems.

 

You're probably looking for some kind of wisdom or oppinion when you post. Well let me tell, there are as many opinions as there are people in the world. It can be helpfull sometime, but when it comes to taking decisions, you should do it for yourself.

 

If you ask the above questions, it's probably because you're afraid of making a choice, hence why you expect someone else to do it for you. Don't be afraid ! The worst mistake you could make is to not follow your own hart and feelings ( for as long as it is morale I must say ).

 

 

Example: The girl I'm dating is silly, ackward and ... well yeah ... she might come over as creepy to "normal" people ( normal = like society wants us to be ). If I'd ask teh forum's advice, they'd probably go like: "omg, she's such a creep" etc ... Well you know what ? I dated her anyway, because I like her for what she is. I'm fine with her being weird, because that's so me ^_^ Those are the best dates I had in years ! If I'd follow other people's advice I might have missed a great opportunity ! See where I'm getting at ?

 

I beg you, just be honest with yourself first. We usually know the answers already, it's just all a struggle with yourself !

[JusticeLaw9]

I agree with what you're saying but I think that these are people who really don't know the answers to questions that may seem simple to us. So that is why they come here; to get the opinions of peoeple that they don't know without having to face the embarrasment of the real world. And some of the posters here really don't have anybody to turn to when they need advice. Either that or they are ashamed to feel the way they do. Not to invalidate what you're saying, because it is true. But some of us on here lack the self-esteem to make those kind of decisions.

[newwave]

I think part of the reason is that many people have become brainwashed by self help books. I see several threads here that I am actually shaking my head at the ridiculous advice. That's not to say all is bad, but some are so far fetched. Not to mention not knowing the whole stories it's hard to pass judgement.

 

I know someone will come in and say I am being a hypocrite, but it's the reality. If I had taken the advice here I'd have ditched the one I truly want, I'd be dating guys I have zero interest in, etc. I think there are a few people who are truly trying to help, versus people who are trying to scare people by saying they won't get who they want. By this I'm not saying people haven't given good advice, many have. It's just often advice isn't really helpful in our specific case.

 

In my actual case I am giving the one I like a chance though several have told me to ditch him. I have dated enough to know when guys can come around. I don't really come for advice, but basically to vent in my case. My mind is pretty much made up.

[DanDee]

I don't really come for advice, but basically to vent in my case. My mind is pretty much made up.

 

It's about half and half with me - sometimes I know what I should do and just need it confirming, other times I genuinely need good advice. And when one piece of advice outweighs the other, that's the one I tend to go for.

 

I think, one big difficulty on ENA and forums in general is not being able to put the detail in through fear of readers becoming bored. I often give a general, sketchy account. And when I'm offered advice, sometimes I'll think, well... there is a bit more too it and discount it.

[waveseer]

I bring up two types of topics:

 

1. Those which I need alternative viewpoints to further my healing.

2. Those which I hope will help others and keep me from feeling alone.

 

In neither case am I seeking approval, only support and food for thought.

[thathoopla]

While I don't 100% agree with your post Tarkan, I do feel like some people (including me) grew to depend on ENA a little more than they need to. They probably came on this site with some really tough/confusing situation, then ended up staying for a while and are making a LOT of threads about "smaller" issues. I think we should think twice about what we post and why. Can we take what we've learned and think for ourselves and make our own decisions?

[newwave]

It's about half and half with me - sometimes I know what I should do and just need it confirming, other times I genuinely need good advice. And when one piece of advice outweighs the other, that's the one I tend to go for.

 

I think, one big difficulty on ENA and forums in general is not being able to put the detail in through fear of readers becoming bored. I often give a general, sketchy account. And when I'm offered advice, sometimes I'll think, well... there is a bit more too it and discount it.

 

I think that's part of it. People will never know the entire story unless they know someone personally, so they make quick assumptions. For instance I posted the story of the guy I like on another message board I post at, a message board for former and current models. All of them told me to ditch him and not waste my time (this was said here too). In their case most of them are 20something hot girls so there are more guys out there and they don't have to waste time. However, it's different in my case because I am older and retired from modeling and not as many choices. I had already made up my mind that when he called I was going to give him a chance and he blows it again, that's it. People obviously will never know the entire conversations I've had with him and those could change their mind. Same situation many of us face. If things were so simple, why do most people go back to exes like we see in various threads? Because there's always something we don't know.

[Crush85]

I understand that a lot of us should (and do) trust our own instincts, but we also can't forget that a lot of us have been in similar situations, and how we responded to those situations might help someone else who might be actually going through it.

 

But the flipside, I can see how confusing it might be to ask a question and then come back to 3+ pages of people giving different advice. Which one do you choose? Well, that's were instinct and common sense come into play. Simple as that.

[marshmlofluff]

If things were so simple, why do most people go back to exes like we see in various threads? Because there's always something we don't know.

 

I'd actually say most people don't.

 

Of the few that do, I don't know if there's really much we don't know--often an outsider can come in and see reality in 30 seconds, whereas the dumpee him(her)self is too close to the situation, and too blinded by emotion, to see it clearly.

 

I think many people fall back into relationships that are past their expiration dates simply because (a) they are afraid of being alone, and (b) addictions are hard to cure.

[newwave]

I'd actually say most people don't.

 

Of the few that do, I don't know if there's really much we don't know--often an outsider can come in and see reality in 30 seconds, whereas the dumpee him(her)self is too close to the situation, and too blinded by emotion, to see it clearly.

 

I think many people fall back into relationships that are past their expiration dates simply because (a) they are afraid of being alone, and (b) addictions are hard to cure.

 

Personally, out of all the relationships I've ever had I've gone back to two. One was a relationship where I liked my boyfriend tremendously, I just didn't see a future. He's still a friend but we both realized we had too many religious issues (his family is Baptist, mine is Catholic, and this was causing conflicts). The other time was a relationship I kept going back to though it was bad, and I was scared to move on. This one was a bad influence on me and I knew I had to break away. Then a few years later we got together as friends and that was better.

[BriarRose]

It's not approval-seeking, but if someone has more experience than me or has had better experiences in their relationships, whereas mine have been tumultuous, I certainly welcome what they have to say - and to use that information in making my decision.