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Bridget Bewildered


Brigadoon

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I feel like I've been given a great gift. I didn't end up here for the best reasons but I think it worked out for the best if you see what I mean.

How many times in your life would you get the opportunity to sit down and just think - what do I want? Is this really what I want to be doing? What can I change?

I mean what an introspective and self absorbed thing to be doing!

One of those things that you'd advise other people to do but you'd be mortified to be caught doing yourself lol

I love this site. I've never felt so normal, so well and so secure in the knowledge that no matter how confused and anxious I might get that there are decent people here who will give me honest objective advice.

My head has never been so well screwed on.

I took advice from a good friend for years who had the slight handicap of being incapable of saying anything that would hurt my feelings.

Well; I think that all the bad advice I took from her over the years and led to all the times I was genuinely in the wrong and fought my corner over trifles ended up "hurting my feelings" slightly more than being told to grow up and get over myself.

I'm glad to be here. I feel like I can't be that strange when I can post a thread and ten different people will go: hey! me too!

Thanks for having me ENA; think I'll stick around a while if you don't mind

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Just read a couple of posts on the way shy guys interact with the world. Am feeling really sad now; and a little bit like I want to go give them all hugs and pep talks.

I really am having trouble trying to pin point where my problem is with letting this guy I'm attracted to know how I feel. And it's not like I'm obsessively in love with him; I don't think about him much unless something reminds me of him but when I do the thought of him makes me happy. So it's not like I've invested a whole lot in him emotionally. I feel like this must be a core issue for me and I really want to get to the bottom of it.

I think I've always been bad with guys; I had a huge crush on a guy when I was just starting secondary school and he got his friend to ask me out seven times and each time I said no. Even though I could see him standing there waiting to hear what my reply would be I was convinced that it was all just some elaborate hoax and he was exploiting how I felt about him in order to humiliate me.

This seems to be the same feeling I get in this situation; like people are going to turn around and just be incredulous that I thought I was actually in with a chance.

I don't know why I still feel this way. Even though I try to avoid these situations people seem to find the need to tell me that they find me attractive but each time they do I just feel like they feel sorry for me and they're just saying it because they think I need to hear it and they'd better do it because I'm never going to hear it from someone who genuinely means it. I'm too old for this kind of carry on. It shouldn't matter what I look like, I should just be able to do what I want without considering other peoples opinions. I'm sick and tired of people thinking I'm this super confident woman who never feels hurt or upset and who is the perfect person to bring all their problems to. The last relationship I was in lasted for nearly two years and in that time I'd say we discussed something to do with me maybe once. We, or should I say I, dealt with his problems on a constant basis and I have to say that I have never heard of anyone being so self involved and ridiculous. His problems were absolutely piddling, all straightforward "what do I want to do here questions" yet my problems were ignored and shoved away to be dealt with "later" ie never.

The absolutely sickening thing is that I attracted this person into my life and I facilitated this behaviour. Everyone will push boundaries and he only did what I allowed him to. I really do recognise now that this has always been a problem but I'm feeling like I don't even know how to begin dealing with it. At least I've had a good cry now so that will make me feel better.

This post has turned into a complete pity party but I'm hoping that if I write some of this stuff down it might help me to let it go and help me to organise my thoughts a little.

I know it's unlikely that people will read this but it helps me to think that I'm being open about my problems. Maybe if I can learn to do it here then I might start being able to do it in my everyday life.

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Today is a better day lol. I was actually really proud of myself yesterday, I don't know that what I did was flirting in the way that I would normally think of it; There was no double entendres or that kind of thing, it was more like attempting to make a connection with someone and I think I managed to begin communicating that I find him attractive.

I feel like I've been so silly getting all wrapped up in being afraid of showing someone that I like them especially as I remember having post its stuck all over my study wall for months, two of which said "Wanting something does not mean it has to be possible and that you need the other persons permission" and "you don't need to feel entitled to your emotions"

I can't figure out now why I thought it would be a bad thing, I mean short of going down the stalker route who would have a problem with someone showing them that they are attractive to them?

I feel like I've been a bit of a silly little chicken about this lol.

It felt good to take something that I was afraid of and just put it aside and get on with it.

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Well today was one of those good/bad days where you wander around feeling mildly pissed off but you end up making headway on why you're pissed off.

I crashed my car on Wednesday. The reason I crashed my car was because some loony slammed on his brakes and nearly caused a three car pile up but regardless of that the onus was on me to be able to stop and I couldn't. The reason I couldn't stop was largely because the roads are really greasy at the moment because of the strange hot/rainy weather that we're having and because despite making the decision to replace my two front tyres about three weeks ago I have been unable to actually go pay for them. I now have to pay about €400 to fix my car and then I have to go buy the tyres that if I had changed would have meant I wouldn't have crashed.

I have had no washing machine since the twenty third of DECEMBER! The money I was putting aside for that had to be spent on visiting friends in Spain that I had committed to going to but because I didn't have the cash available I ended up paying €500 for flights instead of €200.

I am so sick and tired of not having any money and not having the means to earn any more. I have even applied for a job in the same place as my ex because I'm so sick of this nonsense.

I have spent the evening googleing budgets etc. and I am absolutely determined to sort this one out. I am going to sit down and make a huge list of everything I do and spend on and try and sort this mess out.

I actually feel like crying; I'm not frivolous, I'm not spending vast amounts of money on myself and still I just can't make ends meet.

I'm going to have to do something and soon because it's only going to get worse. At the moment this all feels hopeless but as soon as my sons friend buggers off home I can have a good cry and then I'll feel way better because I've posted here and cleared my mind, hopefully by tomorrow I'll have something chirpier to report and I might even go the whole hog and reveal just how much I owe!

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Brigadoon--Thanks for the sig quote. I had forgotten I made that post but good thing you reminded me of it, as it is something I ought to keep in mind.

 

Btw I have been seeing your avatar here and there, and it is lovely (no worries, I am a straight chick!)

 

Aww thanks! And I'm cool with the compliment; I thought it would be a good idea to shave my head when I was fifteen so I pretty much got a crash course in how to say "Thank you but I'm straight" as I kinda became a lesbian magnet until it grew out lol

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Hello Brigadoon:

 

And it is a fine, hot day here in Ireland! Lovely.

Reading your posts with interest, and I think half the battle is that you have insight.

 

The absolutely sickening thing is that I attracted this person into my life and I facilitated this behaviour. Everyone will push boundaries and he only did what I allowed him to. I really do recognise now that this has always been a problem but I'm feeling like I don't even know how to begin dealing with it.

 

Actually knowing means that one can address the problem, somehow.

 

As for the financial worries, well I would say there are many in this country in your shoes this minute because of the effects of the recession. Don't feel too bad about it. Things are very shaky in the job market right now, as you well know.

 

It is just that at times everything seems to happen at once.

 

H

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And it is a fine, hot day here in Ireland! Lovely.

 

Isn't it fabulous! Hope it was as nice where you are as it is here. I just got of work early at eight o'clock so there was some actual sun still shining lol, I took my son down to the shop and we had ice cream so he's a happy bunny now

 

As for the financial worries, well I would say there are many in this country in your shoes this minute because of the effects of the recession. Don't feel too bad about it. Things are very shaky in the job market right now, as you well know.

 

I'm only working one short shift a week in my current job but I went for an interview with Dunnes so I'm hoping something will come out of that. They were interviewing in a block so I might get something between now and the end of the summer or I might never hear from them again

Oh and my ex works there too! Balls to it, he told me himself that he's applied all over the place to be nearer to where he's living so hopefully he'll be gone soon. Actually I'm qualified to do his job so I really would appreciate it if he left lol

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ugh; really shouldn't be on here as I'm having a real "up the walls busy" week but I just needed to come on and have a quick vent.

I was doing my absolute bloody best with the guy I was into and who I didn't know if he was into me too and I was getting absolutely nowhere. I feel so stupid for wasting so much time and energy on someone who doesn't want it.

He acts as though he's happy to be around me but not only does he make no effort to try and engineer anything he didn't even bother to mention that we would actually be at the same event soon; and which because I didn't know this am now not going to.

I'm just sick of this nonsense; what is wrong with me chasing around after someone who makes no effort?

There must actually be something wrong with me if I have to think before I get the fact that he's not into me; I mean apart from being friendly probably out of politeness and us having a bit of a laugh and messing around what has he actually done to demonstrate that he was interested in me?

Nothing at all; which to be perfectly honest demonstrates that I must be some kind of thicko with stalkerish tendencies.

It makes me feel really sad for some reason, kind of like being dumped only even less attractive because an ex was at least interested in you at some point and they didn't even want to bother with you.

I feel absolutely hideous at the moment and for some reason this experience has mad me feel worse about myself than when my last ex and I split up. I feel as though the only parts of me that are visible are ugly and disgusting.

I feel stupid and small and I'm so very tired of giving people attention and affection and just waiting for someone who will do the same for me.

I don't know what to do about this and I know I'm overreacting. At least a vent and a good cry aren't going to make me feel any worse and will probably make me feel better.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Been having a tough time for the last couple of weeks. I seem to be sliding back into depression and I have to keep checking myself before it gets too serious.

I'm just so bloody tired and stressed and worried about money and I just can't seem to get anywhere with anything. I'm dreading the summer holidays when my son will be at home full time and I'm terrified of how difficult next year is going to be with dealing with college, study, work, running a home and being there for my son.

Everything just seems to be going wrong financially; Having to pay college fees, crashing my car because I couldn't come up with €50 for tyres and having to pay €520 for the damages, getting less hours at work, the washing machine breaking (now the lawnmowers dead too), all the extras that my sons school keep sending home notes for. I just can't catch up and now we're looking at paying for all his school stuff for next year and mine too.

A friend of mine was telling me about her sister who is monumentally in debt and her partner and herself are living off €20 each a day after the bills, mortgage etc are paid. Together that's €40, and weekly that's €280. Which if I had that to live on after paying my rent, bills etc I would be delighted. It's so bloody humiliating knowing that you are doing the best you can but you're still skint. I'm actually living below the poverty line. That is the most disgusting realisation that I have ever had to come to.

I feel like such a failure. I'm a thirty year old single mother with no education living below the poverty line in a council house.

I'm trying to see this as positive, that because I am seeing the reality of the situation and how untenable it is that it will give me the impetus to stick with change even when it gets hard. I'm just too down and tired to see anything as positive at the moment.

I'm so lucky that I found this site, if I said half of the stuff that goes through my head to friends of mine I don't even know how they'd react and I really don't want to be the whingey friend who's always talking about their problems.

I'm pretty down about another situation too. I had a crush on a guy for ages and I just couldn't figure out whether he was into me or not and I just hit the point where I had to stop thinking about it anymore. It came up in conversation with two of my oldest friends and when I point blank refused to ask him out (because after everything I had done to show him how I felt he hadn't done anything to show me that he felt the same) they both decided that a little intervention was called for and informed me that the reason guys don't ask me out is because I'm (in no particular order) "Domineering, too independent, intimidating, I don't trust anyone, I put on a huge act that makes me appear over confident when actually I don't have any and I act like I don't give a s*** about anything"

I don't have a problem with being told the truth; I've always said I'd rather have an unpleasant truth than be fobbed off with niceties but my problem is what am I supposed to do now? This is who I am, that list has been compiled over thirty years and it is the way it is because of the experiences that I've had and the situations I've been in. Basically if I ever want to be with someone again I have to completely change who I am and the way that I view life and I really don't think I can be bothered.

Why should I have to?

I'm "domineering" because I take charge; because there isn't anyone else to take charge.

I'm "too independent" because there isn't anyone else but me so if I wasn't I'd be sitting on the floor doing nothing.

I don't really know what to say about the trust thing, I suppose I do have pretty low expectations of people so I guess to me it's more a case of not being tremendously surprised when they put themselves first at my expense but I didn't really think that meant I didn't trust them to begin with.

I suppose the acting like I don't give a s*** thing is true. I've gotten way better with that one recently though. When my son was younger I knew that I couldn't look after him and go to college because it's just the two of us, we both have no other family to help out and then I met my ex and I just ended up at home looking after the two of them and never really asking myself why or whether I wanted anything more.

As a complete aside it actually occurred to me the other day that my ex never once asked me questions about me when I was younger or what I wanted to do with my life. He never pushed me to do anything other than what suited him ie have his clothes washed and dinner ready. If I was looking at myself from his point of view I would have kicked myself out the door to get a college course and some hobbies. He really was one of the most self absorbed people I have ever met and I can't remember even one time that I felt I had any form of support from him. Sad really. I dodged a bullet there.

I have no idea why I'm seen as "intimidating" to guys; the whole lot put together I suppose.

So I'm kind of in what's the point mode. My life is crap, I can't pay the bills and chances are I'm going to die fat and alone and be found three weeks later half eaten by Alsatians.

Or I can expend enormous amounts of energy in order to change myself into a helpless, submissive, dependent, blindly trusting woman in order to get myself a man who will probably crap all over me and leave me for someone else. Again. Don't see myself going down that road somehow.

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So tired today but my brain is racing. I have no energy but I can't seem to settle to anything.

I think I'm going to head off to bed as at least when I'm asleep I'm not so bloody miserable.

I'm sure I'm coming down with something. I was in terrible form at work on Sunday, I was in tears all day Monday and when I finally got my appetite back yesterday I had to go lie down on my bed half way through cooking dinner because I felt so weak that I nearly passed out.

I've spent all day eating but I just don't seem to feel any better for it and it's driving me nuts.

I just hope that all of this is a reaction to boredom because I'm finished teaching for the summer and there's hardly any hours going at my weekend job.

Please god let next year be better when I have college to focus on because I can't seem to get the motivation to get out of the house and I'm going slowly demented because of it.

I hate the thought that people might read this; I sound like such a whiny cow but this really is the only place that I can come to vent. My son relies on me to be the grown up and I always seem to end up being the person who takes care of everyone else around me.

I think that one of my favourite memories will always be of the time I got a really bad flu and my then boyfriend looked after my son and I for a week. I was asleep for most of it but just the thought of handing everything to someone else and checking out for a while is amazing.

I think I need some time off, maybe I might try getting someone to look after my son for a couple of days and just head off. I'd love that, I might go see a friend of mine in Edinburgh if I can afford it soon.

Anything I can look forward to would help I think.

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  • 1 month later...

Have to, have to, have to get back to journaling and blogging again.

I don't think my lows would be as bad if I didn't isolate myself and start brooding over things. If I just wrote down my thoughts that would help a lot I think.

I'm feeling really good today. Sunday night through to yesterday afternoon were absolute hell I must say, I haven't felt like that since last year. It actually frightened me how bad I felt. I started to slip into that weird numbness and I could just sit there for periods of time doing nothing with my mind completely blank until I'd start sobbing again.

I think the reason it only lasted four days this time was because I just went with it. I didn't try to rationalise how I was feeling or look for solutions.

A strange hippy lady told me last year that the brain is where we cause all of the bodies hurts and that my insistence on thinking about feelings and trying to understand them was making me worse. She said (shouted actually) that you have to feel your feelings and then let them go and although I thought she was a looper at the time I finally understand.

I don't have to justify how I feel to anyone but most importantly I don't have to justify them to myself.

I can't control the way I feel; I can only control the way I behave. So I'm just going to start listening to what I feel and instead of obsessing and worrying over it I'm going to try and listen to what it's saying and let it get on with it. The operative word here being try.

I still don't see any light at the end of the tunnel with regards to having any kind of a love life. I genuinely am only just beginning to realise how screwed up my attitudes towards men are and I think that the saddest thing seems to be that I probably am pushing them away unknowingly.

I've always felt as though I was unwanted and unattractive but maybe that's more to do with me than them. I feel invisible but I don't know how to make myself seen.

I've got too many excuses to stop myself getting involved but even without those I'm terrified; I just don't want to get attached when everyone else I've ever cared about has basically just gotten sick of me and wandered off. I can't see how this is ever going to change and I'm sick of losing people I've grown to care about. Maybe just acknowledging this will help. I hope so.

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