he was unfaithful and i want to forgive him

[katyg79]

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Dear all

 

PLease help... i am a total mess. I have been with my now ex for 2 years and found out last week that he had been chatting to girls on the internet. i found the notes and were talking about meeting up when i was at work. he denied that he ever met any or was likely to but of course i was not happy.

 

my initial reaction was angry then hurt and upset. we talked and basically he said it was my actions that caused this, i had been distant for a month and he was getting fed up of me. now the only reason i know i was distant was because things like intimacy and talking was proving to be difficult.

 

He told me that he still loved me but he wasnt as in love with me than he first thought and started pointing out times he had tried to tell me.

 

he then says that it doesnt have to be the end for us. maybe in 3 or 4 weeks down the line if he finds that he is pining and missing me then we will try again.

 

now i know what you are thinking he has lost my trust, however i love the guy and i cannot get used to not speaking with him or having him around.

 

I know the whole thing of you should give each other space but i am useless at it, i want to give him space but then i want to speak to him all the more, i am in a vicious circle. i am lost without him and have a huge void in my heart.

 

any advice of how to get through this difficult time would be greatly appreciated.

 

thanks kate x

[HouseKitten]

My god, this man just takes the biscuit. He cheated or had the serious intention of cheating on you, and yet he's turned it around to be your fault, and said that maybe in 3-4 weeks he might take you back.

 

Personally, I think you should cut off all contact from this loser, take back your self-respect and recognise that you do not need slime like this in your life. I know it's difficult because you don't stop loving someone just because they turned out to be a jerk, but I think you need to get away from him, and fast.

 

He can't have been trying that hard to tell you how he felt. I think that's complete BS. If you want to have a serious discussion with someone, you sit them down and you say 'we need to have a serious discussion'. Now unless you're the type to run off with your hands over your ears screaming 'la la la I'm not listening!', he can't have been trying very hard.

 

And it's your fault for being distant? That doesn't give him an excuse to start arranging to cheat on you. If there were issues he should have either brought them up, made you discuss them and agreed to work on them, or left you. There is absolutely no excuse to cheat. If you're unhappy enough to cheat then you're unhappy enough to do the decent thing and leave first. But then, this guy isn't decent at all.

 

You deserve far better than someone who will get caught trying to cheat on you, and then turn it around to say you drove him to it and he'll consider getting back with you, if he feels like it. In some ways I hope he does try to come back to you - so that you can laugh in his face and tell him where he can stick his reconciliation.

 

You can get through this. Just remind yourself of the way he's behaved over this. You do not need that kind of manipulative behaviour around you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I second this post. This guy is not worth your time or your love.

[Jd1983]

^ I completely agree.

 

Rather than owning up to his mistakes, he chooses to blame you for everything?

 

Are you kidding me? Good riddance I say. Then he has the nerve to say he may consider getting back with you within 3-4 weeks if he finds out that he misses you?

 

How is this your fault? How can you possibly have a discussion with someone who refuses to own up to their mistakes and chooses to place the blame on someone else?

 

I know how difficult it may be for you, but please realize that you can do so much better than he has to offer.

[katyg79]

thanks, i know your right. i have just deleted his telephone number. problem i have is that he is seeing my friends for drinks and cinema. friends he made through me. i feel like they are all against me. he has told my friend that he just needs space.

 

you are all so right. but it is hard. i havent eaten for days lost weight, on sleeping tablets and all because someone doesnt want me but not letting me go.

 

i just want to know when i will feel better about everything and able to move on... right now it looks impossible. ;-( x

[Jd1983]

It's going to take some time to get over him hun, but it's definitely doable.

 

Just make sure that you go complete no contact with him and focus on YOU right now. It doesn't happen overnight, but in time you'll start to feel better day by day.

 

Hang in there.

[iBroken]

Dont wait for him to let you go - take the initiative to let him go

 

I agree with HK......he definitely did not handle this the right way

 

Look to yourself and where you found that things were unhappy - did feel a sense of entitlement to cheat on him? No. That makes you the better person.

[HouseKitten]

Honestly, it takes time but you will stop feeling so bad about it and one day you'll read this post back and think 'my god, was I really that upset about that jerk?'

 

If you're worried about what your friends think, why not spend some time with a couple of them yourself and, without being spiteful or bitter, let them know your version of events. If he's spreading it around that you're the one at fault then I see no harm in letting your friends know your side of it.

[katyg79]

no your all right. i need to look after myself. no contact at all.

 

he said he was going to call me tonight to "make sure i was ok" but i wont answer.

i hope this loneliness feeling dissapears. I find myself defending him to anyone who says otherwise even to his family who say i am better off without. i feel like i am going mad!!!!

[katyg79]

his new online profile on a website is a very old photo so anyone he meets will get a shock!!

[Jd1983]

No, you're not mad at all. You're just going to a phase right now.

 

Just give it some time, and eventually you'll start to realize you're better off without him.

[Jd1983]

his new online profile on a website is a very old photo so anyone he meets will get a shock!!

 

Lol, sucks for them.

 

Also, please don't go checking through his profiles and such. No contacts means just that, NO contact.

[shessofly]

wow he is some piece of work. i hope you will take the advice you have been given. it'll be tough for sure, but in time things will get better. he will probably start calling/texting to check up on you, keep you holding on while he's out playing. don't fall for it. try as best as you can to stay nc.

[emma j]

didn't read all of the replies but my mouth feel to the floor when i read see howwe are in 3-4 weeks if i'm pinning for you. OH MY GOD... he cheated on you.. emotionally or otherwise this is not on. and then to blame you. i don't get it. why can't people be adults and simply come to there partner and say how they feel.. ugh..

 

girl, your better off without him. my bf and i broke up last night/this morning.. i DO NOT need him. i and you deserve to be with someone who is mature and who can be adult enough to speak to us when something is wrong. hang in there girl

 

much hugs.

[turnera]

thanks, i know your right. i have just deleted his telephone number. problem i have is that he is seeing my friends for drinks and cinema. friends he made through me. i feel like they are all against me. he has told my friend that he just needs space.

 

you are all so right. but it is hard. i havent eaten for days lost weight, on sleeping tablets and all because someone doesnt want me but not letting me go.

 

i just want to know when i will feel better about everything and able to move on... right now it looks impossible. ;-( x

Did you tell your friends that he cheated on you?

[katyg79]

i know he is pathetic, every day i wake up and i feel a different feeling. hurt angry, helplesness. i cant bring myself to go out or do simple things, maybe i need to make myself. emma j, you are so brave after just last night. wish i had your confidence. x

[turnera]

[

 

he then says that it doesnt have to be the end for us. maybe in 3 or 4 weeks down the line if he finds that he is pining and missing me then we will try again.

That reminds me of my loser, abusive ex-fiance, who once told me - he was 21, I was 18 - that he had decided I wasn't mature enough for him. But he was going to 'give' me 6 months to 'prove' to him that I could 'grow up.' And then maybe he'd keep me.

 

Like an idiot, I begged him to 'keep me.' ](*,)

 

Until I found out a year later he'd been cheating on me the whole time - in MY car! And I broke up with him.

[katyg79]

i did tell my friends, most have been supportive, the others say they dont want to get involved i guess that is fair. My now EX didnt have many friends before he met all of mine. i dont want them to be in the middle of this.

[Go Habs Go]

Hun, leave NOW. If you stay, he will do it again.

[Convict7]

katyg79

I know exactly what you're going through. My ex did almost exactly what yours did. She chatted up the guys online, making little relationships (even calling them), and once she got caught it was all about how I was being distant.

 

I tried to forgive and move forward, for all that work she broke up with me.

 

If your ex(and mine) want to be wild and sleep around and not tied down by great people who would have supported them forever, let them! You offered love and companionship and he turned it down for fleeting lust and irresponsible fun. He will regret his actions when he realizes that no one will treat him as well as you did.

 

All you can do is push through the grief. Eventually you will want to date and find a new man. That new man may just appreciate how loving and wonderful you are.

[katyg79]

thanks convict7! it is almost nice to hear that you went through the same (hope that didnt sound bad) i feel like i can move on knowing that this is what some people do. hopefully in 3-4 weeks when the pining is up he will come back with his tail between his legs and ask me back. then i will enjoy saying no thank you. see how he feels. i just want to screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmm

[katyg79]

my friend who went through similar reccommended i come on here for help. she was right. i only joined today. thank you for your great advice it certainly is helping to heal my heart xx

[HeartGoesOn]

Keep in mind that cheating is a choice, not a mistake. He's showing you what a coward he is by turning this around, and putting it on you. I hope you can move forward, and realize that you deserve much better.

[guynextdoor]

Coming from a guy your ex is a douche. Emotionally cheated on you and maybe even physically, who knows. Still has the audacity to hang out with your friends? Obviously he's a nobody without you. Stay strong, you will always have support here.

[jenna-is-here]

Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate!

 

You are so far in it, you can not see it. PLEASE for YOURSELF, take a few weeks, back it up, and really look at the situation and ask yourself, "Is this man good for me?"

 

I can say all this because I lived a mini verson of this. And guess what, I stayed and now regret it. I caught the online searching, the lies, I had my suspicion that he met up with a past flame and cheated. I think somewhere along the line, he said he was not that into me. I can barely write that without being embarrassed that I didnt leave earlier. And finally after 4+ years, we split up and he said, maybe this is just what he needed to see if we are really meant to be. Well, it was really what **I** needed to realize how lame he was.

 

SORRY if I sound harsh...His type is so clear to me and I just dont want you to be hurt by him anymore. Reject the rejector!

 

The road ahead will be really hard but log in as much as you need to - this forum has saved me!